Apparently, if you have no friends, you face the same danger as a smoker who risks dying of cancer.
This is how vital friendships are to humans.
Not to mention the added benefit of living longer.
It’s not surprising that 98% of women say they have best friends.
But as a woman who has had friends hop in and out of the train of my life, I can assure you that there are more unhealthy friendships out there than healthy ones.
It’s a jungle out here.
To survive, you need to know what you’re getting yourself into when you allow people in your life.
And as always, knowing the people to reach out to is harder.
Here’s my hack:
Know what to look out for. If a relationship makes you feel any of these things, walk away.
…
You feel “off” after sharing.
Question:
Ever felt “off” after sharing a personal secret with a friend? Like there was an after taste you couldn’t wipe off?
Or
Have you ever felt that you couldn’t let your guard down around a friend — despite knowing them for five years?
At times we feel these things and can’t tell why.
But if there’s something age teaches you, it’s that instincts matter a lot when dealing with people.
Even babies know this.
If you don’t feel safe sharing, your gut is most likely warning you that you’re not safe with this person.
Or that they don’t have your best interests at heart.
Your heart always knows when you’re not in a safe environment.
Look, life is hard as it is.
Personal issues, marriage, and children all necessitate having someone to offload to from time to time.
But without feeling safe, how can you offload?
The thing about healthy and authentic friendships is that they require vulnerability which only stems from trust.
Without trust, a friendship is dead in the water.
…
Photo by Reba Spike on Unsplash
…
You don’t feel supported.
Someone close to me has friends who never call. They’ll be in town but never drive to see him. Yet he goes to see them when he’s in their city.
For me, there’s no friendship here.
One-sided friendships aren’t friendships. They’re a drag — emotional vampires and time wasters.
One-sided friendships don’t know what support is because they’re centered around one person.
I’ve learned that support doesn’t have to be a big act.
It can be a simple text of encouragement when someone is pursuing a worthy cause. The problem is, that few so-called friends are supportive.
People find it hard to be supportive because it reveals their own shortcomings.
For everything you attempt to do, there’s probably a friend who has thought about it but hasn’t taken action towards it.
So when you state your intention, they feel triggered. Jealousy and insecurity take over like a bushfire. This is one of the signs of unhealthy friendships.
A genuine friend knows that they don’t lose anything by being supportive. That a win for one is a win for all.
But you’re always the supportive one find yourself new mates. I promise there are many worthy friendships out there waiting for you.
…
Your secrets are never safe.
Oh, how secrets have destroyed female friendships.
Women like to talk. Unfortunately, we mostly want to talk about others because it makes us feel better about our own struggles.
This, though, makes us toxic and sets everyone around us on fire.
Betrayal is painful.
I’ve experienced it firsthand. I’m not sure anything else hurts this deeply. But worse, it breaks someone in such a big way.
It takes a strong person not to crumble or lose self-esteem because no one likes being exposed- which is what betrayal does.
It exposes you. Leaves you bare, your guts spilling out.
You deserve a safe haven where friends pull you in, cover you and help you overcome whatever your struggles are.
…
Your boundaries are continually crossed.
The other day, I asked my friend a deeply personal question.
She was silent for a few seconds, and then it hit me.
I’d made her uncomfortable by treading on forbidden territory.
Later, she texted, saying she wasn’t okay discussing that aspect of her life. After apologizing, I made a mental note never to repeat it.
This is life. We don’t live in a vacuum.
We, at times, cross each other’s boundaries unintentionally. It’s understandable.
What isn’t healthy is a continual disregard for personal boundaries.
The problem, though, is that, at times, friends don’t state their boundaries clearly.
However, if you’ve said you’re not okay discussing your childhood or receiving calls after seven in the evening, that ought to be taken seriously.
Nothing screams disrespect, like dishonoring boundaries. Disregarding people’s preferences shows one doesn’t value people or what they stand for.
Friendships without respect are a waste of time. You’re better off using your time to soak up a book.
…
You’re never confident in expressing different views.
One of my best friends has a very traditional view about marriage. If you’ve read my work, you know I’m the opposite.
I don’t believe in suffering in a marriage, or that divorce is wrong.
Full disclosure: I don’t claim to be right. My opinions are drawn from the school of my life experiences.
Despite our divergent views on this, Keren and I have remained tight for over two decades.
We’re okay to disagree on this because our friendship is so built on much more. For instance, we read from the same scripts on issues of health, diet, and women empowerment.
Real and healthy friendships accommodate different views because it doesn’t make anyone inferior.
It’s not a question of being right or wrong. It’s accepting that every opinion counts, no matter how different it is from yours.
…
Photo by iam_os on Unsplash
…
You feel judged for the decisions you make.
Keren doesn’t judge me. And for that, I have mad respect for her.
She gets that I’m mature and respects my reasons for believing or doing what I do.
This is what healthy friendships should look like.
Until you reach this point, your friendships will always feel fake because you’ll never own up to who you are and why you do what you do.
Talk about cluster phobia!
To be clear, you should always warn a friend if they’re headed in the wrong direction.
That said, you should never attach their worth and value to their actions.
People make decisions based on where they are mentally and emotionally placed at that particular moment — which means that people change all the time.
Healthy friends don’t judge people; they judge their actions.
It’s a subtle thin line that only genuine friends know how to walk on.
…
There’s no room for flexibility and adaptability.
Over the years, I’ve canceled dates with my friends because I was too overwhelmed by my personal life.
You’d think that I’m unreliable. Maybe I am.
But here’s the interesting part.
These moments have reinforced the depth of my friendships in a big way.
You see, my friends don’t get pissed off. They’re chill. Always happy to reschedule because I always do the same without complaints.
Healthy friendships must allow space for life to happen because life happens more than we expect.
A date can always be rescheduled. A child emergency can’t.
Any friend who throws tantrums or can’t adapt to such isn’t worth your time.
…
And now, the look-in-the-mirror moment:
It’s very easy to point fingers.
But if you looked at the person in the mirror, would you perhaps see all these traits?
Are you the person who makes people feel this way?
Are you the toxic one?
Then it’s time to work on your character intentionally.
I’m off to do an analysis of my personality.
I suggest you do the same.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
—
Photo credit: Cash Macanaya on Unsplash