One night I was sitting in a hostel halfway across the world in Amsterdam. Still on a west coast sleep schedule at 3:00 am, my thoughts started to drift.
When you’re halfway across the world alone where would one’s thoughts travel to?
Relationships of course!
I wondered what makes an intimate relationship, well… intimate? And what is the definition of an intimate relationship? How can we find it?
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“Intimacy refers to feelings of closeness, connectedness, and warmth” — Psychology Today
Most of us are looking for that one person who makes us feel cared for, loved and accepted for who we are. However, we don’t always have that perfect combination in our current relationships.
Especially the acceptance part, which for me is a big one. If I can’t be myself with someone, then I’m not interested… I’ve learned from my mistakes!
I’ve been there in my past where I would pretend to be cooler, smarter, prettier or even spend money I didn’t have. All in the name of ‘fitting’ in with someone else who I probably shouldn’t have been with.
It was exhausting.
Here are 7 ways to have a loving and intimate relationship:
Authenticity
Be yourself, no one else. If you need to spend a small fortune trying to be someone you think your partner wants, then you’re with the wrong person.
A. You either don’t know them very well or B. You’re going to hate life pretty soon if you have to keep faking who you are for the next 10 years!
Interdependence
I absolutely love how Aurora Eliam, CMP sums this up. She explains an interdependent relationship as one in which you both share time with one another without giving up what is important to you. Interdependence is where you’re comfortable holding onto your own interests without sacrificing yourself for the relationship. This, I believe is one of the strongest factors in an intimate relationship.
Trust
Oh… I remember this young woman I was training to take over my position as I was going on maternity leave. She made a comment about how she gets so upset if her husband looks at another woman. I mean, she was very adamant about this. I felt bad for her.
I told her it wasn’t a big deal and a normal part of life. Of course, I tried to explain this as delicately as possible, but I remember feeling bad for her because I could almost feel her jealousy and insecurity. I didn’t know her situation at all, maybe her husband was a total asshole. But the point being was she didn’t feel the comfort of trust, and that saddened me.
When I was married, I remember suffering that same insecurity at the beginning until my trust developed.
I’ve been there, and trusting someone feels so much better!
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An article in Psychology Today titled ‘Trust’ explains that the best way to develop this elusive euphoria is to keep communication open and respect the feelings of your partner. This I can agree is one of the best ways to build trust and mutual compassion and understanding in a relationship.
Genuine Interest
I’ve discovered that a partner who shows genuine interest in you, your ideas, and your dreams are someone who genuinely cares. When you have this with a romantic partner, then you are already in an intimate relationship.
Andrea Bonior, Ph.D. explains that one aspect of a healthy relationship is genuine affection and liking of their partner. She also suggests this can last well past the first infatuation period.
Once you feel truly liked by your partner, not just loved… then you’ve reached a point of intimacy that can be lasting.
Comfort
Once you feel comfortable with your partner in an old pair of sweats and an ugly shirt (we all have one), and you feel truly appreciated by your partner then that is a milestone for building intimacy in your relationship. Comfort goes a long way.
Commitment
Finally, the big word is commitment. When you feel a strong sense of commitment between yourself and your partner, and you know you would rather stay true to your relationship than stray, then that is a strong sign of intimacy.
However, commitment can also refer to how one feels toward their relationship. Is a couple committed to working out the glitches, and/or accepting tiny flaws in the other? That is also commitment. Both of which are crucial to an intimate relationship.
Work on your self-confidence
What keeps us confident in our relationships? Confidence is after all a key to intimacy.
When we feel good about ourselves, we can project that confidence onto our partner. When we feel negative about ourselves our partner may feel the need to pull us up. They’ll feel compelled to make you feel good about yourself.
This can be a loving gesture on their part, but if it’s a continual trend and they’re starting to feel a sense of obligation, it can become a burden to your relationship.
And the word ‘burden’ is not something you want to be synonymous with your relationship. A moderate amount of self-esteem is vital for an intimate relationship to work. Neediness, not so much.
To Sum it all up
Interdependence, and holding onto yourself, your own beliefs and hobbies will be one of the simplest ways to build an intimate relationship. Without this, resentment and neediness can replace intimate feelings.
Self-confidence and independence are also sure-fire ways to keep that spark going.
Keep your communication open, and learn… or work towards trusting one another. Feelings of confidence in your partner are much, much more pleasant than jealousy or distrust.
Once you’ve learned to trust that genuine interest and comfort won’t be too far off.
Building an intimate relationship requires working on these goals every day. Michael Arangua tells us that attaining this special place with your loved one requires hard work and commitment. But once you reach that plateau you’ll be glad you both strived together to get there!
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Thiébaud Faix on Unsplash