We are built for connection, and there is no better connection than being in love with someone who is in love with you. It makes you smile on the inside.
But this need for connection can also drive us into and keep us stuck in unhealthy, unhappy relationships that wear down our souls.
I have experienced the worst relationship, living through 9 years of domestic abuse and have worked through various relationships, eventually finding my happily ever after. I have spoken with many people who have suffered unhealthy relationships and cannot find or sustain a healthy one.
I have friends and family who have enjoyed relationships that are still going strong many years and challenges later. Most recently, my 80-year-old aunt and uncle, who have been together since they were teenagers.
There are two things that these long-term, happy relationships all have in common. Those in these relationships (including myself) believe they are essential to a long and happy partnership.
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Having separate interests.
When you first meet someone, you want to spend all your time with them.
That’s natural. The dopamine rush is intense, and of course, you want more of that.
But you need time apart to maintain a healthy perspective of the relationship and where it’s going. Doing things separately and maintaining your previous friendships and interests is important. Spending every moment together will quickly escalate your relationship into co-dependency.
Once things have settled down and you have fallen into a committed relationship, it becomes even easier to take on each other’s interests and get involved in one another’s friend groups. This is a good sign of showing appreciation and acceptance of your partner’s interests and relationships.
But there’s a line.
You both need to continue to pursue your interests and see your friends away from each other. This helps you maintain your own and respect one another’s individuality. You are more than just the person you are when you are with them.
The fact they have a good time without you doesn’t mean they love you any less. A level of freedom comes with being in a secure, happy relationship, enabling you to enjoy your time apart without any worries or guilt.
- Short-term absence most definitely makes the heart grow fonder.
- Doing things separately gives you more things to talk about.
- Seeing your other half doing their own thing reminds you of the person you were attracted to in the first place.
- The space between you allows you to miss and think about each other, as you did at the start of your relationship.
You are an individual, as well as one-half of a couple.
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Having fun.
Fun is often high on the agenda when you first meet. Your relationship involves lots of evenings out, lustful moments, trying new things and meeting new people. It gets you all fired up and eager for more.
(If you are in a new relationship and are not having fun, consider if they are the right person for you.)
Once you get settled, life becomes more routine and loses its newness. You know you love each other; you want to be together; you’ve committed to a shared life, so it’s easy to start taking each other for granted. Life takes over and takes on predictability and a level of joint responsibility that can zap the fun out of it.
You stop making an effort for each other, and the things that used to amuse you now irritate you.
You schedule a date night once a month, which becomes just another thing to tick off your to-do list.
A lack of fun makes the relationship stale. It brings down the vibration until you are just going through the motions every day. It can also encourage you to look elsewhere for fun, creating another unhealthy dynamic.
Do you still laugh together?
Do you share your silly, goofy sides with each other?
We often do so when on a girls’ or boys’ night out (which, as above, are also important), but how often do you go out and have fun with your partner?
- Put time aside to enjoy each other’s company and be fully present.
- Do something new or different together.
- You haven’t got to go out to have fun. Put on some music, cook together, and play games.
- Do something that fills you both with nervous excitement.
- Flirt with each other.
Remind yourselves of the fun you used to have, the sparkle in each other’s eyes and how you used to be in your little bubble together — go back there now and again.
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There are many ingredients to a happy, healthy relationship. Each partnership is as individual as the two people in it. That’s what makes them so special and unique.
Maintaining a few separate interests and putting in the effort to have fun together greatly increases the chances of a long, fulfilling relationship.
If you are in a relationship that lacks fun and excitement, where you cannot be yourself or do things apart, carefully consider what you are getting from it and where it is heading long term.
A successful relationship adds to who you are as an individual.
As individuals, we thrive on a high vibration of fun, energy and enthusiasm. We grow when we have the freedom to pursue our own interests and have the confidence to be ourselves.
So, make sure your relationship supports you to enjoy everything you are, both when you are apart and together.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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