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I keep hearing this. Every time ‘The Good Men Project’ comes up in conversation, especially to someone who hasn’t heard of us before, there is some variation of this theme: “It sure is an interesting time to be a man.”
The word “interesting” is said with a mix of fear, amusement, regret, and irony.
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A student who survived the recent mass shooting at Santa Fe High School said on network news: “It’s been happening everywhere. I’ve always kind of felt like eventually it was going to happen here too.”
In the article Patterns of Mass Shootings and a Conversation About Men, I talk about how, if you look at the patterns of mass shooters, there is often a catalyst moment before the shooting, a perceived crisis when the shooters identity as a man is threatened.
A writer for The Good Men Project posted on social media that she is so mad at the silence of people when it comes to mass shootings. She suggest people go to a local Moms Demand Action group—a great activist group for those who want to actually step up and make changes to our gun laws (or lack thereof).
What about Men Demand Action? Where is that group?
What if a man’s identity as a man was tied to actually helping to solve some of these seemingly insolvable problems of today, instead of the ‘you gotta have a beautiful girl, play sports, be the breadwinner, be strong, macho and like guns’ that society pushes on you?
What if your identity as a man was tied to kindness and community and collaboration?
What would that look like? How would the world change?
I am a woman. And yes, women’s identities as a woman get threatened too. And the results are sometimes just as catastrophic. Women are known, not for shooting up crowds of people, but—in the most unfathomable of crimes–they are known for killing their own children. Sometimes, like shooters, they kill themselves in the process. A women’s identify is tied strongly to her role as mother. When that role goes awry, we see the same catastrophic results as when a man’s identity is threatened. A woman’s identity is also tied up in unrealistic beauty standards, and not saying “no” (especially to men.) Have you seen women being shamed, say at Oscars, for having once been beautiful but no longer are? Ask Kim Novak. Bullied and shamed because she wasn’t beautiful enough at age 81. No, women don’t pick up a gun and start shooting when that happens. But the harm is still there.
This is not a “butwhattabout the women” moment, but a way to express solidarity with men. We get it. We know what it is like to have social pressures be so strong that they cause a crisis of identity.
We ask ourselves the same questions: What if our identities as women weren’t tied to being the perfect mom, or looking beautiful all the time, or never saying no? What if our identities were tied to being smart, logical, tech-savvy, and fearless? What would the world look like then?
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“It sure is an interesting time to be a man.” It sure is. But the interesting piece is not that men are being accused of wrongdoing or shooting up crowds of people at alarming rates—although clearly we must take note of both of those. The interesting thing is we are cracking the idea of what it means to be a man wide open. Opening up the man-box as we say. Being a man today can be anything you want. We hope it means flexible about what your “role” is. Flexible about what gender and sexuality means. We hope that means inclusive and kind and standing up for all kinds of equality.
But you tell us. What does it mean to be a man today?
We find that…interesting.
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Lisa, I appreciate your work with men; it is sorely needed. However, you are unwittingly promoting a view that men are not invested in the world around them, in their families, and in their relationships. Yes, men don’t have a collective presence, and maybe that’s what you mean. But history is full of the works of good men. Yet, we are still the targets of feminist’s rants. Maybe we are tired of investing, only to have our efforts thrown back in our faces. If our best has not been good enough for you now, what makes you think you will… Read more »
Thanks for commenting Carlos. The men that we see at The Good Men Project are most certainly invested in the world around, in their families, and in relationships. There are no “hoops” that I can see, only the combined efforts of those who want to understand the way the world is changing and navigate that change together.