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Last week we talked about five things women can do to get their partners to take on more responsibility in the home, and, in particular, with the children. Here are three more. If you have any suggestions to add to the list, please drop us an email.
6. No gatekeeping
Many women take charge of the household and childcare because they want to be in control. But too often, being in control means pushing their partner out of the way and not letting him participate. For other women, control isn’t the issue: they just assume that men are either uninterested or incompetent. And men get the message: many find it easier to just back off. By the time women become mothers, most have had years of subtle (or not-so-subtle) training. Female role models are plentiful, as are resources. But good male role models are rare, as is information specifically designed to help men prepare for fatherhood (the exception being the books and other resources I’ve created for dads). The moral of the story? Let your partner try to figure things out for himself before you jump in. Men and women have different approaches to the same issue and fathers need the confidence that comes only with practice. Letting him develop his own parenting style will also give your family twice as many baby-care options.
7. Divide and conquer
Since no single job in your home is any more valuable than any other, assign everything to the most qualified person. Make a list of what needs to get done. If you’re good at something or like to do it, it’s yours. (At the same time, your partner gets to do his chores his way.) Another option is to assign tasks to whichever of you cares the most. If a scummy bathtub bugs you more than it does him, clean it yourself. If he hates crumbs on the carpet, he gets to vacuum. Problems may arise, though, when one of you says, “Gee honey, nothing bothers me,” and the other gets stuck doing it all. These situations call for careful negotiation. You can do the more unpleasant jobs together or, if the budget permits, hire someone to do them for you. And just to make sure that everyone gets to have fun, switch responsibilities occasionally (if for no other reason than to get a better appreciation of what the other does). And be willing to bend gender stereotypes. If you expect him to plan a meal and cook it, you should be prepared to unclog the toilet or change the oil in the car.
8. Re-define work
When dividing up responsibilities, many couples have trouble defining what, exactly, the term “work” means. In many families, for example, couples err by neglecting to give parenting the same weight as ordinary chores. Yet childcare takes at least as much time, and is just as tiring, as shopping and mopping. So even if your partner is wrestling with the baby while you’re making dinner, things might not be as unequal as they seem. True, he’s probably having more fun, but somebody has to do it. And if he plays with the baby today, he can fix dinner tomorrow while you wrestle.
The New Man may strike you as a great idea. But the Old Man has been around for tens of thousands of years, and he’s not going to disappear overnight. Even in these relatively enlightened times, much of the domestic burden may continue to fall on you. But not all of it, and not all the time. Change between you and your partner may be slow. But if you work it out, you’ll see significant improvement—in your workload, the quality of your marriage, and your life together as parents.
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