Transcript provided by YouTube (unedited)
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we’re going to be dealing with a
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listener question a question from the
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lovely Maylene who asks us about the
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phenomenon of spiritual
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[ __ ] boys we are going to be talking
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about people who aren’t quite what they
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appear
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[Music]
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before I met my current boyfriend I got
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a bit stuck in a situationship with a
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guy who was doing men’s group therapy
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could have really deep conversations
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about feelings
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seemed self-aware and aware of how the
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past had affected him
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could share emotions and cry with me
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and yet
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was utterly unable to commit and in fact
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after I cut it off with him I found out
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he had been seeing other women despite
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telling me we were dating exclusively I
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think sometimes we fall into the Trap of
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seeing a guy that seems emotionally
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aware and we see that as honesty
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availability and overall attractive
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qualities I would go as far as to say
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that in my experience the guy I was
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seeing was probably using all of that
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quote wokeness to keep me around in
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limbo in a very manipulative but covert
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way
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I believe the term for those guys is
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spiritual [ __ ] boys they basically use
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their knowledge and experience of
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emotional connection to deepen the bond
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with women but still have a relationship
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or other trauma related excuse to be on
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the brink of commitment but never fully
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in particularly nowadays when men are
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opening up to spirituality Men’s Work
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trauma healing and this information in
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lingo is readily available thank you for
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all your help wow I don’t know why I
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just find it so funny I can’t you just
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picture him I’m cycling through various
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caricatures I’m thinking like
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traveling guy who’s lives around a beach
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and wears a lot of shell necklaces and
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Beads and braids and stuff I’m thinking
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that guy
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I’m thinking dude who leads like yoga
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seminars
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um yeah and I’m thinking
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uh yeah therapy guy who looks like like
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a gentle masculine you know in touch
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emotional guy but he’s also just like
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you can’t pin me down I don’t want to
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Define this don’t limit me or he’s like
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I’ve got all these traumas and that’s
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his story Stephen would you say that he
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normally has the unique pairing of
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masculinity and all of these apparently
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emotionally vulnerable and available
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qualities would you say masculinity ends
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up tends to be a key part of the
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equation yeah I think in general yes I
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think he can look like he embodies a
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great unique pairing of being a active
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guy who’s also emotional and like Audrey
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said kind of alpha like Audrey says he’s
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got a lot of the language which is like
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oh this isn’t just like your typical bro
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in front of video games who’s just like
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oh I don’t care about that stuff he’s he
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does he’s into all that stuff so he does
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know the language of therapy he does
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know about he’s read some Eckhart toll
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he’s read some uh Jack cornfield he
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knows how to quote all these people and
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so yeah he’s kind of also
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he’s got he’s got all the language as
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well don’t bring beautiful wonderful
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Eckhart into this
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what a Twist that would be if eckhart’s
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work is just producing [ __ ] boys
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here’s my thing though his intention I’m
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sure we should sleep together tonight
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think about it think about what Eckhart
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says the power of now not tomorrow not
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next week now together we can make a new
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Earth
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here’s my thing though I’m not saying
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all those guys are frauds or anything
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like that I think that there can just be
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a massive lack of self-awareness in some
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people like I think some of those
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masculine I’m a spiritual bro types kind
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of Might believe their own [ __ ] and
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they do kind of think they’re really
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sensitive and in touch but they’re also
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their masks may be a massive
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self-obsession or a massive ego
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or just insensitivity like they’re
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they’re really sensitive to their needs
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and stuff but not when it actually comes
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to someone else’s they’re not very
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sensitive that’s interesting and a red
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flag for this is
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the conversation them getting high on
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the sound of their own voice
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because I think sometimes the grandiose
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language and the experience and the
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vision and all of this we can get caught
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up in it right like oh my God this
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person is amazing at communicating but
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paying close attention to the fact that
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are they actually interested in what
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you’re saying back to them or is this
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just more of a kind of an opportunity
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for a monologue yeah yeah I haven’t said
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one word in this conversation and we’ve
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been on this day for three hours enough
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about you let’s talk about me yeah I
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think of one of the giveaways I think is
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when people
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spoon feed you their values
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you know when they talk about
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you know I just think you know I just
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think it’s so important to be kind you
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know I just think it’s it’s really so
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important to be kind to to people and uh
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you know I just or they’re just you know
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I just really value honesty you know I I
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think that’s one of the most important
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things to me is is honesty in other
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people and in this place you just don’t
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see enough honesty and if you if you
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have to say it you have to say I’m a
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really genuine person probably not a
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really genuine person if you have to say
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that you value honesty you probably have
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to you’re probably saying it because you
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think it sounds good rather than because
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you’re living it day to day as your
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value think about how important what I’m
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about to say must be for me to interrupt
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my own video well here’s why it’s
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important it’s going to change your love
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life and it’s free if you want to know
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why someone may have faded out why they
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may have disappeared why all of a sudden
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it felt like the momentum was lost with
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this person go to why he’s gone.com
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where I talk about the main reasons
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someone disappears go check it out why
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he’s gone.com and now let’s go back to
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the video if I’m looking for signs the
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spoon feeding is a really interesting
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point Matt I think if anyone’s spoon
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feeding you too much that’s where your
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skepticism should start to creep in a
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little bit yeah why are you why aren’t
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you just being this why are you talking
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about don’t tell you don’t need to show
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like show me who you are don’t tell me
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who you are so you gotta earn it over
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time I want I want to make friends and
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then I want them to be you know uh four
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shots deep before they tell me some
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really moving experience they had I
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gotta earn that with that with that
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fourth cocktail you can’t just like I
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met you four minutes ago why do I know
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this much about what you really think
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about the world and that’s really
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interesting really interesting because I
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think if
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a man shares a story with you
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you feel more connected to them even if
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it’s a first date or second date you go
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oh my God they were so vulnerable with
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me they shared that trauma they shed
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this really deep story about their
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childhood and what they went through
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it’s actually probably a little bit of a
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red flag so to speak if somebody is over
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sharing that way very early on because
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why is he feeling so comfortable to
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share with you a perfect stranger
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something incredibly personal about
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yourself have to go who am I I’m not
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special to them I’m we’re we’re on a
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date we’re on a first date so if this is
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what they’re doing with me I have to
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assume on some level that this is not
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uncommon for them that they they get
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this vulnerable with people and I think
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the instinct is to feel special and to
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feel connected and as a woman you’re you
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know we we can be quite nurturing in the
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way that we are with you know with
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perfect strangers and we can just sort
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of go oh I feel really close to this
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person I feel like I can I really helped
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them and it was really healing to have
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this conversation with them
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instead of actually looking at it for
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what it is which is just probably too
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much information for date one can I can
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I give another red flag yeah
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if you’re being
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if you’re being slightly vulnerable
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about something or just being just being
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open with someone about
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something in your life and I don’t mean
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the kind of vulnerability this sort of
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sickly over the top
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vulnerability you’re talking about but
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just the if you’re just
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open
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and that person starts giving you advice
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that is like one of my
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immediate red flags
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is if you I didn’t ask for advice
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but based on some information I you’re
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using this information that I just gave
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you
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as an opportunity to coach me
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or lecture me like that is
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that I find to be really really a bad
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sign because it’s
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that then you know this is all about
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you getting off on the sound of your own
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voice you getting off on what you know
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you trying to play a role where you’ve
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got it more together than me so that
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represents a lack of vulnerability in
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you
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it’s it’s all so I I would say that as
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almost the kind of CounterPoint to
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someone who weaponizes their
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vulnerability uh it’s almost someone who
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weaponizes your vulnerability if they
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jump on it if they pounce on it to take
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on the coaching role just yeah that’s a
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that is a good red flag horrible
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horrible horrible is the opposite of
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connection those those guys in general
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that she’s speaking about I think are
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just the kinds of guys who will very
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much speak in a way like they have all
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the answers they have all of the
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understanding of themselves of the
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situation of how people are of
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everything and instead of kind of trying
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to assume the role of student they’re
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just constantly trying to be the teacher
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because they’re high on their own voice
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it doesn’t matter what someone says to
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you about who they are or how exciting
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they appear to be in the beginning or
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how much they appear
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to speak the same language as us
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you have to actually watch what someone
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does
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they can say they’re kind or that they
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can keep repeating to you how kind they
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are
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and then you can actually sort of watch
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them and go oh I don’t actually see that
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in the way that they’re treating People
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In This Very Room
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uh they can keep talking about how
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generous they are
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and yet you haven’t been able to get a
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word in in conversation so their
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generosity absolutely does not show up
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in sharing the conversational stage with
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you when we see these contradictions
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it’s it’s actually important that we
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don’t allow their Charisma and the
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flowery language or the way they
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communicate which might be very
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enjoyable
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to mask that like this guy can be can
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seem massively attractive because he’s
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got that masculine something and also
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that super sensitive
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a good Great Communicator in touch with
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his feeling inside
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and sometimes that can just be genuine
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right that could be a genuine attractive
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unique pairing but there’s just no
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shortcuts in relationships so I think
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you just have to take your time with it
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and not be fooled and there’s no by the
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way that that’s very true and there’s
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also no shortcuts
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when it comes to building character
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you don’t get to go to a yoga class and
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read a spiritual book
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and now have great character you might
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talk the language you might be wearing
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pants from Halo
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you might you know be carrying your yoga
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mat into the coffee shop you might you
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might have all the right trappings or
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the the kind of trim of someone who
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thinks in enlightened ways and use the
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language I you know I really want to
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honor myself I really want to honor my
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truth I really want to just live in
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Integrity you could say all of these
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phrases that become utterly devoid of
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meaning in the ways that they’re used it
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doesn’t build character character takes
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time
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character in fact let me rephrase that
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because character can only be revealed
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over time but building character
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is something that is built through
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struggle it’s built through suffering
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it’s built through reaching places in
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our life of massive humility of having
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gone through something and been you know
13:15
had the rug pulled out from underneath
13:17
us of losing the things that that we
13:20
relied on for our confidence of life not
13:23
being the way that we thought it was or
13:24
not panning out the way we thought it
13:26
would or just going through things that
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make us take a step back and go oh
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life is tough and and whoa this gives me
13:39
an insight into how tough it is for
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other people and when you realize how
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tough it is for other people that
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doesn’t make you go let me talk about
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myself all the time
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it makes me go let me let me go and find
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out more about other people let me go
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and connect with other people
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um because it’s one of the you know I’m
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a big believer in therapy but there’s
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nothing worse than someone who does
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therapy and comes out and all they ever
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do is talk about their therapy because
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it’s somehow one of the side effects for
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some people can be that just everything
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in life becomes about how you know that
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they get addicted to their narrative
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their story and how interesting it is
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and why they are the way they are and
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they forget the other people in the
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world exist
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and they can tell a very interesting
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story about themselves but it doesn’t
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have any of the humility of I’m one in
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seven billion and that other people have
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stories and let me connect with theirs
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yeah and it’s interesting I’ve even seen
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on dating apps women who have specified
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not interested in a guy if he hasn’t
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done therapy and I always think that’s
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an interesting one because it’s like I
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understand the intention of what that
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person’s saying
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is very dogmatic though and also it it
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suggests that because you’ve done that
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you are going you have got a tick and
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you’ve got the language and you’ve
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diagnosed yourself so you’re going to be
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a superior partner but who’s to say a
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who’s to say your therapy has
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necessarily helped you and be so you
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know so what like oh I’ve gone to
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therapy I’ve been to a spiritual Retreat
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I’ve done yoga it might be nice if you
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have an interest in those things but it
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doesn’t actually tell you anything about
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the qualities of that person well what
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that person is saying when they say I
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want someone who’s been to therapy or
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I’m not interested in someone who hasn’t
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done therapy is is that they really
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value self-awareness and a desire to
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grow and be a better person right well
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yes and I try to do that the two things
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don’t necessarily go hand in hand the
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you can be self-aware
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but not have a desire to grow or you can
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also be self-aware have a desire to grow
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But ultimately just constantly give in
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to your worst kind of side there are
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people who’ve been in debt therapy for
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three decades who are not any improved
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well you the Improvement takes work and
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therapy is one form of work it’s it but
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but you have to actually be willing to
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do the things that make you a better
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person and self-awareness alone won’t
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make you do those things therapy needs
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to meet character because character is
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the ability to do hardship even when you
16:24
don’t want to do it even when it’s it’s
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you know very much a resistant Road and
16:30
you’re not going to get your favorite
16:32
outcome as a result of it but you’re you
16:34
are living your value by doing it that
16:37
is what character that’s how it’s built
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over time right and so the reason
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therapy alone with a lack of character
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just as pointless as a pointless
16:46
exercise what’s the show we’ve been
16:48
watching on Netflix Dharma Dharma yeah
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what was his name Jeffrey Dahmer yeah I
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mean when you watch him in a jail show
16:55
when you watch him in a jail cell and
16:56
he’s talking about what he’s done
16:58
he seems fairly self-aware yeah he even
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thinks he’s a monster you feel almost
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sorry for him don’t you but he’s yeah
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because he’s sort of there’s a
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self-awareness to it but it’s not you
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know I wouldn’t want to go back to his
17:11
house for a beer just because he’s
17:12
self-aware he’d still you still have
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apparently swipe right on that uh on
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that profile because yeah he’d be like
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oh yeah
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Steve what I find so I think you and I
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are probably in agreeance on this but
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what I find so cringe about that that
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therapy signaling on the profile is just
17:28
that that’s automatically putting
17:30
yourself on the pedestal it’s like
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unless you’ve gone to therapy and you
17:34
can speak my therapy language so that’s
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I think that’s the the Troublesome
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problem there it’s just the signaling
17:41
element yeah I’ve got friends who have
17:43
never done a session of therapy in their
17:44
lives who I think would probably make
17:46
better Partners than some people I know
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who do a lot of therapy exactly you know
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what I mean so it’s kind of like yeah
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it’s like you can learn all the language
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you go well these are my bag of issues
17:58
though but it’s like well yeah but have
18:01
have you worked on them is it is it
18:03
working like what what are the issues
18:05
there’s plenty of people with uh
18:07
trainers at the gym that just sit there
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talking with their friends they’re not
18:10
actually getting a good good work at it
18:11
I still real thing though if you gave me
18:13
the option I would prefer
18:15
you to have had therapy I no no I I
18:18
actually agree with that 100
18:21
I I think the point is it doesn’t really
18:24
tell you something on its own like does
18:26
someone reading a cocktail tell you
18:28
anything like there are P there are
18:30
people who’ve read our toll who are 10
18:32
times bigger they have great taste no
18:36
but there are people there are people
18:38
who have read Eckhart Tolle who are 10
18:39
times bigger [ __ ] there are people
18:41
who have read the complete works of
18:43
Marcel proust and they’re very literary
18:45
but they’re complete [ __ ] it doesn’t
18:47
actually tell you anything other than
18:49
they have done that right but if someone
18:51
said to you I’m not interested in doing
18:53
therapy ever wouldn’t that be a sort of
18:57
like that that would that would scare me
19:01
more than yeah but like that I feel like
19:03
would give me more of a signal whereas
19:05
of course someone going to therapy
19:07
doesn’t mean they’re a good person but
19:09
if someone says I’m not interested in
19:12
that that would be a little alarming for
19:14
me I think also it shows that someone’s
19:16
willing to invest in making themselves
19:19
happier and better which you’re
19:21
obviously going to benefit from now
19:22
whether it works or not is a different
19:24
story but at least and I’m not saying
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you should make that your criteria for
19:28
dating apps but I do think that I
19:30
understand the logic of wanting you know
19:32
if you’ve actually spent money and time
19:35
and energy trying to work on aspects of
19:37
yourself that hold you back I think
19:40
that’s a good thing my worry with this
19:42
is that this is exactly what that guy
19:44
that she was dating put on his profile I
19:47
guarantee he probably put something like
19:49
only only swipe right if you’ve done
19:51
therapy you know that’s a language it’s
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a one it’s a very I think the key word
19:56
that you keep coming back to Matt is
19:57
humility and the person that’s putting
19:59
that in their profile I think they don’t
20:01
have the the right amount of humility
20:03
about the different Journeys that is a
20:06
great way of putting it is thinking that
20:08
this path is the only path and that’s
20:10
what people who you know people who
20:13
start making yoga their religion that
20:16
that
20:17
creates this hubris people who make
20:20
therapy their religion that that creates
20:24
that same arrogance it’s is when you
20:27
stop respecting the fact that people get
20:29
there different ways you know the
20:31
extreme of it these days is someone who
20:33
just swears by psychedelics it’s like
20:35
the only way to get any form of Truth
20:39
and Enlightenment the only way to peek
20:42
behind the curtain of what’s really
20:43
going on in life and what reality really
20:46
is is to have shoved some mushrooms in
20:49
your mouth now I’ve got no problem with
20:51
oh mouth no wonder I didn’t really have
20:53
the experience yeah you were going up
20:54
the wrong end yeah yeah yeah as I guess
20:57
I can’t figure this out yeah no you got
21:00
they go they go down not up yeah we’ll
21:03
get it yeah okay all right so that’s why
21:06
you’re not enlightened I really did not
21:07
do well with that on my profile
21:10
I’ve been expecting so much more truth
21:12
from you with all the mushrooms you’ve
21:14
been doing
21:15
and all you’ve been doing is taking sick
21:17
days his profile just said mushrooms
21:19
don’t really get all the fuss about it
21:22
you know what’s interesting about what
21:24
you’re saying though I think is it’s
21:26
usually replacing one addiction with
21:28
another so right people who are kind of
21:30
enlightened and you know have found this
21:33
spiritual
21:34
Awakening that other people don’t have
21:36
access to tend to be people who partied
21:38
so hard in their 20s and 30s and took
21:42
all sorts of drugs and did all these
21:43
things and then suddenly that didn’t
21:45
work anymore they were deeply unhappy
21:47
and they just found their next thing to
21:49
jump onto now it’s not always the case
21:51
but I think it happens a lot where it’s
21:53
just people with very addictive kind of
21:56
uh binary personalities and they just
21:59
find the next wave the next thing I
22:02
think that if I could wrap this up I’d
22:04
say find someone who who
22:07
find well one of the messages I think
22:09
from this is find someone who has the
22:11
humility as you pointed out Jameson
22:14
to be curious about
22:17
other people’s paths in life and and how
22:19
they got there and to me the person
22:22
who’s genuinely enlightened genuinely
22:25
emotionally available
22:27
uh genuinely
22:30
spiritual for one of a better word
22:32
is good at connecting is good at
22:36
understanding your journey and being
22:38
interested in it and their spirituality
22:42
or what their character they’ve built in
22:45
their life might be more likely to
22:48
build
22:49
then announce itself the moment you meet
22:53
someone in some spectacular and
22:55
charismatic fashion
22:57
not least of which because the person
22:59
who’s who’s humble and confident doesn’t
23:03
feel the need to Dazzle you the moment
23:07
they meet you they’re they’re actually
23:09
confident enough to let themselves be
23:12
to build in their attractiveness they
23:15
don’t need to to Dazzle you the moment
23:18
they meet you with how wonderful and
23:20
enlightened and clever they are I think
23:23
a shared spiritual framework is great
23:25
and if you look for that same religion
23:27
same spirituality that’s great but don’t
23:29
assume knowledge is character
23:32
knowledge of therapy culture knowledge
23:35
of the works of Eckhart Tolle yeah
23:37
that’s knowledge of Christianity or
23:39
going to Oxford because there are a lot
23:41
of shits there as well
23:43
really well said Stephen I agree
23:46
white before YouTube sends you down the
23:49
rabbit hole of watching raccoon videos
23:52
or videos of large crocodiles on Florida
23:56
golf courses I have something that will
23:58
help your love life more than these
24:00
things and it’s at why he’s gone.com if
24:02
you want to know why someone faded out
24:05
why they were giving you attention and
24:07
all of a sudden they stopped this guide
24:09
shows you go to why he’s gone.com and
24:13
then enjoy
24:14
your baby bear videos
—
This post was previously published on YouTube.
***
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