Relationships can be hard, especially when you’re first entering the complicated, yet fascinating world of dating.
There are some common mistakes we all tend to do in our first relationships. With every new relationship you form, the more insight you get into what works and what doesn’t in a relationship, and what you, individually need from a partner.
However, not everyone wants to get into relationship after relationship in order to gain the experience needed to make things work with a partner in the long run.
So, if you just started dating, or if you’ve been dating for quite some time, but only recently felt the need to form a meaningful, long-lasting relationship, here are four crucial things you should always keep in mind:
1. Other People’s Relationships Are Not Your Own
Most of us let social scripts influence us — even at a subconscious level. The term “social scripts” refers to certain norms and practices that are constructed by society and of course, influence the people living within it.
For example, we are taught that relationships should follow a specific pattern: we meet someone, we start dating, we get engaged, we get married, and then we have kids. That’s what the ideal relationship should look like — or so we are told.
The problem is that we often let social scripts affect our relationships in the sense that, when things don’t go according to these norms, we think that there’s something wrong with our relationship and we self-sabotage it.
Maybe your partner hasn’t introduced you to their family yet, not because they’re not serious about you, but because they prefer to keep their relationships private.
Or, just because your best friend got married after two years of dating, doesn’t mean you should get married too — maybe your partner doesn’t even believe in marriage.
At the end of the day, you should remember that other people’s relationships are not your own. A specific set of behaviors might suit and satisfy others but it may not be the right one for you or in accordance with your personality, needs, and overall mindset.
2. Not All Your Relationships Are Meant to Last
Sometimes it’s difficult to accept that a relationship should end.
Maybe you had finally found someone you could communicate with after a long search and you’re afraid you won’t find someone like them again.
Maybe you’ve been getting in relationship after relationship for years and you’re tired–you don’t have the mental strength to go in a search for a new partner.
Or maybe you’re a hopeless romantic like me and were hoping that your first relationship would be with the person you would spend the rest of your life with.
But, an ugly truth about life is that not all relationships are meant to last. Sometimes you realize you rushed getting into a relationship with the wrong person, sometimes, the love runs out, some others, you and your partner grow and change as the time passes.
Whatever the case may be, you should feel guilty for ending your relationship. It’s not your fault and it might not even be your partner’s fault. It’s just that not every one of your relationships is meant to last.
And, maybe, after all, that’s a good thing. Because, through every relationship you form, you get to know yourself a little better. Every one of your partners teaches you a different thing about yourself, what you like, what you don’t, and what you need in a relationship.
3. No one Can Save Your Relationship But You
Every relationship has its ups and downs. When the initial spark is gone, you have to work harder if you want your relationship to last in time.
Our circumstances change, human beings grow, new problems appear every day. We let these problems consume us and we suddenly forget to take care of our partners and give them the attention they deserve.
We let our relationship sink and sink, heading toward its demise. We might pretend that nothing’s wrong. We might wait, in hopes that things will get better in our relationship. We might even put the blame on our partner, even though we were the ones who started neglecting them in the first place.
The truth is, no one is gonna save your relationship but you. No one can save it but you. If you’ve realized that things between you and your partner are messy, that you’ve been neglecting each other, or that you’ve been drifting apart, take action. Fight for your relationship.
Not every relationship can be saved, of course, but at least you’ll know that you have tried and didn’t just leave your relationship to fate.
4. A Toxic Relationship Is Always Gonna Be Toxic
Getting into a relationship with a toxic person is an easy trap to fall into. They are usually extremely charming, good at seduction, and never show their true colors at the beginning of a relationship.
It’s always the same story: by the time you realize how toxic your partner is, you might be overly attached to them, and feel unable to end the relationship.
You keep thinking that your partner is gonna change eventually and that your relationship will stop being so unhealthy. Maybe if you change yourself and your actions, they will change as well, right?
Well, that’s not how things work. You can’t fix people.
Unfortunately, a toxic relationship is always gonna be toxic. You shouldn’t try to fool yourself — your partner is never gonna change. The best thing you should do is be brave and run as far away as possible from your toxic partner.
Final Thoughts
Whenever I’m asked what a perfect relationship should look like, I always say that each relationship is unique and that there are no rules in love.
I could only talk about myself and how my perfect relationship should look like, but what works for me in a relationship might not work for you.
After all, we all have different needs, tastes, habits, and overall, different personalities.
But, whatever your preferences regarding relationships might be, there are four crucial things that are essential to keep in mind, for every relationship’s well being:
- Other people’s relationships are not your own. Stop comparing your relationship to that of your sister’s, your best friend’s, or to the one society promotes. Every person involved in a relationship is unique, which means that every relationship is unique as well.
- Not all your relationships are meant to last. It’s okay to end a relationship — you shouldn’t feel guilty about it or think it’s your fault.
- No one will save your relationship but you. If you care about your relationship, you should always fight for it. If you and your partner are drifting apart, or keep neglecting each other, don’t just sit idly by. Work to make things better (as long as your partner is willing to work, as well).
- You shouldn’t feel ashamed for falling for a toxic person. It’s an easy trap to fall into, and, after a while, it becomes extremely difficult to leave a toxic relationship. But, if you happen to be in/form in the future a toxic relationship, you should always remember one simple truth: a toxic relationship is always gonna be toxic. It’s best to walk away as soon as you can, as painful as it might be.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Artsy Vibes on Unsplash