Steven Axelrod thought that dating after he divorced would be the easy part. After all, woman had been flirting with him for years. It wasn’t until he was single again that he figured out why.
—-
Yes, the real problem with the post divorce life was women. I had thought for years that it would be the easy part—all those unattached beautiful girls flooding the island every summer, looking for fun. I watched them with a bittersweet longing, knowing I was unavailable in a particularly frustrating way. I actually coined a much-needed new word for it back then,: nonogomy.
Every married man knows what nonogomy means: being sexually faithful to a women who’s not having sex with you.
But now I was free. There were women I’d been flirting with literally for years, I had a list. What I didn’t realize was that they only flirted because I was safe, because I was married. It was the wedding ring that protected them, but I’d already gotten rid of mine. Once divorced, I stopped being the charming and unattainable family guy (what adorable kids!) and became something else—the creepy, desperate middle aged stalker guy. Well—they were assuming the worst. I was mostly just shy and lonely, but let’s face it, those qualities do about as much for you as a lip sore or a death’s head tattoo. Mostly they just wanted to be “Platonic” friends. After hearing that line once too often, I finally lost it.
“You have no idea what you’re talking about,” I shouted. “What makes you think that Plato was such a good friend, anyway? Socrates didn’t think so. Beware of guys whose ‘friends’ wind up drinking hemlock in prison! Besides—Plato was a horny little bastard who’d screw anything with a pulse. You think just because his books are boring he never got laid! Wrong again! The guy made out like a bandit.”
She just gaped at me. Women did that a lot lately. Got to hone those social skills. Still, I have to say, I picked up the code pretty quickly. When women weren’t interested, they managed to work their boyfriend into every sentence. Seriously: every sentence, just to be sure you knew the score.
For instance:
Me: It’s a great year for scalloping.
Her: I know! My boyfriend? Tad? He loves scalloping. He lets me go out on the boat sometimes. It’s so incredibly fun!
Or –
Me: Wow, the rain is blowing horizontal out there. Must be a fifty-knot wind.
Her: It’s horrible! My boyfriend says the wind brings out the worst in the other elements. You know—it makes snow into blizzards and stuff. He’s so funny.
Or, finally…as a perverse, fatalistic experiment –
Me: I just inherited ten million dollars.
Her: Really? My boyfriend says money is the root of all evil.
I learned one truth quickly. If you think a woman may be interested in you—she isn’t. If there’s any question, the answer is no. When they really are interested, there’s no room for doubt. They come after you. They pounce.
That’s what Ned’s wife did. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
♦◊♦
It had been a lonely time but a comfortable one. The days were simple and orderly. The ugliness and strife had been removed. Only the framework of my old life remained. It lacked intimacy but that was no change. My nasty little joke—that I was as horny as a fourteen year old boy, and about as likely to get laid—still applied, but with less rancor. I had lost an angry female roommate, not a wife. Before the divorce I fully believed that I would never have sex again.
Now at least there was hope.
I had the kids four nights a week. I worked seven days a week, as I had since before they were born. I helped them with their homework, read them to sleep, tidied the squalor they created, made their breakfasts packed their lunches, arbitrated their bickering as best I could. Then I went to work, reading blue-prints, estimating jobs, writing up bids, cajoling customers, humoring decorators, negotiating with territorial carpenters. And occasionally, on good days, doing something fun like cutting sash or hanging wallpaper.
I had given up paying for cable television, so at night I read or rented a film, or played games with the kids. They were becoming frighteningly adept at Scrabble (Caroline had shocked me recently by putting ‘quartz’ on a triple word score); they loved Monopoly and had grasped instantly the joys of predatory capitalism.
“You’re bankrupt!,” one or the other of them would shout as the game finally ground to a close, while the other one sobbed. The hysteria always dispersed and they were eager to start all over again.
When I was alone I worked on my book and listened to music. I could play whatever I liked now—Brazilian sambas and Jackson Browne, Ellington and Carl Orff—all the music my ex-wife hated. That was one of the many small privileges of my new life. I could do other forbidden things as well—write early in the morning, whistle while I cleaned my house, talk to my friends on the telephone.
But I knew my life was working so well because I didn’t have one. Once I began a full existence the machinery would start to break down. Gossip would fly. The kids would resent any change, anyone new in my life. Lisa might be jealous—that was often the last, irrational residue of love. Until the divorce was final involvements with other women were actually illegal in the state of Massachusetts and could compromise my claim to shared custody.
I had never been a subject for gossip, even in this small town panopticon. The kids were the real scandal-mongers: who had said mean things in gym class, who had fallen from first best friend to third best friend, who was ‘dating’ whom, though how eleven-year-olds managed to date, or what they even thought a date was, eluded me. As far as I could tell, it was just something you talked about. It meant sitting together at lunch or walking home from school slightly apart from the rest of the crowd. I wished it could stay that way. But they were drifting toward the dreaded adolescence, I could feel it. Things got more serious then. They were floating downstream dangling their fingers in the slow moving water; but I could hear the faint rumble in the distance, and it was getting louder all the time.
They were heading for the whitewater section of the trip.
These rapids didn’t picturesque names like Dead Man’s Chute or The Howler. More like, Tommy Buys Drugs From the Sleazy Narc and Caroline’s Pregnant.
For the moment, though, my son Tommy and Ned’s daughter Ingrid were just pals—not even ‘dating’. The cataract was still a few years away. I was grateful for that.
But dealing with Ingrid’s parents was a different story. Ned was sleeping with my ex-wife. His ex-wife Sasha was chasing me. And when she finally snagged me? It turned into a classic small town nightmare.
But I’ll save that for next time.
—
Photo: Amy Jeffries / flickr
Originally published on Open Salon
I just couldn’t leave your web site before suggesting that I actually enjoyed
the standard information a person supply on
your guests? Is gonna be again ceaselessly to check up on new posts
His openness & vulnerability is what makes this “Good Man” worthy. Thanks for sharing, Steven. For me it expands my understanding of the male mind – WHICH, btw, i find completely confusing!
I was the angry roommate. It’s horrible when your marriage deteriorates to that point. And post divorce, I was angry & hurt that my husband let me down. All feelings that I had to sort out and work through as I tried to reestablish myself as a grown-up, raising two little boys, and entering the dating world. Ugh. Still working at it!
And thanks for sharing, Steven.
I enjoyed the reading, and could very much identify in parts of it.
And thanks for the word “nonogamy”! 🙂
Burn the list mate. It was never real – that is why it was fun for the ladies… and okay. Just another social contract you didn’t get at the time. Besides, none of the names on the list would’ve made you happy except for a brief spasm of ‘you-know-what’ – sorry to say.
Time to start fresh! Like real fresh!
Love the series. One thing I’m curious about though – how is it that he’s supposed to stay celibate until the divorce is final while his ex-wife is openly with Ned? Is this just an artifact of the way the pieces are jumping around in time out of sequence?
John, maybe it’s “writer’s freedom”, maybe it’s just that women are less likely to lose custody of the kids for infringement on a law such as this one.
This is brilliant! Unfortunately, it’s also a huge problem for women. Thanks for sharing such a personal perspective.
This is a topic that is near to my heart… Many thanks! Where are your contact details though?
Great post.
Vada, I think you’re missing a lot of the tongue-in-cheek humour of this piece. I’m a woman too and, even though I don’t date divorcees, especially not those who have kids, I found the article quite funny. The dating game is almost no fun at all (I don’t care what anyone says – it just isn’t) so the author’s writing seems to try and frame the frustrastions of good intentions met with undesirable reactions in bit of a self-deprecating way.
‘Nonogamy’ – haha! Oxford Dictionary should include it in next edition.
@Lightenup, even if it wasn’t tongue-in-cheek, I appreciate his vulnerability. God forbid, he be a good man while expressing dissatisfaction and frustration. (_That_ was tongue-in-cheek.) My belief is that “goodness” isn’t in simply promoting the bright and shiny aspects of life, but in facing life with honesty and integrity (aligned with values). Since I don’t have both sides of the story, I’m willing to learn about Steven through his writing, find camaraderie through our shared experiences, and feel compassion for how challenging it is to work seven days and have kids for four of them. Oy, can I relate to… Read more »
And you are on Nantucket? Holy crap, that is one of my favorite places on earth! Next time I am there, I’ll buy you a beer!
Wow Vada, You almost sound like you could be the ex-wife. The point of the story is that we all deserve a little compassion… It’s not surprising that Steven had some anger at this point… I mean he tells you that his relationship with the woman who was supposed to be his best friend and lover had deteriorated into angry roommates– and he honestly admits that he was consumed by some serious sexual frustration that was a part of the nonomagy that existed in this particular hell-version of marriage. And he’s told you already that his ex-wife is sleeping with… Read more »
“I had lost an angry female roommate, not a wife.”
Dude…you nailed it. I really enjoyed this post. ::clapclapclap::
In my case I’d add “deadbeat roommate”
I follow and love your website and a lot of the articles. Why in the world would you think this is part of the conversation on what a good man is? This is a very sleazy, bitter example of a human being. Well he certainly has no business in a relationship with attitudes like that towards women, himself, and ultimately relationships as a whole. He’s not a creepy divorced guy, he’s the guy that offers to buy you a drink then throws a tantrum when you’re not only not involved but not interested with him. He seems like he’s been… Read more »
No- I think he was frustrated and disappointed. Rejection can hurt. Sometimes when people are hurt and dissapointed they aren’t at their best. I’m guessing from your reaction here you probably have never said or done anything less than perfectly in your life. The rest of us however, both men and women, sometimes fall a little short.
You know the last two sentences you wrote are a straw man argument. Vada is totally right. Even if imperfection is okay (it is, everyone is), this isn’t a good example of a “good man.” I wish this article were about this guy questioning his own behavior instead of questioning the behavior of anyone else. Women don’t ever owe anyone attraction, and he sounds like just one more guy who is bitter about it.
This is a man, just a man, neither good nor bad, learning the ropes of modern dating. We have plenty of walls and taboos to break down, and many of us behave so poorly at first, hiding our intentions (friendship, intimacy) behind the social roles we’ve been told to play for years. In addition, this guy is getting out of a horrible relationship. His view of women, and his treatment of them, is no different from the hate and anger I see on feminist forums from women who have just exited poor relationships. Before you judge, try to understand, try… Read more »
I never said anyone owed anyone attraction. I just said I can understand when someone is hurt by rejection. I have had a woman be angry with me when I didn’t want to sleep with her. She took a risk by propositioning me and her feelings were hurt by the rejection. She’s a perfectly fine person.
If perfection is necessary for someone to be a Good Man then there has only been one ever in existence and non-Christians and Athiests would deny that.
Vada – the whole point of this article is precisely about the writer’s efforts to “get a grip”, after what sounds like a very unpleasant experience, which would destabilise even the most well-balanced person. The reason that this is about being a “good man” is because he’s recognising that his behaviour has been inappropriate and he’s openly declaring that. And on a related note, your saying that his interlocuteur “values him as a person” by wanting to be “platonic” is quite an unrealistic leap of assumption to make. As far as I can tell from many of the articles here,… Read more »
After hearing that line once too often, I finally lost it. “You have no idea what you’re talking about,” I shouted. “What makes you think that Plato was such a good friend, anyway? Socrates didn’t think so. Beware of guys whose ‘friends’ wind up drinking hemlock in prison! Besides—Plato was a horny little bastard who’d screw anything with a pulse. You think just because his books are boring he never got laid! Wrong again! The guy made out like a bandit.” lololol, your outburst made me laugh hard man. and ohmylife lol, ned’s wife hunted you. damn, certainly is one… Read more »
Hilarious! Can’t wait to hear more!
Well-written, and very engaging! Keep it coming.
Wow, Steven, this was a pretty revealing post. I’ve never read anything from this site before though I’d heard of it. I have to admit that I’m surprised to hear a man express some of the exact feelings I’ve gone through as a woman post-divorce. I’ve obviously chatted a lot with my girlfriends about these things, but the ‘chatter’ about how men are doing PD is not one I’ve had…with an actual man (so the ideas I have are all just generalization.) I’m feeling a lot more empathy (as opposed to frustration.) I am going to keep listening this conversation.