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One of the rules I’ve learned along the path of growing from a son into a father and grandfather is the gold standard. Simply, bring your gold standard, your highest, most valued standard, to your children in how you treat them.
In chemistry, the symbol for gold is AU. For me, this is a simple reminder: A stands for acceptance. U stands for understanding. AU = acceptance & understanding. When I am aware of these two valuable ways of thinking and feeling, I bring my highest and best to relations with my children, their mother, and the grandchildren. I’m using it right now in writing this article.
Simply holding the intention of accepting and understanding is a powerful, transformative tool. Impatience, distraction, fear all dissolve when I accept and understand.
When we look at our roles as fathers, this gold standard can be very valuable. By simply asking, “where have I been accepting and understanding?”—reminds me of how and when I’ve done that. Remembering, reminding myself, with feelings and thoughts nourishes the healthy father in me.
Because my father worked away from home during the week, he didn’t get to study and understand his relationship with his children the way I have. In fact, it was because he was so distant that I have increasingly turned my life into accepting and understanding the ongoing challenges and growth in being a dad.
I’m proud of the man I’ve become, and I owe a large part of that to my father. I don’t remember us talking openly about feelings, his or mine. Mom told of his sense he was “doing something wrong” that haunted him. One time he told me that loneliness was the strongest emotion he had ever felt. I still feel the sadness and confusion of that moment. Being a salesman on the road away from his family was harrowing.
As a therapist, I now understand and accept that fear kept him from delving into my feelings with me. Uneducated about the value of witnessing, accepting and understanding his emotions, he avoided them. That seemed to be the case with my brother and sisters.
Relationships, where emotional exchanges are often intentionally open and nurturing, have become a luxury in my life. It’s because my father didn’t know how I felt, and the grueling hunger to feel his acceptance and understanding, that I learned to accept and understand my own feelings. I’ve learned to uphold the gold standard.
At the age of seventy, I am still learning the beautiful lesson in the power of acceptance and understanding. My experience is gentle and powerful in relation to you, Dad. The understanding and acceptance you achieved were enough for me to stand on today.
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Photo credit: Getty Images