Former classmates celebrate their reunion in Mumbai
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When I finished my Grade 10 examinations, I chose to study Commerce in college. Not because I had any goal in mind but because it was the only subject that wasn’t included in the curriculum at a nearby women’s college. I suspected Father found a “women’s only” atmosphere more appealing for me and I wanted to avoid it at all costs.
The thought of being separated from the boys in town evoked nightmares in me. The excitement of teenage life lies in sensing attraction, inviting others out for dates, in rejecting or being rejected, or simply forming great friendships that boys mostly live up to. They were all that I wasn’t—physically and emotionally. They knew of unknown places, talked about crazy adventures, and seemed a tad more relaxed. The opposite sex was indispensable and I wanted to know them better. To me, boys and girls were like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle; they all fitted perfectly well together.
However, the society I grew up in worked differently. Sexual curiosity was cited as a reason to keep boys and girls away from each other. A random evening chatting with male friends could suddenly turn into a shouting match at home. “You shouldn’t have leaned like that on the gate and talked so loudly,” Mother would say. “The neighbors are watching,” she would whisper as if all of us indulged in devious acts that had to be kept secret. It was okay for my brother to lean on gates and talk all night. It wasn’t okay for me, especially if the friend was male.
It’s good to meet men who are able to understand that women are much more than just their physical aspects
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Dating was taboo. Love used to be—or still is—a stigma and parents take great pride in choosing partners for their children. “Is it a love marriage?” people ask surreptitiously as they congregate for marriage feasts in big halls that carry the fragrance of food and flowers. “Yes, what could poor Mr X do? He had to give in to his daughter’s wishes…else, she would elope!”
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In societies that frown upon natural laws of attraction, segregation of men and women continue to happen on a scale such as can’t be imagined by those from liberal cultures.
India sees sexual violence not only due to lawlessness and patriarchy but also a complete lack of understanding between the sexes. To guard women like they are national treasures is to encourage obsessive curiosity and insensitivity in men. Minimum interaction with the opposite sex has given rise to men objectifying women without a care for how they feel or respond to the male gaze or touch. India has many train compartments reserved for women, as if men and women can’t even travel together without creating mayhem. Cities like Mumbai have introduced women-only cab services and female bus drivers to reassure women of their safety.
My foster country Singapore has not considered segregating men and women in public transport despite seeing increasing numbers of molestation cases in trains. The Straits Times reported last year that “the police conduct regular patrols at train stations to deter molesters and work with transport operators to broadcast public education videos that tell passengers how they could protect themselves”. It is clear that Singapore believes the problem can be resolved—not by segregating men and women—but by encouraging them to learn how to respect one another, implementing proper laws and urging people to be alert.
A 2015 report in The Telegraph tells us of many countries around the world that have gender-segregated transport. It has worked in some but not all. That such segregation creates more distance by hindering men and women—even young boys and girls—from being together in a healthy way is a big concern. It is also often the case that brothers and sisters grow up and apart as they reach pubescence with brothers being “in charge” of and not good friends with their sisters. Many families do understand the importance of instilling in their boys a healthy respect for women, and such men become shining examples of how it is possible to be friends with the opposite sex regardless of sexual attraction or lack of it. It’s good to meet men who are able to understand that women are much more than just their physical aspects, that it is not right to hit on women who talk to you because they want to be friends with you, and that there is much more to a male-female relationship than sex.
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Not knowing how to see women as regular individuals is one of the biggest drawbacks of segregation. It tells men that the women are somehow to be shielded from them. Women are advised to cover themselves and not challenge men, thereby reinforcing the stereotype of men being nasty to women always. That a man would love a woman who looks him in the eye and lives with her head held high is lost on us. We carry ourselves as we are trained to and teach our own children to be that way, thus perpetuating our fears and assumptions through posterity. Gradually, these assumptions become expectations. Men who are too nice to their women are seen as sissies by many. How many times have we heard that a man ought to “show his woman her place”? Henpecked husbands are laughed at while wives who fear their husbands are considered ideal.
It is imperative for societies to let men and women form good friendships without imposing on them lifestyles that segregate and hinder better understanding.
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Right from the naming ceremonies of infants to the deathbeds of the aged, subtle differences in tradition identify male from female. The way I walk, dress, talk, work, and participate in life defines me as a woman first, an individual later. It is important to be able to connect with those of the opposite sex because romantic or physical love is not the only aspect that drives relationships. Absence of healthy friendships paves the way for indifference and control even within marital bonds. It steals the magic inherent in the coming together of personalities with different outlooks and experiences.
It is imperative for societies to let men and women form good friendships without imposing on them lifestyles that segregate and hinder better understanding. It is only when men and women start seeing each other as human beings first—as individuals with experiences, emotions, stories and feelings—that we shall be closer to achieving some balance in this tug-of-war between the sexes.
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Photo Credit: Umedbhai Patel School, Batch 1991, Division C, Mumbai
While I do agree with you, I’m a big believer in the big team concept, a problem is that men do tend to take over the conversation. Now perhaps women contribute to this by somehow buying into that narrative is another issue.
thanks, mark. i think you are right. also…one of my concerns is growing trivialisation of serious issues like sexual crimes…i have not met many men from india who believe safety of women is any issue…some of them pretend not to know what goes on in buses and trains, or even when a woman is casually walking through a mall…some equate “general fall of morality”(not sure whose moral standards they talk of) in women with rising cases of violence while some would like to see feminists banished from the country. this could be due to a feeling of bias against them… Read more »
Could not agree more, Sushi. “Men who are too nice to their women are seen as sissies by many.” And it is up to men who are not “sissies” to lead by example here. if men that are more a man then those making the accusation demonstrate care and tenderness to their wives, it leaves those that would say such things to re-evaluate their formerly held beliefs as to what it is to be a man. A “real man” uses his strength and power to provide a safe home and life for the woman he loves, and I dare any… Read more »
Thnks, DJ…sadly, it’s not only men but also women who are misled into thinking tht real men must control their women. ?
Great article !
Thnks !
Great discussion. I have always felt uncomfortable with the rise in popularity of single sex schools. Having sons and a daughter I believe it is important for them to have friends of both genders.