To appreciate what you have, sometimes you have to imagine life without it.
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I could have titled this article, The death of my marriage. But that wouldn’t have been accurate. It is the loss of my partner that affects me. Everything else is dust in the wind. An even more precise title would be, Contemplating the death of the person who means the most to me in the whole world. Yes, that’s it.
And no, I am not thinking of killing my partner or leaving the relationship. It’s just that I have had a lot of death show up in my life recently, both near and far. Far, is Paris. Near, is the recent death of my aunt who was dear to my heart.
This year a friend died way before his time and now one of my best friends has cancer. Makes me think . . . a lot. Just to top things off, the reading this week in my book club was a chapter titled, Contemplating Death, from Michael Singer’s book, The Untethered Soul (a wonderful book, I highly recommend it).
Enough already. I got the message. But this is not the first time I have cast my thoughts into the future and tried to imagine my life without my wife. Must be some morbid part of me, or insecurity, or am I just following an ancient Buddhist practice of meditating on death? In the latter case it is usually one’s own death that is the focus of the meditation.
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When I was younger, worrying about the end of the relationship was not uncommon. Obviously, the end of the relationship is not the same as the death of your spouse. But, and it is a big but, it feels the same in many ways. Or at least it did back when I was younger.
The source of the fear was different. When younger, there was uncertainty about the relationship. Now, the relationship is solid, but death is much nearer. The similarity is the loss of the other, even though the means are different.
There was a feeling of annihilation, a fear of being unable to cope, and often a desperate attempt to avoid the unavoidable.
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And, the outcome for me is the same—being without the object of my love. However, even though there are similar feelings involved, there are some profound differences.
When young, the thought of the relationship ending had a sense of panic and desperation around it. There was a feeling of annihilation, a fear of being unable to cope, and often a desperate attempt to avoid the unavoidable.
Some of these aspects could be true when contemplating your partner’s death as well. For me, a profound sadness permeates my soul.
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I am sad for many reasons including: having not shown her how much she means to me, not being able to treat her as lavishly as she deserves (you know, servants, jewels, houses around the world), missing out on all the sweet moments we share, whether it is eating a meal, watching TV or kayaking on the ocean.
How many beautiful vistas have we seen together?
I would especially miss watching my wife’s spiritual journey.
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I find it so much more enjoyable to share those views with someone. Then, there are all the arguments we have as we fight to understand ourselves and each other and eventually coming together as mutual understanding is birthed and we celebrate our love and enhanced appreciation for each other.
I would especially miss watching my wife’s spiritual journey. She is so courageous, disciplined, and fearless in her exploration of the spiritual realm. In a sense, she is doing the work for both of us as she willingly shares her wisdom on this subject.
I would miss looking at her body. I would miss her eclectic fashion sense, I would miss how drop dead gorgeous she looks when going out to a special event. I would miss her laughter (I always love to make her laugh).
I would miss her dancing and creativity (she was a professional dancer and is creative in most areas of her life). I would even miss her stubbornness and proclivity to say no before saying yes.
Yes, I would even miss these so called negative aspects because they are also who she is. And what a person she is. She is alive. Alive and willing to be in a relationship with me sharing time and space in an ongoing dialectic.
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This is the value of contemplating your partner’s death. To appreciate what we have. To appreciate what is in our lives, imperfections and all, because once they are gone, that is forever and all we will have is memories.
Contemplating death makes me want to become so aware of the moments that they are forever burned indelibly in my brain. It makes me appreciate my partner all the more knowing that one day, it will end.
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A few nights ago we were lying in bed talking about death. One of the questions Singer asks is what you would do if you knew you only had a week to live. My wife looked me in the eyes and said, “I would want to spend every moment with you.” And I said, “Yes, to feel our love.”
As I said the word love, it was as if a door opened and we both nodded in agreement. Contemplating death made us more aware of the importance of love.
As John Lennon said, “Love is all there is.”
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock