Sometime late last century, it became de rigeur to bemoan the decline of the Great American Family. The post-war nuclear family (a façade of a “happy family” that rested almost entirely on women’s shoulders) had given way to an era of dual incomes, increased freedoms, and the latchkey kids of the 1970s and ’80s.
That was followed in the 2010s by a backlash; parents were expected to be über-involved in every aspect of their children’s development. But for many, that’s meant enrolling kids in activities, paying tutors, and checking off boxes, while we augment other people’s hard work with obnoxious selfies.
Today we face impossibly high expectations, but I’m not sure we’re that committed to the hard, mundane, and sometimes ugly part of parenting.
To be honest, everything in our world moves so fast, and so inexorably, that these trends seem easy to identify but impossible to reverse. As with so much of what plagues us, it will take nothing short of, well, a plague—a massive disruption to every aspect of our lives—to cause, and enable, us to hit the reset button.
Enter: coronavirus.
Here we are, at home 24/7. No office to escape to, no sports to distract us, no trampoline parks to drop the kids at. And no school. Many of us – the lucky ones, who still have jobs and can do them at home – are shoehorning a 50-hour workweek into the cracks of a new role: substitute teacher. We’re getting up to speed with daily assignments, a clunky Google Classroom interface, and New Math.
The fact is, not everyone should be a teacher. And nothing drives that point home like waking up to the new reality that we are all teachers now. Not just in solidarity, the way that we were all New Yorkers after 9/11, or “je suis Charlie” after the Charlie Hebdo attacks.
We are actually teachers now. And we don’t have much choice other than to—not just “lean in,” but dive in head-first. We’re needed right now.
So, let’s get our teacher on. Here’s a non-exhaustive list that will, let’s admit, barely scratch the surface of how to pull this off:
Assume the Position
Most of us with jobs and school-age kids spent the past few weeks trying to multitask. Shooing kids out of the room during work calls and answering school questions with the most cursory responses, as though syllables themselves were as precious as Clorox wipes.
It’s time to reassess our priorities. As parents, our mission is the production and cultivation of good future members of a great future society. The kids have to come first; their education has to come first. And it just so happens there are other documented positive effects of paying attention to your kids. Collateral benefit!
The trick is to set and keep some sort of schedule to separate work time and school time. It doesn’t have to be extensive or firm, but a little structure helps you switch gears when the time comes. And when you’re “on duty” with the kids, leave the work behind. Sure, we’ve heard this before, but I can attest to its truth: when you’re 100% present with your kids, your Dad Score increases tenfold. You’re engaged, you bond, and yes, even word problems can be fun.
Embrace the Routine
I like to mix things up. To me, it makes the banal feel special. But when I do it too often – layering unpredictability on top of this extreme uncertainty – it just compounds the chaos. One day last week, I spent an hour trying to deescalate a tantrum over seating arrangements. It was an epic (and totally avoidable) parenting fail.
Here’s the thing: When kids know what’s about to happen and what’s expected of them, they handle transitions more smoothly. If the schedule and expectations aren’t clearly laid out ahead of time, their busy little kid brains will devise their own plans, and overriding them will only result in a power struggle.
The trick is to establish a routine and communicate it in terms they understand (e.g., a younger kid will grasp lunchtime better than noon), and stick to it for long enough that your kids have an idea of what the day will hold. It doesn’t matter if it’s a conventional schedule or replicates school, just give them something to hold onto. It will reduce the power struggles. Take it from a dad who’s blown it a few dozen times.
Don’t Try To Be A Teacher, Be A Learner
Okay, real talk: All the “we’re all teachers now” rhetoric in the world won’t turn us into one. And we don’t have to be! No one expects us to be the expert in every subject, and we’ll only undermine ourselves if we pretend to be. The best way to blow any possible cred is to fake it. Kids see through that immediately. So don’t be afraid of “I don’t know.”
The trick is to follow “I don’t know” with “Let’s find out.” You’re modeling inquisitive, learning-positive behavior. Take my high-school-teacher parents’ approach: You’re not imparting information, you’re facilitating learning. If a child is stuck on a problem, it’s best not to just give them the answer; learn along with them. Teach a man to fish, etc.
Own the Curriculum
It’s getting likelier by the day that most students won’t return to the classroom this school year. In the fall, there may be some sort of assessment, but for now, the education of our little ones is in our hands. Forget teaching to the test, we are educating. This is our chance to take ownership of our children’s learning on an individual level. Take some liberties!
The trick is to have a goal and break it down into bite-size activities that fit your kid’s learning style. Teach math and PE with a FitBit, geometry with a ball of twine stretched around furniture. Read a book together and write fanfic. I’m not suggesting we all go full Tom Sawyer, but now is not the time to get wrapped around the axle of individual assignments. We can make this a memorable and beneficial period if we keep our eyes on the prize and gift ourselves some perspective in the meantime.
We’re up against a lot right now—as parents, as citizens, as human bodies with immune systems and vulnerabilities. But we also have a huge opportunity. Many of us are hunkered down together for the first time since paternity leave. We’re playing new roles, laying the track from a moving train. We can shape our kids’ development now in a way we couldn’t just 60 days ago.
Kids don’t need us to be the world’s best teachers, but we can be their best role models. If we’re intentional about what kind of grownups we want them to be, and spend the next few months being that grownup ourselves, amazing things will happen.
Good teachers aren’t just subject matter experts, they’re phenomenal listeners. They’re patient. They follow through on what they say they’re going to do. They’re also curious and thorough—they never stop learning themselves: When they don’t know an answer, they find out.
Things are in flux. There’s no manual. It’s a time to take stock and improvise. In a moment when the future feels very much in doubt, I’m reminded of the words of a wise mentor: “I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.”
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