Carlos Andrés Gómez challenges men to rise up against the street harassment so many of us have become desensitized to.
Before I say anything, let me say this – I have been both a willing and reluctant participant in the many heavy-handed male behaviors that define the gender performance of being a man. For example, I’ve puffed out my chest and used degrading words and tried, on numerous occasions, to be the alpha male in the room. The aforementioned happens a lot less frequently than it did when I was younger, but now and again, I’ll catch myself acting like the machismo robot I have worked hard to unlearn. All of that being said, I cannot help but ask myself – why do guys catcall women?
You know what I mean by catcalling, right? It can be vulgar gestures or comments about a woman’s body, perverse pickup lines, inappropriate grabbing, whistling or moaning, beeping your horn and stopping your car to ogle a stranger minding her own business. Being a guy, you would think I would have a more informed personal insight on this topic… but I don’t. The desire to catcall is one of those things that has forever perplexed me. I’m familiar with the different theories—it’s a competition-fueled performance of masculinity (which is why catcallers will often be in a group of men), a man wants to assert his power over a woman, a guy wants to get any kind of attention (whether positive or negative) from a woman he deems “out of his league” (or beyond his social status), or he is simply grossly misinformed about how to communicate with the opposite sex.
I’ve spent most of my life in U.S. cities, of which most of the last decade has been spent in New York, and I have never once seen a woman respond positively to being catcalled. And, mind you, this is from a sample of literally thousands of occurrences, which makes me think that catcallers neither want nor care about a positive response from the victims of their harassment. Sure, countless times I’ve seen a woman flash that uncomfortable, forced smile that seems to clearly communicate, “Okay, asshole, please stay away from me,” but I’ve never seen a woman turn around and go, “Oh, you like my tits? Thank you so much. Here’s my number.”
I was talking with my partner a few months ago, who was in the midst of lamenting the arrival of warm weather. My immediate reaction: “Who hates spring?!”—which for me connotes sunshine, picnics, basketball, and outdoor concerts. And she responded, “I don’t hate spring, I just hate the harassing guys who are all outside now.
“Like guys on our street?” I asked.
“Well, yeah. There’s this old guy at the corner who always says gross stuff to me,” she said
“What?! Why haven’t you told me? Where does he live?” I was incensed. Of course, my immediate response was to go find this dude and confront him… after I had shamed my partner for not informing me of another (of countless) examples of street harassment.
“Baby, relax. It’s not a big deal. It happens all the time. It’s just the way it is,” and she got up to get a glass of water.
Guys – can we talk for a second? How is this normal? This is a big deal. Over the summer, I was talking with my fifteen year-old little sister and she told me that thirty and forty-year old guys harass and catcall her constantly.
We have to do better than this. I have to do better than this. I can think of multiple examples of men harassing or catcalling women, but rarely have I intervened to say something. On a few occasions I have, but overwhelmingly, I’ve remained silent. Usually I’ll justify it as, Carlos, chill out. It’s 11:30pm on a random street corner in Brooklyn. Bigger picture.
And, sure, speaking up late at night on some dark street corner might be a bad move, but there’ve been plenty of other opportunities where I didn’t speak up and the risk to my life or safety was relatively low. What’s most infuriating is that I continue to hear endless stories from my partner and female friends about how they’ve been catcalled, but, of course, it always seems to happen while they are alone. No one is catcalling my partner while we’re walking down the street holding hands. But the minute she leaves the apartment by herself, it starts up again.
This conversation is not a new one, as women have been having it and already spearheaded movements to combat catcalling and street harassment (like Hollaback! and Stop Street Harassment), but now I want to engage men. There are a lot of passionate responders here on The Good Men Project. I believe that to create meaningful, lasting change in this world the whole community must be actively involved in the process of brainstorming and then creating a solution to a problem. I am tired of my partner and my little sister and my female friends and women in general being forced to walk around afraid and embarrassed and ashamed and uncomfortable. I am tired of harassing men creating an abusive dynamic that undermines basic social etiquette and human respect.
I think a lot of these guys might not even realize how damaging their catcalling can be. Or the bystanders, like me, have become so desensitized to the destructive effects of catcalling that they’ve fooled themselves into viewing it as an unchangeable and benign reality of city life. Or, like me, you’re a guy whose male privilege has insulated him from realizing how widespread and demeaning this harassment continues to be. I am making an oath, right now, to start speaking out and speaking up against catcalling and street harassment (assuming my life and well-being are not risked by that advocacy).
I am now appealing to this online community. I’d like this week’s piece to be a launching pad for a public forum on catcalling and street harassment. My questions for you, the reader, are:
Why do men catcall women?
What can we do to stop it?
the first time I got catcalled was probably the weirdest one, it was like a 10 year old kid. Although it wasn’t very sexual, the idea of catcalling was there because he asked for my Instagram. and just tonight, my friends were walking me home because god forbid a nice neighbourhood, there was a few teenage boys about my age, many things were said. “aye nice ass!” “Yo my boy wants you to spit on his d*ck!” “Shutup man, you liked the middle ones ass!” and so on. I will never understand. do they really think they’re going to get… Read more »
This happened when I was a teen alot. I grew up in a college town near a military base. I was so confused and gained weight on purpose to hide. You hit the nail on the head, its damaging. I wish I had the tools to cope with it, but I didnt. I still have much anger, and now that Im loosing the weight for my health my biggest fear is I will slug someone if they treat me like a sex object. I talk with my son and daughter reguarly about standing up for themself and others in these… Read more »
I was catcalled once, and it seemed very rude. I wanted to give them the. 3rd digit, but i didn’t want to make trouble. There were 3 of them and I was afraid ????. Plus rudeness doesn’t work in this type of situation.
To answer your question Carlos – Men do not cat call. Boys cat call. Immature, insecure, little boys who do not understand what respect is and probably should have been removed from the gene pool boys cat call. A Man does not engage in this kind of disrespect towards anyone, especially women. A Man understands that his purpose on this Earth is to protect and preserve women and to ensure they walk the Earth freely. I have never, nor ever shall, cat call or make any other rude gesture, comment, or intimidation toward women. I have even gone so far… Read more »
“Protect and preserve”? That’s a concerning choice of words. Women don’t need protection and preservation, they need allies and to be treated like people. They need to feel that they can move through the world safely and not have to worry about being treated as anything less than independent, autonomous human beings, because that’s what they are. Men like you can be allies by speaking up when another man (and because oppression of women is so ingrained in patriarchal cultures, I am sorry to tell you that men, not “boys,” do indeed catcall, and that calling them boys actually makes… Read more »
Definitely imagine that which you stated. Your favourite reason seemed to be on the internet the simplest thing to be mindful of. I say to you, I certainly get irked even as other people consider concerns that they just do not know about. You controlled to hit the nail upon the top as neatly as outlined out the entire thing without having side-effects , other people can take a signal. Will likely be again to get more. Thank you
A bully is a bully is a bully. Men harass women because they can get away with it. The woman is “easy prey.” And she’s not easy prey because she’s smaller—there’s ways around that. She’s easy prey because for a long time nobody has given a damn if a woman was harassed, just like people in my quaint Southern town didn’t really care if the “white trash” went around calling black people the n-word to their faces. Cause what else can you expect from lowlife rednecks? Blacks should know not to walk through those neighborhoods. Society says what it thinks… Read more »
An equally important question might be why don’t women catcall? Actually I’ve heard them do it a few times, but the circumstances do seem to be different……they tend to be a little more discreet, although to be honest I wish they weren’t. It’d be nice to know that someone out there finds me appealing physically but I guess no one does. Anyway, asking this question is a little like asking why do we yell ‘OW’ when we burn ourselves. It is part culture of course (maybe foreigners say something different?) but also largely human, I think to have sudden strong… Read more »
“@Archie when you think ‘can’t I even talk to girls anymore?’ your exasperation should be directed at all the other men who eroded our trust.” Be careful not to end up with a bigoted view towards men though, otherwise you’ll be similar to those guys that think all women are gold-diggers and just cheat due to their experience. To me it seems only a few women are being bothered so much by random small talk (not sexual harassment, etc) since I’m not finding women are getting angry at me or showing any negative signs when I talk to them. I… Read more »
@Marcus Williams – thanks for the vote of confidence 🙂 I’m a complete n00b at blogging, so all compliments are welcome! As for your point, yes I do understand how angry that sentence sounds, but as I go on to say in the post, I’m really sad about how defensive I feel. I’m a pretty easy going person, I’m travelling solo so random interactions are my lifeblood right now and my natural inclination is to be polite and friendly. Believe me no one was more disappointed than me to find that most of the innocuous hellos or requests for directions… Read more »
I just published a post on this, because I was a little skeptical myself, coming from the UK, about the scale of the issue here. To all the guys above who think it’s not really a big problem, I’ve spent the last couple of months travelling the US and have experienced roughly 5 incidences of harassment a day. I know, because I started logging them on my phone. And yes, these cover everything from calls, to hisses, to whistles to hellos. Most have been disgusting and rude, some seemingly polite, but the point is, all assumed that they had some… Read more »
Did it happen as often in the UK or is it the U.S that has a much bigger problem? I think the exaggeration comments come more from thinking it happens everywhere at a high-rate, when it might be more common in the cities. The exaggeration comments I saw came from women though.
Much bigger in the US. If you want to read why it’s more of a problem than an irritation, click on my name here. It’s he most recent post. It’s long, so I can’t paraphrase accurately here.
My point above was simply that we need to start this discussion where the OP does, with SH being actually in existence and damaging to women/equality, not by back tracking, apologising or questioning people’s experiences.
I read your piece, and I don’t think the experiences you described were imagined, and many of the specific examples you gave are unlikely to be regarded as anything but harassment by the commenters here. It’s possible to empathize with that and decry your harassers while still questioning some of the perceptions it led to, such as: Not one ‘hello’ or ‘excuse me’ has been anything other than a phoney segueway to lecherousness, so why would I even bother now to respond? That sounds like an understandable reaction of someone subjected to a very negative or even traumatic experience, but… Read more »
Btw, Katy, I liked your harassment piece and the others I sampled. I didn’t like what you suffered through, of course, but you write with an engaging style and good flow, so I encourage others to go have a look, especially if you’re into travel and/or running. 🙂
Amen to that. It makes me not even want to be friendly for fear she will be uncomfy, can men even say hello anymore? I dunno about women but I feel more comfy on an elevator for example when people start talking about random stuff, I had a 30 second talk with someone in hospital about our illnesses and it made me feel safer. I went to an airshow n talked to a guy about the planes, he was a mechanic in the army in vietnam and had quite a lot of knowledge. I’d hope I could talk to a… Read more »
“can men even say hello anymore?” From what you’ve said, it seems you don’t live a large city, right? I live in a really large one now, and I grew up in a smaller city that likes to convince itself it’s a small town, but in my mind, it’s still never all that okay or necessary to say hi anyway. For one, I think that’s how many people validate their harassment (“I’m just being nice and saying hi and giving you a compliment!”). And for two, what is the point of saying hello to someone you don’t know, when you… Read more »
Maybe I live in a friendlier society? We’re humans, humans are social creatures, we say hello n talk to strangers at times. I was at the airshow and wanted to know what the aircraft’s identifying name was so I asked someone I figured would know, wearing what looked like attire the mechanics, pilots n others involved wore (had various emblems on it relating to flying). I had my big camera there too and had a random teenage boy ask me about cameras which I was happy to talk about. The mechanic I n had quite a long talk and as… Read more »
Archy, you are BOSS at selective reading. I said very clearly WHEN YOU ARE NOT IN A SITUATION THAT PROMPTS RANDOM, FRIENDLY CONVERSATIONS. What part of that was so difficult to understand that you had to come up with a bunch of examples that are SITUATIONS THAT PROMPT RANDOM, FRIENDLY CONVERSATIONS and tell me I was crazy? Of course talking to a cashier is fine. What is not normal is going out of your way to talk to someone when you have no cause to interact with them. PLEASE stop trying to prove everyone wrong by only reading parts of… Read more »
You suggested the airshow wasn’t a place for random convos, and I disagreed. Situations that prompt random convos to one person can be different person to person. Where did I say you were crazy? I dunno where I have implied it but it isn’t what I thought at all. I think we may have different ideas of what prompts random convos possibly but that’s about it. You’re not the only woman I am talking about here you know?
[MOD NOTE: Edited to remove personal insults that violate the comment policy. Cut it out.]
I suggested that airshows ARE a place for random conversations.
[MOD NOTE: That goes for you, too.]
Ah, the sentence reads both ways.
I also thought you intended standing in line and airshows as examples of places that are NOT appropriate for random conversations, coming as they did after “…not in a situation…”. Now that I understand, it’s nice to see you and Archy found some common ground. Maybe you can talk about it more some day in line for tickets to an airshow. 😀
Sorry, yeah I live in a small town. Guess that could be why it seems different.
I had a read, good blog post you wrote. 🙂
Maybe because I live in Australia in a rural town I haven’t seen it much or heard women talk about it much, never heard of it being once a week or daily, it’s making me think it’s far more common in the U.S or maybe just more in the cities?
Hear hear! derailing for dummies dot com, please.
One day a few years ago I was on a university campus at a bus stop right across from a construction site. I happened to be there in between classes, when a lot of students, including many young women, were walking on the sidewalk in front of the construction site. I noticed two or three construction workers behaving somewhat oddly. They were taking a break, sitting side-by-side in chairs next to their trailer, facing the sidewalk. I’m guessing they had been warned about catcalling or being a nuisance to young women, because they sat absolutely still, their hands on their… Read more »
I feel the same/similar way at times where it is so bad that for a long time I wouldn’t even talk to strangers. But now I’m like fuckit, as long as I remain respectful and friendly then it’s all good, people are in public, people should expect to be talked to. I usually find people are fine, there is that sense I get when people are ok with talking and when they aren’t. Don’t be a pest with it though, just be a friendly happy-go-lucky person, but maybe that’s my small town’ness coming back in to play. I find it… Read more »
Reading these comments is disgusting. I cannot believe that there are accusations of women LYING about being catcalled. Never once did Carlos ask you to decide whether or not street harassment was prevalent. He asked you to discuss how men could react better when they see a woman being catcalled. I’ve seen comments calling women liars about specific instances mentioned. And then the same commenter discuss his own problems with bullying. How would you feel if someone accused you of lying about being bullied in high school? I saw a commenter request that women wear hidden cameras because he couldn’t… Read more »
First, she said she was groped every single day. I called her out on that. I didn’t call her out on being catcalled. Work on your reading comprehension.
Why is it hard to believe that she experiences unwanted sexual touches on a daily basis? Why do you think that is a lie? She has no reason to be lying to you. Please don’t attempt to insult my reading comprehension. You are just embarrassing yourself. I’m not sure why you chose to be rude to me but que sera, sera. I would be highly surprised if you read past the first few sentences I wrote. And, if you did, the Reading Comprehension Fail is evident. But, what should I expect from a man who missed an average of 50… Read more »
“And, if you did, the Reading Comprehension Fail is evident. But, what should I expect from a man who missed an average of 50 school days a year?” Wow really? You’re coming into a site for men and insulting a male survivor, and insulting their intelligence to boot? Great job. And yes you can miss 50 school days a year and still have a decent education, how do you know he didn’t goto university and do a degree in English? Seriously, you’re ignorance is disturbing. Now you do raise a point or two with regard to believing survivors experiences, but… Read more »
I insulted this man’s intelligence. This is correct. It seemed to me that taking shots at other people’s intelligence was acceptable, seeing as how two people have done it to me. And the part about me “insulting a male survivor”: I was doing the same exact thing that he did to the woman who stated she was harassed on a daily basis. In reality, I do believe that he skipped school in an effort to avoid bullying. I just wanted to make the point about how gross it is to discount someone else’s experience. Do you only watch movies and… Read more »
I insulted this man’s intelligence. This is correct. It seemed to me that taking shots at other people’s intelligence was acceptable, seeing as how two people have done it to me. And the part about me “insulting a male survivor”: I was doing the same exact thing that he did to the woman who stated she was harassed on a daily basis. In reality, I do believe that he skipped school in an effort to avoid bullying. I just wanted to make the point about how gross it is to discount someone else’s experience. Yeah but sinking to the same… Read more »
I would suggest you google “sexual harassment caught on tape/camera” because there are vids out there. ihollaback also has stories. Also, if you have friends ask them about the tone etc.
I didn’t even think to google for videos, hah. Brainfart moment. I found one but it’s in a different language which makes it a lil more difficult to understand. ht tp://media.smh.com.au/technology/digital-life/sex-harassment-caught-on-camera-3569205.html Need to find one for Australia or the U.S, something close to my society (English based). The vocal tone sounds mostly the same as people giving genuine compliments I hear randomly in life in that video though cept nearly all I hear are friends saying it to each other, not strangers. Sounds like a mix of people, some trying to give compliments, and some simply seeing the women as… Read more »
Archy, I think you are falling ito a mistake of thinking that street harassment may be okay if it is a “compliment.” I do not like it when strange guys yell things at me about my appearance. It feels belittling and reduces me to a set of body parts. Yes, a compliment is better than if they say something crude, but I don’t want some stranger interrupting my day and startling me by yelling anything at me. It’s embarassing. It’s rude. It makes me feel a little vulnerable and upset. Maybe your friend really took it as a compliment or… Read more »
I NEVER think it’s ok, even if I think it’s from a point of being a compliment. I think my friends mostly take it as compliments depending on the other actions, eg a whistle alone might be ok to them but if they start following etc then it’s crossing a big line. I can merely see that some are trying to compliment in a silly way, I don’t ever think it’s acceptable though. Reason I asked about the tone is curiosity of how many are trying to compliment in a dumb way, vs how many are trying to make the… Read more »
Thank you, Sarah…for your support… Archy: It’s not a compliment…some random guy said to me as I was in my usual rush to go to work: “I love you, Beautiful!” …it made me feel icky, NOT beautiful, because you some random comment from some random guy in the street is not a compliment….he probably says the same line to at least a dozen females on the street…the assumption is that females are idiots who would believe such nonsense from a stranger or that we are easy or that we are street walkers…..He looked like he was drunk or maybe high… Read more »
Check out “Femme de la Rue” on ihollaback.com….it’s a documentary by a woman in Brussels who wears a hidden camera..she also does other videos with an open camera and, interestingly, interviews some of her harassers….some of it may be due to cultural/societal factors (some of her harassers are non-natives of Brussels = Arab? in origin; some of them are un-employed and perhaps feeling powerless in their adopted land)…it has English subtitles, but if you can understand Belgian French, then all the better!
Thank-you, Yeah I stumbled across that the other day, I am hoping there is an Australian or U.S.A version, something english with a very similar culture to here. Where I live I don’t think I’ve actually met an Arab sadly. But it is interesting and aggravating to see it happen even in different cultures. I hope more people see it so they can be more mindful of their behaviour and others.
If you want to insult my grammar, you should be certain your grammar is perfect. You should go back and read “The Elements of Style” to remind yourself that you cannot start a sentence with a conjunction. Why is it hard to believe? Extraordinary claims require extraordinary proof. Making the claim that you are the victim of sexual assault every single day is a truly extraordinary claim. Not just sexual assault, mind you, but sexual assault in a public place by a different stranger every single day. The notion that this is possible is preposterous and clearly a lie. You… Read more »
Yeah, you really can’t have a reasonable discussion about this stuff on the internet. It always turns into a show of one-upsmanship and Opression Olympics. First its “Men catcall sometimes”. Then a few women respond with “It’s happened to me a few times”. The next batch is “It happens to me a lot.” And then “I get harassed on a daily basis! Everywhere I go all the time!” Its been proven that people misremember things all the time. So when a whole group of people (in this case, women, specifically) start mining their memories for times they were ‘harassed’, as… Read more »
Disturbed: Regarding Collin’s denying your experience and calling you a liar, I understand his sentiment but not what his tactics. When you say that you are groped, grabbed, insultingly slurred *daily* you do realize you are an extreme statistical outlier? From what I have surmised reading these forums women having this issue 2-4 times a year is about the norm. I understand your rage at Collin denying your experience, but I don’t think it’s exactly kosher of you to represent your highly abnormal situation as average either. I think what Collin is railing against is how articles like this seems… Read more »
It was a different woman, and she didn’t say she got harassed every day which, while bordering on unbelievable, I would give the benefit of the doubt; she said she got GROPED every day. That is a lie.
I wasn’t the person who said I was groped daily. She didn’t seem to be presenting her situation as the norm. Many commenters were discussing how they NEVER see street harassment and she was just presnting her experience as the opposite of that. Some women never get catcalled, some women get catcalled dail. I agree that the majority of women arevictims of this a few times a year, at most. But if someone experiences it more often, that doesn’t make her a liar. I didn’t know that these pages had a history of people making false claims. I can see… Read more »
I guess I had a misunderstanding about what was said and who was stating it.
Well, we can’t know they are false claims. I would say they were absurd claims. And a fair amount of the time these posters bringing these absurd claims are later revealed to be somewhat unhinged. I remember fairly well the poster “oh no” getting insanely angry and throwing all sorts of smears and insults at Eric M for simply stating that her experiences (with daily harassment) were not the experiences of the dozens/hundreds of women he dealt with for work. However, when Lisa and Julie stated this wasn’t their experience she was all unicorns and rainbows in her reaction. Additionally,… Read more »
This thread is back before the mods were doing a good job of striking comments w/personal insults, so it’s very interesting.
ah yes, the wildwestian, gunslinging days of GMP.
“I saw a commenter request that women wear hidden cameras because he couldn’t possibly imagine what catcalling was actually like. This same commenter later rates the pain of child birth and kidney stones, and admits that he has experienced neither and is just going on word-of-mouth. How come you can’t take someone’s word for it when they tell stories about their harassment?” You’re reading comprehension is pitiful. I have experienced kidney stone pain, but hey misread it some more. I’ve also seen harassment happen, if you bothered to read my comment you might realize that I find it hard to… Read more »
He specifically called HER a liar. Her experience doesn’t have to be average or typical. It is her own experience.
Stop accusing me of poor reading comprehension and of projecting. It makes me laugh. See….it’s funny because you are the one who can’t understand something unless it is in video form. This is a serious issue. NOT A LAUGHING MATTER.
But seriously. Keep the ad hominem out of this.
Who says I can’t understand it at all? I seek better understanding, text never ever can give the full understanding of a situation. I know full well it’s a serious matter, and yes you fail at reading comprehension if you think I can’t understand something unless it’s in video. I’ll make it very clear. Text offers one form of knowledge, doesn’t account for body language, vocal tone, it relies on the subjective experience of the person detailing the situation. I wanted to see additional info on what the harassers are doing, how they say it, what they look like when… Read more »
In my experience, reading allows me a better understanding of a situation than watching. I guess we are just different in that aspect. I failed to realize that and I sincerely apologize. I value empathy and I’m disappointed in myself foor not realizing that different people respond to different mediums in different ways.
I do understand your point about perception leading to denial. But that doesn’t mean tht the denial is warranted.
No problems, we all learn in different ways and I’m glad you realize it. I find hands on and video based learning better than textbook based, which is annoying for the schools we have here:P. Hence why I like recorded video vs text.
There’s no justification for it, just giving my view of why I think there is denial.
Stinks to me of slutshaming and blaming women for being so damn irresistible that men can’t help but treat them like they’re objects. I agree; it’s disgusting and offensive, and it happens in all cities. I grew up in the southwest, have traveled to NYC, have been in cities in nine different countries, and now live in Boston. It happens everywhere.
I’m sure it does, I’m sure it does. Did you get a triple buzz-word score with this post?
@ Disturbed I’m sorry you had to experience that harassment. People look at Good Men Project and just see Good Men. People don’t get that men come here to discuss how to be a good man. I know that I’m still trying to figure it out. I even had one commenter criticize me for having the temerity and honesty to question my motivations. It’s not helpful to shame men who are making a good faith effort to become better people. Remember this is a project. It hasn’t been completed. I admitted that I feel good when I protect my female… Read more »
I’m really touched that you would stand up against catcalling so long as you don’t get physically hurt. Never mind (probably) if a woman is …. she probably has nails or pepper spray.
What was the point of your article again?
So men HAVE TO put themselves in physical danger now? You also claim that a woman being catcalled (probably!) is going to get physically hurt. Question to ALL the women reading this: How many times has being catcalled led to you being physically hurt? That is, the times when the person doing the catcalling followed it up by actually making physical contact with you. Because, as far as I’ve ever gathered, people who actually physically sexually assault people AREN’T the ones screaming dirty, obscene comments on a busy public street. They operate as quietly as possible, usually get to know… Read more »
A very good point here. The ones who catcall are very rarely the ones who physically assault. The men who grope women usually don’t speak loudly; often they say nothing at all. I don’t associate catcalling with physical assault. I associate catcalling with flashing. I think if you want to understand catcalling, the place to look is men who engage in indecent exposure. I think those things have common motivations. (I have no numbers on any of this. This is just my impression, from someone who has not seen a man catcall a woman in at least 10 years.) To… Read more »
I find it odd that street harassment of women is seen as completely different from street intimidation of men. – It is the same groups of guys who do it – The goal is to intimidate the victim and make the perpetrator look and feel powerful. The words are different, and the actions are different; groping, compared to a hard push. But the intent and perpetrators are the same. I suspect that it is size, and capacity for violence privilege that is at work here, rather than male privilege. If you believe this, then the solution is to stop all… Read more »
Let’s say you are right. What do we do to decrease the incidence and how to we shift a society so that fewer people decide it’s a good idea to intimidate others just for fun? How do we make the city streets and traveling better for all sexes?
Awareness.
Stop painting women as the sole victims, stop painting men as only perpetrators, stop shrugging off male’s experiences of being victimized.
“Be the change you want to see in the world”
-Ghandi
Indeed. I’m certainly working on all those things in my daily life and in my advocacy. I’m not so much worried about me, I’m thinking how to continue to build systems that bring compassion and empathy into parenting, that help create a culture of plenty vs scarcity, that identifies why bullying of any kind develops.
Those are my “how” questions.
We have to take the long haul approach: If we start treating men better from birth to death, then we will have a better class of men. Men (and women) are the product of their upbringing. Most men who bully were themselves abused. We have to stop treating men in monstrous fashion (starting with the unkindest cut) and acting “surprised” when we find we have created monsters. A good place to start (to address child and adult bullying) to reduce child abuse is to give fathers greater access to their children post divorce. Single mother households represent the greatest risk… Read more »
This was a response to Julie’s question of stopping intimidation of men by bullying and women through street harassment.
This has been an interesting discussion for me. When I was younger, much younger, I lived in an urban area and experienced cat calls with some regularity (few times a week at least). Usually from younger males (20’s) in groups. If it bothered me a lot I said something. If they weren’t exceptionally vulgar I ignored it but that’s my personality as well. The only time it really bothered me to the point of feeling unsafe is the time two older males followed me for 3 blocks whistling and calling to me. That crossed a line from the simple cat… Read more »
I agree, groping is assault – cat calling is just irritating at worst. Like you I just ignore cat calls best I can, because I’m older it happens less anyway, but out jogging this morning I got it twice, it always happens when I run – both times groups of men, they never do it alone in my experience. It’s got less to do with the woman I suspect and more to do with male bonding – it’s only a certain type of minority who do it, put bluntly they seem to be of low intelligence. Not a lot we… Read more »
In the cat call world I have seem groups of younger women doing the same thing to men they find attractive as well. So I don’t think this is simply limited to men doing it to women. Women have done it as well. And oddly enough at work today we discussed a woman doing it to another woman as well in a non-street environment. In my experience in the urban world cat calls seemed to just simply happen in groups or at least pairs of men. Never lone men doing it. And it crossed all racial lines so I couldn’t… Read more »
Are those women drunk? I’ve seen sober groups of women harass men before but that was mainly in high-school.
I’ve seen sober and drunk women both. One group I see more frequently doing it are older women in the 40’s typically targeting younger men (20-30’s). I’ve seen gaggles of young women doing it as well to both older and younger men. And some awfully lewd comments were thrown out even after the men indicated they were interested and/or married etc. Sometimes follow up to that were pokes and prods about their sexual preference. So yes, I’ve seen this directed at men as well.
Kat, it is absolutely not the same. I’m not saying it’s not rude for women to catcall men, but saying it’s the same is like crying reverse racism (i.e. it doesn’t exist and it completely ignores systems of oppression). Men catcall women because they can; because they live in a system that gives them the authority and privilege to tell women how to act, what to wear, etc; because they’ve been acculturated to believe that women are objects; because they are traditionally stronger and larger than women and then can seem threatening. Women absolutely do not have that power over… Read more »
What utter bullshit you speak. If you assume women can’t be threatening to men then you need to step outside and smell the fresh air. The thoughts you have on power are the reason for male victims of sexual abuse to be routinely ignored n treated as less harmed, less of a victim and the women always get it worse. And trying to use racism when racial privilege and gender privelege are so different they’re not even comparable. When women become 10% or less of the population, then you may start to compare. And if you don’t think oppression against… Read more »
Archy, if you don’t understand how sociology works and think there is no difference between describing the qualities of a SYSTEM and saying that absolutely everything works like that all the time, you are worth nobody’s time. How at all did my describing how the system works to give automatic approval of catcalling make the assumption that women can NEVER be threatening, and where the hell did you pick up anything about male victims of sexual abuse. There is certainly a thing going on there, but it in no way de-legitimizes what I said, because I was describing the general… Read more »
“I’m not saying it’s not rude for women to catcall men, but saying it’s the same is like crying reverse racism (i.e. it doesn’t exist and it completely ignores systems of oppression)” You try to negate the impact of female led sexual harassment on men by comparing it to a COMPLETELY different system being race. They’re not comparable, at all. It’s also a common form of ignorance I see where someone tries to negate the harmful effects to men, such as sexism by comparing it to racism and acting like sexism against men can’t exist. Are you sure you understand… Read more »
Okay, I was not comparing it to racism. I don’t play that game. I was comparing it to the idea that you can derail a conversation by saying that some women perpetrate the catcalling thing just as many people try to derail conversations by crying reverse racism. Comparing derailing; not comparing oppression. I don’t compete in the oppression olympics. In saying “Women absolutely do not have that power over men,” “that”‘s antecedent was the long list of system-based privileges, which women AS A GROUP of concepts, not as individuals (just so we’re clear and you dont’ tell me that there… Read more »
Power is a very tricky thing. When I was accosted by the three women in the park, I knew I was stronger and faster. I would have given myself a good chance to win a fight against the three. I also know that if I did and they denied (and possibly even if they admitted) having assaulted me first, I would be the one going to jail. Consequently, I couldn’t use my superior strength and speed so what good was it? Any man who was taught that you’re not allowed to hit a woman is at a serious disadvantage in… Read more »
I don’t deny that there are times in which men are disadvantaged BECAUSE of their position in the hierarchy of most systems of oppression. You’re right; I can’t think of anyone who wouldn’t believe that you were at fault in a situation like that. But really, it is still true that the system of catcalling works because for the most part, the men have either the real physical power or the real social power in the situation.
Considering most cat-calling seems to happen in groups against a sole target, the male’s physical strength is easily over-powered by multiple women, and in that situation women do have social power over that male in the form of being in a group showing aggression. Numbers matter. Maybe I live in a different country to you but women here sure do have quite a bit of power especially in a group…
It doesn’t matter whether the guys do it for the woman’s attention or the woman is just a prop for them to bond with each other and it “isn’t about her.” Either way she ends up suffering embarrassment/fear from their actions. It’s like if you go on a hunting trip. Your reason for shooting a deer may be for its meat/antlers, or just to impress/bond with your buddies. Either way the deer dies.
Answer to Q1: Men catcall to women because they just want some kind of female attention.
Answer to Q2: What can we do to stop it? We can talk to our male friends about how demeaning it makes us feel & that it is also a form or harassment/violence against women. I personally confront the catcaller/s and ask them if they would talk to their mothers, sisters, girlfriends or wives like that and it instantly shuts them up & they walk away either after apologizing or in embarrassment.
I think men just want us to be afraid. And it works often enough. I don’t go out alone if there is an option – even to the grocery in the middle of the afternoon. I never dressed “slutty” (well… in college when it was appropriate), but I don’t dress up at all anymore and when I get catcalls in my casual clothes, I usually down grade them to around the house only. I wish I were hypersensitive, but I know a lot of women who won’t wear shorts in 100 degree heat because of street harassment. I just can’t… Read more »
Some men maybe, but not all men. I want women to be confident n happy, feel strong n powerful just as I want men to feel.
@ rosie “I just can’t help but think that shut-in asocial never-seen-in-public-without-a -man is exactly what men want when they catcall. Look at who does the calling; the stereotypical macho types mostly. They re-enforce the need for a strong male by making women require a strong male to protect them from other males. They create a niche for themselves by creating fear and then playing the hero.” I don’t catcall. I won’t deny that protecting my female friends doesn’t give me a good feeling, but I think we all get a good feeling when we help someone or do something… Read more »
Thank you so much for posting this. It’s really nice to see that men really do think about this stuff and are not completely desensitized. Just a few weeks ago I was being followed by an unfamiliar man on a bike for several blocks until he stopped, exposed himself, and began doing obscene things. After telling my (usually sensitive) partner about how much it bothered me, he made a joke and said he “didn’t think it was a big deal”.
How ridiculous that some people can become so desensitized to these things. It really is a big problem.
Manda, that’s far more than cat calling, that’s a sexual offence. Did you report it? Where I come from he would be charged and put on the sex offenders register.
Well here is the most sexist thing I observed today- at the train station this afternoon a guy about my age offered to & did hump a young lady’s rolling bag down the stairs to the parking lot. But I’m looking.
Thank you so much for this. Way too few guys see this as a systemic issue and not just “there’s a bigger picture/it’s a compliment/get over it/stop dressing like a slut.”
Of the 2 Female friends I’ve asked so far, both have taken it mostly as a compliment. Of course I need to ask more but why are they seeing it as a compliment? It’s not always a compliment but I do believe quite often it probably is, just a compliment in a very rude manner.
When take it has a compliment for various reasons. Some see it as a self-esteem booster; a “damn I must look good” moment. Others are desensitized to the point where it’s just another man trying to get my attention…no biggie. I am 23 and have been receiving cat calls since the age of 12 when I was walking to my grandparents house and a man in the car stopped me and said “Lord please let her be 18.” I didn’t think too much of it then, but now I don’t allow people to constantly yell “Hey You!” or “Damn you… Read more »
I REALLY hate when this happens to my 18 year old younger sister. It even happens when she is walking her daycare kids down the streets through our town. It is bad enough that guys make obscene gestures and cat calls at her at all but they do it when there are a bunch of 5 and 6 years old with her? It is disgusting.
When a man TOUCHES someone – it goes beyond a catcall.
With all the attention on the title, I just reread the whole article. Where does he ever mention “some” men? He ends it again with “Why do men catcall women?” I replied to a post above with other examples:
Why do black people like watermelon? (It’s not racist, I didn’t say ALL black people)
Why are Chinese people good at math? (It`s not racist, I didn’t say ALL Chinese people)
Why are women beautiful? (Not so fast ladies, I didn’t say ALL of you).
Well today I travelled from 57th & 3rd to the South Street Sea Port, started the day at 34th and 7th, headed to the village, went back up town & then all the way down town- did not hear or observe any overt cat calling…. And I’m observant enough to found 2 flattened rats today…
Really & truly, show of hands, who heard a cat call today?
Wolf Whistle?
That hiss Chica! thing that was popular in the disco era?
In my cat calling experience(s) – I’ve found them to be younger men, more often in a group, more often immigrant / second generation (read Italians), bluer collar, less education, more followers than leaders –
Given the above, and if statistically truer than not, how can they best be made aware?
I bet some would say that free PUA memberships would do the trick…
The worst street harassment I have experienced occurred when I was younger and living in San Francisco. It involved a group of young immigrant men who I believe were from Central America. They hung out every morning outside the Muni rail station which I used to get to school. The stuff they said was often In Spanish but I spoke a little Spanish so I knew what they were saying. Also, the leering, whistling and kissy noises needed no translation. Their behavior disgusted me. They were very crude and threatening and sometimes even followed me for short distances. One morning… Read more »
Maybe they’re gender norm policing, to the standard of the “old” country? One of my Daughters’s friends has quite short hair for a HS girl …… Her Mom from Dominican repub. calls her on it for being non-feminine….her dad is fine with it. When she visits with my kid…and asked/spoke about it, my wife and I said it looks cute and total fine….cultural differences…Not that the Catcalls comments are right or OK……Fired a guy years ago who did that as a truck driver for us at work……but need to prove it affected job performance first…also from central america.
That has been my experience as well Sarah – it’s funny how we tip toe all around this general profile of the common cat caller, and would rather speak to systemic/endemic underpinnings that serve more the political theory than the reality. I grew up in Naples Italy, which is really the Olympic training grounds for gaining and practicing street smarts, and on my very first trip to New York City, while I was walking around town with my Aunt, we were followed by a small group of Hispanic young men who decided that we were going to be their next… Read more »