Is He Too Small For Her?

A woman wants to know how to make sex more pleasurable with her not-so-well-endowed boyfriend. 

Originally appeared at She Said He Said

Dear Sexes: So, I am seeing a guy and we get along pretty swimmingly. Problem? His penis is VERY small. I’m 5’7”, so yeah, I’m tall and have, ahem, correspondingly tall body parts. Sex just isn’t at all enjoyable with him because of the size issue (the kissing and foreplay is fine). I feel really shallow admitting it, but our sex isn’t fulfilling and I’m not sure what to do about it.She Said:First, you and your guy should both be doing some manual clitoral stimulation even while his penis is inside you. This isn’t just for ladies whose guys have smaller members. In fact, most women who try touching themselves during sex are into it. Try positions where you guys have easy access to your clit, like you on your back with your butt on a pillow. He can kneel in front of you and pull your body up to his, thus making your access really, really easy.I also suspect that this position will cause his penis to hit your G-spot quite perfectly. Just a theory. Test it out.Beyond that, I’m gonna admit I needed to seek some advice here. I just didn’t know what other sex positions would help it feel tighter…So Googled it! had a list of positions that seemed great, including what I described above, though they have their own little variations. Here is there list, but for greater detail, definitely read the article.

  1. The Doggie: They suggest you put your head and shoulders down on a pillow, your booty up, and angle your back.
  2. The Snake: Basically, you lay on your belly, legs barely spread. I don’t know about this, you’ll have to try it and get back to us.
  3. The Rabbit Ears: You lay on your back, butt on a pillow, and put your knees all the way up by your chest. This seems pretty brilliant, actually.
  4. The V-Formation: Basically what I first described, but with some twists.

So that should be fun! Also remember your kegels, and practice them during sex. Squeeze on every pull-out, relax on every push in. Got it?

He Said: Penis pump! Penis pump!! Penis pump!!! Okay, sorry about that. Let me refocus. Your question is terrific, and your predicament difficult. Is his penis lacking in length, girth or both? How much do you like this guy, and how much are you willing to do (or try) to find a solution?

If this is a man you love, and hope to spend a portion of your life with, you might as well go above and beyond in an attempt to have satisfying sex for both of you. Since your parts aren’t a perfect match, you’ll both have to get creative. If we’re talking strictly intercourse here, then I’ll have to leave that portion of my answer to She Said. Now that that’s out of the way, let’s start thinking outside of the box (pun intended).

I’m just brainstorming here, but can your boyfriend stimulate your vagina the way you like with his fingers? Hands? What if he uses a vibrator on you?  Would you be open to having him put his penis in other (perhaps smaller) orifices on your body?  Perhaps Kegel exercises could help. Get imaginative! Explore all options, and after you’ve exhausted all possibilities, decide if you can get the kind of pleasure you seek (and deserve).  Don’t give up easily.  You’re fighting for your (sex) life!

Do you have a question for Josie and Eli? Ask it here.


Photo of detail of zipper on blue jeans courtesy of Shutterstock

About She Said He Said

Eli and Josie, friends since college, realized how lucky they were to have one another—an honest friend of the opposite sex who tells it like it is. They wanted to share that with the world and so was born.


  1. Oh this is so cute on remarks. I LOVE my husband we have been together for 14 years we grew up together. Hes small… it took years before i had my first cum with him, and when i had it i though.. ‘is that it?’. Before i had never masterbated or had sex with another man. After reading some sexual health books i decided to ‘explore’ my self to find out why sex sucked. I couldn’t understand why he got SO much out of sex and i got a 2 second half wonder when i worked really hard at it.

    I came across and article ‘does size really matter?’ and decided to get a dildo that was BIG almost twice his size and girth. . . this had not clit attachment so it was simply a G spot cum… and it was amazing. I tried recreating with him and it just didn’t work. 14 years later i love my husband i tell him he’s perfect in and out of bed.. but his little guy will never get me like my big guy. No matter what your girl says, it depends on HER size. I have a big vagina with big lips ive seen girls with itty bitty. SIZE does matter when i comes to sex, and the size of her heart.

    • I realize that this article is about six months old. I felt a need to respond as a Bi-isexual male who has experienced oral, anal and vaginal sex with women and oral and anal sex with men for about 40 years now. Size has never mattered wether giving or receiving. It has always been (for me) what was occuring while we were having sex that made it sexy, fun and sexually incredible.

  2. First off I think the issue is not about criticizing people for having a preference its about the annoying diatribes that women go on penis size. I don’t necessarily want to date a women who isobese but I don’t go around whining about big girls making them feel bad for no reason. Also its about being realistic what you see in porn is fantasy it makes people believe that having normal size penis is small 4-7 erect2.5-4. infllaccid. The penis issue is a self-fufilling prophecy if you been told your whole life that sex with a penis that’s not huge will suck, it will suck not necessarily because its to small because your going into it half hearted laying there like a dead fish not intune with your body and pleasure. Comparing ass/breast size in relation to penis size makes no sense because they don’t grow the same way where as you can literally gain weight and your breast and ass will get bigger, penis have limitedtime during puberty and are generally small in nature in comparison to ass and Brest size

  3. I know this is old but I wonder.

    Maybe the reason there is so much confusion over size is because there is a vicious cycle of guys thinking that size matters and women insulting penis size (and overall sexual performance) when they really want to hurt a guy.

    (In contrast I don’t think most people would argue that a guy wanting to really hurt a woman by insulting her weight/size and and women thinking that their size/weight matter are not tied together in a similar manner.)

  4. Eric M. says:

    This is one of the best comments I have read in a very long time. Her preference is her preference. She shouldn’t be criticized for what makes her feel good. And, I noticed that, rightly, no one did criticize her. Interestingly, instead of telling her she is shallow (as men are often told) most had advice as to how HE should try compensate for his lack, in order to please her, including (amazingly) suggesting that she tell him to get a removable penile prosthesis. Unbelievable.
    As Michael pointed out, men should be accorded the very same respect but (as is in evidence in many articles here) men are often harshly criticized for have body preferences. I certainly do, and make no apologies for it. But, I did the wise thing and married someone who happens to have the physical characteristics that I like.

    • Interesting comparisons. It didn’t sound like she was saying that she thinks large penises are more attractive, but that her boyfriend’s penis is too small too physically stimulate her vagina. If her issue was more mental, like, “I’m not attracted to men with small penises because they don’t look manly enough” (and I’m sure there are women who feel that way) then I think it would be comparable to men who prefer women with big breasts or whatever. In the LW’s situation, it may be more of an actual physical problem. I’ve seen letters in sex advice columns from men who say that their girlfriend’s vagina is not tight enough or in one case, I recall a guy who said that his girlfriend produced so much lubrication that he could barely feel anything. So it can be a problem either way.

      • Eric M. says:

        Notice that I didn’t use the term “more attractive” or even the word “attractive.” A man may not be visually or sexually satisfied with small or smaller breasts, just as this woman is not sexually satisfied.

        Neither men nor women should be criticized for needing one body type or a certain physical characteristic in order to be satisfied.

  5. Michael says:

    I agree this relationship is doomed. No matter how much she likes him this will be central to their relationship. Whether it is truly physical (possible) or mental or both (probable) he is unable to physically please her. Dildos, fingers, clitoral stimulation will give her orgasms but not an elemental feeling of male/female pleasuring that I think is critical. Asking him to wear extensions is worse then telling him she is breaking up with him over his size. Think about it; if a guy said your breasts were too small and he was breaking up with you it would be hurtful; forcing you wear falsies or get a boob-job just to keep him around would be demeaning. I had a girl I started dating tell me she was used to and needed larger. I am an above average 7 1/2 and had other girls love it and remark on it. This girl didn’t.

    I think both genders need to stop bashing each other for their preferences. I am also on the shorter side and get when women don’t consider me because of my height; I get the biological/sociological preference for feeling ‘safe/feminine/protected’ even if none of those are actually a function of my height. Similarly a woman wanting a large penis for the same reasons is nothing to be ashamed of or apologize for. I am ok with all the above as long as my/men’s own preferences for youth, beauty, femininity aren’t turned into the supposedly evil/misogynistic preferences they are categorized as.

    As a ‘for instance’ if I date a beautiful girl it is because I ‘can’t handle smart women”, if I date a girl younger then my female friends it is because I “can’t handle strong women”, if I prefer slim or big breasts I am shallow and don’t appreciate women as people. The same women that say the like tall/big men because it makes them feel petite/feminine/protected sneer when I date a younger woman because ‘it is the only way for me to feel like a ‘big man”.

    Sorry to digress but it goes to my point that this woman should not feel ashamed for her preference, mental or otherwise, for a larger penis and that lack is going to affect every element of their relationship. She will NOT treat him OUTSIDE of the bedroom she would with a man with a penis that provides her with the feeling she is looking for and that behavior will be ultimately more demeaning then just finding out she needs a larger one (even if he just intuits it from the breakup).

  6. 7-8 is perfect length + nice girth is a requirement.

    Agreed – I don’t see this relationship working……sex/physical compatibility is extremely important.

  7. Disagree. It’s not women in general at all.

    Those comments have Women’s Studies / feminist theory written all OVER them. I would bet my next paycheck that each one who made those comments strongly IDs as such AND frequents sites such as, Jezebel, and the like.

  8. Just had to say I think it’s mad funny that women seem to have no problem talking about the size of a man’s penis (objectification) but freak out when men talk about the size of their breasts in the other article.

    Hypocrisy, thy name is woman.

  9. wellokaythen says:

    “Sex isn’t at all enjoyable with him…. (the kissing and foreplay is fine)”

    This part just jumps out at me. (Damn, it’s hard [dang it!] to avoid puns on this issue.)

    Sounds cold and boring already if she’s writing about it like that. Stage One complete. Stage Two complete. Stage Three fail.

    Of course his penis size could ultimately be some sort of dealbreaker in their sexual relationship, but this sounds like there are lots of other issues going on. If she is not enjoying any of their sex together, then there is clearly something besides penis size going on. Lack of imagination, lack of variety, lack of awareness about what stimulates her, for example, and I mean her own lack of these things, not just his.

    Obviously there’s what everyone else mentioned, which is that “sex” seems to mean PIV to her. Somehow the discussion lept from her getting orgasms from PIV to ONLY getting orgasms from PIV. I’m guessing that is a real rarity – being able to orgasm from vaginal intercourse and ONLY vaginal intercourse.

    Good practical, good faith advice – try different things, maximize what feels best to do, make sure that it really is a question of penis size. I say “good faith” advice, because I’ve read several relationship advice columnists say that many people write in not for real advice but for absolution for what they’ve already decided they will do. I hope she really is looking for practical advice about this partner, but it’s possible she’s looking for you to say that it’s not shallow to dump him because of his penis size.

    • Terence Manuel says:

      Reading between the lines, this seems to be one of those women who needs a big penis man. Instead of coming out and saying this, she like most women, would rather ramble and babble on and on about other aspects…..
      If he was so small, I wonder why she never mentioned his specific size? I have a guess. He is probably your average male. Not small.

      • Michael says:

        Lots of women have no idea about the size they are dealing with. Their was a fascinating chart out I wish I could find a link to that showed the dsitribution of penis size vs the penis size women said their partners had or that they preferred and the chart clearly demonstrated a break with reality. They interviewed one porn start with a *real* 8-incher and he was telling how he had slept with numerous women (off the set) who swore they had had 8, 9, 10 inch penises and when they saw his were floored.

        So there are several possibilities here, one being that she had a prior boyfriend who was above average and her current bf is not, or that he indeed simply small. Notice she did not say this was a pattern. If she was a size queen then it might be a pattern because, statistically speaking, the odds of encountering one 8-9 inch penis after another in each relationship/encounter is minuscule (pardon the pun).

        Some women I know are also just hung up on the concept; one friend keeps saying it HSA to be 9″ and she ‘deserves’ it because she has vaginal orgasms. Now I realize I don’t have a V but know a little something from both experience and reading and told her that she might just concentrate on girth since among other things the odds were slim (pun intended again, this is fun 😉 ) that she’d find that, unless of course she had cervical orgasms which are rare. She insisted she needed 9″ to hit her g-spot. I asked her if she thought I had 9″ fingers then since at least a few of them had reached a few g-spots in my time.

        In this case I am going to go with the OPs word and say his penis is too small for her period since apparently she has tried it and I don’t think shutting the lights will change that.

        • It’s called ‘Womens Preferred Penis Size Chart’ and it really blows the lid off this “Size doesn’t really matter” B.S.

    • Michael says:

      It’s not shallow to dump him because of penis size

  10. Unless this guys penis is 2.5 inches or he has premature ejaculation, the girl who wrote in is probably just confused. I would bet good money that she thinks she magically is going to get off from 15 minutes of jack-rabbiting with no clitoral stimulation. Most women’s bodies don’t work like that.

    That being said, if she’s one of the lucky girls who does get off vaginally, then I don’t think it’s shallow to find someone new. You shouldn’t sacrifice something that’s important to you for the sake of “being nice.” Your needs to be met if you’re going to have a happy long-term relationship.

  11. No way this relationship works out. Won’t happen. This woman will not get over her problem with her boyfriends penis size and eventually she will either tell him which will wreck his confidence, or she will find some other reason to claim to dump him in search of another penis.
    You see why men have penis size issues because in the back of our minds we are always worried if our partners feel like this woman does and either lies to us or is just content with mediocre sex.
    I am by no means worried about my own anatomy but I fully admit to having fear of being shattered if I discovered my partner was unsatisfied because it was too small in her opinion. I know it’s just 1 person and he could surely find a woman who is perfectly satisfied with his penis. But that’s a tough pill to swallow and I hope that when this woman eventually dumps him, she doesn’t do it hurtfully or cite his small penis as the main reason why.

    • Terence Manuel says:

      “No way this relationship works out. Won’t happen. This woman will not get over her problem with her boyfriends penis size and eventually she will either tell him which will wreck his confidence, or she will find some other reason to claim to dump him in search of another penis.”

      She should be honest and tell him. Unfortunately, that is a tall order for a lot of women.

  12. She can try any of the suggestions as short term workarounds but if the use of all those contraptions are truly necessary, the odds of this relationship being successful long term are nestled somewhere between slim and none. Best if they each find someone with the qualities and characteristics they each long for.

    • I’m inclined to agree. I’ve been in a similar situation with a partner, though reversed, and eventually the problem really consumed the relationship. It wasn’t that there was anything “wrong” with either of us, just that we weren’t a good “fit” in that sense.

      If you can’t talk about it together respectfully and productively, it isn’t a good sign. Sex is important in most relationships and healthy partners communicate and problem solve together. If you can’t do that, and if you can’t find a solution, it may be time to move on. He may be as frustrated as she is.

  13. Maybe hes average in length and girth and shes “bigger” than she wants to admit

  14. Face it, she sounds like one of the 35% (the # that I keep hearing on this site) who needs PIV to get off. If thats the case and she seems to have made up her mind that he’s not ‘big enough’ , there’s not a whole lot to do. Hey, she doesn’t specify what small is, so for all we know, he could be average or close to it. (after all , some women consider 7-8″ adaquate) . She can try all those different positions mentioned. If they don’t do it for her, it’s time to ‘move on’.

    • Or even if those positions don’t help, that could try to use a dildo to help out. I’m curious, do they make something like the male version of a strap-on? Something like that could help.

      • They make ‘penis enhancers’ or ‘penis extensions’ .. I’ve seen them called both. Basically, they’re silicone pieces that slide over the penis to add length and girth, while still providing sensation for the guy. Some of them look realistic and some of them have ridges or bumps in them, etc. They might find something like that helpful.

        • Come on everyone! No Hetro Woman is going to be happy taking in a peice of silicone or latex rubber the rest of her life, no matter how many ‘lifelike’ bumps and ridges. Eventually she’s going to fel like she’s ‘missing out’ on the real thing. And no man is going to feel satisified or adaquate, for that matter, with an ‘enhancer’ covering his manhood. I’ve been lectured by women countless times on this site that “There’s a perfect fit for everyone somewhere out there”. I think it’s best if they BOTH go looking for theirs!

    • Actually I think 7-8″ is larger than average. And I’ve found smaller than that to be perfectly adequate. 🙂

      • “(after all , some women consider 7-8″ adaquate)”

        Ummmm…I’m with Sarah…that’s above average.

        • I realize that ‘s larger than average. I’m just saying that for SOME women (certainly not all) 7 to 8’ is the minimum size they need to feel satisfied.

          • Lol what? This just isn’t true at all. Bigger penises being more pleasurable is essentially a myth, most women can not get off through vaginal stimulation and since the avg vagina is only a few inches deep so the idea that a big penis could do more than a small penis doesn’t make any sense. For most women, sex with an 8 inch penis for more than a few minutes would probably hurt. Sure, some women prefer big penises but some women also like to have sex in animal costumes.

            • True, the vagina is only like 4″ or 5″ deep, I think I’ve read. The evolution of the human penis actually a bit of a mystery because it is much larger compared to body size than in other primates. One theory is that larger penises are used to displace sperm deposited by rival males. In chimps, which are our closest relatives, females mate promiscuously whenever they are in heat, and males in a social group do not compete with each other to mate. Instead, male chimps have huge tesitcles that produce copious amounts of sperm. This increases their chances of having the succcessful sperm. It’s possible that early human females were also promiscuous and mated with all the males in the social group, but male humans developed a different strategy to compete with each other on a sperm level, by having large penises that would scrape out rival sperm. (Scientists have even found the some sperm cells are actually designed to attack and fight with rival sperm cells.) In which case, large penises are not evolved for female pleasure but in order to compete with other males. Of course it’s just one theory.

            • I actually think penis size is incredibly important. In terms of reaching orgasm, a smaller or average sized penis can suffice, and good girth probably feels better than anything else. But what it really boils down to (in my opinion), is what the thing looks like. There’s a reason phallic imagery is so popular, and why porn stars tend to be well hung. Even if it technically feels the same, I find sex immensely more pleasurable when I know the guy is packing a large instrument. I feel like women are constantly told that they have to accept a small penis and learn to adapt to it, but sex is as much a visual game as anything else, and if men get to have ideal breast and ass sizes, women should get to appreciate a large penis without feeling shallow and condemned by society. 🙂

              • Terence Manuel says:

                Bailey, I commend you on being honest about this matter.

                A lot of women just refuse to be straight about so many things. It’s like pulling teeth with a lot of women.

                Women, like us men, have the right to demand whatever we desire in a partner, period. If he or she is lacking, then be honest and let them know. Just don’t be dishonest and deceive the person. It shows not only a lack of concern and care about that person’s feeling, but a real just disregard for them as a human being.

                • “Honey, you are a great guy, but I need a guy with a larger penis. vI’m telling you this because I respect you enough to be honest. Your penis is tiny . It’s not me, it most definitely is YOU! Good luck in your future relationships. You’ll need it!”

                  Uh, wouldn’t most guys prefer to be lied to in that case?

                  • Men aren’t endlessly judged? Go to any dating site and see how many ads require tall men. Oh it can be couched in the ‘rationale’ that ‘I like to wear heels so must be 3 inches taller’ but make no mistake about it women judge and clearly communicate their physical preferences all the time, height being the #1 requirement. did a study of ads and men needed about $10k per year per inch shorter then 6 feet just to get the same attention.

                    ADDED to our physical requirements are our income requirements. Now I don’t really care if you like men tall, hung or rich. I just wish you’d stop with the fury any time a man has those preferences.

                    Notice that men never say upon finding out that a woman he knows has started dating ‘How much does she make? How much does HE make? Hmm, I GUESS that’s ok”. “How tall is she? How tall is HE? Oh I guess that’s ok”.

                    Men don’t try to guilt women into liking what they don’t like by inventing terms like ‘SBM’ (Small Beautiful Men’) or ‘UBM’ (Under-endowed Beautiful Men’ or ‘PBM’ (Poor Beautiful Men’), we don’t chide women for choosing ‘income inappropriate’ or ‘height inappropriate’ men. We don’t tell women when they choose men taller that they just can’t ‘handle’ smart men or richer ones that they just can’t handle ‘strong’ ones.

                    We don’t have shows like Millionaire Maker that attempt to maintain 1/2 a paradigm (women choosing men for money) while making the very men being chosen feel guilty about participating in the very same paradigm when they choose young pretty wives.

                    Kick small men to the curb please, that is all based in your definition. I guess at 7+ I’d get kicked a fair amount of time and other times not. While we’re at it we can kick women over 30, women with small breasts, women with cellulite and women with yes ugly or loose vaginas to the curb as well.

                    We know what it feels like to be judged endlessly; we just don’t want to get judged for our stuff AND your stuff while you get a free pass generated by guilt.

              • What world are you living in where women get shamed for having penis-size preferences? It obviously isn’t the same one I’m in.

                • Why is it ‘coddling’ and ‘snuggling men’s egos’ when it comes to small dicked men yet women have managed to create a virtual industry around coddling and snuggling fat women and guilting men into liking them with terms like BBW? Have you created a SDBM (Small Dicked Beautiful Men) category in order to redefine the definition of male beauty/prowess/desirablility? I don’t know a single woman with big dick preference who states it with anything but absolute pride and entitlement. I’ve yet to hear a male friend speak about in anything above a whisper.

                  I was at a wedding and at the end a group of 10 or so of us, 1/2 guys 1/2 girls were talking. The girls went off on a height thing, the perfect height, the minimum height, the heels thing, how they want to feel like ‘women’ and short men don’t feel like men to them, etc. Half of us were on the shorter side and just listened, one girl turned to me with a sneer and said ‘how do YOU feel about all this huh??’ Can’t imagine the same situation with the men all tlaking about ideal age, how 40 year old women just aren’t ‘women’ to us etc.

                  I said nothing until the train ride back when the very same girl said ‘it isn’t fair that men can date younger women and it is harder for us’

                  Entire incident encapsulated this entire thread.

        • mrcocksizme says:

          I have a 7.7 & taller women can get filled out too. I’ve done this. Though the teller women around 56 & up seeemed to have longer vaginas. Very short women have short vaginas, personally I could getabout half in. Plus I have a fat head so I had to squeeze it in carefully. She always told me I was propbrably too big for her. Then on the other side, I’ve been with a 5.7 girl & she said I was the perfect size. I would often hit the back, but not all the time. But I was longstroking the hell out of her though

    • Also, the % of women under 30 who orgasm from strictly PIV stimulation is much less than 35%. Try 5%

  15. I’m wondering if this girl is faking herself out of pleasure by worrying too much if her boyfriend’s penis is enough for her. Has she tried ignoring this fact and doing it in the dark? Lots of women I know mentioned that it helps avoid getting worked-up over penis length/girth that they’re actually able to enjoy the sex and reach orgasm (in varying ways, of course). More importantly, they also stopped feeling bothered by the guy’s smaller penis since they couldn’t see it in the dark.

    Just saying.

    • I used to believe the hype about size and girth mattering…until I spent an evening with a man who had the smallest member I have ever seen in my life. But wow…let’s just say he is the only man to get me off during intercourse no foreplay and using nothing but that member I will never forget! He was a freaking jack rabbit lol and it was fabulous…I like to be stretched as much as the next girl…but something is to be said about a man who knows how to work with what he was given.
      I think maybe it has something more to do with the rhythym….what he gives and what you need to get there, and how excited you are when you are trying.

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