Jasmine Peterson was polyamorous, her husband wasn’t… guess which one cheated.
It has been nearly a year since I had an epiphany and came to the realization that I am, by nature, polyamorous—six years into a monogamous relationship. There were several well-wishers who were curious to know how this would turn out for me. Just three short months after coming out as polyamorous to my partner (and the internet), my life took a tremendous turn, relationship-wise, I thought I’d follow up. If you haven’t read about my self-discovery, you can read it here to give you a little background on my story.
The comments that I received, from commenters at GMP and from friends and family, were mixed; some were really supportive but others less so (i.e., hostile and even a bit derogatory, at times). In particular, my long-term monogamous partner of six years really struggled in coming to terms with my identifying as polyamorous. And I understood that, of course. But what I’ve discovered is that I’m not alone in making this self-discovery well into a committed, long-term, monogamous relationship. In fact, through the supportive comments of commenters here at GMP, I discovered that there were a number of others struggling with very similar situations (and thank you for that, to all of you who also shared your experiences; it really legitimized what I was going through). And the more I heard from people who said “You know, I’m going through something very similar right now” the more I knew that talking about this so publicly was the right thing to do (even if terrifying).
In our culture, monogamy is considered the only real, legitimate relationship style (heterosexual monogamy, in particular). I have noticed, in recent years, a proliferation of discussions about nonmonogamy in the media and at the cultural level. Sadly enough, these conversations often devolve into rhetorically vitriolic discussions based on misconceptions and ignorance in which nonmonogamy is vilified as being immoral and wrong. And this, I do firmly believe, is why it wasn’t until I was 27 that I was finally able to recognize that I, myself, am in fact polyamorous. And, this too, I believe, was why many of the commenters at GMP reported similar experiences, only discovering this of themselves later in life, while already in monogamous relationships (and even marriages) themselves.
And here is where the irony comes in. All of my monogamous detractors (just to clarify, this is not an imputation against all monogamous persons, by any means), who have suggested that polyamory is only about promiscuity, that it is based on an inability to commit to one human being, that it is somehow less than monogamy, let me tell you a story and explain away these misconceptions. Polyamory is about having the desire or capacity to engage in more than one relationship at a time – whether that be a sexual or purely romantic relationship would be up to the partners involved. It does not mean using the term as permission to have as much casual sex as you want (unless that is part of the understanding between partners). It does not mean cheating. The basis of polyamorous relationships should be open and honest communication. To me, that seems a beautiful, functional way to relate.
After divulging to my partner that I am polyamorous, we had many intense (and often unpleasant) conversations. Having entered into our relationship under the understanding that we were monogamous, I assured him that, although I am polyamorous, I was fully prepared to maintain that commitment and to remain monogamous with him. It doesn’t change how I identify. It really changes nothing at all about our relationship. There were many who, probably largely due to misconceptions of polyamory, thought that our relationship clearly couldn’t work out because I would never be able to remain faithful. You know, because I’m polyamorous. But the reason I am so drawn to polyamory is not merely the capacity to relate to more than one romantic partner, but the openness, the honesty of the communication that must occur. And consent.
Things got pretty rocky for us, after this revelation (although, looking back, he’d been a bit distant before finding out I was polyamorous; I just didn’t make the connection until afterward). He became even more distant over the following weeks. I was alone in another province attending graduate school, while he remained in our house. I began to wonder if he couldn’t handle my being polyamorous, even though I repeatedly let him know that I was committed to our relationship, which includes maintaining monogamy. I thought it was me. I struggled with my loneliness, and with the fear that we were growing distant, and that things wouldn’t work out after all.
Then, approximately six months ago (it was on our six and a half year anniversary, to the day), he finally filled me in on what was going on. He’d been unfaithful. For months. In fact, it had begun a couple of months before I had even discovered myself to be polyamorous that this illicit affair began. She was pregnant. Given how much value he had always placed in faithfulness, my world was shattered in that instant. I spent a month reeling from the news, trying to come to terms with all it, with what it meant, and with how I wanted to move forward. But I could not fail to see the irony in this situation (I guess it’s a good thing that I love irony, huh?). Even more ironic, I think it was my capacity to understand the ability to love more than one person that had allowed me to forgive him and to attempt to work toward reconciliation (although this is not at all polyamory, given that there was no openness, no honesty, and I was not consenting).
In the conversations that ensued, he asked me at one point “How can a ‘poly’ person be faithful, and a monogamous person be so disloyal?” I think I can answer that. We are coerced into monogamy, in this culture. It is the dominant discourse of what a relationship ought to be, and so anything outside of that is considered less, is peripheral, and becomes a non-option for most people. We are inculcated into monogamy. However, I would say most people have the capacity to be polyamorous. Because anything that falls outside of hegemony is shamed and denigrated, most people hang onto monogamy because they feel they must. Thus, when feelings develop for others, because it is considered to be shameful in terms of monogamous relationships, additional relationships are embarked upon in secrecy. There is shame. There is guilt. But there is not honesty. In saying this, I do want to be clear that I am not suggesting that monogamy isn’t also functional, or that all monogamous persons will become unfaithful. I’m merely suggesting that this can set the stage for affairs, unfaithfulness.
♦◊♦
Six months ago, when my ex first revealed to me that he had been having an affair with his boss, that his mistress was pregnant, my reaction was to forgive, to move forward. I’ve always been someone who resists change, but I’m also someone who believes that love doesn’t just happen; it’s something that we must constantly work at. There had been times in the past where I’d felt disengaged from the relationship or when he had talked about wanting out, but it seemed that through each of these times, one of us was always still in it, and it got us through a number of trials. So I held on… for a time. I had had a rough year (I can honestly assert that it was the worst year of my life, to date, given the number of tribulations I faced in the span of twelve months), and I wasn’t willing to lose one more thing in my life at that point. I booked a flight home, mere days after I wrote my last final examination. Just two days before I was scheduled to fly home, my now ex and I were conversing, and in the midst of that conversation, he had the audacity to blame his infidelity on me. While I was able to forgive his unfaithfulness, his deceit, his months of lying, I was not willing to accept blame for his actions. In retrospect, I can only thank him. I learned a lot about myself from this experience, and about what I want out of my relationships and life. I evolved, and was able to let go of a toxic relationship. I am now single, happier than I’ve been in years, and dating. And it has been wonderful.
If there is anything to take away from this, I think it is that honesty is (almost) always the best policy – for anybody, in any kind of relationship, with any sort of orientation.
Photo— banjo d/Flickr
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new reader. What may you suggest about your post that you
simply made some days in the past? Any sure?
Thank you for this thought-provoking and honest article. Much the reflect on, as someone in a 33 monogamous relationship. My wife’s just come out as a lesbian, but we want to stay together, so this IS one of our options, for the moment only on the horizon. We clearly locked ourselves into this ‘prison’, but there were indeed also pressure from society and environment: for my wife, a lesbian life-style was literally unthinkable, so not thought about.
I’d be very interested in learning how the dating is going with men, more specifically their reactions to your identifying as Poly.
Hmm, I’m not sure if I ought to write another piece detailing how that’s gone, or just fill you in here. I can say it’s been interesting and that I recently became half of a partnership. 🙂
Oh, do write another piece.
I think monogamy CAN be a choice (as in those who have poly inclinations but feel that that is deviant because of cultural mores who then choose to remain in monogamous relationships might make the choice to be monogamous), but that there are some for whom monogamy is natural and others for whom polyamory is natural. Nobody is saying that either relational style doesn’t take work or commitment. Nobody is saying that monogamy is less than polyamory (in fact, it has been iterated several times that that is exactly what is NOT being said). I am not denigrating monogamy or… Read more »
I’m tired of monogamy getting a bad rap too!!
http://thestir.cafemom.com/love_sex/143420/the_8_best_things_about
Monogamy is not coerced… it’s a “choice”…. Is Monogamy Natural or a Choice? The Love-Session Team finds out! When we think relationships, we automatically also think and assume monogamy. As a society, we have learned one person per relationship, which means we find someone we feel strongly for, get to know them for a little while and then focus on building a relationship with them- and only them. This all sounds beautiful and like the perfect plan, but can it really work for a lifetime or at least for a very long period of time? The answer to that is… Read more »
Both my husband & I went into our marriage 32 years ago as a monogamous couple. It is important to have communication and honesty in any relationship especially if you want to keep the sexual intimacy spark alive. All new relationships have that initial “gitty” feeling of something new not used before… but like with all relationships, that too will taper off and the relationship moves into a much deeper one surpasses that “honeymoon” phase or stage in a relationship if honesty and communication are truly there… I’m just tired of seeing articles about how monogamy is coerced or why… Read more »
There are words for things you’re talking about, and polyamorists are quite aware of them. For example, new relationship energy (NRE) and limerence are both factors in a new relationship that polyamorists discuss. No one has said monogamy is not a choice – quite the opposite, actually. Monogamy is a choice, and a difficult one at that. It’s a choice that is made every day, in spite of monotony, in spite of opportunity, in spite of resentments. That it is hard is what makes it worth celebrating. Cheating is violating agreed-upon rules. You can be monogamous and cheat or polyamorous… Read more »
Personally, everyone is sexually attracted to both sexes. Pansexual is more of a better description of human nature. Everything outside of that a “choice” but that is my perspective on sexual attraction vs born that way mentality.
First of all, I want to applaud you, Jasmine, for your courage and thoughtfulness- you have provoked quite a discussion! Like Nahmaah’s Daughter I am involved with two people, although we consider our relationship a triad. We aren’t swingers. We don’t cheat. Indeed, we are a quiet and loving family that spends most of our time at home cooking, reading, listening to music and engaging in other generally not-too-sexy behavior. We share a deep love and if anything ever happened to any of us the others would be devastated. I find myself in agreement with several of the above comments… Read more »
Wow, thanks for sharing! Your story is inspiring. I think people have this really strange idea about ‘enough’ (I know one of my ex’s first questions was “Why aren’t I enough?”). It’s not at all about being enough or not enough. Nobody asks someone who has two or three children why one wasn’t enough, so why is it so difficult to understand that having more than one partner isn’t about one or the other not being enough but simply about the fact that love is expansive and different people bring different qualities to the relationship? And I know, someone is… Read more »
I agree with Nahmaah’s Daughter on this good for you knowing yourself and willing to be honest. When my first husband told me he had been cheating on me since six months into our marriage and that he only wanted me to have babies and cover him (he was struggling with his gay orientation) I did everything I could to support him to be himself. I told him I was and had always been poly but had been monogamous the whole relationship though I had had opportunity not to be. I supported his continued relationships with men if I could… Read more »
Wow, thank you for sharing your story! It is good to know that there are others out there who have gone through something similar. It is interesting how much one learns about themselves going through such a situation. I really evolved through this situation and am now better equipped to make sure I get what I want and need out of life, in the future. And it gives me hope to know that there are other people who are in happy poly relationships!
I am have been wondering if the sex dwindles off and sometimes stops alltogether in poly relationships like like it does in monogamous (straight) relationships – my guess would be no it wouldn’t because there is more dynamics at play, more novelty etc.
Average monog rates I would propose as
2 years relationship – 1 – 2 week
5 yrs – 1 – 6 a month
5 + yrs with 2 kids below 10 – 1 – 3 ever 6 months.
These are guesses and conservative – also age & indvidual varitation play a role.
Thanks
I am a polyamorous woman (and a parent) in a stable “v” relationship. To answer GayStudent’s comment about ‘coming out’ – it is absolutely like coming out. My partners and I are very much NOT out except to a few trusted family members and friends, and it is not fun at all to explain why we are together all the time without tipping anyone off, watching our behavior in front of people that don’t know, and to loose out on simple pleasures like attending family celebrations together when only one of us would be expected to attend. And to answer… Read more »
Thank you so much for your comment, Nahmaah’s Daughter. It’s nice to hear from people for whom this is working, who have supportive words to impart! 🙂
I’m 21 and gay and I find it a little disconcerting and appropriating the way you talk about your “coming out” as polyamorous in a way that’s similar to the LGBT coming out process. To be quite honest, I’m a little offended. Being polyamorous is nothing like being queer. It’s a lifestyle, not an orientation. I support your right to live your life however you choose, but please stop trying to commandeer queer rhetoric that you have no right to.
I’m sorry you were offended. Whether polyamory is an orientation or a lifestyle or two different sides to the same coin is not really settled but I have heard from people who are both poly and gay or bi who describe the coming out as poly process as every bit as profound as queer coming out process. And often it happens separately, so it is pretty hard not to compare the two if you happen to be poly and not straight. I would encourage you to read more about it before judging others for commandeering queer rhetoric that you seem… Read more »
People once said that about homosexuality, you know (some continue to make that claim). You’re young, so I think you can be forgiven your ignorance of the shared challenges between poly and LGBTQ people that Bob points out.
I am sorry that my words have offended you. I am in no way attempting to appropriate queer culture. In fact, I am a huge advocate for the LGBTQ community, and I spend a great deal of time on issues facing the queer community. My intention is not to take anything away from you or your experiences. However, I have to say that being poly IS an orientation, and not just a lifestyle choice. I identify as poly, even when I’m in a monogamous relationship. I can do monogamy, and have done monogamy for a number of years, in spite… Read more »
Not to trivialize your experiences as an LGBT individual, but neither you, nor the LGBT community, have a lock on the term “coming out,” in reference to discovering that you are most comfortable living a lifestyle that is not widely known, let alone accepted, by mainstream society. This is not a playground, your preferred gender/sexual identity is not somehow awarded more or less special/trauma points than anyone else’s, so you get to take the Coming Out ball and go home. That’s not how this works. One’s experience in revealing themselves to be a 40-something polyamorous cissexual furry is just as… Read more »
You talk about polyamory as if it is some system that is easy to define or regulate…it just seems that there is so much deception that can be involved in either monogamy or polyamory…or whatever…plus people’s love feelings constantly change…how can you make rules about something that is constantly changing…
Carla Bruni, wife of Nicholas Sarcoszy, made a statement about polyamory in the past…of course, she is stunningly beautiful and quite confidant in making her own rules….although I’m sure her husband watches her like a hawk now….everything changes moment to moment….
I think rules, boundaries, in any relationship are essential precisely *because* things can change. My feelings do change; we are constantly evolving. I cannot say that what I want today is what I’m going to want in a year, a month, a week, a day, or even an hour. And that’s why communicating is important, and maintaining those rules or boundaries of being open and honest are important. Sure, what I want right now might not be what I want tomorrow, but when it changes, if I communicate that, then there is a better chance of adeptly traversing what that… Read more »
We are inculcated by many ideas Jules. Since the day we are born. Our parents instill in us the values they hope we adopt based on their own beliefs. That doesn’t mean they inhibit are personal expression though. Even when we decide to conform to them or not conform to them. So my question is, are we really inculcated by monogamy or do many people simply naturally gravitate toward it? You seem to be mildly suggesting that people don’t have power over their own choices. That their choices, at least when it comes to monogamy, are only a result of… Read more »
Good questions. I’ve had some of the same questions myself, and I’m curious about the same things you wonder about in the last paragraph. I wonder, too, if there are any statistics about people who tried a polyamorous life and felt disillusioned by it and decided to be mongamous instead. Sure, in a lot of cases that person didn’t really try polyamory but some pale imitation of it, but I presume there must be people out there who discovered it wasn’t what they thought it would be like. It would not surprise me if more people were disillusioned by monogamy… Read more »
I just want to be clear that I am not saying that every single person who practices monogamy is coerced into that. I think there are many people for whom monogamy is truly the best fit. However, because it’s the dominant discourse, it often precludes any other relational styles as alternatives or options for a lot of people. I am fortunate enough to exposed to ideas and concepts outside of hegemony, but what about people who have been raised their whole life being told that they ought to be monogamous, but don’t feel monogamous, and then engage in behaviours like… Read more »
I’ve gone in circles with my wife and in couples counseling over what to share and what to be selective about, and I still have a lot of incomplete answers. So, I ask this as someone who certainly doesn’t have relationships figured out: It’s wrong to hide important parts of yourself from your partner, but at the same time it’s important that sharing emotionally charged is done for constructive reasons, and it’s still important to be a little selective. I’m not sure what the purpose was of disclosing your desires and then telling him that you want to remain monogamous… Read more »
I think this is a very interesting and valid point/question. In fact, I vacillated for a time about telling him, because I wasn’t sure it was pertinent to share (knowing how he would feel about it, and react). However, through discussions with friends and through some reflection, I decided I had to tell him because it’s a huge piece of who I am, and perhaps it wouldn’t impact how I felt about our relationship right now, but if it did anywhere down the road for some reason, I didn’t want in to be a big surprise. There are often pieces… Read more »
Thanks for responding. I see where you’re coming from. It’s a hard judgment call sometimes.
i think polyamory is probably a great option for people in the upper echelon of attractiveness, particularly younger women, who will have many opportunities to explore relationships with a variety of people. I just always wonder how those women will feel when they are 40+ and can no longer find partners while their boyfriends/husbands are perhaps more in demand than ever. What does a polyamoroys 50 y/o woman do while her husband is out with his young girlfriends, does she stay home with the cats and the grandkids? I don’t think younger women realize how rapidly their sex appeal declines… Read more »
@Sarah…
Interesting points. As a guy, I have really never considered women as having a shelf life so to speak. I actually prefer women my age (50). I really do not feel women lose their sex appeal dramatically after age 40….I know men prefer younger women. I will not argue that point. But is it due to sex appeal?
Curious. Why do you think the women in the upper echelon of attractive would find poly more appealing? I would think such women would have their pickings of men.
I just imagine that younger attractive women might find a poly lifestyle to be a lot of fun. Because they are the life of the party. They can pick and choose from a lot of interesting men in a safe environment (hopefully) of open and aware people. No one will turn them down. Whetever they go, they’ll have options. Get a little older though… now its the younger women who are the life of the party. Not so many men are interested. You become invisible and unwanted. The men don’t want to get to know you are even have a… Read more »
Sarah, are you confusing polyamory and swinging?
Polyamory isn’t about having hot sex with a bunch of random people. It’s about ‘building a life’ with multiple partners.
Ok what is the difference between that and poligamy? One involves marriage and the other doesn’t. Its f’d up no matter how you slice it.
Judgmental much?
You don’t understand the difference between ‘having sex’ and ‘engaging in a relationship’? Because I mean, even in monogamous relationships, there’s a pretty wide chasm between them.
I know polyamory is different than swinging (although I’ve known people who do both). However, even if you are only looking for serious relationships, I still wonder if it will be much easy for younger women and much more difficult for women who are older (just like it is in the world at large). You’ve also given your partners carte blanche to add new, younger and more appealing partners and how much time will really they have left for you? Like I said earlier, I don’t really know from experience, but that’s what I think about. My BF and I… Read more »
Well, when you write things like this it makes me think you actually don’t understand polyamory. It’s not free-for-all. What gives you the impression it is?
Well it would be interesting to hear from older women about their experience with polyamory and whether at some point the inability to compete with the smorgasbord that’s out there becomes a problem in their relationships. I’m not in a polyamorous relationship so I don’t know what it is like, I admit that. i just think about how incredibly difficult it is for middle aged women to find men who are interested in them in the first place, and having to find more than one seems like a total nightmare! I do know several people in my social circle who… Read more »
Honestly, I don’t know what it is like to date as an ‘unattractive’ person, or as an older woman. So I can’t say with certainty that when I am 50 or 60 that dating will be as ‘easy’ as it is at this moment. I’ve often considered my beauty privilege in the dating sphere – does it actually give me much of an advantage? I’m not sure that it does. In fact, I’m looking for meaningful relationships and connections, and a lot of the men I meet are looking for casual sexual encounters – because I’m attractive, but am I… Read more »
Things will change, believe me. You will lose your sexual currency, it is inevitable and happens to all women.
Also, being besutiful does give you an advantsge becuase you generate interest from men, and some of that interest may translate into mesningful relationships. If you are less attractive, you simply have fewer options. It’s a numbers game.
If you go to swinger parties or sex parties (not that I frequent either one, mind you) they typically have a policy of couples and single-women only. Otherwise single men would so overrun the place as to not be fun for anyone. But, as to your observations of polyamory, they’re not that far off. If you consider what it’s like to be young and dating, you might go through a lot of relationships, both long- and short-term, before finding someone you feel you can settle down with. Let’s say you did settle down with someone, but kept dating as well.… Read more »
Sarah,
I don’t advocate any relationship model as ideal, but something you said struck me. As a man in roughly your age range I wonder if you really stopped to think about what options “typical” men have. For some reason I can’t quite fathom, women of all ages are able to control their lusty desires for me, and I think a lot (most) men trying to form a primary or secondary or whatever ary relationship don’t have a seat at the smorgasbord you envision. I’m not complaining about this, just adding my perspective.
@Adrian…
Single men in the 40-50 age bracket do have many “options” relative to single women in the same age bracket.
Why? Men in this age bracket can date younger women AND women in the their age bracket. However, women will find their choices limited as many men want the younger women.
If I wanted to be a player with single women in the 40-50 age bracket, I could have a grand old time. But, I am not a player or womanizer.
I think this is what Sarah was trying to communicate.
I still don’t really buy it, though. I may not be 40-50 just yet, but since I began dating many of the men who have shown interest in me have been younger men. Sure, older men do, too, and I have noticed that in their online dating profiles men will list that they’re looking for someone up to 10 years younger than them yet only up to about five years older (on average). I don’t deny that in our culture women of a certain age are no longer considered as autonomous sexual beings, but I refuse to buy into that… Read more »
No, it doesn’t mean you can’t date, it just means that your options become much, much more limited. The majority of single men my age (45) do not date 45 year old women. That’s a fact. It doesn’t matter if you are in great shape and have a great attitude and a wonderful personality. You can’t compete with younger women, you just don’t have what it takes to attract those men. Because youth is attractive, age is not. the men who hit on me these days are in their 50’s-60’s but I don’t want like dating older guys – I… Read more »
To Sarah: I am 43 and female. Additionally I am 100 lbs overweight and of average appearance. I have two men in my life I love very much and get asked out a lot. I have no problems getting guys my own age to go out with if I want that. I am sorry you have so many issues with dating. But don’t give up based on a past the sell by date attitude. I agree with you that some of the ideas in our society change toward women after a certain point but on the other side of that… Read more »
If that was what he felt and that was what he wanted, he should have been honest and up front about it.
“There had been times in the past where I’d felt disengaged from the relationship” Men need the love and commitment of their women. That is why we forego polygamy ourselves in the quest for a dedicated wife and loving mother to create a family around. At first I thought that you were leaving details out of your narrative attempting to paint him as the offending party. It became clear by that admission that you were not fulfilling your role in the relationship he wanted for himself. I would postulate that he manned up, began seeking for a woman that would… Read more »
Actually, there had been times where one or the other of us was disengaged. Any relationship has its bumps in the road where a couple, if they are committed to being together, has to actually work hard at the relationship. Relationships don’t just happen. They require effort and energy and attention. Clearly I was dedicated to the relationship in that I was willing to maintain my monogamous commitment (and happily so, because the relationship was important to me). He and I were actually planning to get pregnant this past summer. There is no reason or excuse that validates cheating, really.… Read more »
I’m not trying to ‘crap’ on you as you’ve been through a lot of that already, but Wes has a point. I just finished reading an article where a ‘Relationship Expert’ tries to explain to women why in the hell a man who has a sexual relationship with his wife/gf would pay a ‘profesional’ for some ‘head’ or handjob. He said what he was actually paying for is known as the ‘girlfriend’ experience. You know, where she tells you how wonderful he is and how much of a ‘Macho Stud’ he is. This doesn’t excuse what you’re ex did in… Read more »
I think the whole situation was just really complex. I was living in another province, but it had somehow brought us closer than we’d ever been (initially). So he was hearing daily how much I thought of him, how much I appreciated him. It’s incredible, but distance really can be a good, healthy thing for a relationship. I had men here telling me how incredible they thought I was, but I didn’t think twice about it because I was already in a committed relationship; it may have been flattering, but I wasn’t willing to destroy a relationship of nearly seven… Read more »
Bobbt, it’s not the role of a women to stoke a man’s ego the same way a paid escort does. Men haven’t always been this way. Through porn and video games, a lot of men are developing intimacy problems in a major way. Google “The Demise of Guys”. A lot of men are fucked up and it’s nobody’s fault but their own (fueled by business and marketing.
I do agree with one very important thing stated regarding couples who start to drift from each other: “There is no reason or excuse that validates cheating, really. All he had to do, if he wasn’t getting the things he wanted or needed out of our relationship, was to be upfront about that. And then we could have done one of two things – I could have been made aware of what it was that he needed but wasn’t getting and have made sure to accommodate those needs or we could have decided that it wasn’t working and separated before… Read more »
If he were not being fulfilled in the relationship, wouldn’t it then be up to him to SAY SOMETHING, not to idly hope that she would read his mind and magically fix everything FOR him? Further, if he were not being fulfilled, and she were not aware that she was not “living up to his expectations,” how does that justify, in any way, his lying and cheating?
Being with someone else is not inherently wrong. Being with someone else, under false pretenses/dishonesty is where the issue lies.
We are coerced into monogamy,
“Coerced”? Really? I don’t think so. You make it sound like any one who chooses monogamy did not choose if of their own free will. There is something truly liberating and assuring about being committed to one special someone. It is you who is trying marginalize monogamy. I have news for you polyamory will never replace monogamy as a relationship “style”.
I am not saying that every single person who is monogamous has been coerced into that. I’m not saying that monogamy is less or that polyamory is more. I am saying that, in this culture, monogamy is presented as the only viable option such that many people feel that their poly inclinations are somehow negative or wrong. It is not my goal to replace monogamy with polyamory; I am merely discussing my experiences and reflecting upon them.
I have news for you courage-the-cowardly-dog, no one is advocating for polyamory to replace anything. Threatened much? She lives her life authentically without judging you. You are correct, there IS something truly liberating and assuring about being connected to one special someone. There is something truly liberating and assuring about being connected to two special someone’s as well. One doesn’t cancel the other. Live and let live. She didn’t poop on your love of monogamy. Why do you have to dis her way?
I think we have become too permissive a society. With childless couples polyamory may be fine, but once you bring children into the picture we have duty to those children to provide them with as stable an environment as we can. Life will throw them enough curve balls. Children should not have to deal with curve balls throw at them by their parents. Live and let live is a philosophy that contributes to the detrioration of society. I know what you are thinking, “evangelical bible thumper,” but you would be wrong if you did think that. I think we need… Read more »
Firstly, I did not at all think that you were an ‘evangelical bible thumper’. I don’t jump to those sorts of essentialist conclusions. I did, think, however, that you’re either sadly misinformed about what it means to be polyamorous, or that you’re simply somebody who cannot appreciate and support another’s right to live as they choose, within reason. Polyamory isn’t some catastrophic sexual orientation that would destroy families, and it’s not something that’s really just going to mess kids up. Monogamous couples screw kids up every day of life, and I don’t see you up in arms about that. In… Read more »
I don’t understand people who think that you should have kept this from your partner. Why would you? How would that help your relationship? I’ve been with one person for the last 12 years, but I told him when we first got together that I could be poly. I have never explored it, and never really wanted to, simply because I’m content in OUR monogamy. That doesn’t mean that I’m not poly anymore but that I’m happier like this. It feels like that’d be a huge thing to have hidden from him, and would have been very problematic if I… Read more »
Yes! Why wouldn’t I want to be honest with him, once I realized that I have these inclinations? It didn’t mean I wanted to be with someone else; I just realized that I could potentially be very happy in an open relationship. I was committed to our relationship because I loved him. To have not told him would have been disingenuous, and I prefer to be upfront and honest in my relationships. Since I’ve begun dating, it has been important to me for men to be aware that I identify as poly, because even though I can be happy in… Read more »
Amazing writer. Too bad your ex couldn’t embrace polyamorous relationship. Had it worked in your favor you could have forgiven and perhaps baby and boss could have enriched the relationship. But, life changes everyday. Being in a committed relationship and being polyamorous are two very different things. And, to be honest, anytime anyone tells me not to do something.. I do it. Sheer psychology. Your ex blamed you and tried to project his shame onto you ~ taking blame and being forgiven (accepting your forgiveness) is a reality most struggle with. I have loved many… I have committed to few.… Read more »
Thank you, Nina! I am the same way – I am a terrible liar so I just don’t do it. And I’ve never been able to understand what lying accomplishes, aside from hurting others and making oneself feel guilty. The lies my ex was living with made him feel guilty and depressed, for a time. I just don’t understand what lying accomplished, for him. When he finally divulged to me that he’d been unfaithful, he made it out to be her fault – she had pursued him for months, and he resisted but finally gave in to temptation. He felt… Read more »
Thank you so much Jasmine for speaking honestly about not only the “lifestyle” of polyamory but also the identification as Polyamorous. Your situation (however painful) casts the prefect light in which we can see the difference. I have been poly all my life and also only realized it about 6 years ago at the tender age of….40. All my relationships in high school and college were open but I dismissed that like so many do as a youthful luxury. I got “serious” which translated to “monogamous” and got married at age 24. Marriage ended (for reasons having nothing to do… Read more »
I love hearing other people’s stories about realizing themselves to be polyamorous. It is legitimizing to hear that others have gone through a similar process. People seem to get fixated on sex in poly relationships, thinking that polyamory is some sort of excuse to have multiple sexual partners. But for me it is about connections with other human beings. It doesn’t have to be sexual (although it certainly can be), and it isn’t some sort of ‘excuse’ for infidelity. I have friends who I love for different reasons, and who fulfill different roles in my life. My friendship with any… Read more »
I am of the opinion that people can’t wrap their heads around it because if they did wrap their heads around it they would have to take a loooooong look in the mirror. It is the same as when people can’t see making a life partner someone of the same gender as legitimate. It stirs their own fears that they may be gay. But when it comes to fearing that you might be gay, that amounts to 10% of the population at most. Replace “might be gay” with “might be in danger (or capable) of falling for someone other than… Read more »
This is a really interesting post. I have to admit, I know several people from my city’s polyamory community, and to me the “open communication” generally looks like a way to make infidelity PC, especially when one partner acts on their polyamorous inclinations and the other is monogamous. However, I’m not in those relationships, and people are free to make whatever choices work for them. Personally, the idea of trying to manage more than one intimate relationship at a time sounds absolutely exhausting to me – I’m curious how someone can do this and still have time to work, exercise,… Read more »
Good for you I’m glad you learned and developed yourself. Honestly I personally don’t think I could be in a polyamorous relationship but that’s what communication is about right I can see your point. All the best
Hi Jas, I loved the article, which I read. I read about the first 3 or 4 comments but then was discouraged because you were being villified. I liked Wet One’s remarks. I am genuinely surprised that people fail to see the difference between being openly poly and secretly cheating. I don’t agree with the commenter who said you were being patronizing…I think you were attempting to be loving and noble by offering to honor your commitment. I haven’t investigated very far although I suspect that I am probably poly as well. Nevertheless, I am now in a committed monogamous… Read more »
Thank you, Felicity! I definitely was not intending to be patronizing by honouring my commitment to a relationship I had entered into. I respected that we had entered our relationship as a monogamous couple. I tried my best to help my then partner understand what this meant for me, and for us. In retrospect, it became clear that his strong negative reaction stemmed from his own guilty conscious. Best of luck with your relationship! I can fully appreciate identifying as poly but choosing to remain monogamous. Now that I’m dating, I certainly would prefer to find someone(s) open to poly,… Read more »
What an amazing, thought-provoking, and eloquent post. Your honesty is brave, given the culture’s ironclad stance on hetero-monogamy. It is so ironic that your partner cheated on you – but I’m so glad you are happy now. A great post. PS: I hope you don’t get a huge amount of nasty, one-sided comments on it from people who are threatened by thinking outside of the box. Good luck! (-:
Thank you so much for the kind words! 🙂
@jasmine,
“It really changes nothing at all about our relationship.”
Do you REALLY think telling your man you desire to see other men (or women or both) is not going to affect him? Or your relationship with him? Or his relationship with you? You’re just being very very naive.
If it seem like I am discounting your views due to your age, I am. You have spent 6 years in a monogamous relationship and you’re only 27. So, since age 21…..I’m sorry but I just think you are a bit naive and inexperienced about life.
I did not tell him that I desired to see other people. In fact, the revelation was nothing more than a realization that I have that capacity. I knew him well and knew that it wouldn’t be something that he would be okay with. It is not naive to say that putting a name to something that had always been there did not change my relationship in any fundamental way. It did open up conversation, but given that he was already engaging in an affair, I would say that was the thing that changed our relationship. Yes, I was in… Read more »
“If it seem like I am discounting your views due to your age, I am.”
This is what I like to call “age-ism” wherein someone discounts the viewpoints, life experiences or opinions of someone based only upon how old they are. An ad-hominem of sorts. Kind of like discounting someone because of what colour skin they have.
Sorry, sister, but you don’t have to be “old” in order to intelligent and wise.
I’m poly, but do not think polyamory works for everyone. An adult should be free to share love, sex, residence, and marriage with ANY consenting adults, without discrimination, bullying, or prosecution. If we’re not free to love other adults in the way we mutually agree, what freedom do we really have?