There have been a million words written about how to build a healthy relationship; and how to recognise if you’re in one or not. Does the world need any more? Well, maybe – because a lot of the time I think they over-complicate everything. In my humble blogger’s opinion, there really are only three things you need to be sure of if you want to know if you’ve found Mr. or Ms. Right (Enough) – and also to know in case you’re with Mr(s) Wrong so can you make a speedy departure. So here they are:
Affection:
This is hard to define, but essentially boils down to one thing: you like being in their company – for the pleasing person you find them to be, and for the good way they make you feel. There’s really no rhyme or reason as to why we find some people’s company so much more enjoyable; but that doesn’t matter, it’s enough that we know when we feel it – or not – and are honest with ourselves about that. Wishful thinking, telling ourselves we should settle for someone because they’re not too bad, is a path to disaster. If we don’t find our heart and our smile lighting up at the thought of seeing that person; if we don’t feel immediately better about the world when they walk through the door; this probably means that however much we may respect them and however nice they seem to be, they’re not the one for us. With the passage of time, that will become an increasingly large barrier feeling close to them. And without that – what’s the point?
Attraction:
This can be tricky. We may be powerfully attracted to people who are not at all good for us, because our strange emotional memory can draw us towards someone who reminds of one of other of those who we first fell in love with i.e. our parents. And if they were less than kind and caring in their version of loving us, we may all to easily be drawn to people who are lacking those same qualities, – perhaps in the unconscious hope of rewriting the past in some way. Relationship counsellor Ken Page calls these ‘attractions of deprivation’, and advises instead to look for an ‘’attraction of Inspiration” to someone that we like and respect, even if initially we only feel a slow burn kind of attraction. Because the flame of instant attraction is likely to burn out quickly and singe your fingers, whereas glowing embers are there to be rekindled time after time. This again is where having a solid foundation of self-respect is important, and enough healthy scepticism about human beings to remember that if someone seems too good (or too ‘hot’) to be true, then they probably are. In spite of that, there will only ever be relatively few people for whom we can feel that special chemistry of attraction, and they’re worth waiting for. Making the mistake of confusing friendship with attraction – will only lead to pain and embarrassment all around.
Respect:
Essentially this means that you share the same values – and think the same kinds of things are important. You trust each other, and both know that if something seems to be going wrong between, you there will be an explanation and a solution you can work on together. You see them as your equal and feel proud to be accepted by them, and vice versa. By and large you live up to each other’s idea of how a good and grown-up man/woman ought to act and although you both have t flaws of course; you’re accepting of those and always aspiring to learn and grow. It includes having enough respect for yourself that you wouldn’t waste your time being with anyone who didn’t earn and give back your respect, and you have enough of a foundation of self-esteem not to be vulnerable to manipulation by charm or flattery – just in case that was on offer.
It’s not hard to meet people you can share one or two of these things with; but when you find someone with whom you feel all three, and it’s mutual, you have won the love lottery. Enjoy!
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Photo credit: iStock
I saw a documentary about marriage (specifically arranged marriages and highly religious ones where being unchaperoned or even touching before marriage was taboo). In one Orthodox Jewish practice in Israel, these are the same 3 components people check about a potential spouse before they decide to marry! (The respect thing was worded more like, “Do they bring out the best in me and make me feel like they see my best,” but I think it boils down to the same thing.
Thank you!