Is this something you want to be doing? I mean, are you actually enjoying this, or are you just being nice to me right now?
How how do you respond to this?
Do you put on a fake smile and say, “I’m loving it!”?
Do you say, “To be honest this isn’t fun for me, but I know it’s fun for you, so I’m doing it anyway”?
Why are they making it so hard to do something nice for them?
What’s the best way to handle it?
Do they not want you to do nice things for them?
What’s the subtext?
First, let’s read between the lines to get to the emotional tone. What’s the question behind the question? Here are a few possibilities:
- Fear—will you be resentful later? Punish me for it?
- Anxiety — Will you expect something in return? What will you feel entitled to later?
- Shame — Sometimes I have trouble receiving, so it’s easier for me to focus attention on your happiness than my own.
- Guilt — did I twist your arm into doing this?
(Or maybe none of these—they’re having a great time and just curious what your experience is.)
There is a way to answer honestly and address their concerns, so that you’re free to love on them and have them feel good about it, while not martyring yourself.
On a Scale of One to Five…
Check internally so you know what’s true for you. Locate yourself on the following scale:
- Direct pleasure.
This feels good to me.
We’re doing something I enjoy. - Empathetic pleasure.
Your enjoyment and happiness feel good to me.
I’m getting off on your pleasure. (This can play a huge role in sex.) - Generosity.
Your enjoyment and happiness are important to me.
The experience is neutral and I’m more than happy to do it. - Willingness.
Your enjoyment and happiness are worth it to me.
I wouldn’t call it pleasant, and, I’m game, I’m volitionally choosing to do it. - Refusal.
I’m a no to that.
I decline to participate.
Hearing you speak honestly about where you’re at on this map and what you’re feeling will help them feel safe, and empower them to decide if you’re doing something for them that they want you to do, or not.
I use this with anyone I’m close with, and I encourage my clients to express their level of enthusiasm using this scale.
(Notice there’s no “forced to do it against my will” tier. That’s not a thing, nor should you pretend it is. And if it is—for real—get help and get out. Now. This is not a functional relationship.)
Clean Generosity
Here are some rules of thumb to make sure your actions are coming from the right place.
- Don’t do anything you’ll resent later. And don’t be resentful about anything you did before.
- Generosity and obligation are opposites. You can only be generous by choice.
- Be honest about your generosity. Don’t call attention to it, but if asked, be truthful about where you are on the scale.
- Your generosity buys you precisely nothing. It is possible that your generosity will get you a partner who’s happier and more in surplus. But even this is not something you’re entitled to. Be generous, or not, but don’t be a bean counter.
- Receive your partner’s generosity with grace. How you receive is as important as how you give.
- Don’t do anything for them that they genuinely don’t want you to do. Consider it your craft as an intimate partner to get to know them so well that you can distinguish between their politeness vs. their genuine push-back.
Desire vs. Generosity
There’s a shorthand my wife and I use with each other. We have a good track record of clean generosity, and martyrdom is safely out of the picture. So we just talk in terms of operating from desire vs. operating from generosity.
For example, “You’re being generous right now, thank you for watching this movie with me.”
Or, “Thank you for making me that salad, that was generous of you.”
Or we’ll straight-up ask, “Are you having fun or being generous right now? I can’t really tell.”
In our world, this is a question with no wrong answer.
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Previously Published on Medium
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