My first thought after I skimmed over Lesli Doares’s list of 5 Things That Turn Your Husband Off was, F*ck, that’s me.
I quickly switched to another page for distraction purposes but found myself back on her page within minutes, reading every word meticulously.
So, this is me taking responsibility for my part in my less-than-intimate marriage because I’m guiltier than the devil himself for every single one of them.
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1. Not initiating sex.
This number was never an issue until I became a mom. Never. Between you, me and the bedpost, Mr. Grey could barely keep up with me back in the day. But like everything else in life, things shift whenever we enter a new phase (yay, parenthood). Life ebbs and flows whether we like it or not.
The more your husband has to make the first move, the greater the chance of rejection. Too much of that is demoralizing. — Leslie Doares, 5 Things That Turn Your Husband Off
Ugh. Talk about a gut check. He was in the mood; I was too overwhelmed, self-conscious, and high strung. That cycle went on for years. Nine times out of ten, if Mr. Grey didn’t make the first move, we didn’t have sex. The ugliest (and most shameful) part was I was okay with that dynamic for way too long.
In addition, your guy wants to be wanted, just like you do. He wants to know you desire him. By initiating intimacy, you can make him feel like a million bucks.
Duly noted, Leslie. Duly noted.
2. Duty sex.
I enjoy the sex I have immensely and always. If I didn’t (or felt like I wasn’t going to be able to), there’s a 99.9% chance I wouldn’t do it in the first place. That said, I’m not entirely immune to obligatory-ish sex throughout the fourteen years I’ve been a married woman.
Only the last four years, really.
Maybe I wasn’t quite in the mood but felt like I should be because Mr. G and I hadn’t had sex in a while… Little did I know what I was actually feeling and where that feeling was going to take us four years later. (*cough, cough* — extensive therapy.) Thanks to the right treatment, I’m more gentle with myself these days.
I’ve accepted that sex wasn’t a priority through the years of rearing young kids. But what profoundly saddens me is the effect of not connecting with my husband had on our relationship.
I never want to be that woman again.
3. Putting everyone else first.
Guilty. As. Charged.
Years ago, I probably would have cut anyone (metaphorically speaking, of course) who told me that my kids shouldn’t come first. Today? I would tightly embrace them (bear hugs comin’ in hot!) and offer to buy them a large coffee if they watched my kids for an hour so I could bang my husband.
For the life of me, I cannot find a different article I read on how important it is to put marriage first (over our kids), but to one of the many wise women of Medium, if you’re out there, Thank You.
4. Letting yourself go.
This one is thorny and the most embarrassing number to write about. I’d rather hang my head in shame and quickly move on to number five instead.
But where’s the vulnerability in that?
Admittedly I’ve got quite a trunk and have packed a little extra junk in it over the years. But I’m working on it. That’s the most important thing.
“This isn’t a double standard at play. Both spouses need to continue to make an effort to remain attractive to each other. The normal effects of aging are going to happen but how the package is presented matters.” — Leslie Dorares
Ladies (Gentlemen and Non-Binary), your husband (spouse) freaking loves you. Act like it. He loves you no matter how much you’ve let yourself go. But for your sake — keep working on your fitness. Them noticing is just a sweet love perk. If there are any two things I’ve learned in being in a long term relationship, it’s:
- Nothing is more attractive than confidence. Nothing.
- A little self-care goes a long way after nineteen years.
5. Being critical.
Sometimes (like last night), this number is still an issue for me. These days, I’ve learned to hold a space for what I’m thinking. In that space, I realize what’s happening (a negative thinking pattern) and how I do not want to go down that damn rabbit hole again. I’ll express to Mr. Grey that I need a minute, dismount, and reset myself. Then we pick up where we left off, and our sex life is voluptuous and free again.
“When your guy feels like nothing he does is good enough for you, he isn’t going to put himself out there sexually. He doesn’t really want to try and snuggle with a porcupine. Can you really blame him?” — Lesli Doares
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I really wish I would have found this article five years ago. Oh well, nothing rings truer for me right now than the phrase, Better Late than Never. I’m working on my self-esteem every single day, and I’ve come a long way.
In closing, Lesli, if you’re out there reading this, thank you for your wisdom and insight on my intimacy issues. You officially have my full undivided attention.
If you’re craving more stimulation, please check out another article of Lesli’s on the 5 Things Husbands Do That Kill Sex. My response is already brewing and soon to follow.
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Thank you for reading and spending some time with me today. — ❤ D
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Previously published on Medium.com.
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Photo credit: istockphoto.com