What do you think happens after a breakup for most people?
You reflect, analyze and heal, right?
Well, we know that is not the series of events for most people.
Everyone has their recovery method, and while each person responds differently, the sequence of events is more common than you think.
What do I mean?
I mean that responses to breakups follow patterns based on your attachment style.
While people may act differently, they have the same core reasons for their displays.
Your attachment style creates a set of triggers and responses that inevitably come up with pain, i.e., a breakup.
What does that mean for the fearful-avoidant?
If you are not working on the core of your attachment style, your recovery method from a breakup can feel right but be far off from what you need to do to recover.
…
Give me the ball
We all like to feel like we have some control over a situation, no matter what it is, right?
If we can manage the outcome, then we can ensure our safety. It’s human nature.
For the fearful-avoidant, it feels like twice the amount of a desire to have control.
Why? It is a trigger that results from past relationships, whether with an ex or events in their childhood.
At some point, they had no sense of control. It was either taken from them or never granted, and the pattern continued.
So what happens after a breakup?
The fearful-avoidant has to regain the control that they think they are losing.
It will occur if they are the ones who ended the relationship or if they were the ones who got dumped.
At the core of control is a loss of security, and instead of working with the other person to create security, they feel safer doing it alone.
It is why they are most likely less responsive to wanting to discuss things, and you feel the stonewalling or are the one doing it.
The phase takes time because it requires distance, time, and self-realization.
Hot potato
Guess what happens after a fearful avoidant has the moment of self-realization?
They skip through the meadows and live happily ever after!
What really happens is they doubt their feelings and go back and forth from believing them.
Depending on what side of the breakup you’re on, you have probably seen this hot and cold behavior.
Fearful avoidants desire a deep connection, but once it is lost, the barrier to regaining trust can be a mountain to climb.
The FA has to safeguard against the possibility of being hurt, and once they are, it is difficult to cross that wall.
It goes back to stonewalling. It is more so a mechanism to protect themselves from being hurt.
The hot days come from having times when they think about the positive, release, and let down the wall.
The cold days come from the doubt and lack of security.
The snowball
If there is an aspect that the fearful-avoidant must work on the most, it is the snowball effect of conflicts.
Two pieces of this come with the attachment style.
- The fearful-avoidant will use tiny issues and give them more meaning. It justifies their need to pull away.
- When there are gaps in a story, the FA will fill them in and give them more meaning like the first piece.
The trouble is that this will grow the wall between you and an ex.
It will also grow the wall between you and how you resolve issues internally.
Even if you want to leave a relationship and not return, the effects you feel will be more harmful in your mind.
Leaving a relationship becomes scarring, and you can grow resentful of the other partner.
…
I am very passionate about attachment theory because there are adjustments we can make that will give us a better chance at healthy relationships in the future.
Due to our current state in our attachment, we thoroughly believe our view of an issue is solid and correct.
We then go on to feel justified in our responses to issues.
The truth is that your needs and boundaries form from your current state in your attachment.
You think you have taken the time to think about your reaction and justify your actions.
You have to assess where you are in your attachment and how it has affected your life so far.
Before doing so, you have to know the layers of your attachment to understand how you’ve developed the mindset you have today.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS. Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
Compliments Men Want to Hear More Often | Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | ..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything |
—–
Photo credit: Saif71.com on Unsplash