Let’s jump right in.
1. Shared goals
When you look five or 10 years into the future, what do you see? What does your life look like? And more importantly, who’s a Partner?
When you’re in a lasting relationship, you naturally see your partner as a part of your future. It feels like your life just couldn’t unfold the same without them because, in that vision of your future, your significant other is an integral part of the life you’ve created.
Why is that?
Well, because you and your partner have built goals together, you created aspirations that you want to accomplish as a couple, maybe it’s moving to another country together or fixing up an old house. It really doesn’t matter what your shared goals are, as long as you created them together.
When you set those goals, you have something to work toward, some kind of mutual ambition that weaves your future into their ears. And that’s why couples with shared goals are not only more satisfied in the short term but are more likely to survive over time.
2. Open negotiation
In a healthy long-term relationship, you won’t always be on the same page as your partner.
People talk about how couples can read each other’s minds. Sometimes they can, but it’s okay if you want one thing and your partner wants another. It’s okay to butt heads every once in a while as long as there’s plenty of room for negotiation.
Now when I use the word ‘negotiation’, what comes to mind? You might picture yourself haggling with a vendor at the flea market, or discussing the terms of a business deal in a lasting relationship. Negotiation isn’t about who makes the most money, it’s not about tricking your partner into settling for less.
Healthy couples negotiate to find that compromise, you want to make a decision that you and your partner can both be happy with. Because unlike a flea market or a business deal, you should care about your partner’s profits just as much as your own. Don’t get me wrong, it’s important to pay attention to your own needs. But think about what that does to the relationship.
What would happen if your partner were only interested in serving themselves?
Over time it starts to feel lopsided, one person is constantly getting too much while the other is never getting enough. Even if your relationship looks fine on the outside, these one-sided compromises create resentment and distrust because you can only make so many sacrifices.
If you don’t honestly negotiate with your partner, you’ll feel more and more frustrated until it drives a wedge in your relationship.
So the next time you and your partner don’t see eye to eye, pay attention to the way you compromise. If you’re each trying to satisfy both of your needs, you’re more than likely in a lasting relationship.
3. Finding your rock
Imagine you’re rushing to work one morning to give a big presentation, but as you hustle into your office, you realize that you have all your prep work sitting on your desk at home. No, you don’t have time to drive back and get it yourself, so you call your partner you tell them it’s an emergency and you need their help. You ask them to pick up your work and bring it to your office because your job might depend on it.
If you’re in a lasting relationship, you rely on your partner in times like these, you trust them to come through when it matters. You know you can count on him, fall back on him, and depend on him because your partner is your rock and you’re theirs.
4. Mutual friendships
Do you get along with your partner’s friends?
Many people underestimate how important mutual friendships are to a lasting relationship. Your partner’s friends, especially their closest ones are going to be around for a long time. You’re going to see them on weekends and at parties. Your partner will want to go on double dates and invite their friends to your wedding.
The point is, that their friends aren’t going anywhere, so if you don’t get along with your partner’s friends, it’s going to create problems over and over again. That’s why mutual friendships are such a reliable sign of a lasting relationship. If you don’t fit naturally into your partner’s social circle, then you’ll find yourselves running into the same issues time after time.
5. Vulnerability
In a lasting relationship, you’re not afraid to be vulnerable around your partner. You expose your weaknesses and you show your partner that you’re not a perfect person.
Early on in any relationship, you want to hide your flaws from your partner. You want them to see you in the best possible light, but as your relationship matures, you should slowly but surely tear down those walls and show your partner every part of who you are, the good and the bad.
Sometimes exposing your weaknesses will create conflict and sometimes it does drive people apart. But if you really are in a lasting relationship, the vulnerability will only bring the two of you closer together.
6. Consistent laughter
Laughter is an essential part of any lasting relationship.
Strong, healthy couples share a sense of humor, they giggle at the same stupid stunts, and they come up with all kinds of references, and inside jokes to entertain each other.
Believe it or not, it’s not easy to find someone who shares your sense of humor, but if you do, there’s a good chance you’ll form a lasting connection with them. That’s because your sense of humor speaks volumes about your values and the way you were raised.
It comes directly from the people and places that have influenced you the most. If you find someone who cracks up at the same things you do, your personalities will often align in deeper, more meaningful ways.
7. Intertwining paths
You and your partner should always maintain individual goals, your relationship should never overshadow those lifelong aspirations.
However, in a lasting relationship, you won’t have to choose one or the other because you and your partner’s paths will naturally intertwine.
You should be able to stay in the relationship without having to sacrifice your dreams or force your life down a different path. If you let your relationships stifle your goals, you’re going to run into a lot more hardship down the road.
8. Embracing differences
Your partner should never be a carbon copy of you. It’s important to share hobbies, interests, and beliefs but you’re still two different people.
You each bring something to the relationship that the other person doesn’t have, the strongest couples love and embrace each other’s differences, and they cherish the individual quirks that make their partner stand out from the crowd.
But, not every couple can love each other’s weird habits. So if you’re constantly trying to change your partner, it probably means you haven’t found the right person.
9. Respecting family
Does your partner ever come between you and your family?
You should never feel like you’re in a tug of war between your loved ones.
If you’re in a lasting relationship, your partner should respect your other relationships, especially with family members. They should give you space to spend time with them and make an honest effort to get to know them because getting along with your family means they want to make a lasting impression.
They might even see themselves joining your family at some point in the future. To find out whether your relationship is going the distance, watch how your partner interacts with your family. If they care about bonding with your loved ones, then you too might be in for the long run.
10. Even distribution of power
Power is a tricky thing in any relationship.
Some partners take way too much and others take way too little. It’s easy for power to lean one way or the other. Lasting relationships find a proper balance, they give each other equal say in the relationship.
They pay equal attention to their feelings and they make decisions that both partners can agree upon. Now not every strong relationship has to be a perfect 50/50 split, but lasting couples do their best to keep a fair amount of power on either side.
11. Speaking your mind
Imagine your partner picking up a new habit that you just can’t stand.
Do you tell them how much it bothers you, or do you pretend that nothing’s wrong?
In new relationships, we often swallow the smaller complaints because we don’t know each other well enough to speak our minds. In a lasting relationship, you feel comfortable telling your partner anything.
If they’ve got an annoying new habit then you tell them that it bugs you. Because you’ve taken off your filter, you don’t need to try and swallow your frustrations anymore. The truth is when you’re honest with your partner, you’ve got a much better shot at staying together.
12. Collective enjoyment
Last but not least, for your relationship to last, it has to be fun, but not just for you.
A healthy relationship should be fun for both of you. You both should be smiling, you both should be excited to see each other.
I’m not saying you won’t run into a few rough patches, or that you won’t butt heads so often. But, for the right person, it’s worth it to push through those challenging moments.
If you’ve discovered someone you genuinely enjoy, they just might be your perfect fit.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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