I Don't Need You

I don’t need you. I absolutely do not need you.

And yet, I might need you.

You know what year it is.

I make my own money, buy what I want, open my doors and know how to satisfy myself.

I may be the boss of you, outperform you, outrun you, and out earn you.

And yet, I consider the notion of needing you.

I wake in the night to the sounds of my home creaking and remember the safety of alarms and neighbors, cell phone and mace, and yet I might need you.

I am whole. I am fulfilled. I am strong.

There is a part of me yearning to find you. I am lonely even in times of sincere happiness; I am content in quiet moments and yet still feel the emptiness of your absence.

I’m not supposed to need you. I’m told not to need you.

I’m reminded there’s nothing I can’t do or hire to be done.

The still inky dark of the night calls me as I reach for you and remember I have yet to find you.

The ache of my heart reminds me you’re not here, not yet known, nor familiar.

You see me and I appear strong. I am together and healthy. I am content and surrounded by the fullness of life.

And yet, I want to need you.

I long to take you for granted and lament your shortcomings. I ache for the painful familiarity of your habits and the tedious routine of our lives together.

Divorced and single friends praise my ability to thrive solo. Bitter friends high five my freedom while cowards wink and nod their heads in approval of the perceived safety of my sovereignty over life.

And yet, I do need you.

Married women envy me. Single women fear me. Men don’t know what to make of me. I am a powerful woman walking solo in this world and yet,

I need you.

I am strong and I am not. I am weak in quiet moments of full satisfaction. I am empty in times of pure happiness. I am whole, I am definitely whole, and yet there is a primal part of me howling silently in the dark of the night filled with bone-crushing anguish as I admit to myself, I do need you.

Can you let me need you?

Photo Credit: Joshua Ness/Unsplash

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