The latest fad seems to be over-involved fatherhood. Are we doing the right thing?
I’ve never doubted that men are fully capable of taking care of their children, and that they make amazing fathers. On the rare occasion when I have to go away, I never leave my husband with detailed instructions for the care of our children because I know when I come back, the kids will be fed, clothed and will have even slept. Dads all over the Internet feel the same way. They say that they’re not babysitting, but parenting their children, and that they’re no heroes for changing their child’s diapers.
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On the surface this all sounds great, but the more I observe modern parenting practices, the more unnerved I become. For years, I’ve watched expectations for mothers sky rocket. As a mom, I am expected to: spend every waking minute with my children, care for their brain development, always be accessible, warm, caring, and nurturing. I often feel I am not allowed to have a bad day because then my children will feel less than. And, I have been called selfish if I insist on getting some time alone, and because I send my children to daycare. This magnitude of childcare expectations are not something one single person should be expected to endure. And yet many mothers deal with these pressures every day.
Forbes claims that intensive parenting leads to depression. And now intensive parenting is increasingly affecting fathers.
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I am glad that we shine the spotlight on fathers and their importance for child development. After our first daughter was born, I wasn’t able to walk properly. As I healed, my husband changed her first diapers. He remains engaged, involved, and a positive presence in her life, even though he works long hours. That said, it’s important to point out that, statistically, men do fewer household chores than they think and women still do the majority of the less pleasant parenting duties, even if they work full-time.
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In addition, parenting has also become extremely emotionally intensive these days, with far-reaching negative consequences for mothers. For example, Forbes claims that intensive parenting leads to depression. And now intensive parenting is increasingly affecting fathers. In the book Parenting Culture Studies, Charlotte Faircloth writes: “Fathers are, on average, spending more time with their children than 50 years ago. These figures, however, need to be put into the context of the wider parenting culture which has seen both men and women spend more time with children.”
In other words, instead of mothers doing 50% and fathers pitching in to do the other 50%, both parents are required to do 100% when it comes to childcare. I’m not against involved fathers. I just believe we require fathers to be over-involved for all the wrong reasons.
Fathers in traditional 9-5 jobs, and even those who spend more time in the office, are under increasing pressure to be more involved and engaged than ever. The fact that they work hard to provide for their family is increasingly irrelevant. And yet, there are still the same number of hours in every day.
“Mirroring the expertise-led intensive mothering, many of the interventions around fathering focus on enabling men to relate to children through listening and talking, as a means of fostering intimacy in the place of (assumed) distance that comes with more traditional breadwinning.”
But the fact remains that many fathers have jobs which require long working hours and so-called face time in the office. Of course, many would leave these jobs for less demanding employment, but for many reasons is not a feasible option.
Let’s remember that fathers are not idiots in need of expert advice to be better parents.
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Requiring, or expecting fathers to spend more time with their children places a lot of pressure on them. And, despite the fact that fathers are no less able to care for a child, the impression (in media, advertising, and even by some parenting experts) still remains that they’re idiots who have no idea about parenting:
“Indeed, since fathers are not considered to have the same instincts as mothers when it comes to parenting, it becomes possible for claims to be made up in a much more direct way about the need for skilling up dads.”
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Requiring fathers to be more engaged misses the point, and doesn’t make an impact in fathers’ lives. Here’s what would actually help. In many countries, such as Sweden, 480 days of paid paternal leave is a reality. Sweden also has recently introduced six-hour workdays for a few companies, although, of course it will not work for every company. In the Netherlands, fathers have a daddy day, and the Dutch work week is one of the shortest in Europe. Another thing that would really help is cutting moms some slack. Maternal gatekeeping makes it harder for fathers to be involved in childcare, but mothers feel they’re supposed to do everything and cut the fathers off in the process. Decreasing pressure on mothers would most likely result in better participation from the fathers.
Let’s normalize paternal involvement in childcare. By this I mean we should neither control fathers at every step nor elevate them to hero status when they as much as change a diaper.
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Let’s remember that fathers are not idiots in need of expert advice to be better parents. Charlotte Faircloth notices that in fact, fathers are more likely to reject expert advice in favour of a more common sense approach to parenting, something that I call “whatever-works parenting.”
Let’s normalize paternal involvement in childcare. By this I mean we should neither control fathers at every step nor elevate them to hero status when they as much as change a diaper. And let’s pay attention to the emotional and mental wellbeing of fathers: postnatal depression affects 1 in every 10 men, while they’re more likely to hide it or the depression manifests as anger.
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The direction modern fathers are headed seems erringly familiar to me. Now I know why: after all, as a mother, I’ve been there. With all we know, and all we’ve collectively been through, let’s not let the stressors wreak havoc on fathers. They’re too important.
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