In my first couple years of college, I would essentially sit and watch my iPhone, nervously hoping a guy would text me back. I spent a lot of time in half-relationships filled with my own insecurity and confusion, thinking that maybe, just maybe, it would turn into something more.
Instead of simply waiting for a significant other who would take me on cute kayak dates and tell me daily how loved I am — no waiting by the phone needed — I clung to relationships I found more quickly and spent the rest of my time defending them. (Yes, I’m a little bitter and sad for my younger self.)
I was a squirrel always running around, waiting for acorns to fall. I’d jump and run when one fell. I’d get so excited, then feel hopeless as I waited and tried to shake another one down. I didn’t realize the trees nearby held so many more acorns, all perfect and ready for me.
I constantly wondered if I was “good enough,” not realizing yet that I could have love freely and abundantly.
. . .
The breadcrumbing
Some of those unhealthy relationships entailed me experiencing “breadcrumbing.” “Breadcrumbing’’ is a relationship phenomenon when someone gives small bits of attention, or “breadcrumbs,” when the other person loses interest to keep the relationship alive with little work.
So when I gave quick replies and excited smiles, he gave me time to wait and half-hearted attempts at encouragement. This only changed when I didn’t share my compassion as openly. When I gave all my love all the time, I felt like I received his only intermittently — when I pulled away. I tried to push our relationship forward in intimate and meaningful ways, but I felt we went forward only when I wanted out.
I didn’t feel appreciated, at least not in the same ways or to the same extent as I showed. Yes, he invited me over. Yes, we’d hang out for days at a time — at times — but I often found myself wondering how much my needs were in mind. The talking-often-to-not-talking dilemma was confusing and left me all over the place, emotionally. I needed more.
. . .
My need for love versus my need for self-respect
When concerns like those bounced around my head, as heavy as boulders and as animated as rubber balls, I ignored them or gave flimsy excuses. I was fine with this because I wanted a relationship so badly and figured it was worth it.
I’ve always had this crushing need to be loved. I crave affection and affirmation so deeply that I’ll put up with pain, confusion, and crying to have even an ounce of it. So as I shared my worries about these relationships with my compassionate friends who didn’t wear those same rose-colored glasses, I endured anxious, racing heartbeats and shaky hands. Clearly, I had a terrible fear of loneliness, and them drawing attention to the fact I could be approaching it was almost too much to bear.
So, as you can probably guess, it took me a long time to decide I needed to let go of the breadcrumbs in seek of a bread loaf. And sometimes, I wondered if I was right, both in how I saw the relationship and in how I saw the need to end it.
After all, he and I never agreed to a totally exclusive, committed relationship. Maybe I was just seeing everything all wrong. Maybe my dad’s disapproval was just his worries about “his little girl.”
But years after the breakup, I heard Taylor Swift’s song “Tolerate It” on her “Evermore” album, and I haven’t had those same anxieties since.
. . .
“Tolerate It” & looking back on what led to the breakup
Many of Taylor Swift’s songs lovingly call me out; however, when I heard “Tolerate It,” I became especially emotional. Every line seemed to speak to my past relationship full of breadcrumbing. I could hardly believe what I was hearing. Each word validated my experience and my decision to end it.
I relived them both.
I never really wanted to believe the relationship I was in had unhealthy elements. I didn’t want to believe him when he said he didn’t want more, when he rejected my attempts to spend time together. I didn’t want to believe the pain I felt was likely doomed to continue.
Some part of me knew our relationship wouldn’t last and that I had no reason, really, to stay. Some part of me knew I deserved and could find the same love I was giving elsewhere.
I knew I could be the center of a loving Instagram post on Valentine’s Day. I knew could feel encouraged and cheery about a relationship. I could have a racing heartbeat from excitement, the kind that stays and doesn’t end in doubt.
But I hadn’t fully come to terms with that consciously yet, and for one main reason: I was scared.
I was scared of being single. I was scared to end what (occasionally) could be a thrilling and fulfilling relationship. I was scared of conflict. I was scared of losing the semblance of love I’d grabbed and fought for.
But just like quicksand, the more you struggle, the more you sink. And the deeper you sink, and the more you know you’re in imminent danger.
You realize one thing: Something has to change.
I realized something crucial, something I wish I’d learned long before: I’m allowed to say no, this is not enough. I’m allowed to make space for something better. I do have some power here. I’m unhappy more than I’m happy — but I don’t have to live that way anymore.
I took a deep breath (probably between sobs). I cut things off. I said no more.
And looking back now, I know I was right to do so.
. . .
Love is worth celebrating, not tolerating
I’d be lying if I said I haven’t missed him and even us. I don’t think he’s a bad person — we just wanted different things. We have different capacities and ways of showing love. We were at different places in our lives.
But that doesn’t mean I’m in the wrong, either. Regardless of his intentions, I deserved better, what I wanted — which simply wasn’t what he could give.
I wanted and expected more than I reasonably could from him — which is something I’m remembering for future relationships rather than something I’m blaming either of us for.
I deserve someone who celebrates my big heart, not tolerates it. I deserve to feel happy more often than unhappy. I deserve someone who acknowledges and appreciates all I give. I deserve to have a big, undeniable place in my significant other’s life.
(And so do you.)
. . .
Looking ahead & finding love that lasts evermore
I appreciate Taylor Swift and her song “Tolerate It” for reminding me of my worth and why I made the decision I did. I’m thankful for how the song helps me feel less alone, less clingy, less needy, and less ashamed of how much I show and share my heart.
And that’s what I want others to know, too: Your love deserves to be more than tolerated. It’s an amazing piece of you, deserving of appreciation and reciprocation. Loving and caring about others isn’t something to be shy about, ever. While knowing these truths took me a while, I eventually believed them wholeheartedly.
And now I have a significant other who checks all my boxes and more. So do I have regrets? No, I don’t.
I now have someone who loves me today and evermore.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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