Do you suspect your one and only is still in love with their ex?
I was out having dinner with a girlfriend recently, and there was a girl sitting near us who was on the verge of tears. She was trying to convince her boyfriend they belonged together.
He was quiet, but I heard him say, “I still love her.”
She listed more reasons they should stay together.
I wanted to pull her aside and tell her to stop — to walk away. If he doesn’t want to be there, let him go. In fact, open the door for him.
Though I’m not certain she was in a rebound relationship, I know it’s never fun to be on the receiving end.
How do you know if you’re in a rebound relationship?
Rebound relationships are a common occurrence.
And though they may be validating, even beneficial for the rebounder, it’s never easy to realize we were just a temporary fix for someone.
Unfortunately, rebound relationships aren’t always apparent — especially if our partner isn’t forthcoming with their feelings. And when we’re invested emotionally in the outcome, it makes it even harder to see.
Here are a few questions to start with:
- Do they talk about their ex all the time?
- Do they compare them to you?
- Do they still talk?
- Are you the priority or the ex?
- Do they give you mixed signals?
If you’ve answered yes to these questions, they’re signs they might not have let them go.
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1. If they’re still holding on, they’re not ready
Do they relive the good old days in their mind?
Letting go of an ex isn’t always easy, but necessary. And until they do, they can’t fully be there for you. So protect your heart because they still may not be able to give you theirs.
Even if they say they can.
It feels good when someone desires us — especially when we’re just coming out of a relationship. But getting involved too soon doesn’t allow time to process feelings and fully move on.
We can’t fast-forward or skip the pain of a broken heart.
2. You can’t fix them
First, it’s not our job. But even if we tried, we can’t do the work for them.
If they’re still in love with their ex (or even the idea), it’s not within our control to change it.
But we have control over whether we stay or go.
Getting over an ex takes time and intentional work — especially if they were on the receiving side of the breakup. Relationships are hard enough. But if another still holds their heart, we’re only setting ourselves up for pain.
3. Eventually, resentment sets in
Do they put forth the same effort as you?
If they’re not able or willing to meet your needs, resentment tends to build. It’s important to have a conversation and tell them how you feel. And then, pay attention.
Words don’t mean half as much as actions.
One-sided relationships are painful for the one giving everything — it requires two people to put in the time.
Trust your inner voice. The answers are there when we’re willing to listen.
“If you want to know someone’s mind, listen to their words. If you want to know their heart, watch their actions.” — unknown
Should you stay or go?
It’s not a straightforward question to answer.
Be clear on what is and isn’t acceptable. Set boundaries and stick to them — no matter how much you love them.
If you stay involved, you might not be the only person on their mind. They might still get back with their ex. Those are the stakes of a rebound relationship.
Key Takeaways:
- If they’re still holding onto the past, they may not be ready to give their heart to you
- You can’t fix them
- Eventually, resentment sets in
Confronting the truth isn’t always easy, but it’s the best thing we can do for ourselves. It helps us make decisions based on facts rather than feelings.
They may not even realize what they’re doing, so having an honest conversation matters. If you are the one for them, they’ll do the work — whatever it takes.
But it might mean stepping back and letting go until you’re both clear.
If they’re not willing, it may be best to move on.
If that’s the case, don’t sit around waiting; time is precious. Focus on your life. Work toward goals, and make a plan to move forward.
It’s well worth your time and effort to find someone who is emotionally available — someone who values you.
Trust yourself, and know you deserve more than a rebound relationship.
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When someone treats you like you’re just one of the many options, help them narrow down their choice by removing yourself from the equation.
Sometimes you have to try not to care, no matter how much you do. Because sometimes you can mean almost nothing to someone who means so much to you.
It’s not pride — it’s self-respect.… Don’t give part-time people a full-time position in your life.
Know your value and what you have to offer, and never settle for anything less than what you deserve. — Unknown
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Julie Gaeta is a Certified Holistic Health Coach accredited by the Institute for Integrative Nutrition. She’s a member of the American Association For Drugless Practitioners and an RYT yoga instructor. Julie is passionate about sharing the wisdom gained on her ongoing journey of raising a large bi-cultural family focused on navigating life as a divorced single mom — all while holding a commitment to health and wellness. In addition to stories like this, she writes about pursuing growth, enhancing nutrition, food, and healthy living.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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