We have all been in the middle of that awkward moment before. We just started dating someone new, and while it seemed like it was going well, a total change happened.
There is a honeymoon phase of a relationship, but there is also a honeymoon phase of dating.
Eventually, it wears off in both scenarios, and you get to know the naked version of someone.
In the worst cases, the person we met transforms into someone offloading their past onto us.
Yup, the baggage.
Before we get too deep into the article, this isn’t about shame and guilt. We all have experiences that move with us throughout our lifetime.
The more experiences pile up, the more it shapes your worldview.
The more your worldview is negatively affected, the more it gets projected onto the world around you.
While I don’t have to explain this to you, there are severe consequences if you bring these views to the dating market.
I understand that there are transitions we go through in life, but the flip side is your responsibility to manage them.
There’s a bright future ahead when you learn what is a hurdle in your path forward.
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Lego
As we navigate our dating journey, we have experiences that shape our preferences while we date or engage in a relationship.
It makes sense. It is like your food tastes changing as you get older.
Well, there is a difference between preferences and expectations.
Preferences equate to the choices between A and B, and while both are acceptable, you prefer B. Expectations equate to B becoming the only thing you will take.
We create boundaries that derive from needs we develop through those past experiences.
That makes sense.
Those boundaries can turn into demands if you do not map them correctly.
Expectations turn into demands if you don’t map them correctly.
The problem is when we implement expectations, there is no standard deviation, meaning it becomes all or nothing.
That translates to the insta-quit culture we see today. How many times have you talked to a friend, and they rejected someone or stopped seeing someone over a shallow expectation?
You’re not giving someone the time it takes to develop into the mold. Instead, you want someone who checks all the boxes out of the box.
When you develop this mindset, you drastically limit your dating pool while giving yourself the illusion that your views are legitimate.
That illusion is visible in the I deserve culture that we see today.
My point is not to kill standard expectations we should have in relationships. There is a fine line between an expectation becoming a line-in-the-sand demand.
First days out
We have all left a relationship and wanted to return to the market, so I don’t have to elaborate on the next point in too much detail.
You are not tainted or walking around with a scarlet letter if you are fresh out of a relationship, but I want you to be wary of the baggage of being new to single life.
The idea that you will put yourself back out there and try dating is problematic if it is not coming from the right place.
The question is, what version of yourself are you putting back out there?
- There is the scarred version that wants to get past the emotional stress and turmoil of their recent relationship. You’re heavily affected by the actions and behaviors of your last partner, so the next person has to fill the gap. You want someone the polar opposite of your ex, so anyone who comes close to their mode stands no chance.
Or
- Have you taken the time to create new boundaries and needs after diving into the differences that cause the incompatibility between you and your ex? Are you dating out of desire rather than a void? Do you know what reintroducing someone into your life looks like?
We should answer these bullets before we jump back into the dating pool. While we all deserve love, you are not entitled to someone else’s time and efforts if you are not approaching from an equally healthy stance.
Trust fall
The last bullet comes in a combo pack because it becomes broken within us and our perception when we “learn” to date again.
Our trust instantly becomes broken when we invest time and energy into a relationship that does not end well or results in a breakup.
When our trust fails, the first place it harms us is in our communication.
Some people become overly aggressive and jaded, and others don’t know how to express themselves safely.
Either will have extreme consequences if you don’t take the time to relearn what trust and communication look like in an actionable form.
Action items are crucial when you move forward.
What sounds correct doesn’t necessarily pave a path for what it looks like in action.
When you move past an old relationship, you express yourself from the position of knowing what doesn’t work for you. Again, tread slowly as you do it.
A prime example from our point here is saying, “I want someone who gives me quality time.” To you, it sounds like you have told someone your need. In action, you haven’t said much of anything.
Your trust becomes more fragile when you feel you have a need or boundary that doesn’t receive attention. It can turn into a dangerous cycle.
You think trust is about trusting another person, but it is deeper than that. It affects the trust you have in yourself and overall affects your ability to feel seen.
Trust issues destroy relationships before they even begin.
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I want you to get back out there as soon as you are ready. The key is to make sure you are.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean? | My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence |
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Photo credit: John Cameron on Unsplash