One of the hardest things about depression is understanding it. This advice will help.
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Depression is devastating. When someone is suffering from depression, their entire life is blown apart. It can be a massive struggle just to make it through each day. But they aren’t the only ones who struggle. The people who are often forgotten are the loved ones of a person with depression. No-one tells them how to cope. They don’t know what to do. I would like to try and offer some advice to those people.
Knowing somebody you love is struggling with depression leaves you feeling incredibly helpless. You feel if you could say the right thing, or do something special, that maybe you will be able to help them to get better. But you don’t know what to say or what to do.
You try a gentle approach, you try a firm approach. You give them space, you try to get them to open up. You suggest things that can help. You buy them presents. You say encouraging things, you get frustrated and argue. Yet nothing you do seems to make any difference.
From my experience, the big mistake that people often make is that they treat depression as a mood, as if saying or doing the right thing will lift the depression. What you must remember is that depression isn’t a mood – it’s a very debilitating illness.
If somebody had a broken leg, you wouldn’t tell them to go for a run. You would be patient, you would understand that it will take time, patience and rehabilitation. When the leg heals and you can walk again, it still can take weeks for it to regain full strength. It may never be as strong again. Depending on how bad the break was, it may alter how you walk, what exercise you can do, even how you stand. It may never be the same again.
That is EXACTLY what depression is like.
Just because you can’t see an injury doesn’t mean that it isn’t debilitating. I talked in my previous article about how, after my worst bout of depression, it took months before I felt I could do my job properly. Even now, two years on, I’m not the same as I was. I don’t do overtime. I don’t work night shifts. I don’t get left on my own for too long. There are countless other little things as well. This is because my depression completely changed my entire outlook on life, and it changed who I was as a person.
When their loved ones are battling depression, when they are in that darkness, human nature is to try and ‘fix’ them. For a lot of people, this approach won’t work. Whilst there are things you can do, like giving the day a routine, and trying to find activities to keep the persons’ mind active, you are not going to be able to make someone “snap out of it”, it’s just impossible.
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Try to imagine that depression is like being in a dark tunnel. The person with depression can’t see a thing, because everything is surrounded by darkness. Every sound is amplified, every fear is magnified. All they want to do is get out of the tunnel, but they can’t see where to go, they don’t know what to do. Your natural reaction is to lead them out of this dark tunnel, back to the light.
This is the WRONG approach.
You may think it makes sense, but for the person with depression, nothing makes sense. That’s the nature of the illness. They can’t be led out of the tunnel, because the fear is too great, the darkness is too dark. Trying to drag them out of this tunnel is more likely to make them curl up and hide than do any good.
For men, in particular, this approach can backfire greatly. Men, by their very nature, are trained not to talk about their issues. We have been told, since the moment we could understand, that ‘men’ don’t ask for help. It has been ingrained upon our very psyche that to show weakness or vulnerability is to go against everything that defines what a ‘man’ is. It doesn’t matter that those stereotypes are hopelessly wrong, and decades out of date. The instinctual reaction for a male is to insist they don’t need help, that they can manage by themselves. Indeed, any pressure on a man to open up, or to accept help, often backfires. Men revert into themselves, put up emotional barriers, and shut down. You can’t force anyone to open up at the best of times, and pressuring a man when he’s at his lowest ebb will create more problems than it solves.
What you need to do is be there for them. If they talk, just listen. Don’t talk, don’t give them opinions. Just really listen. When I was at my worst, everybody I tried to talk to would give me an opinion on how I could ‘make things better’. The thing was, I wasn’t asking for an opinion. I just wanted to relay how I felt, and for the person to listen, give me a hug and reassure me that however long it took, they would stay in the darkness with me until I found my own way out. Yet no-one listened. They talked, and they advised, and they suggested, and they tried to help, but they didn’t LISTEN. That, more than anything, is what you need to do. Sit with them, let them talk. However upsetting or shocking what they say is, don’t give advice, just listen. When they finish, hug them, tell them you love them, and that however long it takes, you will be there until they find the strength to get better. You will never be able to lead someone out of the dark tunnel, all you can do is stay in the tunnel with them until they feel strong enough to lead themselves out.
Yes, it’s hard. In many ways, hearing my loved ones tell me about their darkness was worse than living in my own. Yes, it’s often thankless. And yes, at times, you will feel rejected. But don’t give up on them. Support them, love them, and be there for them until they find the strength to get better.
And most of all, when they talk, listen.
Photo—Chris Barber/Flickr
My girlfriend lost her mother last spring and even though I tried to be there for her she pushed me away. She moved to another city for a shot term job to separate from her ex hi and but she wasn’t ready emotionally due to her moms passing. She was very elect ant to communicate and once she wasn’t truthful about here whereabouts fearing I would be upset. It raised trust concerns for me. She started meeting a close guy friend for drinks three different times to talk about her mother whom they both knew. I was understanding them but… Read more »
a loving relationship of 6 months. I have recently discovered that my love is livingin this dark tunnel cause depression. that he’ll be okay for a few weeks at a time depression sets in out of nowhere.he didn’t isolate himself and starts to drink.I believe this is the reason why some of his relationships have failed. I have tried to assure him that I am truly in love with him and love him unconditionally. I have let him know that if he needs and listening ear I’m here for him. Houston so frustrating because I feel like there is nothing… Read more »
I am trying to support my husband, but he has recently told me he has had an affair. I love him very much (we’ve been together for 24 years) and am trying to support him, but am so hurt. He doesn’t know if he wants to stay at home with me and our two children. We are getting counselling but am I am fool to think he may come out of depression to find his feelings of love for me again?
I wish you the best. I’ve recently discovered my wife has attempted an extra-marital encounter with a friend (he was honourable and put a stop to it) . I know it’s because of the depression; it coincided with her lowest point that led her to get medical help and medication. I forgive her and we will prevail; except I haven’t told her I know yet. I’ve been waiting for the meds to level her off. I’m going to do it this week with the help of the marriage counsellor. Point being, there’s lots of literature out there pointing out that… Read more »
I’ve dated someone with depression and did all of he things above. It is very tempting to tell them to get a job, have more hobbies, start exercising but I didn’t. I just listened and processed occasionally hinting at something which she did or did not think about/ act on. I was just content that she’s doing her best to better her condition. She was probably glad to have a listener and told me copious details, while I listened. In my endeavour to not hurt her, I never spoke of the things that I thought were really off. Not trusting… Read more »
This is a Great Article! I have a GF of 2 years that has been battling Depression for a little over a year now. I went to Therapy, as I felt like I was at my wits end in frustration. What I have found interesting in speaking to a therapist about these issues, is that there are some good insightful things that come out of therapy, BUT overall therapists don’t really relate to being in your position as a significant other of somebody suffering with Mental Health Illness. Therapy doesn’t really give you any insight on techniques or strategies for… Read more »
Well as you said that you should just listen.. You can do this when the person is in front of you .. What if that person is writing to you about what’s going wrong with him through a msg or through a chat… Then usually it is assumed by the depressed that you are not interested in listening yo him because you don’t reply or even if you just do hmm then it is taken as that we don’t care.. What then? What can you do at such cases?
This is a very important article. I feel people do not understand how to cope or deal with a SO that has depression. I dealt with my SO’s for 6 years, it started a few months after we started dating. Insomnia was a big part of it during the night and thus she would sleep all day. I would spend countless hours during the night just listening, sometimes talking when she wanted me to tell her something about me or just plain watching TV until her body would get too tired and eventually fell asleep and I would sleep, waking… Read more »
What if the person you love refuses to seek professional treatment for their depression, starts lying about anything and everything, actively seeks to drive a wedge between you and eventually refuses to talk/communicate at all? How does one continue to be supportive when all the above is causing you to lose confidence and become depressed?
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Very insightful article. However it seems incongruous to me to say at one point “What you must remember is that depression isn’t a mood – it’s a very debilitating illness.” and then at the end of the piece imply the very thing you argue against, that the loved ones should just hang in there until “they find the strength to get better.”. As if the person with depression just needs to buck up and “find the strength” to get better. While the rest of the piece shares some thoughtful, articulate insights…that last bit undermines it.
As a lifelong depressive who self-medicated for twenty-some years, this article rings true. Unfortunately, the downside to this debilitating illness is: we often don’t WANT to burden others with our problems, and so would rather keep quiet than force someone listen to the “woe is me” talk. When we’re depressed, we’re also hypersensitized to how others might react, and choose silence over talk, even if it’s with a therapist. At least that’s how it manifests for me.
Hi Christian my name is Mily, I am in 10 grade and I am doing a project over depression for school. I just read your respond to the artical and I was wondering if you have any interest in helping me finish my project by just answering some questions or even by sharing your story with me. Just email me and I will give you more info about it. Thank you so much!
Milly,
I would be pleased and honored to assist with your project. Please contact me at:
[email protected]
Christian M. Lyons
So listening is very important, I hear that. But how do you deal or comfort a depressed partner(loosely used term) who refuses to talk. For 2 years I’ve been dying to hear anything real come from his mouth, anything regarding how he feels and what brought about this vicious change in personality. The closest he gets is when he’s so drunk he can’t walk straight…that’s the only time he opens up about how miserable he is. It’s so sad. Other wise, it’s almost like he’s become an unfeeling, robot version of himself. Even most of his laughter doesn’t sound real..
Monica – Please get some help for yourself to get through this, either through Al-Anon or a counselor or both. I have struggled with depression for years myself, and I can’t say strongly enough that it does not excuse not working on getting healthy and trying to do right by the people around us. You need to protect yourself and take care of yourself first and foremost. I can see that you care very much for this person, but his refusal to even talk with you has got to be hard on you and, I’d argue, pretty unfair. Get some… Read more »
Monica … I think we have a lot in common. After financial and legal problems, the man I love has turned into a monster. He tells me he feels empty, a no good bum, he also tells me that the person he was is gone. One day he said he hates his life … He hates his job … He hates coming home. He also drinks too much and this is not helping finances, he drinks at home, but that is money going out each month that could be used for bills. He doesn’t see it that way. He gets… Read more »
I started crying as I read this article. I have suffered from clinical depression for 23 of my 35 years, and I know that people are at their wits’ end trying to deal with me, and I don’t have an answer for them, nor have I ever been able to pull myself out of it for more than a few weeks at a time. I am going to forward this article to them in the hopes that it will be easier to understand the problem if it comes from someone other than myself… Thank you.
Thisi is an important article and one that I hope helps loved ones of depressed partners. I experienced the worst kind of abusive anger, verbal/emotional abuse from my soon to be ex husband when I was in the darkest depression of my life. His lack of empathy, angry helplessness and witholding of emotional connection almost led me to kill myself. He admits that he just doesn’t understand depression and he stays away from things he does not understand and calls depression “my crotch.” Amazingly enough, I am not depressed even though we are divorcing and i was demoted from my… Read more »
Pia, I actually had mt fiance leave me the very day that I had a brwak down and needed him most. Worked on trust and my own issues, and I am slowly beginning to trust that my current partner won’t do the same. He has got me through a job that nearly killed me, my Mother’s death, a serious illness, stress and sometimes serious depression that leaves me unable to even think let alone get anything done. The right person will do all the right things. Don’t be saddened by those who give up – they weren’t willing to give… Read more »
Amen to that! He emotionally abuses me and then unable to leave I go into severe depression for several years. Living like zombie for too long I made the decision that if I was staying I had to make things better. We had been doing better for a year when I discovered his affair. He said he had been unhappy, I wasn’t giving what this man/narcissist needed so he found someone who would. Deciding to stay together we are trying to work things out, but he now appears to have his own depression. I acknowledged that I hadn’t been giving/loving… Read more »
Thank you.
Yes, I agree. Listening is the best thing you can do. Being there in the dark tunnel with someone is giving support. Support is key in someone’s recovery. However, the person listening has to continue to take care of themselves. Attend counselling sessions or be part of a support group for loved ones who live with depression. Self care is essential to be able to continue to be supportive and listen. It is not your responsibility to fix… Just listen… be there and love..
Thanks for this Andrew. My partner of three years suffers from depression. It’s the first time in my life (I was 34 years old when we started dating) I’ve been close to someone who suffers from a mental illness. I learned early on that the best thing to do is, as you said, just listen. Just be there. When she cries I hold her. When she needs to talk, I listen. I have urges to give advice but I resist them. It can be very difficult to understand that no amount of encouragement or saying the “right things” will help.… Read more »
I often feel that I no one will love me for me when they see my moods and low times. That they will leave because it’s all just too much for them to take. My self doubts. My anxiety. My over thinking. It’s too much for someone. I get that actually. Yet I want someone to be there for me despite all this. To love me despite all this. But I don’t know if there is someone like that. Or ever will be.
My mum currently lives with my fiancé and myself. She’s 60 and single. I think she has depression however hasn’t admitted it until tonight. Her language and angry moods are really hurtful. She will say irrational comments that are generally blaming me in some way. I’m seriously struggling with this behaviour. I feel so frustrated and angry myself when she says things that are completely untrue. At the same time I feel really sad that she is feeling so much pain. I try to encourage mum to change her language, but she gets angry with me.
For me, this could have been called “How to Love Yourself.” So often, learning to love yourself in the midst of depression is the hardest thing to do. Thank you for sharing.
I loved a man with depression, unfortunately it came close to destroying me as well as him. It was the end of our marriage when he was unable to seek help after a year of agonising struggle for both of us.
For those that survive I salute you, an enormous task for both the person with depression and those that love them
The daoeess in the tunnel is a powerful metaphor… It is undeniably how depression must feel. I recall a psychiatrist once told me many patients with depression can’t see the forest from the trees. I disagree on a few poitnts. there are many types of depression. Biological depression is rarely predictable and has a strong genetic component. These require medical intervention. Many times depression is caused by a trigger. In such cases, creating false optimism can help according a to a few psychiatrists I met. They said mindset can make all of the difference. In many cases, they assured their… Read more »
It’s just like that. My depression (and mania) went undetected for more than 20 years. Besides a listener, what I craved most was an explanation. Help is much more readily available today than when I was first diagnosed (about 19 years ago) and I’d encourage anyone who might think he or she is depressed to find it and use it.
I don’t like the broken leg analogy but the dark tunnel one is the first one I have ever heard that made any sense to me. I always avoided the dark tunnel that my wife gets stuck in. It made me sick to my stomach. Tonight I am trying to bring some warmth and a small glowing candle. I’m actually typing this out as I sit next to her in a dark room, the screen of my tablet is like a flickering candle. I don’t know how long I can last in here, but I’m going to try.
This was finely written and very powerful advice, thank you for sharing.