Let me start off by saying this isn’t going to be an article attacking porn or judging you if you watch porn. I’m simply sharing what happened to me and how it affected our marriage. You have to make the best decisions for you and/or your relationship. My hope is that this article gives you another perspective to think about. What I will ask is that you get honest with yourself. The natural inclination is to get defensive when a subject like this is talked about. Progress and growth happen when we can move past our natural inclinations.
I was 13-years-old the first time I saw porn. There was a kid in our neighborhood that was a little more mature than the rest of us and found his father’s porn collection. This was in the 90’s, so it was VHS videos. We walked into his house to chill after school and got an instant education into sex, nudity, and masturbation. From that day on, I was hooked on porn.
Months later, I got the courage to pay this friend to get me a few of his dad’s VHS’. Every day, I would run home from school and masturbate to porn before my parents got home from work. It was an addiction—that at 13—I didn’t know how to break. It wasn’t long before my mom would help me break it.
Two weeks later, she was putting my laundry in my dresser and found the porn. Her reaction broke my heart and hurt my body. She yelled, hit, and cried. She spanked me for days after she found the porn. After the ordeal, I vowed to never watch porn again—there were too many consequences.
After the porn incident, my parents found a legalistic church and created some strict rules. We (my two brothers and a sister) weren’t allowed to date, we weren’t allowed to listen to secular music, and we didn’t watch TV for years. We lived a sheltered existence. At 17, I rebelled and left home. I was homeless and trying to figure out who I was and what I wanted from life. I got three jobs and at one of them, I met the woman who would become my wife. I got married the day after I turned 18.
Our sex life was HOT. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other. Despite the amazing love and sex, I started a porn collection. This was the 2,000’s, so it was CD’s.
Our sex life started to fade because I was more into the fantasy of what porn portrayed instead of the beautiful woman I could make love to. We started to fight and eventually separated when she saw I was choosing porn over our relationship. I promised to be a better man, but she was tired of only words and no action. Here are four ways porn ruined a beautiful sex life and almost cost me the person I love the most.
Porn cost money I didn’t have. What started as a few videos we watched together spiraled into an out of control travesty. I sat down one time and calculated how much I spent on porn in one year—it was $4,862. Sad, I know. My wife asked that I get rid of the collection. Instead of honoring a fair request on her part, I hid the collection and began masturbating in secret. We were broke and didn’t have money to spend on porn. I was an idiot.
Porn made me an angry man. This may be just me, but after watching porn and masturbating to it, I was angry. I would be on edge with my family. When I sat down to think about it, I think it was because I was mad the fantasy was over. Again, I was an idiot.
Porn gave me an unrealistic view of sex. It wasn’t long before I was trying to get my wife to do all the things I saw in porn videos. I wanted to try the unrealistic positions and situations. I lost sight of our sex life being about us—just the two of us completely consumed with each other. I lost sight of our love propelling what happens in the bedroom.
Porn didn’t fit into the kind of life I want to live. I had big goals and dreams for my life and our marriage. Those dreams involved financial freedom and a healthy marriage—porn didn’t help me hit those goals. In fact, it kept me stuck in a fantasy. I had to break free before I could make the changes I needed to make.
I was able to break the hold porn had on me. Once I did, I was able to heal and work on healing my fractured marriage. It took three years, but we found each other again. I found myself again. We paid off all our debt and moved to our dream location of Maui, Hawaii.
Let me say it again, this isn’t meant to be a judgment against anyone. Porn ruined my sex life and almost ended our marriage. I know for a fact I’m not the only guy who has gone through this. If you are reading this and in the same situation, choose your love over lust.
She is worth more than the images and those few moments of pleasure. To have great sex and build a strong relationship, you have to constantly improve yourself and work on your relationship. Get honest with yourself and ask yourself how porn fits into the life and kind of relationship you want to have.
How has porn affected you?
Photo: Flickr/ smile_kerry