Ahhh romance. One of my favorite things to do growing up was watching Hallmark movies with my mom. The cute (and predictable) meet-cues, the enemies-to-lovers trope, the small-town feel, wow. What a good time. As the weather gets colder, and the beginning of cuffing season arrives, romance feels like it’s in the air. (I mean all those cute Christmas movies are coming up soon!!). Now for the hopeless romantics in the world, cuffing season and romance can be one of their favorite things.
Hopeless romantics love love.
What is a hopeless romantic?
Definition | A hopeless romantic is someone who continues to believe in love, no matter the struggles they might have experienced in the past. They believe that love conquers all, choosing to see the positive over negative in relationships.
Definition from Brides Magazine
Is it good or bad to be a hopeless romantic?
Now surprisingly or not, being a hopeless romantic was discovered to have benefits. One study found that romantic beliefs were associated with greater satisfaction and commitment. A partner’s focus on creating romance also makes them greater in terms of keeping the spark alive and developing intimacy and emotional connection. Hopeless romantics also tend to have a more positive disposition.
Now while there is nothing wrong with being optimistic about romance, being a hopeless romantic can put you in a position where you are falling too fast or putting on rose-colored glasses (ignoring red flags) in the name of love. Being a hopeless romantic can also be hard in today’s dating culture of fast-swiping and hook-up culture.
Given all of the potential challenges here are ten tips if you are a hopeless romantic in the modern-day dating world:
Tip One: Set realistic expectations
For a lot of hopeless romantics, they are looking for “the one.” The perfect person or right person to make their lives more full and whole. They will feel secure and complete with this perfect person. In reality, the biggest pitfall for hopeless romantics is this unrealistic expectation in relationships that someone is supposed to save you and make you worthy or whole. Hopeless romantics will expect a specific person to come in and be the right person for them, not for a specific person to become the right person for them.
The reality is nobody is perfect. If soulmates exist, they aren’t born, they’re made. Given you are a human dating another human, they aren’t perfect, and neither are we. There is no perfect partner or person, and the one becomes a conscious choice you make when you find someone who wants to grow with you and makes you feel safe and loved. Relationships take active participation on both ends. And growing together can be beautiful too.
Tip two: Take your time getting to know someone
As a hopeless romantic you may meet someone and immediately idealize all the ways they are going to be perfect and wonderful and oh-so-amazing (trust me, I understand). But the reality is it’s important to take your time getting to meet someone especially as one date or a few dates might not be accurate representations of who someone is.
Psychotherapist Esther Perel actually mentioned the best way to get to know someone is to see what they are like around their friends or wider people, not just in a confined one-on-one setting. This is something I agree with, but I also just like that it highlights that people have different sides to them. There’s no reason to fall in love too fast or too soon (think Anna in the movie Frozen). You can take it at a slower pace to get to know who the person is and if you want to be romantically involved with them.
Tip three: Know what you want and be intentional
It is so important to know what traits and qualities you are looking for in someone else. Do you want someone who is kind? Honest? Funny? And also know what you don’t want in someone. What are your non-negotiables? Like is smoking a big deal? Their health? Do they need to have a job? Etc? Writing this down will make it easier for you to hold yourself accountable. Also ideally the traits you write down that you want in someone should be things you have yourself as well. We attract what is familiar to us and we are most familiar with ourselves.
So if you want a kind person, be kind to yourself more. If you want someone who doesn’t take advantage of you, stop taking advantage of yourself. Also having a clear intention when dating will make the process easier because you will have greater clarity about what you want. Are you looking for a life partner? A non-magnagamous relationship? Someone to raise a family with? Going in with your intentions already set will give you a more discerning ability to pick who is right for you when dating.
Top four: Don’t ignore red flags
A lot of hopeless romantics see the best in people and want to give love in hopes that it makes the person better. But it’s important to see the red flags and react accordingly. You can have a big heart with big boundaries. You can be kind and have self-respect. These traits and not mutually exclusive.
If there are clear red flags, in the name of SELF-love, you need to react accordingly. You don’t need to stay with someone if there are issues. You can send them love and wish them the best. And then move on with your life and keep your peace in the process.
Tip five: Don’t allow one-sided relationships to occur b/c of your big heart
A lot of hopeless romantics have hearts full of love and enjoy spreading love to people. Ideally, you want a partner who matches this energy too. A partner who loves to give you love, and who loves you to treat you like you are special (because you should be to them!). If you are the only one investing in creating romance and intimacy in the relationship, this dynamic could appear one-sided.
We accept the kind of love we think we deserve, and you have to believe in yourself and love yourself enough to know you deserve better than a one-sided relationship. Because you do.
(Advice on how to feel more lovable is here! And here is my free self-love checklist!)
Photo by Josh Hild on Unsplash
Tip six: Try to prevent idealization
Idealization is when we fantasize about all the things our partner could be. This can keep us stuck in our heads and leave us not seeing the people we date for who they are. A lot of hopeless romantics might idealize people, which is not great. If you have trust or commitment issues, idealizing people might be easier than actually taking the steps to date someone (more on how to build trust here). It’s important to prevent idealization, by being grounded in reality and taking steps to make your fantasies about the person come true.
Idealization in the extreme form can lead to limerence. Limerence is a state of extreme infatuation to the point of obsessiveness. It is a stage of deep craving for a person like you can’t get someone out of your head. Imagine up to 85% of your thoughts are about this person. Someone who is experiencing limerence is having such an extreme experience of thinking obsessively about a person. So maybe there is a lot of planning about the future, thinking about the future, wishful thinking, etc.
It’s normal to have an infatuation with someone when you first start dating but limerence is an extreme feeling that is not reciprocal to where the relationship actually is. And yes, it is a distraction to our lives. Limerence creates instability in our lives. We can heal limerence by being more grounded and secure in the relationship with ourselves, but a more detailed guide can be found here.
Overall you want to prevent idealization and limerence by being grounded in the reality of who the person is and by building a stronger relationship with yourself.
Tip seven: Get active about dating!
As a hopeless romantic, you might love those cute moments in movies or books where the person finds someone to date when they aren’t looking. Like bumping into them in a coffee shop or when they visit a new small town. But if you want to date people, it’s important to not just wait on the sidelines for someone to bump into you while you’re walking. Join groups or clubs with people who have similar passions to you! Check out dating apps! But it’s important to see dating more for the process of getting to be curious and know people, and not focused on being attached to the outcome.
The more you “want” a relationship, the more discontent you become with your current singleness. You get more discouraged and more anxious or sad about the lack of being in a relationship. This continues to of attract a lack mindset and negatively hinders your dating experience. A lot of things in life, especially if you are dating for a serious relationship, take slow and steady patience.
Focusing on the process of dating helps, instead of the result. Even on bad dates, what did you learn about what you don’t like? Did you get to try a new restaurant? Or learn a new fun thing about another person on this planet? So yes, go date out a lot of people, if you’d like! But enjoy and focus on the process, not attach yourself to the outcome of needing to find a romantic partner.
Tip eight: Don’t romanticize drama
In all seriousness, extreme drama in a relationship is very immature. Frankly, the yelling, the arguing, the raised voices thing is more a sign of emotional immaturity than a sign of romance. In the name of love, it’s more important to romanticize loving, healthy relationships than romanticizing drama and toxicity.
Now hopeless romantics might watch their fair share of romance movies with some scenes of couples yelling (I’m thinking Allie and Noah in this scene), but really those relationships are built on miscommunication, broken trust, or even lies. Abusive relationships, bad/mean boys, and dramatic drama is not romantic. Loving relationships are built on working together, as a team, to address and solve areas of conflict in the relationship. You know what’s sexy? Emotional intelligence.
Photo by Tamarcus Brown on Unsplash
Tip nine: Be ready to put in the work
Relationships take work. They take communication skills, compromise, and working through your triggers and needs. After that initial honeymoon phase, love is not so much an art, as it is a choice. When the happy dopamine and oxytocin love chemicals leave, and the hormones shed, we see the person before us as more human. This can be great because it breeds the path for the more unconditional love which will help make the relationship last. But during this time and beyond, love becomes more of an active choice, not just some fun, no-work thing.
Develop skills to be prepared after the honeymoon phase, like building your communication and assertive skills to work through problems. Relationships are not always pretty. Sometimes you question your decisions in love, and adult love is partly about this ambivalence between all the different ways you may feel about one person. Working through your ambivalence and finding someone you want to be with as you navigate the easier and harder parts of a relationship will be incredibly important.
Tip ten: Work on strengthening the relationship with self
My favorite relationship advice is to work on strengthing the relationship with yourself. For hopeless romantics, this advice is critical too. The relationship with yourself will dictate the kind of relationships you have with others. If you have critical people around you, it is because you are typically being critical of yourself.
We attract and stay with people who are familiar and remind us of ourselves. So the most important relationship to cultivate into a loving and healthy one is the relationship that you have with yourself. Remember…you accept the love you think you deserve. And what you think you deserve is based on the relationship you have with yourself. If you want that cute romantic lovey-dovey relationship, then cherish and treat yourself like you’re special. You will be attracted to people who do that with you because you treat yourself that way.
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You got this!
Although dating as a hopeless romantic might be hard or scary, don’t give up on love. Be patient. There could be a story written for you that’s even better than you imagine! But if you’re tired of giving your love and energy away, put the blinders up and focus on YOU. Don’t give attention to anyone until they show you with consistent action they are worth your time. You got this and I hope you continue to love love as you date. We need more people in the world with big hearts.
I hope this article was helpful! Feel free to share with anyone else you think would benefit from this message!
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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