I slept on the couch again last night —ninety percent because Mr. Grey was snoring and ten percent because he had been texting his “friend” all. day. long.
I was irritated.
Why is she the first person he talks to when he wakes up, the person he’s DM-ing all day, and the last person he messages before we go to bed?
Wtf? It’s making me crazy and, yes, jealous.
Every time I hear his phone vibrate, I assume it’s his new “friend.” I’m not wrong — he even told me so! At least he’s honest with me, right? Jealousy and insecurity are my problems — according to him. But should I say something about how into her he seems to be? Or how aware I am that he talks to her incessantly? How unaware is he that he’s distracted and tethered to his phone all day — to the point where I feel invisible because their conversation seems fresh and exciting?
Does he know how much he’s hurting me?
What a shitty feeling.
Is that what he wants — for me to feel shitty?
How would he feel?
Does he even care?
The Scary Truth Is No.
It scares me that he’s not considerate of my feelings. It scares me that he’s unmistakably distracted by random women when we are smack-dab in the middle of working on us being more connected. It scares me that he’s so eager to connect with other people who aren’t his wife and the mother of his two children lying in bed next to him. It also scares me to think that he’s not doing anything wrong and I’m the one with the problem.
Am I not paying enough attention to him again?
Is she?
Is this going to be our new pattern?
Ugh, insecurity sucks — if that’s what this is.
I am looking forward to our second couples therapy session tomorrow. I’m feeling grateful for the opportunity to work on us after all these years.
… to be continued
. . .
Addendum: Jesus, if my state of denial were a snake, it would have bitten me. And I still would have gone into anaphylaxis before admitting what was happening back then. I wasn’t anywhere near ready to see my marriage fall to pieces and my kids’ little hearts break.
After re-reading this piece tonight, I see, with crystal-clear clarity, how my emotional response wasn’t the issue here — it was my ex-husband’s disrespectful and downright despicable behavior.
I got it now.
Ready or not — The End.
*mic drop*
. . .
Thank you for your love and support. You Are Loved. ❤
—
This post was previously published on Recycled.
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