My ex gave me Chlamydia, yet I wondered if I was the problem.
Was I demanding too much? Was the sex not good enough so he had to go somewhere else?
Ironically, by blaming myself, I was walking in the opposite direction of peace. It wasn’t until I did a boot camp in 2019 by a breakup expert that I stopped hating and slowly started loving myself.
In this article, I share the skills I’ve learned from 5+ love experts that helped me find peace and self-love after a toxic relationship.
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Self-forgiveness
Did you know there are 62 passages in the bible with the word forgive and 27 with the word forgiveness but not a single one tells you how to do it?
In her inspiring TED talk, Sarah calls forgiveness “the Nike of spiritual gifts — Just do it.” Yet, we all know it’s one of the hardest things to do, EVER.
Why?
Because ultimate forgiveness is a feeling and not an act. Before reaching the final stage, you’ll do many acts of forgiveness, and let’s be honest: you won’t feel it.
Yet, it’s important to understand that you can only move on and leave your toxic relationship behind if you start to forgive yourself. You can’t be a healthy person or attract a healthy partner if you have the underlying belief that you don’t deserve that. And by not forgiving yourself, you do exactly that.
How to practice self-forgiveness:
- Acknowledge what you did wrong in the relationship (e.g. ignoring red flags, letting your boundaries be crashed)
- Take it as learning to not repeat that mistake — make promises to yourself to do things right from now on and work to heal your wounds
- Instead of trying to change the past, focus on the future and write down concrete steps of what you’ll do differently
Compassion
I love Layla Martin’s analogy of a tiny, newborn kitten.
How would you touch it? How would you speak to it? How would you react if it made a mistake?
Now imagine you’re this kitten. How you treat it is the embodiment of compassion. You’d never harshly grab this kitten or loudly criticize it if it made a mistake, would you?
The only purpose of guilt is to learn from it — not use it against you or to fuel self-hatred. If you’re coming out of a toxic relationship, you’re already going through a lot of difficult emotions. This is not the time to beat yourself up.
What you need is compassion for yourself. Show compassion for the part that wanted someone who loved you. Show compassion for the part that wanted to see the good in the other person. Show compassion for the part that wanted to have a partner.
It’s all totally understandable. Whenever the critics get louder, stop and ask yourself: How can I show a little compassion to myself?
Here are some ideas:
- Gently touch yourself, give yourself a 5-minute head or foot massage
- Look into the mirror and speak lovingly to yourself (remember the kitten!)
- Give yourself a hug
- Say out loud: “It’s okay to have these thoughts. I just wanted to be loved/worthy/appreciated like everyone else.”
Accept That You Can’t Understand Others
Breakup expert Susan Elliott once said, and I’ll never forget it:
Trying to understand a narcissist is like trying to understand a mass murderer.
Even if your ex wasn’t a narcissist or you’ve left the relationship, chances are you’re still trying to make sense of every piece of it. You keep wondering why they said or did this and try to analyze it.
Stop right there. People leave, cheat or lie for all kinds of reasons and we can never understand it fully. If they can’t even understand their actions, how will you?
Often with toxic relationships, we become FBI agents. We read every article about what issues the other person might have when in reality we should understand our issues.
To truly find peace it’s so important to stop making sense of every move the other person did. You have to put the focus back on yourself and start to understand why YOU did (or didn’t do) certain moves.
Don’t Lower Your Standards
Sometimes, in my coaching, people who come from toxic relationships ask:
“Maybe I just have to lower my standards?!”
The answer is: No. We’re talking about basics like faithfulness and honesty which should be a must in every healthy relationship.
Before you think about lowering your standards and trying to accept the cheating, lying, blaming, or criticizing partner, write the following 2 lists:
- List 1: All the times your ex-partner lied to you (feel free to write down the exact wording), belittled you, hurt you, blamed you, didn’t fulfill your basic needs, etc. Make this as detailed as possible.
- List 2: Write down all the reasons why you DON’T deserve the above.
A huge part of self-love is to understand why you don’t deserve to be treated badly. I’m sure when you see the relationship as it truly was and how much you suffered, you wouldn’t wish that on anyone else. Don’t wish it upon yourself.
Accept It’s Not You
Likely, you’ll start thinking about all the things that were wrong with you and why this person might have treated you the way they did. So often, we turn to physical attributes: Were my boobs too small? Do I not have enough abs?
Screw that. You weren’t in a toxic relationship because you’re not worthy of love. You were in a toxic relationship because you can’t see you’re worthy of love.
You’re pure love, every cell of your body. But you have to see it yourself first.
One of the most powerful exercises for self-love I’ve encountered is the “pillow exercise”, some inner-child work. Situate yourself in a quiet space, on a pillow, and place another pillow in front of you. Play some relaxing music or light a few candles. Now take 3 deep breaths and ask yourself:
- Which part of you still feels unworthy or unloved?
- Take your time. Breathe, relax and visualize that part of you. Maybe a specific situation or sentence comes up.
- Visualize it as detailed as possible: How old were you? What did you wear? What were you thinking/feeling?
- Now, imagine this part of you is sitting on the pillow in front of you. Open your eyes.
- What do you want to say to that part? Do you want to give it an imaginary hug? Whatever you feel like this part needs to hear/feel, do it.
- Affirm this part of you that it’s loved and worthy. Tell it you’ll take good care of it now and let it go.
Those are your unhealed parts which are amongst the reasons you ended up in a toxic relationship. Showing love and compassion to them will free you.
Affirmations
If there’s one thing you shouldn’t miss to find peace after a toxic relationship, it’s affirmations. Here are some of my favorites that I say out loud daily:
“I deserve to be treated with love and respect.”
“I deserve a partner who makes me feel safe.”
“I deserve to forgive myself. I deserve to receive only good things in my life.”
Many people claim affirmations don’t work for them and I get it. You might be doing them wrong (here’s an article on how to do them right) or not often/long enough. You’ll have to say them at least twice a day, 21 days in a row.
To make them even more effective, you want to get into your body while doing them. What does that mean?
When you visualize and imagine how you want to feel (e.g. treated with respect, feeling safe), you’re training your nervous system to adapt to this new reality. You’re helping your body shift from present feelings of unworthiness to feeling loved.
So instead of only thinking your way through new beliefs, try to feel them, too. You have to talk to yourself lovingly and kindly daily if you want to find back to self-love. Stop the inner critic as soon as you realize it.
Take Responsibility
Ironically, what gave me the most peace is knowing I am fully responsible for my life.
Yes, it can be hella scary sometimes. But after having toxic partners, we often pity ourselves or hope for others to change. If you wait for something/someone on the outside to fix the situation, you’ll wait forever.
Don’t just be a passenger of your life, get into the driver’s seat and start to drive!
Every partner is a reflection of the parts you have to work on yourself.
Reflect upon the following:
- What was my contribution to the toxic dynamics?
- Were there times I should have acted but didn’t? Why?
- Were there times I ignored red flags? Why?
- Were there times I should’ve set a boundary but didn’t? Why?
It’ll bring peace knowing you’re doing everything that you can. It’ll bring peace knowing you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be. It’ll bring peace knowing you’re taking baby steps in the right direction every day.
Peace can only return when you understand you’re the creator of your relationships and nobody else.
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You’ve Got This
I know you’re so frustrated and don’t think you can ever find peace again after a toxic relationship. When I found out I had chlamydia, my self-worth plunged to zero and I truly hated every part of myself and my life.
You’ll feel resistant at first but by practicing the above tools, you’ll slowly shed all those layers of unworthiness. You’ll reclaim your power by taking responsibility for your healing journey instead of waiting for others to change.
To this day, I practice ALL of the above tools (some days I’m better than others) and I’m dead certain they’re the reason I live a peaceful life today.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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