After a five year field study, MBCowan returns to say he know how pedophiles think, what they do, and how to stop them.
I want to thank my readers for their honest feedback in correctly pointing out a series of flaws and misleading information. My original attempt to summarize certain traits with a broad brush inadvertently painted innocent bystanders! I was careless. This is my revision.
The information that I want to share was gathered in a five-year “field study” in which I lived with, worked with, socialized and shared daily therapy with hundred of sex-offenders. This information is not born of debate or ivory tower theories, but from experience, including my own journey, which I published in book form, with the blessings of those men who shared.
The basis of this disorder is trauma; the nature of it is insidious, widespread, dangerous and often subtle. A combination of behaviors in certain settings, in context, can provide a signal, a warning – a discordant note – possibly saving the innocence of a child without destroying all innocent bystanders. These are the common themes, and certainly not all offenders fit them.
Offenders often appear normal and blend into mainstream society. My intent is to shine a light on these individuals while at the same time not casting dispersion on innocent people. This is a start in prevention.
As Dr Jekyll turns into Mr. Hyde, the offender flips through his own cycle of childhood in dissociative reliving of the trauma. In this state of posttraumatic stress disorder – pedophilia – the afflicted may be unaware of what he is doing. Traumatized, the behaviors are a veneer, a dishonest mask under which lay the motive of abusing. This does not remove the responsibility of his actions.
Authors Note: Statistics show us that the majority of child sexual offenders are men, and victims are girls. I challenge that. Increasing numbers of both men and women are reporting abuse by females and males. Women abusers are under-reported. Since I lack any direct experience or interaction with adult female offenders, my discussion here is entirely on the male offender. I invite contributions from everyone on how their abuser behaved so we can learn from one another.
Major Signs of Pedophiles
The target of any child sexual offender is of course children, to which the abuser must have access. It is important to note that most molestation goes on in secret, which requires that the offender isolate their victim. Before the act of molesting, the offender goes through a pattern called “grooming.”
The grooming process is an attempt to gain a child’s trust and obligation through undue attention and affection, excessive and inappropriate gifts, special favors and inappropriate privileges and money.
One of the men I met while incarcerated was Mr. Sumners. He had no adult friends or adult interests. His “little friends” were around nine to eleven-years old. Sumners rented trailers in various low-income neighborhoods where he preyed upon lonely children, luring them into his trailer for a soda to discover the newest video games and all kinds of neat pre-pubescent toys.
His need to spend all his time with children and his lack of social skills found him sparsely employed at menial tasks. Mothers of the children often told him he was a big kid himself. Gaining the mom’s confidence, his home became a playground where he entertained the neighborhood children, mostly boys, handing them porn, cigarettes and beer, while abusing them. If they told on him, he threatened he would tell on them.
The presence of a healthy adult in Sumner’s home when children were there may have prevented this. Most adults do not refer to children as “little friends” and have at least a few age-appropriate interests and friends.
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Too busy for his third wife and family, Carl spent his workday with children, and then came home at night only to leave again to volunteer at one teen event or another. Phone calls came in from teens in need and Carl ran off claiming he had a special gift with children and was the only one who could help them. On certain weekends he would take his teen daughter camping, buying her expensive equipment and clothes, letting her drive his car, just the two of them, for bonding. He was later arrested and sent to prison for rape.
One or two other healthy adults and maybe several other children accompanying Carl on his ventures may have prevented the rape, especially separating the children from the adults while sleeping. [Author note: When Carl’s second wife insisted he invest in the family and become emotionally available, he immediately divorced, admitting he had no interest in her.]
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Home is where the majority of sexual abuse takes place. Teddy isolated his wife by having no phone in their home and telling her she did not need a driver’s license as he drove her to and from work. Teddy, age 36, was chronically unemployed, at the beck and call of his mother, friendless and terribly needy. Tiffany, his wife, was his first date and only girlfriend, a hard working mom with a 2-year old daughter. Tiffany arrived home unexpectedly to find Teddy abusing her child.
Teddy marched himself off to therapy assuring Tiffany he would get help. He told the therapist he had a fleeting urge to touch his stepdaughter but did not touch her. The therapist invited him to return which he did not. Teddy then told Tiffany he was in therapy and all was ok. Tiffany caught him again and that was the end of it.
Not all unemployed men with mother issues molest children. Add isolation, friendless, excessively needy and a sense of “wrong” which brought Tiffany home early to the ingredients. Once caught, the abuser must leave the home immediately and the police called. The number of men I met who “went to therapy,” admitted it was a ruse to appease their spouse. The spouse attending therapy sessions with the abuser to assure the truth comes out assures accountability.
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Many highly educated, bright and successful men shared their stories. From engineers to ministers, a rabbi, all races and beliefs, no one is exempt from trauma. Within their home they exemplify good husbands, albeit emotionally unavailable, who sexualized their children with untoward comments and gestures, showing them porn, treating them as a spouse and a variety of behaviors, that in context, rendered a discordant note.
Families that meet together and who talk freely, share their emotions, discuss any weird feelings they may be having, or threats, and saying what’s on their mind, are less likely to fall victim to abuse. This is an opportunity to discuss good touches verses bad touches as well as boundaries. If a child states that someone did so and so, or if your child comes to you and tells you someone touched him/her, believe them you are her only hope.
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Due to the complexities of the human mind, there is nothing I can write that would be 100% foolproof. This article is a guide to aid you in your understanding of how abuse can occur right in front of you. I offer some suggestions as preventative measures.
Trust your instinct and honor that still small voice that tells you something is just not right. Keep alert and if you see or hear something that makes you queasy or wonder, honor that feeling. Children often tell us when something is not right. By asking and listening to what the child has to say, you may just be saving your child from that monster in the closet.
Remember, you are the first line of defense. Talk with your children and help them feel comfortable so they know the lines of communication are open. Be vigilant and aware of any changes in your child’s behavior. If you notice that your child suddenly takes a dislike to someone or refuses to go somewhere with a particular person, there may be a good reason. Ask them what is going on and respect your child’s feelings and answers. Most importantly, LISTEN to what your child is telling you and never dismiss their feelings as fantasy or just another child being a child. Together you and your child become a team and together you help keep them safe and happy. Your child does not need to be a victim of this kind of crime. I have more to say on this subject and go into much greater depth in my book.
Caveat: not every person who likes children interacts in healthy ways and enjoys their company is an offender! Consider these red flags carefully and in the context along with everything else. Do not make assumptions or jump to conclusions!
Photo credit: Pink Sherbet Photography & MCBCowan
About MBCowan
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is Paedophilia? Who do you think you are? You’ve made that up and maligned every shell shocked veteran of every conflict the world has ever seen. And this is the sensitive version? Such an opinion has NO basis in researched medicine, psychology or trauma studies and is grossly offensive to survivors of not only childhood sexual abuse but also any significant trauma.
The research tells us that paedophiles will use any justification to minimise, mitigate and mask their offences, “I was a victim too” is simply another. In fact, where abuse can be corroborated, it is found that men sexually abused as boys are not even the category most likely to become paedophilic. What class of abuse actually has the strongest correlation to paedophilia? You don’t even know that do you. You don’t know much. You don’t appear to have read even the most basic of studies.
What you have here is the stigmatisation and condemnation of whole groups of people once again based on nothing more than anecdote. Collaborative anecdote is still anecdote! If you have learned even the first thing about paedophiles it is that whatever “sign” another thinks a paedophile displays is going to be exactly what the child sex offender will work stupendously hard to conceal. A lifelong habit of concealing and an ever present risk of loosing ones family, job, home, and liberty certainly raises the bar to getting the façade right. Do you expect us to believe such dedication is as nothing compared to your amazing perceptive skills during casual, unscientific observations?
What you are doing is using the cognitive distortion of allowing yourself to believe there are ways to identify a predator, in order to compensate for the cognitive dissidence of not feeling able to be safe because you can’t tell who to trust.
For goodness sakes, get out of the debate and leave it to real studies. By touting a system, ANY system, you put hundreds of children at risk. But hey, makes you feel better doesn’t it.
You’re not over it. Go to therapy.
That struck me as very out of place, too, also this: “Add isolation, friendless, excessively needy and a sense of “wrong” which brought Tiffany home early to the ingredients.” her feeling something is wrong and coming home early was a factor ?
Sarah, post traumatic stress disorder is experienced by those who suffer trauma. One form of trauma is sex abuse. Other forms of trauma occur by witnessing domestic violence, or being part of domestic violence. Soldiers often come home with posttraumatic stress disorder.
sexual predators – called pedophiles – who have suffered trauma of sex abuse as children and untreated, carry it with them into adulthood to perpetrate. Pedophilia falls under the category of PTSD, not PTSD falling under pedophilia.
You may read some of the works on this by Alice Miller, Patrick Carnes and Claudia Black.
Being a victim of abuse is not an excuse, as I stated, the abuser is accountable. If you have information to share, please do so, especially about female offenders.
Thank you for sharing,
mbCowan
There is nothing new in this article. This is all common knowledge.
And you can’t stop a pedophile, you can only avoid them (hopefully).
I have a question, slightly off topic, though dealing with non-sex-offending pedophiles.
So there have been like… 2 different people, I believe, who have written in to Dan Savage confessing they have pedophilic (pedophiliac?) desires but don’t want to hurt anyone and so they have been suppressing them and they don’t know what to do. I feel these writers should be commended: you can’t always control what you are attracted to, but you can control what you do about it, and they are trying to be responsible with a very difficult and socially shamed issue.
So… what do these people do? I think we tend to forget that there are non-sex-offender pedophiles, and there are some like these writers who are good people that society should help. It just seems very sad to me. :/
Artemis, The disorder begins with urges, impulses and desires. Early treatment has been effective in treating this before it becomes behavior. The first stages are fantasies which often build until the person acts on it and abuses a child. These cries for help are admirable and brave in a social environment that casts such rage at the mention of this topic.
What I am finding is the more effective treatments in this are behavioral and cognitive, combined with techniques using eye movements and tapping.
I agree, any person who cries for help deserves respect and proper treatment and community support. We could all use a helping hand, Artemis, especially in these difficult times and people tend to heal faster with kindness!
thank you for bringing this up,
mbcowan
Another question: Have you ever met or dealt with any pedophiles who weren’t themselves victimized?
I’m sure the pedophilia as a form of PTSD from suffering at the hands of a pedophile has significant merit, but that requires the presence of one or more “seed” pedophiles, doesn’t it?
Also, do you worry about the idea of treating someone to change a paraphilia or what some might even consider an orientation (although a horribly, horribly wrong one) being used to prove that we can just “cure” people of other paraphilias and orientations (read: encouraging the “homosexuality as a treatable disease” model)?
I’d like to repeat the “So…what do these people do?” question for the cases of those who weren’t sexually abused themselves. That’s exactly the kind of question that you want people with that problem to have an answer to, since it’s not something they can be open about and it might help keep them from committing abuse themselves.
EndlessWinter, First, to answer your question as to knowing anyone who has abused a child who themselves have not been abused, no, I do not know anyone who has not been abused themselves. I asked a colleague of mine about those who abuse children and have not been abused. He believed those individuals would come under sociopathy. He is a leader in the field of sex abuse and works exclusively with offenders. Children suffer from sex abuse and an adult who forces themselves on a child is unconcerned about the child and interested in self-gratification.
I have been asked about seeing pedophilia as a preference like homosexuality in an effort to somehow normalize it. Personally, I find that insulting to gay people as they are adults able to consent and make choices and no comparison can be made.
Preventing sex abuse by trauma victims or sociopaths or those who are somewhere in-between is not easy and certainly not always possible. Some of the men shared stories with me that were unbelievably careless and stupid acts on the part of the child’s parents. One case a man was drunk, stoned and in a bar at closing time. His girlfriend took off with another guy and he had no place to go and no ride. This couple who vaguely knew him felt bad for him and took him home where their 14-year-old daughter lived. At 3 AM she was up shooting pool so he watched her and the parents went to bed! He raped her and beat her.
People just do not think! Don’t bring dunks home when you have a child in the house. If you feel a need, take the drunk to a motel. Do not expose your child to anyone who is not in their right mind or drunk or otherwise a nut. You would be amazed at how many kids are abused because of this. That was a crime of opportunity. The man is also a sociopath and very angry. He is also a victim of abuse.
I hope I provided some useful tidbits here!
Thank you for adding to this!
mbcowan
“EndlessWinter, First, to answer your question as to knowing anyone who has abused a child who themselves have not been abused, no, I do not know anyone who has not been abused themselves.”
If there is anything you’d like to know feel free to ask. I am only one person, but I have experiences you haven’t encountered. Now that I’ve found this thread I will be checking back to answer any questions.
” He believed those individuals would come under sociopathy. He is a leader in the field of sex abuse and works exclusively with offenders.”
He works with people who all share similar traits (such as being in jail). I wonder whether they are sociopaths because they are Pedophiles, or because they share other linked traits.
“I have been asked about seeing pedophilia as a preference like homosexuality in an effort to somehow normalize it. Personally, I find that insulting to gay people as they are adults able to consent and make choices and no comparison can be made.”
Really? I find the effort to normalize homosexuality, to be seen as a sexual orientation, insulting to heterosexuals as they are one *man* and one *woman* and no comparison can be made. (/illustrative sarcasm)
I won’t pretend that there aren’t differences, but who gives you (not specific) the right to draw the line? I’m a Pedophile. I was born with my sexual orientation.
I need to make this clear. When you say abused a child, I interpreted that as ‘Pedophile’ since you didn’t make a distiction anywhere. I have never abused child and am here to answer questions as a Pedophile whose upbringing is inconsistent with your model.
I also fear people being branded according to some kind of simplistic “duck test.” (If it looks like a duck and sounds like a duck, it’s a duck.) According to the article, the following things can be taken as warning signs of a child sexual abuser:
1. Being like a big kid yourself.
2. Spending time with or supervising kids.
3. Lack of social skills. (Geeks, nerds, and introverts, he’s talking about us!)
4. Taking menial jobs.
5. Good at entertaining children.
6. Being trusted by parents.
7. Otherwise blends into mainstream society.
Know any people who have more than one of these traits? Are they all out to molest children? I know a woman who picked up a little extra cash by being a clown for kids’ birthday parties. Now I have to suspect her….
Number 7 points up the tension that often shows up when people are looking for the bogeyman in their midst. It’s a tough tightrope to walk. On the one hand, we’re supposed to see pedophiles as inhuman monsters who are not really like other people. They don’t deserve the same rights, because they’re inherently dangerous and inherently different, so we need to label them clearly. On the other hand, they could look and act like you and me, and they really could be anybody. The people we most trust are the people we should least trust. So, they’re monsters but they totally blend in. They are not like us but are just like us. We can spot them but they are very well camouflaged. It’s “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” all over again.
wellokay then, thank you for bringing up an important point – the outright need to make an ill individual into a monster. People forget that the individual performing an atrocity to a child – and it is an atrocity – is sick and yes, dangerous. But sick! He or she is someone’s mom or dad, husband or wife, brother or sister, uncle, cousin, aunt or trusted person of the family. This does not in any way soften the blow to the child, but it makes it somehow understandable and humanizes it. The disorder of pedophilia is trauma based and correctly goes under Trauma. The boogeyman is more than likely dad, or mom, or step-dad or grandma, maybe a coach or boy scout leader, or clergy. These are human beings who suffer a horrific disorder that I call sexually abused child syndrome. It is treatable and the goal here is to prevent it from happening by catching it before the individual acts out.
Remember, the signs must be taken in context, in the entire picture, and your example of a woman being a clown is good, as this would not be in context with her life but one aspect of her life. This is a difficult topic and not a witch hunt. There are no hard and fast rules, but indicators and awareness raising in efforts to prevent children from being harmed. Thanks for commenting.
mbcowan
Exactly, which is why I think your red flags serve no helpful purpose. The boogeymen don’t stand out, because so much of the behavior you describe is shared by non-offending people, as wellokaythen illustrates. If she’d told of a her friend the clown who *had* abused kids, you’d say, “See – that’s what I’m talking about. Clowning at kids parties is a perfect way for a pedophile to meet and groom kids to abuse. Red flag!” But it’s not a red flag until *after* you find out they were abusing.
I sure want to believe it’s treatable and preventable, but to the extent it is, I believe that has to start with people who recognize the urge in themselves being able to seek out *and receive* help. If you take the approach that it’s possible to profile would-be abusers based on things like how much time they spend around kids, what video games they play, if they’re awkward around adults, etc., and somehow “catch” them before they’ve done anything, then that’s a witch hunt.
I know you keep adding the caveat of “take this all in context”, but I can’t conceive of any context in which your red flags work as an early detection/avoidance system. If someone fits the profile you’ve given and doesn’t abuse, then “context” is just the excuse that means, “Oh no, of course I don’t mean them”. If someone abuses without fitting the profile, then hey, it’s not a perfect system, so we always have to be on the lookout to refine the profile. When someone fits the profile and offends, then aha! The profile works!
I suspect a combination of confirmation bias and subjective validation are at work here. That is, you seem to give great weight to the examples that support your hypothesis while discounting or ignoring counter-examples, while also seeing certain behaviors as connected because it’s *important* to you to see them as connected.
I think some of your advice has merit, like taking children seriously if they report abuse (though I wouldn’t confuse that with “believe everything they say”), and avoiding high-risk situations like bringing a drunk home and leaving them alone with your kid, but neither of those have anything to do with spotting a sex offender before they offend based on red flags. Was the stoned/drunk guy a loner who went to the bar to groom kids with attention and video games while avoiding adults? No. He didn’t fit your profile. And yet, I agree it was irresponsible of the parents to bring a stoned/drunk guy home and leave him alone at 3am with their teenage daughter – not because they should have expected rape or abuse to happen, but because it’s irresponsible to have your kids being up that late, hanging out with someone you “kinda know” who’s stoned and drunk, without you present. Lots could go wrong in that scenario, not just rape.
I do not fault your good intentions, or doubt the pain that you’ve personally experienced or witnessed in others. I do think that as a system of “spotting” or stopping sex offenders, your suggestions on how to recognize the profile when you see it fails the critical thinking test.
Marcus, Ten-years ago we would not have seen this dialogue and open discussion. Thankfully, we see this now. I do appreciate and understand your comments. I am not attempting to circumvent you. I respect what you said. Rather than repeat myself , I stand by what I have said and published and reiterate – in context.
One comment you made says it all, “I believe that has to start with people who recognize the urge in themselves being able to seek out *and receive* help” YES. They must be encouraged and supported BEFORE they act.
To that end I am urging a change in the term and diagnosis of Pedophile under the classification of Posttraumatic stress disorder, subset sexually abused child syndrome: not acting; acting. Accompanied by obsessive-compulsive disorder, dissociative disorder may be present. History of abuse.
The stigma of pedophilia is so charged that few wish to seek professional help and remain in the shadows, festering until they act on their impulses. Removing the stigma and encouraging those who have urges to seek help and a public campaign supporting treatment, acknowledging the syndrome, may go a long way.
Thank you again for taking time to share,
mbcowan
Casting dispersion? *facepalm* How about “casting aspersions” instead.
Another wonderful article and your research is consistent with academic journals who research extensively into this area. Interesting, in certain countries the definition of Pedophilia extends to those who are role playing as a child. Would be great to define the terms in various laws and different countries. Some of our viewers may be surprised and yes …. even viewing teenagers in that form can be classified as a crime. Breaking the silence especially in the grooming phase is so crucial. Unfortunately, it’s not a very nice topic to discuss however, it is necessary in order to call the behaviour for what it is and contribute to the minimizing of such toxic and damaging behaviour. And to all the mothers who are helping their child get through such trauma, as is what I am representing, our hearts are with you, and pray that the bond between yourself and your child be re-established.
Congratulations on your genuine efforts to bring awareness to society on the behaviours of pedophiles. I accept that most pedophiles suffer from PTSD due to childhood trauma but there are elements of nurture and nature in some of these people. Cause and effect plays a large part but does not excuse them from their own behaviour. In light of your findings would you agree that therefore all those involved in the Caring Professions are traumatized to the point of paralysis or distorted thinking due to the ongoing data that they are exposed to. I believe this to be the case in Ireland because I have waited 33 years, lost custody of my children, my home, my reputation, received a criminal sentence and fine, exposed my Father, children’s father, States men and others of covering up pedophilia of an extreme nature and still nobody listens. Professional psychologists and schools inculcated the Stay safe Sex Education programme to my children at a very early age and it was determined that we were brainwashing the children. The Police are in fear of demotion or transfer and possible death. Are you intending to travel to this pit in the near future? I will gladly be of assistance in your research.
Mrs. O’Toole, There is no excuse for abuse. The choice to act is the responsibility of the individual who has early indicators of the disorder. When I reached out for help I found a hospital in Arizona to the tune of a thousand dollars a day. There was another hospital in Louisiana (same daily fee) and a residential treatment center in Philadelphia. That was 14 years ago. Outpatient therapy on a once a week basis for fifty-minutes is insufficient for most. Overcoming denial and restoring sanity takes some doing, and daily treatment within a group setting in a confined environment works well. Five to six years is about the time necessary to recover and then attending aftercare. Many therapists take on more than they can handle in outpatient care, and even in confinement, it is very difficult which is why the group is necessary.
As to a cover-up, well, the headlines tell it all. My take on cover-ups is a post traumatic stress response on the part on institutions to replicate the same denial and cover-ups that went on in the home. And why not? The individuals in those systems are repeating the behavior of “We must not disgrace the family” “We must not shame your father or mother” “We must not shame the Bishop or Coach” which translates to if we tell we will be punished. And that translates to – children are throw-aways, less important than the undeserved dignity of the abuser.
When Freud announced his findings before a group of his colleagues, that his patients trauma were based on childhood sexual abuse, he lost his hospital privileges, was shunned and scorned. How dare he even think that upper middle class people would molest their own children? There was such an uproar that Freud arrived at a new theory and placed the blame on the child for having an Oedipal Complex. The uproar was caused by exposure. In fact, upper middle class professionals were molesting their children, one child being the son of a fellow physician.
Although I have no plans or funds, I would love to visit Ireland. If you have any information on how female offenders operate, please share!
Thanks for your comments,
mbcowan
I’ve tried typing this several different way, but I just can’t get it to come out nicely…so instead I’ll be blunt.
1) Again, Pedophile and offender are *NOT* the same thing. They do not mean the same thing. Do not use them interchangeably. It is very offensive.
2) You sound like you are saying all Pedophiles are born out of trauma. I won’t invalidate your experiences, but you write like you are invalidating mine. I’m a Pedophile, but I have gone through no trauma. I was born this way and I do not need to be ‘cured’ of it. I do not ‘suffer’ from any kind of abuse syndrome, and I am certainly not some kind of offender in waiting.
You seem to have lots of knowledge in your specific area (traumatic experiences bringing about effects to sexuality) but you are WAY over generalizing your experiences as if they cover the entirety of Pedophilia.
Archer, Not all pedophiles offend, you are correct. The research shows that the beginning stages are fantasy and urges, or engaging in child pornography, which lead up to acting out at a child. I appreciate your comments and admire your courage in coming forward. I also respect your not acting on your desires. I ask you, not as a challenge nor malice, how do you cope knowing that you can never fulfill your desire? Will you ever be able to marry an adult, or have an adult relationship, or must you remain alone the remainder of your life? How do you meet those needs? I imagine it to be a terribly lonely life.
“I appreciate your comments and admire your courage in coming forward. I also respect your not acting on your desires.”
Thank you. I’m sorry if I lash out. Far too often I go searching for more information about Pedophilia only to find an unending supply of “they all just need to die” commentaries. I guess I can’t really expect to find a wealth of information, but I think I’ve become a bit jaded.
“I ask you, not as a challenge nor malice, how do you cope knowing that you can never fulfill your desire?”
The days when the full weight of that realization hits me, I typically go about my routine as an emotionless shell behind a smile. Those days are hard, but thankfully they’re also rare. When I get time to think about my situation, I ultimately come to the conclusion that I’m doing what is best for the child. If I can’t be absolutely sure that harm won’t come to them (which considering the society I live in, I cannot), I can’t risk hurting them in any way.
One of my bitter-sweet blessings is that I was born with a very powerful conscience, especially directed towards children (I cannot watch the Hunger Games trailer without becoming nauseous). Any sort of violence or harm against a child makes me feel very uncomfortable. That is why I feel secure at a job where it is a daily routine to work with children, because I know I will never act on any desires. (It certainly helps that I was also blessed with a very weak/low libido.)
“Will you ever be able to marry an adult, or have an adult relationship, or must you remain alone the remainder of your life?”
I have no desire what so ever to marry an adult. I am not too fond of the idea of marriage itself, but I can’t say I feel left out in that aspect. I often think it would be nice to have friends, but ultimately it isn’t something that I value in my life currently. I think this issue is magnified by my living arrangements (void of nearby opportunities for friends) and personality (very much introverted).
“How do you meet those needs? I imagine it to be a terribly lonely life.”
To put it plainly, I don’t meet them. I write romance novels (for my eyes only), watch Japanese anime (a god send), and fantasize but I have accepted that in my life, romantic love and sex just won’t happen. It gets lonely at times, but I try to keep an insanely open mind about the future for a sort of light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel view. (Androids? Holographic Technology?)
Archer, With all due respect, it is confusing/confounding to me that you
claim to be a pedophile who does not want to harm children at the same time that you also work with them. The guideline for pedophiles is to stay away from them; and most pedophiles who do not want to hurt them don’t want to go near them for fear they will hurt them. Also, there is the energy involved: the issue of feeding off their energy, which is an emotional and spiritual type of violation. It might help you to consider this as you review your identity.
“Archer, With all due respect, it is confusing/confounding to me that you
claim to be a pedophile who does not want to harm children at the same time that you also work with them. The guideline for pedophiles is to stay away from them; and most pedophiles who do not want to hurt them don’t want to go near them for fear they will hurt them.”
I understand where you are coming from, but don’t agree with the assertion that working with children will decidedly lead to harming children. I don’t know how else to respond other than saying that I don’t see controlling myself as being an issue. I don’t harm children, and I view acting out on desires towards them as harmful. Period.
Perhaps it is hard to believe me, which is understandable, but I take my job very seriously. To be honest, it isn’t one that I went out looking for. A friend who already worked for the company gave me a heads up (and eventually a good word) and let me know they were hiring. My choices were either keep looking for a job elsewhere (which I had been doing for almost four months at that point) or take the job right in front of me. It has been one of the best things that has happened to me. I’ve been in situations that I might have just assumed would be hard for me to handle, when in reality my motives never faltered.
I love my job and I do understand the seriousness of the damage that can be done to a child. You might find it naive, but know I will not do that to a child.
“Also, there is the energy involved: the issue of feeding off their energy, which is an emotional and spiritual type of violation.”
Could you elaborate this point as I don’t understand what you’re saying here.
The term “pedophilia” is terribly misleading; it originally meant Child-lover. The DSM !V defines it as basically sexual attraction towards a child over so many months, and/or acting out sexually with a child. So a pedophile can be acting out or not acting out. Pedophilia is under the term Paraphilia, another misleading category for those of us who came to it under trauma. This all needs to be re-defined.
The term “feeding” is used to describe a person gaining arousal through various means. A person can “feed” her sexual desires (or “get-off”, become aroused) by being near children, by interacting with children, by gaining children’s approval and affection, by any number of ways, and in so doing, the person who is feeding is using the child for her own sexual and emotional gains. In so doing, she is also giving sexual messages and energy to the child, consciously or not, The contact and arousal are usually then taken to fantasy levels and masturbated to. This is seen as exploitation of children as the contact is not innocent and the energy is seriously tainted.
Adults feel this energy, particularly women, who pick up the scent of the adult male in heat quite easily. If I were to work with a group of attractive females, they would soon pick up on my longing for a female companion, a mate, a spouse. I would be unable to hide it.
Children, being even more sensitive, may not be able to define it, but they feel it, and from an adult to a child, it is inappropriate and harmful energy. Regardless of your intent to not harm them, the energy is harmful and us using them, exploiting them.
That is what I meant in my earlier statement and hope my lengthy reply is clear.
-mbcowan
“This all needs to be re-defined.”
I couldn’t agree more.
“That is what I meant in my earlier statement and hope my lengthy reply is clear.”
Yes, it clears up a lot if things. Do you happen to know of studies where this phenomenon has been looked at? It is an interesting idea, but I’m skeptical of how it plays out.
“The term “feeding” is used to describe a person gaining arousal through various means. A person can “feed” her sexual desires (or “get-off”, become aroused) by being near children, by interacting with children, by gaining children’s approval and affection, by any number of ways, and in so doing, the person who is feeding is using the child for her own sexual and emotional gains.”
I’m trying to think of situations that would help me understand the bounds of this idea. Certainly point out anything I am incorrectly interpreting.
> I pay the neighbor boy (non-existent by the way) to wash my car with me. It is summer and we might as well be in bathing suits.
•This is an obvious example of exploitation. I understand how doing this is a clear violation of that child. I have never, and will never do anything like this.
What stands out to me is there is clear intent in my example but it sounds like you’ve suggested that it doesn’t have to be intentional.
> I am working at a school when most areas have been locked. A boy approaches me and tells me that he needs to get to his locker because he forgot his homework/book/etc. I calmly (usually they’re nervous about coming back to the school after hours) reassure him that I have the keys and can get him to his locker. After I get him there and back I wish him a good night and send him on his way. I get satisfaction (note: not arousal) out of helping everyone, but I know it is much more satisfying to have helped this boy than, say, one of his parents.
•This is a situation I am in often. There is no intention towards working for a gain behind my actions and the gain I do receive is emotional, not sexual. Does this qualify as “feeding”?
“In so doing, she is also giving sexual messages and energy to the child, consciously or not…”
I get the messages part. I watch the signals (in all aspects, not just the sexual) my behaviors are sending very closely. I’m less sure what you mean by energy though. I know that if I am very upbeat energetic person, those around me might get more energetic because of my “energy” so to speak. Is this what you mean? If so, it is hard for me to see how that translates to the sexual.
“…The contact and arousal are usually then taken to fantasy levels and masturbated to.”
Are you saying that fantasizing is also bad, or that continuing it as a fantasy is a marker of the phenomenon?
“Adults feel this energy, particularly women, who pick up the scent of the adult male in heat quite easily. If I were to work with a group of attractive females, they would soon pick up on my longing for a female companion, a mate, a spouse. I would be unable to hide it.”
To be honest, this is the part where I disagreed. How is scent related when we have things like cologne? When is a man “in heat”? I’d like more information, particularly studies, to both understand this and take action to minimize the influence.
I’d also like to say thank you for talking with me. Obviously its not often I can discuss this subject.
By focusing on the distinction between the two types of behaviours, we are missing the real issue in that a child is being exploited whether it be through indirect and direct means. If a person is a witness to a crime, is it not their duty as a safe and moral citizen to report this crime? What is happening through such viewing is that they are supporting criminal activity and therefore, Archer, I would be interested to hear your perception and thought process as to whether you think it is a crime as I disagree with the notion that such behaviour is of natural causes i.e. “born this way”?
“By focusing on the distinction between the two types of behaviours, we are missing the real issue in that a child is being exploited whether it be through indirect and direct means.”
Could you be more specific, as I’m not sure what you mean. What are the two types of behaviors? We’ve made a distinction between offenders and Pedophiles with the distinction being that one is a behavior (or action) and the other is an attraction, not a behavior (respectively).
“If a person is a witness to a crime, is it not their duty as a safe and moral citizen to report this crime?”
As an effort to keep this discussion away from what should and should not be legal, my answer is yes.
“What is happening through such viewing is that they are supporting criminal activity and therefore, Archer, I would be interested to hear your perception and thought process as to whether you think it is a crime as I disagree with the notion that such behaviour is of natural causes i.e. “born this way”?”
I need your clarification because I don’t understand what you are saying. It almost sounds like you are talking about child pornography, but fantasies and fictional characters don’t fit that description.
Is it a crime to act out on Pedophiliac desires? Yes. Are you asking if I personally agree with that?
I don’t know how to defend the idea that one can be born a Pedophile. Though not much, I believe there is some research showing that Pedophilia shows the same signs as a sexual orientation (such as extreme difficulty in ‘curing’ it). I personally know this fact because I have always been one. I realized I was a Pedophile in 7th grade (though at the time I misidentified it as homosexuality) and I have not been mistreated in my life. If I asked “Why am I strait? I have never encountered a situation that made me question my sexuality.” I’m sure I’d be met with “You were just born that way.”