One of my core beliefs about creating a successful marriage is that no one gets to opt out of a vital aspect of it. And intimacy of all kinds, including physical, is critical to a good marriage. It’s each partner’s job to make sure that this aspect of their relationship is in good order. Too often, responsibility for this part of marriage falls on the partner with the higher libido, usually the man.
After my recent post about things husbands do to kill sex, my husband asked where the article was for wives. I agreed there needed to be one but felt challenged because I’m trying to provide helpful relationship advice for men and they already know these things. But then I realized that part of my mission is also to give voice to men in their marriages so, wives, listen up.
If you recognize yourself in any of these behaviors, it’s your turn to take responsibility and stop doing them now.
1. Not initiating sex.
Yes, women often don’t feel desire until they are aroused, and this may be true for you. I know it’s true for me. But that doesn’t mean you can’t make the first move. Being the one with the lower libido means that you have more control over how often you make love. The more your husband has to make the first move, the greater the chance of rejection. Too much of that is demoralizing.
In addition, your guy wants to be wanted, just like you do. He wants to know you desire him. By initiating intimacy, you can make him feel like a million bucks. It makes him feel loved and that he matters. So, making the effort to initiate sex once a month (or more) can really pay off for your marriage.
2. Duty sex.
Duty sex is when you’re not interested but you say “yes” anyway just to get it over with. You know sex is part of marriage but it’s not high on your priority list. Duty sex is when you just check that chore off your list but neither your body nor your heart are engaged.
This is different from what I call “generosity sex”. Generosity sex is when it isn’t a definite “no”, but you aren’t raring to go either. You know it will make him feel good and you just might get into it once things get going. Even if you don’t, it still allows for the deeper connection you both desire and your marriage needs.
While your guy really wants to be intimate with you, you can’t fool him. He can tell the difference.
3. Putting everyone else first.
One of the reasons sex ends up as just another thing on your “to do” list, is because your marriage and your husband have been put on the back burner. This is very common once children show up on the scene. They come with a lot of needs but no extra hours in the day. Intimacy gets pushed to the side until everything else is handled. This often leaves it rushed and unfulfilling for both of you.
But it isn’t just the kids. It’s binge watching TV shows, time spent on social media, and other distractions that are chosen over quality time with each other. Yes, your husband may be guilty of this behavior too but switching gears is often more difficult for women and climbing that hill may get daunting over time.
4. Letting yourself go.
This isn’t a double standard at play. Both spouses need to continue to make an effort to remain attractive to each other. The normal effects of aging are going to happen but how the package is presented matters. It’s just as easy to wear attractive underwear as it is to wear the serviceable kind. Being comfortable doesn’t mean clothes have to be ill-fitting or worn.
If you took care with how you looked when you were dating, doing the same now will make your guy feel like he is worth your time and effort. Can’t get much sexier than that.
5. Being critical.
Women have a lot more power when it comes to men than they realize. Harsh and critical words directed your husband’s way are truly destructive. Most men really want to please the women in their lives so criticism can crush them.
When your guy feels like nothing he does is good enough for you, he isn’t going to put himself out there sexually. He doesn’t really want to try and snuggle with a porcupine. Can you really blame him?
I get it. There’s a lot going on in your world and women have gotten a bunch of mixed messages around sex and intimacy. But your husband isn’t a lout for wanting you physically. It truly is one of the best ways for him to connect with you emotionally.
It’s also easy to put the responsibility on him, especially if he has the higher level of desire. Taking some ownership in this area is an act of love that will create big relationship benefits for you and your marriage. Are you willing to step up?
Need help now? Get a free 15-minute laser coaching session on your biggest intimacy challenge.
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This post was previously published on The Hero Husband Project and is republished here with permission from the author.
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Photo credit: iStock
i feel this was written by a man, as its so accurate – nice article.