Trigger Warning: The following article involves discussion of rape.
I’m tired of the injustice. I saddened that women like us have been raped by the system as well as by our perpetrators. I call out to you; the women whose rape cases were failed by justice:
The burdened. The silent. The determined.
I’m calling to all of you who are tired of the anonymous victims being ignored; those whose attack was dismissed as if drinking is an open invitation for nonconsensual sex.
I’m calling out to you through my story.
I’m also calling out the legislation who can change the laws. By adding a face. And a name. And a reason to start listening, before class action suits are filed against the states where justice failed us. If I choose to pursue a suit against the state for not working my case and not sending my physical evidence to be tested, my claim is still valid; so is every claim by rape victims who were forgotten by the justice system. Does this frighten the state legislators who failed us? Does it scare them that they could owe us all financial compensation for what they did to us?
I hope it does.
I hope it shames them.
In two weeks, my rape kit will be eight years old, presumably surrounded by cobwebs on an evidence shelf, if it hasn’t been tossed by some officer by now. Vials of my blood, swabs of my skin, photos of the bruises on my naked body, the clothes I was wearing…all sit there because what was done to me didn’t matter enough for the prosecutor to spend “his limited financial resources” to send my kit for testing.
If the crime had been murder, the time and money would have been used. A case have been worked and the law would have tested all physical evidence.
But not for rape. I was told rape was “too common” in Charlotte. There were “too many cases” to prosecute them all. The justice system had to make a choice of where to spend resources. They had to choose whether or not to investigate the crime that was committed against me. And they chose not to.
“Chose.”
That word cuts so deeply. Someone “chose” not to do their due diligence to investigate my case. Someone “chose” to disregard what was done to me.
♦◊♦
The official charges were kidnap and rape. Though that doesn’t tell the whole story.
I was drugged in a small club. It was slipped in the drink a man bought for me. Within minutes of drinking it my eyes rolled in the back of my head. Darkness filled my mind for the next 8 hours. I woke up in a place I had never been, next to a man I didn’t know, naked and confused.
If I had understood what had happened, I would have gone to the hospital right away. I had no idea I had been drugged. Even though something didn’t feel right about the night before, I wanted a shower. It was obvious we had had sex; my only focus that morning was to clean him off of me. When I later realized what happened I went to the hospital and started a six-hour ordeal of people scouring my body and my memory.
When I got home from filing a police report, my roommate took my experience to a new low. She told me that pressing charges like this could “ruin” these men’s lives. That I needed to consider dropping the case and accept that I was just drunk. I felt guilty and thought she may be right. I shouldn’t have been drinking. I shouldn’t have kissed him. I shouldn’t press charges. She also told the detective all this and it was added to my case notes. This note would be the downfall of my case.
The security tapes showed the man buying me a drink, but the view was obstructed so we could not see if he added something to the glass or not. We had no proof until an eyewitness came forward and said that the man put my uninhabited body over his shoulder and took it to his car. He walked away with a limp body – the body of a woman who didn’t get a chance to say no.
The detective said she was 100% sure that I was drugged, roofied. She saw it all the time and that my case was “textbook”. She told me to hold tight until the prosecutor reviewed the evidence. I thought this was standard procedure to decide how to move forward with the case. Little did I know that it was actually an evaluation to decide whether they wanted to fight for me or not.
I was told my case didn’t have enough evidence for the city to spend part of their budget sending the rape kit away. He said the testimony of my roommate gave a doubt of whether I was drunk or drugged so he didn’t want to move forward because that fact could kill my case.
And I accepted that answer.
I didn’t even think of the fact that there was no difference between the two: I was incapacitated regardless.
But apparently, in Charlotte eight years ago, rapes apparently didn’t get researched to bring charges if there was alcohol involved. If she was drinking, it was her fault.
I often think about the prosecutor who made that choice. A person who never saw me and never spoke to me or any of the other victims he was supposed to represent. Prosecutors like this just knew that we were drinking, and therefore it was our fault. In tossing our cases out, these men failed us.
I’ve waited eight years to tell this story but refrained for many reasons – mostly from fear of people judging me, risking that some will say it was my fault & having to relive that trauma.
But last year I was hospitalized to prevent suicide. Thoughts of the situation surrounding my rape case came flooding back to me in the hospital and I knew I needed to deal with the pain and tell my story. I’ve continued to put it off, because the fear was too strong. After the news of the recent rape case at Stanford, I’ve finally found the courage to come forward.
Of course, even with this newfound courage, I found myself wanting to use my pen name when signing this letter, because of the scrutiny that may follow. But our anonymous letters, as brave and poignant as they are, seem to doing nothing.
So, here is my name:
Lindsay Mortensen, age 36. Raped September 1, 2008
And here is my face:
♦◊♦
I am ready to fight back.
I am ready to send my photo to my state legislator, with the words “Drugged and raped September 1, 2008. Rapist went free.”
Images last longer than words. My name will mean nothing to them. It will be forgotten. But my face. My eyes. Hopefully those will be remembered. Hopefully they will remember that we are real people whom justice has failed. And hopefully they will start making changes to the law.
I’m tired of being a faceless victim of the justice system. It wasn’t my fault.
A man drugged me. Kidnapped me. And raped me.
I did not do any of those things. I drank alcohol in a world I thought was safe. I was not wrong.
I was failed by many people. The failure of a man to control his desires. The failure of being given a chance to say no. And the failure of justice that never came.
And I am faceless no more.
Look at me.
Let my eyes burn into your soul to remind you to treat the next woman justly.
♦◊♦
Letters like this are wonderful at uniting an emotional support system among victims. But I also would like my letter to spur change.
So if you feel the desire, please follow my lead and send a photo of yourself to your state legislator. There is no need to even sign your name – faces will be more impactful. If enough of our faces stare at them, perhaps they will make a change.
I’ve noticed that women are often the ones who spur change in this area because it is a personal issue for them. They start campaigns. They fight for change. But I’ve also seen the support from many men, men who think this kind of disservice is revolting.
To those men, I ask you to join us by using their own voices to demand justice in their own communities. This is not just a woman’s issue. It is our issue. Every police department has rape kits that have never been touched. Every one of those kits represents a woman who is likely to have issues with trust and intimacy that affects not only her but every man she will ever interact with.
May we all seize the justice that we deserve. And may the sharing of our stories, our names, our faces force a better future for those women who come next.
We can and we must do better. We must do it together. Let’s take action now.
Contact your legislator. Let your voices ring in the minds of those who have the power to make a change.
◊♦◊
Photo Credit: Author
Bravo to you for telling your truth! Very brave and empowering…much respect!
This website should have more articles about men’s experiences.
Always open to articles and submissions. And we have written a lot on men’s experiences as victims. But I’m also going to say it. There are men on the other side of these women’s experiences. So. There’s that.
So you think men are never abused or raped and women never do anything wrong? This website has too much male bashing.
Appalling, isn’t it? In some departments, any excuse not to investigate a rape or prosecute the rapist will do.
I hope you split with that roommate. Toxic.
Women are not the only victims of rape.
Agreed & I apologize.
I meant to add males to my general discussion but I got so caught up in the emotion of the situation that I didn’t remember to add it before it was published. You are right. Many men have also been victimized and this issue needs attention as well.
I hate that our society ignores male victims, but you know what I hate worse? A woman apologizing for finally speaking out when such a thing occurred, when she’s been victimized not once, but twice, and when the very system that is suppose to protect her has turned its back on her, just as it does men. Yes, we men can feel resentment, but we also, as we begin to drop the lace curtain, begin to see eye to eye with female victims, promote that exact change. There is no reason for you to even have to write this, but… Read more »
Here here. Completely agree.
No they are not. Nor does this piece suggest that they are. This is a woman’s story about her experience with rape. Quite obviously.
Bravely told truth Lindsay. Thank you for writing this piece.
Hi, Lindsay. Thank you for sharing your story. It is really similar to mine, which I talk about a lot in my blog. I write about social issues and healing from trauma, mostly around rape. I was ignored when I reported immediately after my rape, and I went through PTSD, thinking my life was over and no one cared because I faced dismissal and victim-blaming from the legal system. I’m passionate about making changes, and that’s why I write what I write. I know how much courage it takes to tell your story and stand strong against those who would… Read more »
Thank you for voicing your support & blogging about the wrongs regarding victim shaming and the legal dismissal of crimes against women.
I’m sorry you suffered a situation similar to mine. Many women have come forward and have said the same.
It’s maddening.
And sad.
But we must keep fighting.
Be strong and keep writing.
Writing has been blamed for starting many revolutions.
You are brave, strong and inspiring. Thank you for sharing your story. Peace to you.
What about crimes against men? You don’t care about those, do you?
Let’s be honest, you don’t think men should be helped.