At the end of a long week filled with joys and challenges; mostly joys, thank goodness. Waiting for my glasses that I ordered almost a month ago to come in. My current specs which are two years old are scratched and I need to keep cleaning the lenses every so often because, at the moment, I also have itchy allergy eyes. The pollen here in suburban PA is coating every available outdoor surface which is pretty typical for this time of year. What wasn’t the norm until a year ago is that I am spending more than eight hours a day gazing into a computer screen. Don’t get me wrong, I love my various gigs which include writing and offering therapy via telehealth since the onset of the pandemic. I have tremendous empathy now, for teachers and students who are in the same situation. I have adapted to place my laptop on a platform that is tilted to an angle that no longer causes neck ouchies and visual distortion. I marvel at the modern technology that allows me to connect with people around the world via Zoom. Very Star Trek. Back in the 1960s when I watched the classic version, I wondered if there would ever be a time when we could talk to the compilation of wires and chips. I can still hear the voice of James Doohan who played Chief Engineer Scotty, saying in his brogue, “Computer” to jump-start it to follow his instructions.
The past seven days have presented an opportunity to hold space for people in my personal and professional life who are facing bigger challenges than smudgy glasses and histamine-laden sniffles. Deaths, parent caregiving, suicidal ideation, jail time, illness, job stressors, depression, and anxiety. I sometimes wonder if I have numbed myself as a defense mechanism against absorbing it. I am an empath who often takes in and takes on the emotional states of others. Empathy is an important skill and can be healthy when partnered with solid boundaries. I haven’t quite mastered that one, but I’m working on it. I identify strongly with the character of Counselor Deanna Troi on the incarnation of the aforementioned show called Star Trek: The Next Generation. She was the go-to person for the crew of the Enterprise as I often feel I am for my own crew. At the end of a workday, I sometimes feel like a wrung-out dishrag that needs to be replenished. It has taken the form of vegging out watching comedies such as the recently ended show Mom which focused on a community of friends who were facing addiction and recovery. As a recovering co-dependent and workaholic, I spent some time in the rooms over the years and nodded my head knowingly, watching the episodes. The good thing is that re-runs are shown daily on a local station. I also view my favorite program This Is Us, like many, having a weekly cry session. Weird that two of my cherished shows touch on the same issues that I face in my counseling practice are therapeutic for me.
When I need a brain break, I just stare into space or at a beautiful aspect of nature. Nothing expected of me. Nowhere to go. No schedule to keep. That feels like a luxury since there are deadlines to meet, and appointments to keep.
I attribute some of that blank stare to pushing the reset button on my brain. You know how when you are counting on the GPS to help get you from point a to point b and there is a detour. The message you get is that it is re-calculating. Sadly, my brain needs more frequent re-calculation as I scramble through my memory banks to come up with a word or a trigger to contact someone.
Mindfulness is added to the mix since I tend to be hornswoggled by ADHD and lose focus, easily distracted by my thoughts. I have become far more methodical as I empty the dishwasher while waiting for the water to boil for the tea that now sits at my side. Since my hands are affected by a bit of arthritis, I am even more careful not to drop anything. A far cry from my running around with my hair on fire busy-buzziness of years past. I was the queen of multi-tasking which sometimes left important things undone and slipping through the cracks of my consciousness.
When I think back to the way I lived my life 5-10-20 some years ago, I am astonished at the difference. Even though I would never have admitted it, I worried incessantly about money, relationships, school, and job performance. Beneath a confident façade was a woman who was riddled with self-doubt. As a result, I attracted experiences and people who gladly and maybe unconsciously reinforced that attitude. I hope they weren’t intentionally hurtful. These were among my greatest teachers. I bless them. I have also learned that I needed to allow aspects of who I thought I was, to fall away and die off in order to become the woman who is typing these words. Am I always confident and in control? Nope. I just laugh the fear thoughts into oblivion. I have also learned that when I have felt like things weren’t happening fast enough, according to my schedule, all I needed to do was glance back over my shoulder and see how far I have traveled. I take stock each day of accomplishments, large and small, and still see how much I get done. I have mostly put down the self-flagellating whip thoughts and instead, hand myself floral bouquets. I told myself that I had to be ON in order to be loved. I told myself that my worth was based on my achievements and what I did for others. I told myself that I was broken, but needed to make it look like I had it all together. These days, I embrace wholeness and take great delight in life for real.
“The best way to capture moments is to pay attention. This is how we cultivate mindfulness. Mindfulness means being awake. It means knowing what you are doing.” — Jon Kabat-Zinn
—
***
If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project and want a deeper connection with our community, please join us as a Premium Member today.
Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS. Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—
stock photo ID: 1831197802