He married the love of his life, but let this addiction ruin their love.
—
Let me start off by saying this isn’t going to be an article attacking porn or judging you if you watch porn. I’m simply sharing what happened to me and how it affected our marriage. You have to make the best decisions for you and/or your relationship. My hope is that this article gives you another perspective to think about. What I will ask is that you get honest with yourself. The natural inclination is to get defensive when a subject like this is talked about. Progress and growth happen when we can move past our natural inclinations.
♦◊♦
Every day, I would run home from school and masturbate to porn.
|
I was 13-years-old the first time I saw porn. There was a kid in our neighborhood that was a little more mature than the rest of us and found his father’s porn collection. This was in the 90’s, so it was VHS videos. We walked into his house to chill after school and got an instant education into sex, nudity, and masturbation. From that day on, I was hooked on porn.
Months later, I got the courage to pay this friend to get me a few of his dad’s VHS’. Every day, I would run home from school and masturbate to porn before my parents got home from work. It was an addiction—that at 13—I didn’t know how to break. It wasn’t long before my mom would help me break it.
Two weeks later, she was putting my laundry in my dresser and found the porn. Her reaction broke my heart and hurt my body. She yelled, hit, and cried. She spanked me for days after she found the porn. After the ordeal, I vowed to never watch porn again—there were too many consequences.
♦◊♦
After the porn incident, my parents found a legalistic church and created some strict rules. We (my two brothers and a sister) weren’t allowed to date, we weren’t allowed to listen to secular music, and we didn’t watch TV for years. We lived a sheltered existence. At 17, I rebelled and left home. I was homeless and trying to figure out who I was and what I wanted from life. I got three jobs and at one of them, I met the woman who would become my wife. I got married the day after I turned 18.
Our sex life was HOT. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other. Despite the amazing love and sex, I started a porn collection. This was the 2,000’s, so it was CD’s.
Our sex life started to fade because I was more into the fantasy of what porn portrayed instead of the beautiful woman I could make love to. We started to fight and eventually separated when she saw I was choosing porn over our relationship. I promised to be a better man, but she was tired of only words and no action. Here are four ways porn ruined a beautiful sex life and almost cost me the person I love the most.
♦◊♦
Porn cost money I didn’t have. What started as a few videos we watched together spiraled into an out of control travesty. I sat down one time and calculated how much I spent on porn in one year—it was $4,862. Sad, I know. My wife asked that I get rid of the collection. Instead of honoring a fair request on her part, I hid the collection and began masturbating in secret. We were broke and didn’t have money to spend on porn. I was an idiot.
Porn made me an angry man. This may be just me, but after watching porn and masturbating to it, I was angry. I would be on edge with my family. When I sat down to think about it, I think it was because I was mad the fantasy was over. Again, I was an idiot.
Porn gave me an unrealistic view of sex. It wasn’t long before I was trying to get my wife to do all the things I saw in porn videos. I wanted to try the unrealistic positions and situations. I lost sight of our sex life being about us—just the two of us completely consumed with each other. I lost sight of our love propelling what happens in the bedroom.
Porn didn’t fit into the kind of life I want to live. I had big goals and dreams for my life and our marriage. Those dreams involved financial freedom and a healthy marriage—porn didn’t help me hit those goals. In fact, it kept me stuck in a fantasy. I had to break free before I could make the changes I needed to make.
♦◊♦
She is worth more than the images and those few moments of pleasure.
|
I was able to break the hold porn had on me. Once I did, I was able to heal and work on healing my fractured marriage. It took three years, but we found each other again. I found myself again. We paid off all our debt and moved to our dream location of Maui, Hawaii.
Let me say it again, this isn’t meant to be a judgment against anyone. Porn ruined my sex life and almost ended our marriage. I know for a fact I’m not the only guy who has gone through this. If you are reading this and in the same situation, choose your love over lust.
She is worth more than the images and those few moments of pleasure. To have great sex and build a strong relationship, you have to constantly improve yourself and work on your relationship. Get honest with yourself and ask yourself how porn fits into the life and kind of relationship you want to have.
How has porn affected you?
—
This post is republished on Medium.
***
You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project
Compliments Men Want to Hear More Often | Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | ..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything |
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—
Photo credit: iStock
Thank you for sharing your story. It makes my heart cry. I am glad you were able to tell the difference and chose what was real. I am recently divorced from my husband, who chose porn and sex with other people over his family. It isn’t about the sex. We had a very good and active sex life. It just wasn’t enough. Porn hooks you and then you want more and more and different etc… It builds. It compounds.
Wow. Reading through these comments brought tears to my eyes. As a woman who’s in love with a man with a porn addiction, i’m faced with rebuilding trust after lie upon lie. To each their own, but i agree with jimmy clark, it should be reserved for your mate. I know my lover’s sex face, the sounds he makes, etc when he climaxes…if he would not give them to another woman in the flesh, he should not give them to another in any other form. I give those moments to him and him alone, it breaks my heart to know… Read more »
Not to disagree with the writer but only to widen the conversation, if a central problem of porn is that it creates unrealistic expectations about sex and relationships, popular culture is quite saturated with songs, TV shows, and movies that encourage both men and women to project unrealistic expectations on their dating and life partners. I think lot of people are “addicted” to a certain kind “relationship porn” that isn’t superficially shocking because it doesn’t involve graphic depictions of sex, but it’s not healthy either. For that matter, the person who coined the phrase “food porn” wasn’t being ironic.
Yup Sam. In this article, though, I’m only sharing what it did for me and how it lead to unrealistic expectations for me. Definitely not speaking for all guys.
So many of these things relate to my story letting go of porn to rescue my marriage. One that is seldom talked about is the anger part you mentioned. For me the porn masked the pain of feeling unlovable. A wound from childhood. But the porn never gave me the affirmation I longed for. So I think I became progressively angrier because my REAL need was never met.
Also it turned me into a HUGE liar. I sonet more years rebuilding trust with my wife due to the lying than the actual porn itself.
Keep up the great work!
Matt, I know you are doing good work to educate people on this topic!
I’m glad I read your article. Porn is wrapped in packages that appeal to a strong instinct. Once you open the package it’s not easy to get away from the gift. And the gift being detrimental to many relationships and marriages. I didn’t marry my wife until I was 40 and she was 37 with 2 young sons. I got hooked on porno when I was 13 also and was addicted to it strongly in my 20s and early 30s. I didn’t want it to be a part of my marriage and my wife agreed. I got on the internet… Read more »
Fully agree Jimmy. Thank you for the honesty!
I had no idea that women are addicted to porn….I had always thought it was a male phenomenon. Are the numbers equal to male addiction to porn?
Not sure, but will check.
Mr. Constable I applaud your honesty and openness regarding your addiction to porn. I can tell you from personal experience that my ex-husband also had an addiction to porn, but he refused to acknowledge or overcome his problems. I realized he had serious issues after I discovered he had downloaded hundreds of XXX images to our family computer. I was horrified when our 11 year old daughter stumbled across these images while researching a science project on “white hot stars”. A couple of months later I caught him viewing porn images on his company issued laptop. It was a miracle… Read more »
Wow, Ms. Jay. Sorry to hear what you and your 11-year-old went through. I hope he’s able to break his addiction–it’s already cost him. Thank you for being brave and sharing, I know it will help others.
My GF and I used to go to the X-rated drive-in movies. We’d end up hot & heavy there, and again at home.
But the real point I want to make is this: porn can get very old and boring in your later years; I don’t watch it any more.
Each of us has to find what’s right for each of us. Thanks for the thoughts Norm!
I just want to say that women can equally be addicted to porn and masturbation. Some of it stemming from being desensitized or issues of sexual abuse or abandonment and neglect from parental figures. From desensitization and parents neglecting to talk to impressionable teens about their bodies and what feelings are natural. It is a very serious addiction affecting homes across his country, in and out of churches. I am super proud of you for sharing this with the world.
I agree September and thank you 🙂
Kimanzi, this was a brave subject to take on. A ton of folks love porn and we defend what we will love, which means the opposing opinion typically becomes a target for speaking up, so most people do not. I applaud you. One of our basic needs is for connection and porn actually creates a disconnection as you described so well in your blog.
Thank you for the support, Carrie. It’s not easy to open up about something like this 🙂
Bravo, Kimanzi!! Well done!!!! Your story makes me glad to be a human being– what wonders we can work when we commit to human connection! Thank you for sharing. I am starting a project called SHOUT. SHOUT is gathering the voices of women and men to bring about a global message: There is a high demand for porn free people. It is primarily designed to give hope to women who have given up on finding a porn-free man, so I will be featuring one guy a day who overcame a bad habit to love women better. After being a relationship… Read more »
Mahalo sir 🙂