It’s been brewing for months.
You see them at work every day. Or at the gym. Or even at your kid’s little league practice.
They’re attractive, funny, and intelligent.
And the longer you’re around them, the more you look forward to being around them.
You take extra measures to look good when you know you’ll be seeing them.
You exchange the work flats for heels. Instead of throwing on your ratty t-shirt and paint-stained running shorts, you purchase form-fitting workout gear for the gym. You volunteer to take your child to all their sporting events so you can talk to them alone, telling your partner you know they need time to recover from a long day at work.
And not only do you change your appearance, but your thoughts also change.
You can’t get them out of your head. You begin to think about spending time with them outside of your daily interactions, about being with them instead of simply being in their presence.
And though you love your significant other, you don’t know how to stop the fantasies that keep wiggling their way into your brain.
Sometimes it even scares you to think about precisely what you would do if the attraction were mutual and you were alone together.
Would you be able to say no? Would you be able to remain loyal to your lover?
And if even a tiny part of you doesn’t think you could resist the urge to give in to temptation, you’re swimming in dangerous waters.
So, here are things to try to break the obsession.
Stay away or establish boundaries
Self-help author Richard Templar states:
“Letting go and walking away means you are exercising control and good decision-making powers–you are making your choice rather than letting the situation control you.”
When you’re attracted to someone, they’re like a drug you need to keep taking to feel “high.”
The attraction is an addiction of sorts — a strong one.
Unfortunately, withdrawal is a painful necessity to break free.
So if you know your crush eats their lunch in the office breakroom, don’t go there. If you know they go to the gym at five p.m., go exercise earlier or later.
And for you poor souls who’ve got to constantly work with the one you’re attracted to, there are still steps you can take to break ties.
For example, plan out boundaries you will abide by when you’re around this person. For example, decide to keep as much physical space between you as possible. And when your dialogue steers itself towards intimate conversation, move it in another direction.
By setting boundaries, you’re doing what Templar says above. You’re taking control over your temptations and not being victim to them. You’re acting instead of reacting, and this form of self-control will serve to minimize the things that make the attraction grow.
It will be challenging to follow through on these methods, but try to console yourself with the thought that eventually, distance will help break the connection. (Notice I said eventually, not at first. So be prepared for the withdrawal pains I mentioned earlier.)
Understand the fantasy
When you’re attracted to someone, especially someone you spend a lot of time with, you usually only see the good things.
You may even begin to subconsciously compare them to your partner, with your partner falling short every time.
The person you’re crushing on may make you laugh, give you compliments, or really listen to you in a way you feel is missing from your lover.
And that doesn’t even compare to the physical attraction that’s there, that tingly heated state of lust you used to feel for your partner.
But the truth is, the flawless image you have is of your crush is a distorted version of reality.
Elite Daily cites Dr. Jess O’Reilly, sex therapist and podcaster of Sex With Dr Jess, who explains this phenomenon. She states:
“When you’re physically attracted to someone you don’t know well, your mind may subconsciously fill in the blanks to create an ideal sexual partner; You assume that they’re good in bed, kind, compassionate, attentive, loving, funny, and charming because you want to like them. However, the truth is that no one’s perfect.”
So, remind yourself of this fact when you’re in your interest’s presence, and try directing your attention to the less than ideal traits they possess.
Focus your energy on your mate’s positive qualities
There’s a reason you’ve been with your partner for as long as you have. So think about those things instead of obsessing over someone you can’t have.
For example, think of all the times your partner lifted you up when you were down, supported you when others didn’t, or made nights together with you sizzling hot.
Keeping these positive memories in front of your mind will lessen your attraction to someone else simply because your focus is directed elsewhere.
Motivational speaker Ester Hicks explains how a shift in focus can help decrease your intrusive thoughts about the person you are attracted to. She states:
“The longer you focus upon something, the more powerful it becomes; and the stronger that your point of attraction is to it, the more evidence of it appears in your life experience. Whether you are focusing upon things you want or things you do not want, the evidence of your thoughts continually flows toward you.”
In other words, the more you remind yourself of the special qualities of your partner, the less you will be compelled to concentrate on the object of your attention.
Understand the reasons for your attraction, and use what you learn to reconnect with your partner
Mind, Body, Green uses marriage therapist Gal Szekely to explain that, with a bit of soul searching, some good can actually come out of an unwanted attraction.
Szekely states:
“Our fantasies show us what we’re attracted to. They’re about wanting to have a certain experience more than they are about the real other person. What you fantasize about is a compass leading you to what’s important to you… So, you should ask yourself: In my fantasy, how do I feel about myself? What experience does it provide for me? Then, see if there are other ways you can invite that experience into your life, especially with your current partner.”
In other words, by questioning the nature of your attraction to someone else, you can use the information you find to recreate intimacy in your long-term relationship.
For example, ask yourself what emotional needs your crush is fulfilling. Do they make you feel special? Why? Do they fill you with an excitement, anticipation, and adrenaline rush that your partner doesn’t?
Then use the answers to strategize what you and your partner can do to re-create those feelings in the relationship.
Maybe it’s a date night out, one where you see your mate’s eyes light up when you put on that dress he loves along with a pair of high heels?
Maybe it’s a trip to a romantic destination, where the two of you can talk and reconnect without the responsibilities and pressures of everyday life.
Maybe it’s an exciting escapade or adventure that gets your blood flowing, such as doing a zip-line together, going mountain climbing, or camping.
A lot of improvement in your relationship can also come from sitting down and having a heart-to-heart with your partner. You don’t have to tell them about your crush. But you do have to tell them what’s in your heart.
Tell them you’re feeling bored or unattractive. Tell them you want more intimate time in your life together.
Be kind — but be honest.
Just let them know how you feel, and ask them to brainstorm with you on ways the both of you can relight the fire that has been fizzling out.
If your partner truly loves you, they’ll want to make changes to bring you closer together.
And those changes may require work from the two of you, but they may just fill in the empty space that made you dream of someone else.
The bottom line:
Author Roseanna White says:
“Just because a feeling is natural does not mean it should be indulged.”
Attraction is an automatic response. But if you genuinely love your partner and want to make it work, you need to stop putting your relationship in harm’s way by nurturing your feelings for someone else.
If you don’t, you’re asking for trouble, a trouble that could very quickly take away the one person in the world you love most.
So please, please, please, be careful.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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