Those 6 quick tips can help you boost your self-confidence instantly.
And if you do them long enough, you will eventually notice a substantial difference in your overall confidence around others.
They are simple shifts in how you think about and perceive yourself, others, and the situation. Yet, this simple shift is very effective.
Let’s waste no time.
#1 Stop putting people on a pedestal
In social situations, some people think they’re interacting with superheroes.
They believe those they’re interacting with don’t feel bad, don’t feel insecure, are always confident, don’t have their downtimes, don’t have problems, are immune to pain, can fly, and probably have a sword somewhere in their closet.
In other words, they put other people on a pedestal, and they look down on themselves.
Look, those people you meet daily, even the most confident ones, aren’t super-humans. They feel bad sometimes, feel insecure just like you, and have their own problems, fears, aspirations, hopes, disappointments, regrets, glory moments, and tears.
They make mistakes too. They don’t like rejection and even fear it. And some of them are afraid of you just as much as you’re afraid of them.
We’re all humans, not superheroes. No one is perfect.
So, that confident guy you feel small around him is just a human like you, with ups and downs, rights and wrongs, confidence and insecurities.
#2 Assumptions are the root of all heartaches
Your thoughts and beliefs about yourself govern your perception and how you interpret the world.
That’s why it is a good idea to stop assuming anything when you start to feel insecure. Realize how destructive, unreliable, and biased your assumptions can be.
For instance, assuming that the guy who is always quiet around you (and just gives you weird looks) hates you. Or assuming that those guys who were sitting there talking and looking at you were talking about how ugly and unconfident you look.
Stop it!
That guy who you think hates you could be shy. He could be anxious. He could be just quiet and doesn’t like to talk a lot. Or he might have no opinion of you at all, and he was thinking about his cat.
Those guys who were whispering to each other could’ve been talking about how you look like somebody they know. They could’ve been talking about something that isn’t related to you at all.
Why pick up the worst scenario?
In short, next time someone ignores you or treats you kind of badly, stop your wild thoughts right there and don’t assume anything at all.
You will just destroy your self-confidence because you will only assume negative things that perpetuate your negative beliefs about yourself and the people around you. I wrote in more detail about managing assumptions here.
#3 Handle criticism like a pro.
Many people have a tough time dealing with criticism. They don’t like it. They consider it a personal attack that reveals their weakness.
Here are some tips to handle criticism more effectively, and maybe even embrace it:
1- Make sure you get rid of perfectionism:
Stop trying to be perfect. Perfectionism stems from shame and insecurities.
2- Constructive criticism is nothing to be ashamed of:
Those who criticize you because they love you, or at least because they want you to improve and wish the best for you, are good people with good intentions.
You should listen to them. Discuss it with them and learn something or two. Especially if they know what they’re talking about. Here is an article to help you understand who to listen to and who to ignore.
3- The rest of the criticism is pointless and should be totally ignored:
Some criticize you because they love you.
But some criticize you because they:
- hate you
- are jealous of you
- hate themselves
- hate the entire world
- don’t like seeing somebody succeeding or trying to
- and the list goes on.
So, they criticize you to put you down and feel good about themselves. Or simply because they are having a bad day and didn’t get enough sleep.
4- 99.99% of the time, it’s not about you:
As we said, some people hate themselves.
Some people project their insecurities, fears, and lack of self-confidence on others to feel good about themselves.
This type of criticism is not about you at all. It’s about the person who is criticizing you.
#4 Detoxify your social circles
Some people out there are very good at making you feel small. And even if you were self-confident, you’d lose your self-confidence after being around them for a while.
Some people are insecure, and they project their insecurities onto you. They’re cowards, so they make want you to believe you’re a coward because that makes them feel braver.
They lack something, so they make you think that you lack it too.
Other people are just negative, they see the bad side in everything, including themselves and even your personality. It’s just how they see the world, it has nothing to do with you. They zoom in on the negativity.
Get away from them as well.
There are worse types of people. Narcissists, for example, will hurt you. Manipulative psychopaths will exploit you. I will not get into detail about how to spot toxic people here, and it is not even necessary.
As a general rule, beware of those who, no matter how great of a day you’re having, manage to make you feel worthless. Get away from them.
Get away from anybody who makes you feel like there’s something wrong with you, even if those people are close friends or close family members.
#5 Master the lost art of being assertive
Assertiveness is standing up for your own rights and making sure you get your needs met.
Lacking assertiveness may mean you don’t know your rights, you don’t know how to stand up for them, or you are afraid of doing so.
Here are some of your rights as a human being:
- The right to say no without explaining yourself (but without being an a*hole).
- The right to be treated with respect.
- The right to make mistakes and not make anybody make you feel worthless if you make one.
Letting people walk over you because you lack assertiveness will make you lose your self-respect. That is too costly.
Assertiveness, on the other hand, will make your brain think highly of you. Think of your brain as an outside observer. When it sees you protecting your rights, it will be proud of you.
Put your needs first. It’s not selfishness to refuse to do something when you feel like someone is asking for too much.
Stand for yourself each time you feel like you’re not treated with respect or when your rights and boundaries are not being respected.
Remember. Every time you say yes to someone, you’re saying no to yourself.
If you have other important things to do, and someone is asking you to help him with his studies, then just say no to him and yes to yourself.
You can explain why or you can simply say no. Some will understand, others won’t. But it doesn’t matter.
What matters is that your brain, as an outside observer, will think highly of you because you’re respecting yourself enough to stand up for your rights. And vice versa.
What matters is that you will not sacrifice yourself for others. I am not saying you should not help others, but you should pour from a full cup.
And to fill your cup, you need to invest in yourself first and say no to distractions.
#6 Here’s how to deal with self-consciousness
Self-consciousness sucks. It is one of the things that make people suffer in social situations and feel less confident.
Below I’ll share two strategies that will help you reduce self-consciousness:
Consciously focus outwards:
Self-consciousness is when your focus is directed inward. So, you need to switch your focus outward.
Focus on the things around you. Notice the color of the clothes the person you’re talking to is wearing. Listen closely to what they are actually saying. Notice the weather today.
Find something special about the person you’re talking to (their eye color, the tone of their voice …etc) and focus on it (but be careful not to judge it, just focus on it). This will help you be more present and less focused on yourself.
Prove to yourself that it’s just in your mind:
When you’re in public next time and you start to feel self-conscious, look around you to see if the whole world is looking at you or not.
Slowly, look at the people around you, without drawing their attention to you, and see where they’re looking at.
99% of the people around you most probably aren’t looking at you, and almost all of them don’t care about you that much. They are minding their own business. And you are not under the spotlight (there is no spotlight).
Do that a few times to shake off the belief that everybody is looking at you.
Bonus tip:
Read this study that found that most people don’t care that much, even if you were wearing a silly and embarrassing t-shirt.
I hope this was helpful
If you enjoyed reading this, Get free 12 practical tips on how to:
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Zachary Nelson on Unsplash