Jasmine Peterson is somewhat annoyed that it took her 27 years to learn about polyamory.
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I am going to be candid. I, at the age of 27, only recently discovered myself to be polyamorous. I think I’ve been approaching this realization for a couple of years, but it suddenly leapt out to me with a clarity I’d not had before, just about a month ago. And what a relief it was to name that thing that was there all along.
Of course, the relief was short lived because the conversations that ensued, particularly those with my monogamous, long term partner, were difficult, and sometimes heated, volatile even. I don’t blame him for his initial reaction—his anger, sadness, bewilderment, uncertainty. I can see how it might be unsettling to discover that you’re in a relationship with a polyamorous woman six years into your relationship; likewise, it’s difficult to discover yourself to be polyamorous six years into a monogamous, committed relationship.
And you know—I’m kind of angry. I’m angry that we live in a culture that dictates monogamy as the only viable relational style; which repeatedly, demonstrably, and volubly dismisses all other relationship styles as illegitimate, wrong, and harmful. I hadn’t even a word with which to label my inclinations until a few years into my university career (which also happened to be a few years into my committed relationship), so how could I possibly know or name it for myself?
So I’m angry. I’m also happy that I’ve had this epiphany and realized why my relationships always went so awry, and why I found it impossible to remain in a relationship with just one other person. In fact, my current relationship is the only one that comes to mind in which I didn’t ‘step out’. I once, when I was much younger, dated two men at once (it wasn’t a polyamorous relationship, as only one of my partners knew of the other). Aside from having to be secretive with one of my partners, I really enjoyed dating two men at once and was content with this situation. It suited me. How did I not know sooner? (Again, not having had the language for it, being steeped in cultural discourse that suggests that anything outside of monogamy is egregiously wrong, it’s little wonder it took me so long to make this discovery about myself).
We are inevitably shaped by our culture, and through culture we are given the language to describe our world and construct our knowledge of it. Growing up there were discussions about homosexuality. I had a knowledge of and language for transgenderism. Bisexuality was discussed in sexual education classes. There is even an acronym that brings attention to the issues people who identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, or queer. And I certainly don’t want to undermine these minority groups or their experiences; they are still subjected to vitriol, violence, hatred, and human rights violations. We still live in a heteronormative culture that views the LGBT community as disparate. But even still, these were orientations and identities that were on my radar, I had a language for them, I could empathize with them, and advocate for their rights.
Polyamory, however, was not something I’d heard spoken of. The idea that a person can love only one intimate partner—that a person must relate to, be faithful to, and love only one person at a time—is ingrained into most of us from the time we’re toddlers. Monogamy is generally considered the only acceptable relationship style. Infidelity ends up being big news (especially when a political figurehead is involved—like talk of impeaching a president for his infidelity, while us Canadians are stuck with a Prime Minister who was the leader of the first ever federal government to be held in contempt of Parliament. Because sex outside of marriage is clearly far more contemptible than an undemocratic process), while the predominant sentiment is criticism of the philanderer, people don’t really seem to want to question culturally imposed monogamy. They hold dear sayings like: “If you love two people at the same time, choose the second one, because if you really loved the first, you wouldn’t have fallen for the second.” In fact, someone quoted this saying just the other day and I wanted to scream “NO, it doesn’t mean that at all. It doesn’t mean you didn’t love the first person. Maybe it means that you’re polyamorous. Maybe it means that you have the capacity to love more than just one human being at a time. Maybe it means that love is expansive. Maybe it means that monogamy isn’t for everyone.”
Like I said—I’m angry. But I also feel liberated to be able to finally identify myself as polyamorous, to finally understand and acknowledge that aspect of myself. I wish I’d had this knowledge before falling in love with a die-hard monogamist. Not that I wouldn’t have embarked on a relationship with him regardless, but I now have to quell that desire and sometimes it’s a struggle. The discourses of loving relationships available to me at the time we began dating were limited, which in turn limited my ability to be honest with myself or with him about my relational proclivities. So forgive me if I’m feeling resentful of a culture that allowed me, even encouraged me, to deny a part of who I am for 27 years of my life.
I don’t often divulge such intimate details about myself for all the internet to read, but I think it is important to set a discourse in motion that recognizes polyamory as a legitimate relational style, and that allows people to begin thinking differently about the variety of ways in which people can relate. I see these conversations happening already, but there needs to be more visibility; we need to get to a place where there is a common language for people to draw on so that monogamy isn’t considered the only viable option and people can explore their relational styles more honestly. Research has cited infidelity as a major reason for divorce among married couples, which makes me wonder if it is the monogamy that is imposed upon us that is part of the problem, which leads people to seek additional relationships in secrecy because of fear of judgment.
Not everyone is made for monogamy (and that’s not to say that there is anything wrong with those for whom monogamy works; it’s certainly one way to relate), so providing a culturally acknowledged language on which people can draw that includes styles in addition to monogamy has the potential to allow people to more honestly relate to others, rather than being forced into monogamy and ending up unfaithful. Of course, it is important not to conflate polyamory with infidelit—polyamory is a very open and honest means of relating in which all partners must be consenting, their feelings considered, and their desires and/or discomfort acknowledged. And I wish I’d had this discourse available to me sooner.
Just like the gender binary, the binary for romantic relationships (monogamy = good, anything else = bad) is harmful and inhibiting. Let’s open our minds and our hearts and recognize (healthy consenting) love for what it is, in all of its shapes and forms.
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You might also like:
Poly Is. Poly Isn’t. A Basic User’s Guide, Part 1
Poly Is. Poly Isn’t. A Basic User’s Guide, Part 2
Five Things You Might Now Know About Polyamory
Read more from our special “Polyamory” section.
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My worry is that the only way a relationship of a poly person and a mono person can only end in splitting up. I waited to have sex until I got married at 26, and now I’m 35 and very much regret that decision. I don’t know if I’m poly, per se, but I’d like to at least explore the possibility. My wife, however, is not open to it at all. I feel like we’re in a situation where we can’t win. If we break up, we’re hurt. If we stay together, either she hurts because I wasn’t monogamous with… Read more »
So I have debated this with myself for the last year and a half. I had a lover who initially after wanting to be exclusive, decided he couldn’t because of jealousy issues. He decided, didn’t ask. I still stayed along for another year and a half. He told me we couldn’t discuss who each other was sleeping with, which just led to a weird awkwardness, where I never knew what to say, and he acted like he didn’t care (even though he told me, he didn’t care what i did, but he cared about me) and he never wanted to… Read more »
I appreciate differing views and lifestyles, and have a generally liberal view towards most things. With that said, you’re 27 – you don’t have an f’ing clue about life yet.
Let me give you a little seminar in anthropology. Like other species we are inherently programmed to propogate and continue the species. You will find no study ever done that concludes that the best family model is one based on polyamorary. Monogamy between one female mother and one male father biologically connected and committed to one another has proven through several milennia without exception to be the best model for raising children. Raising each succeding generation of children in a stable and responsible enviroment serves the interests of the species. Everything other model fails to serve propagation of the species… Read more »
I’m pretty well through Saxon’s Sex at Dusk and I think it’s a good counterbalance to Ryan’s Sex at Dawn. One thing it demonstrates very vividly is that mothers’ parenting is instinctive, where fathers’ is partly conditioned by social norms at best. Men and women are genetically at odds, but monogamish is pretty much the best solution. I repeat Saxon in saying “monogamish” because plenty of people do break monogamy (or polygyny – pertains to much of the world) norms. (More societies allow for multiple wives than don’t.) This includes many women of course. The way Saxon puts it, women… Read more »
By the way, as someone is somewhat poly by nature, I think the promiscuous use of the word “cheating” is akin to using “perversion” for gay-lovemaking.
Ew. Do us all a favour and crawl back under your rock.
I don’t know if that was intended for me, but it’s ignorant. Is it even mentioning the word “perversion” (which used to be used by professionals for gay lovemaking,) or is it the idea that the concept of cheating is problematized. And I don’t know who “us all” is. I’ve been coming here for a while, so maybe it’s me and some others; maybe it’s you and some others. Who knows? One of the hidden problems with the current take on sexual freedon is that it is required to take place under the banner of heteronormative-like coupling, or else be… Read more »
My comment was for “courage the cowardly dog.”
Don Draper anyone? haha i always think Don Draper character in Mad Men is not a jerk, hes actually a good man with kind heart. Hes just polyamorious and cannot settle with just one woman.
to me its just a label for something thats always existed…sounds to me like most people would call an “open” relationship…..labels are overrated….i agree with Jasmine that cheating is not even close to the same thing…..as long as all parties involved are aware and accept the relationship it is no one else’s business……how can you even compare the two terms…. the ignorance and shortsightedness that most ppl in general is the reason for any type of relationship other than monogamy to be dismissed and shamed…..i am glad you found who you are and are happy…..isn’t that what ultimately everyone wants?… Read more »
oh one more thing….it is absolutely possible to love more than one person at a time. if someone disagrees, in my opinion, they just haven’t had that true experience yet….regardless of lifestyle/relationship preference it is absolutely possible.
Maggie, you sound like anybody on one end of a spectrum talking to somebody on the opposite end. Like a gay man telling a straight man, “You just haven’t found the right man yet,” or a straight man telling a gay man he hasn’t found the right woman. Both are equally absurd. I’m polyamorous. For a long time I believed that everyone was naturally at least somewhat poly; we were just culturally repressed. There was hope! But I have met people for whom monogamy was not a choice. It was really truly the way they were. Introduction of a new… Read more »
Or maybe you are more in love with the idea of being in love with two people
Thank you so much, Maggie! It is nice to get kind, supportive words. 🙂 It’s been an interesting journey from the time I discovered it and labeled it up to the point where I’m at now. Reactions have been mixed, and it hasn’t been the easiest of journeys, but I love who I am and I have found that most people are pretty accepting and non-judgmental. And you are right – anybody, regardless of their orientation or how they identify, can certainly love more than one person. My now ex (who is staunchly monogamous), encountered this very dilemma when he… Read more »
Well, isn’t that the ironic twist! I think you can have a movie deal on this one.
My life felt very much like a soap opera for several months! I wrote a piece shortly after he revealed his infidelity to me, but GMP has yet to publish (or reject) it. 🙂
Yes, my wife was quicker than me to accept it. She sais I am exactly the same guy, I am only aware of it now. The last time exclusivity was challenged for me was in grade school. Even then it made no sense to me that only one was allowed. Two girls expressed interest in me and my outlook was that I liked them both. That didin’t fly with either of the girls so my grade four solution was that you must have to deal with this sort of thing chronologicaly. Other wise everyone would be with first person they… Read more »
I realy identified with your anger. Learning something that big about yourself when your 27 is a surprise. I was 33 and not only in a long term relationship, we have been married for 7 years. I remember being beside myself for weeks with the question “How could I have missed this?” I agree, no examples and no vocabulary surounded in our culture as it is. I was wondering what made you realize? For me I fell in love with a longtime friend and eventualy reconized it as the same kind of long term building blocks I share with my… Read more »
I actually had moved away from home, started graduate school, and just spent a lot of time being really introspective and self-reflective this past year. I went to a live show one night by myself, and met a guy that I really hit it off with. We exchanged phone numbers, even though I made it clear that I was in a relationship and wasn’t looking for anything more than maybe having a friend in this place where I knew nobody, and had nobody. We talked, but it was clear he was interested in more than what I was willing to… Read more »
I discovered that I am polyamourous. But this title is still not acceptable in a predominantly monogamous world. Just like weed legalization, I suppose i’ll have to wait!
You know, I was afraid, given that I’ve recently started dating, that it would be difficult and that men would really be dissuaded by my status as polyamorous. However, my experiences haven’t been so bad. I’ve had some interesting conversations, and a lot of men don’t consider me a viable dating option (because they’re monogamous), but there was even one individual who decided he was interested in trying polyamory. There are people out there who are open to the idea, or who are poly friendly. 🙂
Although it’s possible to love more than one person at the same time, for most poly people, it’s not about true love, it’s about intellect. It’s a game. It’s for white, educated, middle-class, heterosexual people who convince themselves it’s *necessary* to be in love with two or more people but in actual fact they’re in love with *one* person and want to fuck others without cheating. Which is fine but if it’s about sex, don’t lie to yourselves. And don’t claim it’s something it isn’t. Oh, and don’t evangelate. Its very unbecoming.
I can only assume that you do not identify as polyamorous. It is *not* all about the sex. It is about intimate connections (and those don’t always involve sex). That’s like saying that to have more than one close friend is greedy, and that really, you can’t have more than one really close friend, so all the others are just fillers. That’s not only a dismal view of life, but it is absolutely 100% inaccurate in explaining what polyamory is or means to me (or any of the other polyamorous persons I know). I have been in love with more… Read more »
I disagree entirely. My reasons, not the least of which being I am a brown, educated, middle class, heteroflexible (I’m like a 2 on the Kinsey scale, and do have a female partner), person who actually is in love with all of her partners. Full on, can’t imagine not being with these people, in love. The sex part is, well, none of your business, but I’m pretty sure I define sex differently from you. This isn’t a game to me, it’s my life, and my life would be incomplete without my loves.
Interesting point about choice. However, for me I don’t feel that I choose to be polyamorous. It’s just something that’s there, and it’s something that’s always been there. It’s an inclination, one that I can recognize in retrospect as far back as I can remember. I would be the first to argue that people aren’t incapable of monogamy (given that I am polyamorous, but in a monogamous relationship). And for me, that’s where choice comes in. Although it’s my inclination to be in a polyamorous relationship, I choose to remain in a monogamous one. Also, the part of the sentence… Read more »
I ask this out of curiosity, not in any way to discount your experience or invalidate your self-definition or anything like that. I’m mostly just curious about where you see the boundaries between polyamory and other orientations. If you started in a monogamous relationship and came to realize you are polyamorous, but have not yet been in a polyamorous relationship, then how do you know you are polyamorous? (Again, I’m not challenging you at all, just wondering about what you see as the “evidence,” for lack of a better word.) I can imagine other people in a similar situation being… Read more »
wellokaythen, that’s actually a reasonable question, and one I’ve gotten quite a lot. I did touch on it a little in the article, that I have been in a relationship with more than one person at a time. It was not polyamorous because only one of my partners knew of the other. Aside from the secrecy of it, I loved everything else about that experience. I hated, though, having to be secretive. So that was really the beginning of my inclinations, although I never really began to think about them. While that wasn’t pure polyamory (you know, lack of consent,… Read more »
I’m in a polyamorous relationship, and I do agree that if the option was more openly talked about and discussed, there would be a lot fewer unhappy monogamous relationships and a lot more happy polyamorous ones! But I don’t really like your description of polyamory OR monogamy as an innate orientation rather than a lifestyle choice. You say that you consider yourself polyamorous because you “have more than passing attractions for people, and I have more than transient lust for other people”. That isn’t what makes you polyamorous – that just makes you human! What makes someone polyamorous is simply… Read more »
This.
I have had a variety of monogamous and polyamourous relationships. There are aspects of each I enjoy. What kind of relationship I enter depends on the dynamic between myself and my partner and what we’re comfortable with. We’ve also been known to change our minds back and forth within the relationship if we felt like an ‘open’ or ‘closed’ period would be best for us at the time.
I think that’s wonderful – the doing what feels right in the moment. I’m wondering, though, do you consider yourself polyamorous, in general? And if so, do you consider yourself polyamorous, even when you choose to be in a monogamous relationship? I’m merely curious, because I think how people self-identify is intriguing.
I don’t think I’m polyamorous in general so much as I’m just confused. I swing back and forth; I couldn’t choose a side definitively. So I guess you could say I don’t self-identify as far as this goes. I just roll with whatever satisfies my needs at the time.
Thanks for such a thoughtful answer. I think I see the difference now.
Hi Julie:
From my reply above: Also, the true test of polyamory personality type (the definative author on this topic is Deborah Anapol) is your equanimity in the face of your partner choosing a lover/other intimate. Have you experienced that yet? And does your heart stay open?
I’m pretty shocked at all the comment backlash this article is getting. In no way does Jasmine want to force anyone to do anything, she just wants to do what she feels is right for her. If she can’t find anyone who wants to be polyamrous with her (this won’t happen, trust me), then maybe she will have to rethink how she wants to live her life. But if she finds guys willing to try this with her, how can we possibly object. Jasmine, I hope all these comments haven’t made you rethink at all. I’m not a polyamorous guy… Read more »
Thanks so much, Maxamillian. Those words, even though from a stranger, mean a great deal to me. I have been really struggling with what this means for me. Only slightly related to my self-discovery, my life sort of recently imploded in a big way. Sorting through it now, so words of support really help me to remember that I need to recognize my own needs in life. I certainly don’t want to push polyamory on anyone, because I understand that it isn’t for everyone. And I’ve done monogamy, so I respect that that works for many people. I’m just trying… Read more »
Np. I found your article really interesting, and if I was your friend and you expressed this to me I’d find it really interesting. There’s not a lot of people who are brave enough to truly follow what they feel and even post it in a public forum. Frankly, I find it impressive.
Did you life “imploding” have anything to do with your realization? Or was it something unrelated?
From a comment you made above I feel like your boyfriend may have cheated on you? Now I’m really intrigued, can you give me the juicy details?
I’m a pretty open person, but ‘talking’ publicly about something considered so taboo was pretty terrifying. Fortunately, I’ve got some wonderful friends who were really supportive. And there have been some wonderful strangers who’ve made it much easier, as well! 🙂
Stay tuned for the story of the implosion of my life. I did submit a piece just this evening that explores what happened. It was marginally (although not really) related to my realization. I really vacillated on whether or not to submit it or not, but do hope that it also offers some insight into monogamy/polyamory. 🙂
Excited to read :o)
In case you didn’t catch it, Maxamillian, here was my followup piece:
https://goodmenproject.com/sex-relationships/mandatory-monogamy-doesnt-work-either/
I feel like I may be polyamorous as well. I’m married and a father and would never want to end my marriage to pursue life as a single man for base sexual gratification. But that’s not what I feel when I think that I may be polyamorous. I don’t think it has much at all to do with simple sexual pleasure because I have plenty of simple sexual pleasure with my wife. I do, however, feel that I have desires to flirt, to be romantic with other women, to have sex with other women and engage in a loving relationship… Read more »
Jon,
if your wife came to you and had a similar desire (to be with additional men) and it meant you could explore polyamory for you as well, would you be ok with the mutualness of the situation?
I honestly do feel that I could find my comfort level with that should she have the same feelings. As with anything like this within a marriage it takes honesty and consent so I believe we would have to set ground rules of course, but yes, I do think we could work out an arrangement and be comfortable with it. I would not be interested in having children with other women and would probably only be attracted to a woman who either already has children or does not want them. I would probably be more focused on older women, same… Read more »
Please feel free to email me at [email protected] if you want resources. Best of luck.
Julie,
Thanks for the offer, I think I may take you up on it. It’s funny how I’ve spent time on women’s blogs, reading women’s articles and looking for an outlet to connect with a woman who can offer insight and advice, but I find one on a men’s site! Irony.
What if those other women also want kids? Could you handle 3 families?
Jon, I really appreciate you sharing your own self-discovery. I know exactly how daunting that can be (even with the anonymity of the internet). What you’ve expressed feeling is very similar to how I feel. Polyamory isn’t necessarily about sex. I can see myself having additional romantic relationships that are completely asexual in nature, or ones that are also sexual. But really, it’s the idea of the connections, intimately knowing others, having more than one romantic partner (because different people bring different things forth to a relationship). I would never presume to offer advice, but I will say that for… Read more »
I have to say, although I’m open minded about what orher people do, if my boyfriend told me he wanted to try an open relationship or polyamory, I would probably tell goodbye and god bless. If my husband told me, I’d want to have a serious discussion about divorce. I think for myself, I don’t have a great urge for sexual relationships with more than one man, but if my bf/husband was sleeping with other women, I wouldn’t want to sit at hine feeling like a chump. As a 45 year old woman, I don’t think finding a bunch of… Read more »
I’m glad you point out the distinction that polyamory is not always about sex. Because I feel something is lacking in my life, an intimate relationship with a female who is not my wife. This is not a sexual drive, it is a desire for me to have intimacy, discussion, sharing and seeking advice from a woman with whom I trust and in a way, love. Other than my mother, the wives of my friends and my female relatives, I have no woman in my life who I can call a friend. I don’t feel comfortable talking about my relationship… Read more »
That sounds very similar to how I envision polyamory. I can’t say that I would never want to have a sexual relationship with another man, but I yearn for that additional connection. I think that a lot of people consider polyamory selfish, but I don’t view it thus. I’ve even been called ‘greedy’ for my desire to have more than one partner. But I think there is something wonderful about finding intimacy with another (or multiple other) human beings. And given that relationships are often a lot of hard work, a lot of compromise, I feel as though polyamory is… Read more »
I think in some ways we can be more open to the opposite sex specifically when discussing sex or our sexual orientation. I would be much less likely to feel judged and misunderstood by a woman. Don’t know why, just kind of a gut feeling. I’m sure I would have the ear of a male friend or two and that they would not actually judge me. But I fear that kind of emotional vulnerability being exposed to a man. And more specifically with sex, the only people who have sex with straight men are women, so I think a woman… Read more »
The value of poly-intimacy is indeed the abilty to discover more of ourselves (the best and worst, by the way). THis quote could easily say, lovers vs friends. “Each friend represents a world in us, a world not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.” Anais Nin. Julie, I am curious how you know you are poly when you are 27 years old in an admittedly 6 year monogamous union…are we to assume that from say, 15 to 21 you went through enough relationships to learn than you are capable… Read more »
Everyone seems to forget that polyamory always existed… For men. That is, for generations, probably for millenia, married men were allowed to sleep around with other women if they had the opportunity, and even in times when it was frowned on, everyone pretty much looked the other way. Men commonly had mistresses or visited prostitutes. Women were the ones forced to be monogamous, at risk of severe sanctions, even death. The point of marriage was for a man to economically support a woman and children. As long as he did that, he could have other women on the side. Women… Read more »
Your description of “polyamory” that’s always existed for men just sounds like cheating – not polyamory. “Sleeping around” is not the defining characteristic of polyamory, whether it’s a man or a woman doing it. It’s about having more than one intimate relationship at a time, which often includes sex, but going to a prostitute or getting laid on the side behind a partner’s back doesn’t count.
Granted, that’s true, although from what i understand, there is a continuum from swinging (casual relationships) to open marriages to true polyamory (committed relationships) with some polyamoroys couples also engaging in casual encounters sometimes, and swingers developing long term relationships sometimes. In the past, men might have long term mistresses, “kept women” or even favorite prostitutes they saw regularly.
Yes, and women might have cheated too. What’s the point? The people engaged in ethical non-monogamy now are focused on the open communication and mutual expectations of how this will work for them.
All I’m saying us that women are just doing what men have always done – having multiple sexual relationships.
But the way you’re saying it sure sounds like men have been cheating forever, so now women are too, and you seem to be calling *that* polyamory, which is not remotely what it means to people engaged in ethical non-monogamy, as Julie says.
Yes, the imputation against males as having the monopoly on polyamory doesn’t really jive with me. PEOPLE have been unfaithful across time and place. Not just men. It may have been more acceptable and open for males, but it doesn’t mean it was males who were the only ones who had multiple relations. Also, I don’t really like the implication that women are becoming more comfortable identifying as polyamorous because men have always been cheaters (paraphrasing, and probably poorly). That’s not it. There have been cultures in which women have traditionally taken on multiple husbands, if we really want to… Read more »
This was not well-articulated. Polyamory and infidelity are not equivalent.
But, Jasmine, you had explained that you even had a “polyamorous” relationship, but not all members knew it existed, by your statement above, you were just a cheater, and I can start to get nasty and argue that you have just created this reason to get get rid of your shame and guilt for your past actions, and your current thoughts. But, those aren’t my true thoughts on this subject. I agree with Sarah here, men have been doing this for a very long time, and some women too, but now women are able to talk about it more freely,… Read more »
As i understand it, polyamory existed in the matriarchy societies too, way before the history of the patriarchy. There continue to be polyamorous societies and again my understanding is that it is sanctioned for a man to take more than one wife when he can provide the energy and resources to do so and that there are strong customs and practices that regulate the relationships in order to keep blood lines strong. Of course, there are always those who are flimsy in their approach and many suffer. Being a polyamorous person is much more than a sexual practice, as i… Read more »
That is absolutely how it feels for me – that this is just inherently part of who I am. Interestingly, I’ve been in a monogamous relationship as I’ve discovered this about myself, so even though I’ve not had the opportunity to explore polyamory since coming to this realization, it’s still how I identify (which perhaps illustrates the complexity of orientations and self-identifying). 🙂 The really interesting thing about this situation is that I came out to the internet world before telling any of my family. And even still, those who’ve not read this piece, are probably still in the dark… Read more »
Thank you for posting this! It seems like, for many, polyamory *is* a relationship orientation that is ingrained – as much as sexual orientation. Have you experienced much push-back from people who feel its more of a lifestyle choice?
I was probably born “poly,” also. I’m currently in a relationship with a strongly monogamous woman, so I don’t practice it. I think I can properly be seen as “biogamous,” actually. Occasionally, I’ll fall in love with another woman, but it often won’t lead to sex. It has in the past, however. One very nice affair lasted for six years. I’m not comfortable with more than one extra lover (I’ve tried this,) and don’t care for some of poly-culture. Too much talk about the other relationships is irritating. Too much talk about feelings of jealousy, etc. is a downer too.… Read more »
Interesting perspective. I find talking to important in any type of relationship, polyamorous or otherwise. Even talking about feelings. Of course, you don’t want to beat the topic to death, but just as long as all partners are being heard and having their needs met, I think the amount of talking isn’t necessarily important. I’m curious to know in what way cheating works better for you? I’ve done the cheating thing and for me it never worked – for me or my partner. I always ended up feeling awful, and it always got back to my partner. Even if I… Read more »
I had the advantage of living and working in two separate cities. “Cheating” in a weird way seems to preserve “boundaries” between the primary relationship and the other one. Strangely, when I was an open poly, the relationship was always sabotaged by someone other than me. In one, the partner of the woman I was involved with pulled out– taking her with him. In two others, my sense was that my secondary relationship wanted me to dump my primary.
I probably could be an open poly, but I think I don’t trust others along these lines.
That’s an interesting perspective. I suppose it is informed by complications in your previous poly relationships? I couldn’t endure the secrecy of cheating; I’ve done it, and always felt horrible and guilty. In my relationship with my current partner, I always feel compelled to be truthful and honest, and knowing that infidelity is a deal-breaker for him, I just couldn’t do it.
I’m 26 and I too wish I knew about Polyamory before it snuck up on me.
Like other’s have said, I can kinda understand the guys knee-jerk reaction. I myself had similar feelings but I suppressed them and decided to think/research more into it as opposed to flying off the hook.
It is somewhat of a shock to the system to find out someone you thought you were exclusive to is seeing others. That being said, I never asked about it but that’s because I didn’t *know* it existed.
I certainly understand my partner’s reaction, and your own. We entered our relationship more than six years ago based on an understanding that we would be monogamous. I’m not seeing anyone else, and won’t as long as he’s uncomfortable with it. But even the acknowledgement that this is part of who I am has been difficult for him. We’re still traversing what this means for us. People who identify as polyamorous are going to practice that in different ways, but for me it is about openness and honesty. I would never have additional partners without first discussing it with my… Read more »
I support responsible polyamory as just as valid a choice as responsible monogamy. (I say responsible, because sneaking around cheating on one’s partner isn’t really polyamory; it’s cheating.) Just out of curiosity, and because this is where discussion seems to break down, do you think it’s possible for someone to mis-identify as polyamorous? Are there people who try it as an experiment and it fails because they’re not really sufficiently made for it? A related question: how does one know that being polyamorous is the issue in one’s failed relationships and not something else? (I’m not saying you’re wrong. Just… Read more »
I think these are all excellent questions and great points. I, too, support responsible relating whatever the relational style. This is why I place so much emphasis on consent, because consent requires openness, honesty, and clear communication. This is a requisite for any relationship, whether it be monogamous, polyamorous, or nonromantic. I would say that it is possible to misidentify as pokyamorous, but I would also contend that it probably doesn’t happen very often. Polyamory is a peripheral relational style, and so I think it takes a great deal of self-reflection and conscious consideration to even identify as poly. I… Read more »
“What Does Polyamory Look LIke?”is an attempt to help educate people about their options! I wrote it in response to a request from my church (Unitarian Universalist) for a curriculum to help our congregations welcome people in diverse family forms, and am also using it to help introduce counselors and health care workers to polyamory. It emphasizes that all honest, loving forms of relationships, including monogamy, are wonderful for people who choose them. But if we don’t know there are options, how can we freely choose monogamy! It works for lots of people. But just as lots of my gay… Read more »
You might want to check out amazon’s look-inside feature on “What Does Polyamory Look LIke?” – and if you decide to read it, I’d love feedback! I wrote it in response to a request from my church (Unitarian Universalist) for the core of a curriculum to help our congregations welcome people in diverse family forms, and am also using it to help introduce counselors and health care workers to polyamory. It emphasizes that all honest, loving forms of relationships, including monogamy, are wonderful for people who choose them. But if we don’t know there are options, how can we freely… Read more »
Thanks. Once this semester is over, I’ll try and give that a read! I think it’s really important people to know they have choices, rather than getting into a relationship and realizing it doesn’t work for them.
You might want to check out amazon’s look-inside feature on “What Does Polyamory Look LIke?” – and if you decide to read it, I’d love feedback! I wrote it in response to a request from my church (Unitarian Universalist) for the core of a curriculum to help our congregations welcome people in diverse family forms, and am also using it to help introduce counselors and health care workers to polyamory. It emphasizes that all honest, loving forms of relationships, including monogamy, are wonderful for people who choose them. But if we don’t know there are options, how can we freely… Read more »
“So forgive me if I’m feeling resentful of a culture that allowed me, even encouraged me, to deny a part of who I am for 27 years of my life.” Don’t compare yourself with homosexuals. No one is born monogamous, its a choice, its a sacrifice most of us make to in order to achieve something greater. You may blame society and feel sorry for your poor unprogressive bf, but to me it sounds more like you want to friendzone him to hop back on the c**k carousel, without losing safety of having a poor sucker back at home to… Read more »
I’m not comparing myself to any group. I’m suggesting that heteronormativity is similar to the culturally prescribed monogamy to which we’re expected to adhere. I’m not blaming anyone for anything. I’m merely elucidating that the dominant discourse is limited and limiting. Your comment belies the cultural misconceptions about polyamory. Polyamory isn’t about sex, but about relating. Sometimes intimate relationships develop into sexual ones, but this isn’t always the case and being polyamorous does not equate with a desire for more sex. I love and respect my partner, and I respect that he OS not comfortable with nonmonogamy. It is rhetoric… Read more »
Nice Sophistry, blame it on the evil Harper!
I’m not sure what you’re implying I’m blaming on Harper?