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Are you too picky in dating? Maybe you’re not picky enough…
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A few years ago, a 30-year-old woman came to see me for coaching. “I’ve been on 200 dates. My family tells me I’m too picky in dating. I want to get married, but I can’t seem to find the right guy. Do you think I’m being too picky?”
And get this—she was about to board a bus and travel four hours to meet a man in Baltimore for a third date, a guy with whom she felt very little connection and zero attraction!
“Why are you getting on that bus?” I said. “You’re not interested in this man.
Why waste your precious time and money on a guy with no potential?
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He bores you. You’re not attracted to him. Why waste your precious time and money on a guy with no potential?”
“I’m not sure what to do,” she said. “That’s why I’m here to see you. I want to make sure I’m not being too picky.”
“I honestly don’t think you’re picky enough. Let’s discuss how to know if you’re too picky or not picky enough in dating,” I said. “And why don’t you go ahead and cancel that trip to Baltimore?”
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4 Signs You’re Not Picky Enough
- You’re dating every person who contacts you online
- You’re dating every person you’re set up with before vetting them
- You’re dating every person who is attractive to you
- You go on second and third dates with people who don’t have any of your must-haves
4 Signs You’re Too Picky
- You only date people who are your ‘type’
- You’re looking for instant chemistry and won’t date someone a second time if you don’t feel immediate attraction
- You only date people with advanced degrees
- You only date people who earn seven figures
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Look beyond the externals and your ‘type’ (how’s that working for you?), and focus on the heart and soul of a potential partner.
Appreciate your date for who he or she has become, for the inner work they’ve done to improve their lives. Don’t judge them based on who they were in their last relationship.
Be picky about finding a partner who makes you feel safe, cherished, heard, and seen. Not someone who makes you feel nervous, insecure, and ignored.
A partner with a steel core of integrity is more important than one with a Ph.D. or a million dollars salary.
Be picky about what lies beneath the surface. Find out why your date chose their profession and what they love about the work they do.
Be picky about what lies beneath the surface. Find out why your date chose their profession and what they love about the work they do.
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Discover what they’re passionate about and what makes them come alive. What type of music and art moves them, and which of their travels made a lasting impression.
Get picky about shared values by discovering a person’s ‘whys’. For example, ask your date about their favorite trip and why they loved it. “I loved traveling to Spain, because the colors are so vibrant, the art is magnificent, and the food is so tasty.” Doesn’t that tell you so much more than, “I love to travel”, which is what most people would say on a first date?
Discover if you are compatible physically, spiritually, and emotionally, and you’ll spend less time with the wrong people. Get picky about the right stuff, and you’ll be on the path to meeting your best match.
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What questions do you get picky about asking on a date to discover if you’re a good match? Please share in the comments below.
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Photo: Flickr/Guian Bolisay
Hmm apparently I should be pickier. Interesting too, about vetting someone you’ve been arranged to meet. I was always taught growing up that to back out of a date set-up for you was incredibly rude; it may very well be a regional culture thing.
I put chemistry (“spark”) above all else – it’s the one thing that remains constant for me from the very day I meet someone. Also the one thing that can’t be changed.
Yes, D, I agree about the “spark” thing – if that is not there in the beginning, you are flogging a dead horse, and in my opinion, you will never be more than “best mates”, which is nice, but there will never be any romance and fantastic bonding sex, more just like brother and sister. However, after this, you need to establish that you are compatible in other ways. Core values, interests, sense of humour. If these are missing, no amout of trying will keep the romantic relationship going. Fine, if you are happy living with a good friend or… Read more »
D, yes the spark is necessary, and with the right person, it grows. If it has no substance, as Veronica mentioned, the relationship crashes and burns. Many people think they’ll be swept off their feet immediately. The chemistry will be through the roof, exciting, a ’10’. My advice? If it’s a ’10’, run in the other direction. You will probably lose yourself in that relationship. You will probably overlook some major red flags. Attraction is one of the cornerstones of a healthy relationship, but it must be supported by other key areas of compatibility. Do you share a world view… Read more »
Only in America!
Even when a woman finds the guy she feels is “right”, she is still going to find something wrong with him….It will last a few years. Then it’s on to the next one. Rinse and repeat.
Now, tell me why men should be interested in commitment again?
Yes, when it comes to women these days, I am extremely cynical, indeed.
“Yes, when it comes to women these days, I am extremely cynical, indeed.”
It’s not just the U.S. How privileged must one be in dating to get hit on so often to be able to reject someone for being 1 inch too short. My single male friends and I have to spend a lot of effort to even get a single reply with online dating, and offline isn’t much better either.
In my experience, they do not see themselves as privileged. As far as they are concerned (generally) the only reason they are single is because everyone else is too shallow to give them a chance. If you’re going to demand perfection in a partner, you’d better make sure that you yourself are pretty close to perfection too.
I’m not American 😉
Well said Sandy. Before I met my girlfriend, I contacted a woman online who said that I was her type but because I was “only one inch taller” than her, she wasn’t interested.
It’s absurd that ridiculous standards some people have, they’re harming themselves and many of the pickiest people I know think the only reason they are single is because everyone else is shallow!
FrankS,
You are a wise man; you know what’s important in a relationship. One inch taller? Please!
And that is why you have a girlfriend and those other guys are still single. Your girlfriend is a lucky woman!