Jennifer Gardella’s newly birthed book, Domestic Violence Awareness: Listen For The Whispers of Abuse can help people to experience a re-birth. Domestic violence isn’t just what we would recognize- pushing, hitting, punching, sometimes resulting in broken bones. Instead it can it can include broken hearts with words as weapons. An abuser may choose their victim who is more than willing to receive the toxic treatment, in part, because they minimize, miss the red flags or deny that this person to whom they have committed their lives could possibly mistreat them.
The book is part confessional and part instructional. Gardella does not fit the stereotype of an abuse victim. She is a successful professional who coaches other women to empower themselves. Behind the scenes, she was at the mercy of a clever perpetrator. It took a great deal of courage, and as she mentioned, the insistence of her three daughters that she find a way to wake up and end the marriage that held her hostage. She is now, blessedly, on the other side of it.
I recommend this book for those that find themselves in her situation, those who know and love someone in her situation and therapists who work with abuse survivors.
What are the most important aspects of yourself that you want the world to know?
I left the relationship a completely dilapidated woman – my business was on life-support, he had torn down everything. I did the work and rebuilt life on my own terms. And now I am thriving. I want all victims to know it is possible to have a better life. That I didn’t know I was living in domestic violence and most victims don’t know either. I thought “he’s just a jerk” or “he just needs to get the rage out” – he was an abuser. I have a PhD – a business – and I fell for the scam of a typical run-of-the-mill boring domestic violence abuser. I also want the world to know that my girls are amazing and thriving.
If the seasoned woman you are now could offer guidance to the young woman you once were, what wisdom would you share?
Never do anything in life just to please another person. They won’t appreciate it and you will spend your life trying to win their affection and make them happy. When anyone says “Oh, do this with your life to make us/me happy,” they abuse you – you will never make them happy – and you will waste your life. It is better to follow your dreams even if it means there are less people around. It is better to be alone than with the wrong person. Love doesn’t hurt.
Domestic Violence is so much more than broken bones and bruises. It isn’t your job to “heal” him. People have to want to participate in their own healing. You and your partner should live your own independent but connected lives. One should not control the other. You need space. And all of that then comes together to create a bond.
What was the journey that led you to create a relationship with the man you describe in the book but don’t identify by name?
I thought I was lucky to have found someone like him – responsible, accomplished, he loved to have fun. I had a core wound that I wasn’t good enough just as I was, and I was never going to make it without a strong man who would take care of things for me. I just scared of being alone without a man.
At one point did you notice the red flags that told you this relationship was not in your best interest?
Early on in the relationship (the first year) I noticed several red flags: The first I talked about in the book – he was buying flights to take me away to Florida for a weekend as a gift – but then told me I was responsible for paying for all the hotels and food. Thanksgiving weekend – he had family in town and was barely communicating with me claiming he was very busy. The minute they all left and his kids went back to their mom he expected me to be arriving. Since I hadn’t heard from him I had made plans. He was so angry that he was “alone,” yet he hadn’t communicated with me before he needed me to arrive. But I never did anything about those red flags – he dismissed it all as his exes had treated him horribly. So of course, he wouldn’t be the only one paying for a weekend getaway, even if it was a gift – the other women had always financially taken advantage of him. And he hated that at this point in life, he had to send the kids back to their mom – especially on a holiday weekend – he just wanted me with him because he loved spending time with me. And I completely understood – and I knew I would NEVER do ANY of those things so all was good. He just had to trust me and that was going to take time. And he wasn’t really mad at me, he was mad at his situation. As I type all of this I’m thinking “Oh geeze.”
Can you share why people primarily focus on the physical aspect of abuse and not the emotional component?
They believe that physical abuse is more damaging than emotional abuse – the belief is that emotional abuse can’t kill you while physical abuse can. Yet there are many experts who will say that the emotional causes just as much damage and is just as hard to get over. Many believe that proof of emotional abuse is up to great interpretation – so if he calls and texts 50 times a day, some dismiss it as he misses you. The laws are really vague – if he sits outside your home in the morning and watches you walk your dog – AND texts you about it – well, some would say that he has every right to sit in his car on a public street. They don’t see it as creepy. As I was asked, “What law has he broken?” If he sits in an empty parking lot and glares at your daughter as she sets up the restaurant deck for her afternoon shift, well, again, where is the crime? They feel that physical abuse is the only indication of danger. And when the victim freaks out because she is scared, everyone thinks she is emotionally unhinged rather than say, “Wow, this guy is scaring her and no one in our community should live like this.”
I have 105 incidents of stalking and harassment since I went “no contact” in June of 2020. He was told clearly by the police and me I do not want to be in contact with him. He has used text, phone calls, driving to my home, private messages on all the social media sites, instant messaging, snail mail. Since he has never been stopped he just continued right up until this past month. AND even if there has been physical abuse the ability to hide yourself is almost impossible. While victims can get a protected address they cannot buy property without spending an extra $5k on legal fees to protect themselves through trusts and such. We have to jump through hoops to protect our address in voting records that are so time consuming it becomes a financial burden to protect yourself. I’ll stop now…
Why do you recommend using the word ‘abuser,’ instead of ‘narcissist,’ even though the person may exhibit signs of narcissism?
Using the word narcissist is actually very dangerous to the victim/survivor. If you call an abuser a narcissist, they may pummel the victim “Oh, are you diagnosing now?” This is what happened to me. I called him a narc and then for the rest of our relationship he took free license to say “Oh, be careful what you say, Dr. Gardella will diagnose you.” Since you don’t have a diagnosis, the courts do not tolerate anyone assigning the labels and can hold that against the victim. So don’t put the word in texts or emails. Of course, the tricky part is that abusers rarely seek any therapy. They don’t want to heal – they think they are perfect. So there is never a diagnosis of narcissist. So all we know is the stories about the victims – you can’t assign a diagnosis based on the stories of others and never seeing the abuser.
What strategies do you suggest for people in a relationship with an abuser to extract themselves from it?
First, take a deep breath. Determine if you should get out right now or do you have time to make a plan? Obviously, if you believe you are in grave danger, then leave. Start documenting every single incident. You can also call the police and open a file – talk to a detective. They don’t have to call or involve your abuser. Eventually, I did this with all three surrounding police departments. Detectives in all three said that victims don’t do this enough and it is essential to establish a pattern of fear. If there is time – do some safety planning with your local domestic violence center, a therapist, or a friend. You can learn about ALL the services available to you now rather than when you are in crisis. If there is time, get your ducks in a row – documents (financial statements), passports, id’s – all of that. make sure you have originals or at least copies in a safe place. Look at your financial situation now. If you are on a mortgage and don’t work (or have a part-time job) you might not qualify to sign a lease. You may need a co-signer. If there are children involved and you have time – part of your safety plan should be to talk to a family lawyer first.. Abusers have rights to their kids even if there is abuse in the home. Then educate yourself – learn about trauma bonding and reactive abuse first – gaslighting. Once I knew about those I realized what had actually happened to me. That was part of the reason I was able to stand strong and not run back to him.
In your research, did you learn about the statistical incidents of the abuser being a woman and the abused, a man, or abuse in same sex relationships?
1 in 3 women will experience DV
1 in 4 men will experience DV
50% of the LGBTQI+ will experience DV
Those are the standards. I was shocked.
What was the pivotal moment that you decided to find a way out of this situation?
Two of my daughters told me they were scared to death of him and knew we were being abused. I knew that was it. Had I not left I would have lost them both. I knew deep down inside of me that I was worthy of more.
What steps did you take to leave?
I had a very strange escape. We had decided it was a good idea to spend some time away. My abuser was well aware that I wanted to spend some time away and actually helped us plan to leave the house for about two weeks. So my daughters and I packed up and left. On our way to our safe location, my daughters told me they were scared to death of him, we were being abused and they never wanted to go back to his house. We stayed in our safe place for a month. I set up housing back in town for when we returned.
How can people be of support to family members or friends who are in the same situation you found yourself in?
First, don’t walk away just because she won’t leave or because you can’t stand him. If you think he is abusive, she is probably living in hell. It takes a victim seven times to leave – she will need you as she leaves but also if she goes back. Realize that you aren’t dealing with a normal relationship- you are dealing with a victim who is trauma-bonded to her abuser. Start to generally talk to her about what you are hearing from her and that you are concerned. Pass along information – confidentially – very carefully. You don’t want her abuser to get any hint that you are doing this. Also, don’t just come right out and say “he is a domestic violence abuser!” She could relay that information to the abuser and he would isolate her. Encourage her to do some safety planning just in case she needs it. Make sure she knows that the local DV center is not just a shelter (has a bad rap) and that they can do some confidential safety planning with her.
Let her know that he shouldn’t treat her like he is but you understand that she stays. Offer support. My friends Dannielle and Mary Fran would pick up with phone ANY time that I called. My friends Susan and Rich did the same and were local and gave us things like sheets, pots and pans that we needed when we moved back.
If this book could meet your wildest expectations, what would it do?
I’ll be on the CBS morning show with Gail King, Oprah would join, completely dazzled, seeing a tremendous need, and have me on a special to raise awareness. Mollie Glick would sign on as my agent and I would get a publishing contract with a top five NYC publishing house to write my memoir and have extensive distribution so the message gets everywhere. John Favreau agrees to make the movie – we win an Academy Award – and the real dream… we set up systems and supports so ALL the victims have safe spaces, money to rebuild their lives, and expert legal representation and protection.
All dreams aside, if one victim is made aware, either through reading the book herself or because a support person uses the information to help her get out and rebuild her life – then I have achieved a wild success.
Is there anything else you would like to share?
Victims are filled with shame – don’t add to it by making them feel bad. Victims rarely have enough money to get out – give her space, food, money for rent – whatever you can spare. The easier you make it for her to stay out, the better. She is going to need a tremendous amount of support when she leaves. Post-separation abuse and the legal circus are the stuff of horror movies.
Resources:
The National Domestic Violence Hotline–
—
This Post is republished on Medium.
—
Photo credit: iStock