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Whenever you experience a crisis, you count on your friends to know what to do and how to respond. The same holds true when you’re on the other end of a crisis. It is vital to your friendship to know your part and help in the way only you can.
Each type of friend is equally significant to the healing process.
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There are three types of friends: an acquaintance, an inner circle friend, and a “finish your sentence” friend. Each type of friend is equally significant to the healing process.
1. The Acquaintance
If you determine you are an acquaintance friend, sending a card is a great start. Sounds a bit cliché, but hear me out. A card or a note (especially in the first few days of crisis) gives the person space to read it on their own time. It puts a little distance between you and your friend, which gives them the freedom to not have to respond immediately. It also lets them contain their emotions.
The card or note should not be lengthy and should not make them feel a response is needed. It should provide encouragement and maybe an offer to listen or help in any way. If there is a specific way you can help, do so. This can include something like babysitting children or offering a meal. Be sure to include a number they can text.
Give the person the ability to reach out on their own terms when they feel safe or have a need.
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Once again, give the person the ability to reach out on their own terms when they feel safe or have a need. If you say you are praying for them, include a specific prayer. For example, “I am praying for peace at this very hard time,” or perhaps, “I am praying you are able to rest.”
By being precise with what you say in your prayer, your friend will know you have put some thought into it. They will feel, because you were specific, that you are actually praying and not just throwing words at them.
2. The Inner Circle Friend
If you determine you are an inner circle friend, a card is always welcome, but a text asking when a good time to talk is better. By texting them, you give them the power to choose when it’s safe to talk. If they have children, they need to be able to talk when the kids are not able to hear. Offer to meet up for lunch if they do not feel safe talking over the phone.
An inner circle friend should have enough knowledge of the other person to know what their family was like before it became broken. It is probably safe to just make plans with them to bring a meal or watch the kids.
Continually check your own motives and only move forward helping if you are truly trying to help.
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Once again even if you are an inner circle person it does not mean you automatically feel safe. Allow time to be seen as a safe person. Continually check your own motives and only move forward helping if you are truly trying to help.
As hard as it is, do not take sides. Remain objective, and never be a part of spreading gossip. Situations and emotions change by the minute so your job is to listen and support. Let a professional direct decisions and offer rational, non-biased advice.
If you are an inner circle person it is likely you have felt betrayed by the other person as well. You are no longer able to make a non-biased decision, so do not attempt one. You will end up doing more damage.
Of course, I am assuming professional counseling has started or will start. The only time advice should be given is if you are an inner circle friend who has been through the exact same trial. If that is the case you must be willing to expose your marriage issues before expecting them to share any private details of their marriage issues.
3. The “Finish Your Sentence” Friend
If you are a “finish your sentence” kind of friend it is likely you were one of the first responders to their emotional distress. Your job is to run interference. Be their biggest cheerleader for the smallest of tasks. Just getting out of bed and dressed for the day is a big accomplishment in those first few days and weeks. Try to stop any gossip or false information being floated around.
Remember that your friend is likely to verbally vomit things they would never even speculate out loud to anyone else but you and God. So respect that what you hear may change in five minutes when they have calmed down or had a new encounter with their spouse. As they seek to unravel the mess with a counselor they may not confide in you as much and the things they deal with together as a married couple may become more private. That is how it should happen. That is normal progress. Just delete the things that were verbally vomited from your memory.
Move along with your friend. Even if you do not witness the progress it is likely happening behind closed doors. Keep running interference on behalf of your friend and get on board with changes when they happen. Help your friend laugh and find projects and outings that are normal and run interference when you are taking part in those events.
Help your friend laugh and find projects and outings that are normal and run interference when you are taking part in those events.
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Do not let people talk about the trial. Keep the focus away from trial and focus only on the normal activity you are doing. They need you to distract them and remind them that life is still moving on and there are normal things going on around them.
Allow them to mourn, but do not allow them to stay there. As a “finish your sentence” kind of friend, it is acceptable to be a bit more blunt as long as it is always in a loving spirit. They will look to you for the kind of honesty only you have permission to give them. When they focus too long on the pain, let them stay there a while, then redirect them.
In summary: We are all on a unique path in life. This is in no way and exhaustive list, and everyone receives and responds differently to love and friendship. Our journeys will look different, but we are still on the journey together.
Be the kind of friend that is a prepared first responder who knows their job and proper boundaries. While we can never fully prepare for the trials that life will throw at us or our friends, we can use the experience of others to give us insight and direction.
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock