One of life’s greatest disappointments is the realization that someone is no longer a friend. It’s worse when you realize someone wasn’t even a friend, to begin with. You feel used, ashamed and often question your own worth. Why couldn’t that person see the value you brought? It’s a tough reality.
Often, the disappointment you suffered could be due to improper categorization. Friends and acquaintances are two different things. Drinking buddies and friends are also different. Too many people label anyone they have a positive interaction with as a “friend.”
We use the word so frequently that it’s lost its sentimental meaning. The saying “good friends are hard to come by” didn’t come from nowhere. Friendships are earned, not given.
However, people can become blind to the ways friends treat them — in particular, shitty friends. Their actions may seem obvious on paper, yet ambiguous when you’re in a bad friendship.
We are prone to subconsciously and consciously excuse bad behavior for a myriad of reasons. Maybe we’ve known them for too long and have been conditioned to accept their behavior. Maybe it’s not so outwardly egregious that we are unaware of it. Maybe we are too afraid to let go.
Regardless of the reasoning, it’s important to be aware of someone who may be negatively impacting your life.
Based on my experiences and observations, I want to discuss the 5 obvious, but not so obvious signs that you have a shitty friend.
Their phone comes before you.
Have you ever spent “quality time” with a friend only for them to seemingly be on their phone the entire time? You know, those moments where you ask questions and they respond half a minute later after sending off 5 texts. I’m not talking about the moments where you or a friend answer a text once in a while. I’m talking about those friends who can’t put their fucking phone down when you all hang out.
I don’t believe people are trying to be intentionally disrespectful by constantly being on their phones. However, this is one of the most disrespectful things a “friend” can do — and to make matters worse, it’s more common than ever.
This annoying habit communicates that your time is of little value to the other person. This habit shows that other people or past events recorded on a screen are more important than you in the present moment. It’s a disgusting habit and it’s tacky. A text can wait. Watching a story can wait. Posting a photo can wait. Digital platforms and text messages aren’t going anywhere. It’s a slap in the face to you as someone who took the time and energy out of their own day to hang out with someone who can’t put their phone down.
If you find that you spend time with a friend who consistently prioritizes their phone over showing consideration for your time, you may have a shitty friend.
You Only Hangout On Their Terms
You make yourself available to hangout, but after a while you seem to notice that you’re always on the back-burner. You find yourself getting rain-checked more often than not. Your makeup dates keep getting pushed back over and over again. Or, sometimes you find that nothing gets rescheduled at all. Essentially, this person does not care to hangout with you until it greatly benefits them.
You see them whenever they wish to hangout. You do what they do when they want to do it. Hanging out with them feels like it’s more of a convenience for them as opposed to you.
When it comes to hanging out — everything is one sided.
If you find yourself in a situation where you’re exerting more effort than the other person to hangout — this may be a sign that you have a shitty friend.
They Make Jokes Disguised As Insults
Jokes can be a great way for people to come together. Jokes can also be a way of someone discretely indicating how they feel about you. They can be a way for people to passively self project their insecurities onto you. I’ll provide you with an example.
A few years back I was at a bar with a couple of guys and decided to purchase a few shots for the group. As I went to pay for the drinks, one of the guys I considered a friend for years made a comment that rubbed me the wrong way. He stated “now I know you’re not making good money like that!” for the entire group to hear. He wanted to indicate that I couldn’t afford what I had purchased. Mind you, I was working at as an engineer at the time and this same individual was unemployed.
This remark annoyed me for several reasons. Number one, this individual had no understanding of my financial situation. Number two, this announcement was used as a condescending joke to belittle me in front of others. Number 3, and most importantly, it made me reflect on the numerous times this individual had done similar actions in the past.
Needless to say, this same individual is still unemployed and I have gone on to increase my monetary gains. Currently, the comment has little effect on me, but serves a reminder that jokes can be used as a weapon to tear people down while building up someone else’s self esteem. Be cognizant of seemingly innocuous jokes as they may indicate that you have a shitty friend.
They Hear You But They Don’t Listen
This point may seem obvious, but friends who don’t listen often do so in cunning fashion. Shitty friends may position themselves to hear you but they don’t listen. The key differences between hearing and listening are genuine acknowledgment and thoughtful responses. When we hear something we don’t care for, we typically follow up with a short response displaying apathy and indifference. When we are listening to someone we are likely to acknowledge what they have said and follow up with genuine responses or questions. Listening conveys engagement and interest. A shitty friend will consistently lack genuine engagement and interest unless the topic pertains to themselves or their interests.
You Don’t Make the Social Media Cut
This point may seem shallow, but bare with me because we have to go there. Personally, I don’t post a ton on social media. This is more of a conscious effort to remove myself from the dependency of social media. But in this rare case, I’m the exception and not the rule. Many young, and now older individuals have a straight up addiction to social media. People try so hard to downplay the importance of social media to appear less shallow. We’ve all heard the line “it’s just _____ (insert social media platform)!! Get over it!”. But it’s not just a platform.
For so many people, social media is their life. With that being said, people use the platform to show off any and every facet of their lives and that includes their friends. If you have a “friend” who’s heavily active on social media and they’re constantly posting pics and stories with everyone else but you — chances are they don’t value you as much as they claim. They may think you’re unattractive, not “cool enough”, etc. The reasoning doesn’t matter. Pay attention to see if your friends include you on their digital platforms, otherwise you may have a shitty friend.
Bonus: You Have A Gut Feeling
When it comes to shitty friends, albeit discrete or obvious, you inherently know. There is that gut feeling or little voice in your mind that keeps telling you something is wrong with this friendship. You suppress it because you’re hopeful your friend will change. It briefly goes away once you get a pity invite after being rain-checked the last 5 times. It may go silent few moments they show you any sense of appreciation. But as time goes on that voice and gut feeling remain. Remember, your mind has collected data for years on a subconscious and conscious level. It observes thousands of human patterns on a daily basis. When your instincts tell you something isn’t correct, more often than not it’s worth investigating.
Conclusion
If you have a friend that has any or a combination of these attributes take the time to evaluate your friendship. Look for consistencies in their actions. More often than not, these distinct occurrences have happened for quite some bit of time. Evaluate the qualities in a friendship that you want and make the proper adjustments that will get you there.
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Previously Published on medium
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