As I’ve been writing more and more about our difficulties with the teenager, I’ve been surprised by the number of people that have reached out to us, both on-line and in person. Many have just wanted to give words of support and encouragement, but a surprising number have had similar stories of their own. Some were stories of their own rebellious daughters, others were stories about when they were that daughter.
The one common thread is that in nearly all of these cases, sometime in their early teens these girls started to harbor bitterness and resentment towards their mothers. I’m not in any way saying that boys don’t fight with their parents or that no father has ever been talked back to, my own would call me out quickly, but the worst stories, the ones with the nastiest words being spoken and the most spiteful attitudes all seem to feature teenage girls and their mothers. Several psychiatric clinicians and counselors I talked to confirmed that this was the case in their experience.
Why is this? Common explanations are that women talk more, thus making them more likely to say the wrong thing, and that women find it harder to let things go than men, escalating arguments past where they would otherwise end. These both seem overly simplistic, if not blatantly sexist. There seem to be plenty of women who manage to stay friends with each other without constant conflict.
I believe part of the answer may lie in “perception of intent.” As children get older and more independent the “whys” of our parenting attitudes and decisions get harder to explain just as it is getting more important to them to know these reasons. How their vision of us fits traditional parental roles may play a big part in what they decide our motives to be.
Family dynamics are changing, but I think that for most males, they still look to their father as a teacher and disciplinarian, while the mother is viewed as a more nurturing influence. For daughters, fathers are considered protectors while the mother is the teaching parent and source of guidance.
It’s pretty universally accepted in psychiatry that by late adolescence, boys begin to get along better with their mothers, girls with their fathers. Freud had his theories about this, but I think what happens is the “teacher” begins to be viewed as the “controller.” As they become teenagers, our kid’s search for individuality and self-reliance comes at a time when we are the most fearful for their future, the most aware of mistakes and regrets that we carry from that age.
A recipe for conflict.
So why does this conflict seem magnified between mothers and daughters? Is it really, or does it just seem more acceptable for boys to fight back against perceived bonds of oppression while girls become labeled as difficult and disrespectful? Are the teenage years that much more difficult for girls, giving them more cause to look for somebody to blame for their unhappiness?
A combination of all of these I’d imagine, with no simple answer.
I think that no matter how enlightened we try and be, how hard we try not to embrace boy/girl stereotypes, the instinct to protect and shelter is stronger when it comes to our girls. For moms who still remember what it was like to be that girl, this need is particularly strong. Just as strong as the need of a teenage girl to prove that she no longer needs this.
A war that in the end, nobody wins.
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A version of this post was previously published on ThirstyDaddy and is republished here with permission from the author.
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