Coach Aleasa Word talks about getting kids to ask for rules.
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I’ve had the honor to be a parent for 25 years. My oldest son is gainfully employed and happily raising my granddaughter in another state. At home, however, I have a pre-teen and a teenager who at times can make me feel like I want to go to a deserted island for a few days just to get some quiet time. They’re relatively well-mannered, well-behaved kids but they do have a tendency to argue. My middle son was always the go with the flow kid while my daughter being the youngest one was the feisty little girl though tiny in might is big in presence.
About a month ago me and the kids were driving around most of the day doing errands. The two of them did their regular arguing about everything from who was sitting on where in the car to who saw a red Volkswagen first as they played the game punch buggy to entertain themselves. My son who can get tired of my daughter’s needling very quickly suddenly yelled “STOP” in the car. It startled me as I thought there was an animal, car, person or something they saw that I didn’t. It was really his attempt at getting his sister to leave him alone because his playful mood of five minutes before suddenly changed as often happens with teenagers and he no longer wanted to be bothered. Unfortunately for me, I didn’t know what was happening until I slammed on the breaks. The kids thought I was doing it because I was upset with them since I’d told them to stop arguing about 20 times already. When I asked them what was wrong and my son answered “I was going to ask you the same thing” I just sat there puzzled until I realized what happened and became angry. Well as it goes in the parenting world, when a parent gets so angry they speak in extremely low tones or say nothing at all it’s usually “look out time” for the consequences.
The kids sat quietly as I said to them I didn’t want to hear another word on the entire ride home and how that could have caused an accident by me stopping suddenly. We kept riding and remained silent. As a disciplinarian type of parent I believe in structure for my kids. I’m not a chain gang driver kind of mom; however, I’m old school to a point about following rules and being respectful. I believe punishments like sending kids to their rooms, taking things away and my famous kids really hate it…writing 500 sentences about your behavior amongst a few other creative things. The kids knew somehow they’d crossed the line in this case but had no idea what was in store.
We got home and I went to my room to think about the consequences for their actions that almost caused an accident. I eventually came out and said “I have an announcement.” They came over and looked like “uh oh, here it goes.” I said “effectively immediately,there are no rules—except if it has to do with laws or safety concerns.” They looked shocked and asked what that meant. I proceeded to tell them they were on their own and could do as they pleased for 48 hours but must go to school. Because my kids love school I knew they wouldn’t do anything to get in trouble at school but I knew they’d be confused. I walked back in the room and closed my door slightly. I could here them talking and they’d come back periodically to ask questions about this “no rules” deal. I told them they could stay up as long as they wanted,talk on the phone, stay on the computer, invite friends over , go outside after school or whatever else they wanted to do. They began to whisper about me going crazy and even talked about calling my mother to tell her something was wrong with me.
A little while later they decided to test the limits to fix my little red wagon. My daughter asked what’s for dinner? I said,there’s plenty of stuff you can have whatever you like. She wanted marshmallows, pickles and soda. I agreed she could have whatever she wanted. My son asked if he could stay up all night and watch television and I said he could do whatever he wanted. He asked if he could go outside even though it was getting dark and I told him to do what he wanted. About an hour later they realized what was going on. My daughter asked if I could sign a paper for school and I told her she didn’t need me to and could do what she wanted because since there were no rules, there weren’t any for me either. I could hear my son start to piece it together. My daughter finally says “oh no, this means if we stay up all night she won’t wake us for school because we have to be adults and do what adults do.” Believe it or not my daughter and son went to bed early that night and cleaned the kitchen thoroughly. The next morning, refreshed they decided to push it. They conspired to “fix me.” When my daughter couldn’t get her hair quite right and asked for my help I told her since there were no rules she could wear however she wanted.She cringed in horror.My son asked me if I could pick him up a few things after school and call his friends mom so he could go over and I declined because I too was following the no rules policy. This went on all morning until they went to school.
Once the evening came and this “no rules for anyone” came into play the kids began to get angry because they didn’t know how to function as adults. I still kept basic safety guidelines in place but there were a lot of creative changes that took place n that one day. By the time they went to bed, they were begging for rules because they didn’t like the food choices (hey and since there were no rules, no one said I had to provide the best stuff—just provide real food to eat right). The next morning I acted like the no rules policy was in place. They quickly went about their previously established routine and by the end of the day I put rules back in place. This was a lesson for us all and may not necessarily work for everyone but in my case, my kids got the lesson! Be a grown up when it’s time not when you decide you want to do it because you simply want your way.
Photo: Robert Couse-Baker/Flickr