These are comments by J.A. Drew Diaz, goodguys2greatmen, and jerry stocking on the post “How to Become a Passion Master“.
J.A. Drew Diaz asked:
Just out of curiosity– am I the only one who thinks that if a dating relationship needs couples counseling it probably is doomed already?
goodguys2greatmen responded:
With all the married guys I talk to who have serious relationship issues, I don’t think counseling should be postponed until a pending divorce. (speaking from experience)
Most guys (me included!) had the same lack of knowledge, undeveloped relationship skills, and inability to understand the opposite sex while dating as I had in a 28 yr. marriage. I just got better and better at defending my weaknesses and rationalizing why everything was her fault.
So I think it’s great when non-married people are trying to get their own poop in a group before committing to a long-term relationship.
jerry stocking added:
I do understand what you are suggesting. But you might just as well say that if a budding athlete has a coach then their sport is doomed. Which doesn’t make any sense to me. Often a couple just needs an advocate. An advocate of their union working to deepen and enhance their individual and collective quality of life.
I am an advocate, who is trained and knows what to look for. Like a good plumber I can find the obvious love and passion leaks in relationship. Often, as in the case with this couple it is as simple, and subtle as an imbalance of attention. That day on the porch they both learned a bit about how attention can increase their passion and ignite their relationship.
I don’t think they are doomed, in fact, I think they have more wonderful tools and attention balancing to play with. They are more optimistic about their relationship and more open and connected with each other.
It was an afternoon well sent.
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Photo credit: Flickr / tobyotter
It is interesting reading all these comments, therapy is not always for everyone. I don not think it’s a sign of any weakness to participate, to me it’s the opposite. But there is a problem with going into therapy and not changing the root of the problems. Mae Chinn Songer has an excellent blog n this subject. She believes that you have to retrain your brain to not let the old bad habits stay in the relationship and continue to cause the same problems after therapy. Her philosophy is to change those habits into new ones and get to a… Read more »
Dating is akin to car shopping…
Most of the vehicles I’ve owned are 4WD standard transmission vehicles, hell I just bought my first sedan, used for my daughter, my first vehicle purchase was in 75 and in all that time I never considered an automatic coupe with an eye towards having the transmission changed.
Why would I consider a future with someone that would require either of us changing fundamentally?
Honestly, I think couples’ therapy is simply breakup rehearsal for people who can’t commit….
Sorry, but it’s a rather poor comparison to make. Also, your assumption that either of you would need to “change fundamentally” suggests that you have a particular view about how relationships should be (i.e. that you shouldn’t or can’t change as a result of loving someone). In reality, I think that being in a relationship, and being committed, involve allowing yourself to be impacted by your partner; not clinging on to a ‘fundamental’ self (that doesn’t really exist anyway, but that’s another post). You seem to be saying that you wouldn’t consider going into therapy as a couple because you… Read more »
Well sure and to belabor the auto analogy…
When you own a garage every car is a potential salvage…
… and you seem to be saying “As soon as your car starts to squeak, get rid of it. Don’t bother taking it to a garage”.
Seems like you made your mind up before this discussion even started, J.A. … I wonder if this suggests anything about your approach to relationships?
My point is
Bear in mind that one function of couples counseling is to examine what you bring to the table as an individual. You as an individual may benefit a lot from couples counseling even if the relationship doesn’t work out. You just might learn some things about yourself that will make your life better no matter what happens in your current relationship. Going to couple’s counseling does not have to be a selfless act, though it sure sounds like that to a lot of husbands who feel dragged into it. It’s not a good substitute for individual counseling work for yourself,… Read more »
People often see therapy as a weakness, when in reality, it is a strength. The problem is, most people end up going to counseling when there is a conflict, and thus people associate getting help with having issues (“therapy is for people with problems”). And, as archaic as it might seem, there are still people who feel that needing help shows weakness. So, the idea that therapy is only for problems, coupled with the fear of being weak, creates quite a stigma. And this is unfortunate. The truth is, counseling is an incredibly beneficial tool regardless of what problems may… Read more »