Emotional intelligence Coach Aleasa Word gives tips on increasing kids’ resilience.
–
When I was a kid, I used to watch everything from cartoons to action packed television shows about superheroes. If it wasn’t Spiderman or Batman, it would be Wonder Woman, the 6 Million Dollar Man, the Bionic Woman and Charlie’s Angels that captivated my attention. All of these characters were on a mission to save the world from evil. The job they had was not always easy but they would bounce back after every defeat and keep on fighting towards their goal. They simply never gave up and if they even thought about it for a second, there was a secondary character who would appear to convince them….YOU CAN’T STOP NOW!”
Real life of course is a lot different than television. Many of the plots in the shows mentioned were certainly over inflated, yet the moral of THIS story is still there. The characters never gave up. That was their job to keep going and despite the challenges they faced they kept going and we saw them come back week after week often learning lessons about what they battled before. Isn’t that in a way how real life should really be? Shouldn’t we have someone in our corner saying “you can’t stop now” to keep us going? Shouldn’t we be able to learn from the challenges we’ve overcome in our past to give us fuel and a foundation to deal with the new ones we face regularly?
A lot of people have a tough time bouncing back from things that impact us emotionally, physically and financially in life. Though there are certain things we simply cannot change, the one thing we can change is our perception. I’ve found that often in adults that can be a tough thing to do because they weren’t taught about emotional flexibility as children. Rigidity in emotion keeps us stuck in our ways and stressed out! I often think if we worked on these skills earlier in people’s lives their ability to adapt to change and be resilient in the face of adversity would increase. We will always have both good stress (eustress) and bad stress (distress), but our ability to manage it in a way that helps us in the long run certainly contains the need for resilience.
To help build resilience in kids I offer the following tips and hope they will help your child grow this superpower that they will need throughout life:
- Disappointments matter – Don’t be afraid to let kids see the downside of things sometimes. We can shelter them so much that they don’t get the opportunity to overcome the ability to deal with “not winning” while under our guidance in a safe space where we can still be their safety net.
- Love changes – I often find when relationships end parents don’t discuss the ending of them with their kids. Though they don’t need to know all the details of your relationship breakup or divorce, they benefit greatly from seeing you survive knowing that even though you’re moving through that space with a tinge of sadness you are a survivor.
- Not everyone gets a ribbon – Many think that giving all kids a ribbon or trophy in sports or events is a way to save them from feeling devastated emotionally. Though this is good in intent, I’ve definitely seen many younger workers feel that somehow this same school of thought should take place in the workplace. That is simply not a reality that happens past kiddie sports. Teaching kids that they are enough and they still matter and they will survive if they don’t get the ribbon is a skill that will take them far in life.
- Feelings matter – When many of us are disappointed we don’t show it. There’s not necessarily a need to walk around with a neon flashing sign that says “I’m hurt” or “I’m disappointed” but we do benefit from being able to articulate the feelings behind our disappointment. When teaching kids to use their words….don’t forget that those words include feelings and they need to learn how to attach words to the feelings so they can bounce back when needed.
- Change is real – Whether a loss of a loved one, a pet, changing to a new school, addition of a new family member or winning the lottery…change happens! Life is ever changing and you as a parent are the change agent that can help your child get through. Even though you may feel afraid it’s ok to let them know things in life get scary even when they are good things but breathing deep, looking at one moment at a time and keeping a positive perspective will help build resilience matters a lot.
Photo: Lane Pearman/Flickr