The saying is clear: actions speak louder than words.
I believe that firmly. People’s actions show their true intentions.
But have you ever met a guy who behaves like the perfect gentleman but says he doesn’t want a relationship? Why would he put so much effort into you if he wasn’t serious? He’s certainly interested, isn’t he?
Well, maybe not.
When you start dating, the rules are unclear. You’re not officially in a relationship, but you kind of act like you are. What’s worse: you don’t want to ask because you don’t want to seem too desperate (nobody likes desperate people).
Dating is confusing enough, and a guy who says one thing but does another isn’t helping you.
But instead of overinterpreting his actions (they don’t always speak louder than words), let me give you an impartial perspective. This way, you won’t be fooled by what he says.
If his actions confuse you, here are a few things he says that doesn’t mean you’re in a relationship:
1. “I like you.”
Okay, so he says he likes you. That’s as clear as it gets, isn’t it? He has feelings for you.
Except he can like many things: sports, bars, philosophy… you name it. But I’m sure he doesn’t want to date Socrates. Do you want to be in a relationship with everyone you like (including friends, coworkers, and even one-night stands)?
This feeling of “I like you” is a great start. But it can also be misleading.
You gain a lot from relationships (otherwise, nobody would do it). Everyone wants to be loved. But there’s a flip side: when you’re in a relationship, you also give up on a lot. And that includes dating other people.
You have to make a balance between the upsides and downsides.
So when he says, “I like you,” it’s not a lie. He might have feelings for you. But it doesn’t make you official. Maybe he’s still making that balance and getting to know you. Or maybe he likes you, but not enough for a relationship.
“Liking someone” is great, but it’s not enough to start a relationship.
2. “Good night.”
Do you know when you go to sleep, and your mind travels through unthinkable places? Well, if he texts you good night, it means he thought of you at that moment.
Yes, it’s sweet that he thought of you before going to sleep. But a good night text is still not a sign that you’re serious.
What if he just wants to be polite? What if he said it without thinking?
A guy can be sweet when he’s getting to know you. Just because you’re not serious, it doesn’t mean he has to treat you like cr*p. So don’t overthink a nice gesture. You don’t want to date people just because they’re nice (otherwise, you’re willing to date many people).
A good night text means he wanted to say good night. That’s all.
3. “I had the best time with you.”
When a guy says he had the best time with you, you outshined everyone else. You enjoy being together, and that’s how couples should be.
Except dating is supposed to be fun.
You’re supposed to enjoy meeting people, flirting, and getting to know one another. When you think about it, having a great time is the bare minimum to going out with someone (let alone starting a relationship).
He can enjoy the time with you, but he also enjoys hanging out with his friends (and I’m sure he doesn’t want to date his friends). We can’t date anyone simply because it’s fun together. Love takes more than that.
It’s a great sign that you have fun together. But that is still far from a relationship.
4. “We have the most meaningful conversations.”
Men have their guards up because they’re not as emotionally sensitive as women. It takes intimacy to open up and share their vulnerabilities and fears. And intimacy is the first step toward a relationship.
You’re right: relationships are made of intimacy.
But just because you have meaningful conversations, it doesn’t mean he’s in love with you.
Some people are simply an open book and don’t mind sharing their intimacy. Others are more extroverted and enjoy talking more. Or maybe you have a genuine connection, and he’s getting to know you.
Even if he trusts you enough to be vulnerable, there’s a chance he just wants to know you. That’s what dating is for: seeing if you could have a relationship with the other person. And being intimate is part of that process. So maybe he’s only testing the waters with you.
You may be intimate with him, but you’re also intimate with your friends, aren’t you?
5. “I’m not seeing anyone else.”
The biggest difference between dating and a serious relationship is monogamy. When you make things official, you give up on meeting other people. It’s the biggest sacrifice of relationships.
A man willing to make this sacrifice surely wants a serious relationship, right?
This is the trickiest one because, in practice, there’s little difference between not seeing other people and a serious relationship.
Except there’s more to relationships than monogamy. Healthy relationships depend on hard work, compatibility, attraction, and more. They take constant effort only to stay alive.
Yes, monogamy is a big part of relationships. But imagine this: your guy doesn’t want to meet other people. At the same time, he wants to travel the world by himself to go on a self-discovery journey.
In that case, seeing other people doesn’t matter. You’re still not his priority.
Serious relationships also require dedication, and maybe he’s just not willing to do that (although he doesn’t want to meet other people).
. . .
Don’t get me wrong: men who say these things are not evil. I’m sure they’re not trying to manipulate you (nobody goes around fooling people). Just because he hasn’t made things official, it doesn’t mean he’s a bad person.
That’s why labels matter.
When you say “we’re official,” you know what to expect from one another. You don’t overinterpret signs, looking for something that’s not there.
If you’re seeing each other for a long time, everything points out to a serious relationship, and he still doesn’t want to make it official, you’re not official. No matter what he says or does.
It’s up to you to decide what you accept or not.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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