My wife and I are expecting our first child as I write this — a sweet baby boy. I remember feeling such excitement when I first heard the news. I was going to be a dad.
As exciting as that may have been, I was also very nervous. Fatherhood is a huge responsibility.
Boy or girl, it is my responsibility to lead by example. In my case, I have to show my son how to treat a woman. Every action or reaction I have will impact him as he grows up and discovers the world.
Growing up, I had that example, or so I thought. As you mature and begin to create your own relationships, you start to see that what seems normal does not always foster a healthy relationship.
While I’m sure my father started with good intentions, some of the lessons I learned from him made it difficult for me in the early stages of my relationship with my wife. Luckily I found the most remarkable woman in the world who stuck through with me anyway.
This is by no means a bash session on my father; after all, he did give me some valuable tools to raise my son. Here is what my father taught me not to do when raising my son.
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Be Present
My father was present for most of my life until he wasn’t. I was 15 when he left. A great time for me developmentally as I was still navigating what it meant to be a man.
The teenage years can be challenging. I had to teach myself how to shave; luckily, there wasn’t much for me to work with at 15.
My older brother and his wife taught me to drive.
I began figuring out “how to deal with girls.” There were a lot of things that I needed my dad for, but he was gone.
This is the most significant thing he taught me not to do. Leave.
This lesson relates to more than just my child. For a long time leaving was how I dealt with uncomfortable conversations or processing emotions. If I didn’t like a particular talk, I would just go.
As you can imagine, that worked wonders for my relationship.
Being there is a vital part of being a good husband and father. But it’s not the only thing.
I feel that at some point, we’ve mistaken presence as the end all be all, especially during pregnancy and the early part of parenthood.
When I go to a prenatal visit, the world unrolls the red carpet for me and gives me a trophy. My wife is Beyonce, and I’m a chauffeur. Without her, there is no visit.
Presence is more than just sticking around. Presence is what you do when you stick around.
Process Emotions
There is only one time in my life that I saw my father get emotional. Before that moment, he was always a stoic, bold man that kept to himself.
I remember it like it was yesterday. I was 13, and the family had come up on some difficult times financially.
He was a proud man, and while we struggled, he tried his best to provide.
It was his birthday, and at 13, I couldn’t give him anything, so I got him a card and put $20 inside.
When he opened it and saw the money, he cried.
It was the closest I had ever felt to my father.
Before that day, I had never seen my dad cry. I had never seen him express an emotion other than yelling at me when I got in trouble, nor had I seen him tell my mother how he felt.
Even in the one moment when I saw him cry, he never told me how he felt. I assumed it was happiness and not shame, but he and I never had those conversations that it was okay to be vulnerable.
Handle Conflict
Handling conflict effectively can be one of the hardest things to do. It takes patience, emotional intelligence, and humility. It is not fun to admit you are wrong, but kids need to see their parents reconcile the conflict.
Growing up, I never saw my parents settle a disagreement. I saw them argue, but there was never a resolution — it just dissolved.
When my wife and I first started dating, and we began to have our first disagreements, I reverted to what I knew.
I would just drop it as soon as I got over it. Just dropping it doesn’t work. It only leads to resentment.
When my son comes into this world, my wife and I will still find things we don’t necessarily agree on. We will probably even want to parent differently, and that is okay!
What is not okay is for our son not to see us express how we feel and effectively resolve our differences.
Show Affection to your Significant Other
I never saw my parents kiss, cuddle, hold hands, or any other form of PDA. If they did kiss, it was scripted for a picture, but I never saw genuine, spontaneous displays of affection.
I heard them say “I love you,” but never daily. There was no kiss goodbye as my father left for work, nor was there a kiss hello when he returned.
Occasionally there was a hug or two, but there was never a consistent effort to remind one another that they loved each other. At least that I saw.
As you could imagine, as I grew older, I struggled with displays of affection or touching. I still have to work on it, and while I like to think that I’m coachable, my wife would argue I still have a little way to go.
Kids need to see their parents still prioritize one another and still care for one another. They need to see that holding hands and kissing the one you love is okay.
The Value of a Dollar
While this may not be an emotional topic like the others, finances can quickly lead to emotional hardship.
According to a Ramsey Solutions survey, money is the number two cause of divorce in America.
A recent CNBC article disclosed that 600,000 people were displaced due to rising inflation following the COVID-19 pandemic.
While money certainly does not bring happiness, you can quickly run out of it and cause severe emotional strain.
My father was by no means a wealthy man. He made a comfortable living to support our middle-class family but spent outside his means.
There was one purpose to money, to spend it. There were no savings, no college funds, and no backup plans.
By no means do I want my son to be scared of financial ruin and never treat himself, but he will understand where money comes from and that it goes far more quickly than it comes in.
Being a father is a big responsibility. Not only are you charged with protecting the life of another human being, but it is also your responsibility to teach them right from wrong.
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For everything my father did that I disagree with, I’d like to think he tried his best. That is all anyone ever wants to do.
Dads need to remember that fatherhood can be very scary, but as long as you just do your best and teach your child right from wrong, you and your family will be better for it.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Derek Thomson on Unsplash