Pete Wilgoren knows what’s in a name. His daughters do, too.
—
I’m a creature of habit. I like my coffee in the morning. I like my comfortable jeans. I like to wear the same couple of T-shirts every weekend. I go to the same line in the supermarket with the same cashier.
All. The. Time.
Tanya is our cashier lady. She knows me and my wife because we come there all the time. She speaks with us personally each time. “Hi Mr Zelaya”… “How’s it going Mr Zelaya”… “You saved 24 cents with your club card Mr Zelaya”. She always does it with a smile. And I always thank her and smile back.
Only one problem.
My last name isn’t Zelaya. It’s Wilgoren. But it’s been going on for so long and I’m so comfortable with her saying it, that I’ve never bothered to correct her and truthfully it doesn’t bother me any more. When I go to the grocery store I am Mr Zelaya just like it says on our club card when my wife signed up years ago. You see, Zelaya is HER last name. And now I’ve been adopted.
♦◊♦
When my wife and I got engaged years ago, I don’t need to tell you how long ago, but suffice it to say Livin’ La Vida Loca was a top song on the radio, my wife made it perfectly clear: I love you. I’m marrying you. I’m keeping my last name. Done. There wasn’t any discussion about it. There wasn’t any debate about it. It was a statement of fact, a feisty, and fiercely independent declaration from a fiercely independent woman. And so our two name household was born. I’m Wilgoren. She’s Zelaya.
And then came the kids.
They have the last name Wilgoren. But both girls have a streak of the same fierce independence. And they proudly now refer to themselves as Zelaya- Wilgorens. “We’re Zelaya-Wilgorens right mama?” And mom nods yes with a smile. Sometimes when the kids are annoyed with me, they’ll drop the Wilgoren entirely and just become Zelayas for the afternoon. And you know what, it’s perfectly OK with me.
Which brings me back to the supermarket.
My wife signed up for the club card years ago and now it is etched in history: I am Peter Zelaya. Today the cashier was hollering at me from across the store “Mr Zelaya” “Mr Zelaya”… and I didn’t look up right away until I realized she must be yelling at me.
And I remembered, oh that’s me, “I AM Peter Zelaya”.
At least here I am. I am husband to Gloria, and dad to two great young girls. I am not identified solely by my name and I’m not threatened anymore by the idea that my wife didn’t take mine. And I hope to continue blazing the same trail with my girls instilling in them that sense of independence that my wife has already started.
Photos: Courtesy of the author
Originally published on Dadmissions
Whose name you take when you get married is such a cultural thing too. I don’t live in the US and of my friends who are married (and a great proportion of them aren’t, including those with kids) only some went with just the husband’s surname. So many women kept their own and I know one couple who, like the above poster, created a whole new surname with letters from each. It’s not that unusual.
I am the first guy in my town in at least 15 years who changed his name. We took the first few letters from hers and the last few from mine and started our very own family name.
I married my husband 28 years ago and kept my name. It caused a bit of a fuss with the older generation but they got over it. My sons both have my last name as a middle name and my husband’s last name. They are respectful and aware of their maternal heritage. It was important to me to keep my name because taking the husband’s name grew out of the woman becoming their husband’s legal property. Why would a woman be willing to do that? Unfortunately I am judgemental of women who do change their name, particularly this young generation… Read more »
This sounds just like my relationship with my wife, and the grocery store clerk. My wife didn’t change her name, and I didn’t feel my name was all that special to make her change it. I have been called by her last name at the grocery store for the last 4 years now, and my kids don’t even notice.
Great article.
When my wife took my name it had nothing to do with societal pressure. You see she didn’t like being one of numerous Gibbs. In fact her mother didn’t even have to change her name when she married my wife’s father because she was already a Gibbs. Not closely related but a Gibbs. No she liked being Karen G Love. When we separated she informed me to get over it she wasn’t changing her name back to Gibbs! She just didn’t want to being Gibbs which she thought of as common. She liked to be one of a few with… Read more »
My fiance nearly called the wedding off when I told him I wouldn’t change my name. I think it’s an outdated custom tied to when women couldn’t own property, or vote, or work once married. It’s no longer relevant and I won’t play along.
(Marriage lasted 2 years.)
Both my husband and I have started to explain to folks who don’t get that we have different surnames “I didn’t force/she didn’t force me to take my/her last name” with grins and this generally shocks people so they just smile and chuckle and move on.
We do have a common identity however in our household name that we created from the definitions of our surnames.
I’ll admit, I completely caved to societal pressure when I got married a year ago, and kept my last name. My wife’s maiden name is so much cooler than mine, and brings with it a rich Polish culture (whereas mine is some hodgepodge of cultures and no one knows what it means), that there is no legitimate reason for us to have adopted mine except that…that’s what you do. Looking back, I wish we would have had a much more open-minded conversation about it than we did.
I think this is wonderful. I find it irritating when a man is offended/thinks it’s ridiculous if someone suggests HE change his name or accept someone else calling him by his wife’s. Also, the same when a guy thinks it’s a lack of commitment if his partner won’t take his. I bowed to societal pressure and took my husband’s last name when we got married and I kind of wish I hadn’t. Or had at least forced us all to hyphenate! It doesn’t mean I am less committed to my husband or looking for an ‘out’ for later. It means… Read more »
That’s very sweet of u! But doesn’t say much abt the commitment of the other party! When u marry some one u want that to work so u give ur self wholeheartedly to that person and fundamentally u agree to take their name & if u don’t may be u might get someone else’s kids! Kids need to get the fathers name & u might have to keep the name to make it less confusing for ur kids! If things don’t work out u free ur self & free the other person to find someone suitable if they want! I… Read more »
Even if your argument of ” fundamentally u agree to take their name & if u don’t may be u might get someone else’s kids!” held merit (which it doesn’t even come close to having) it would be rendered null and void by your use of “u” instead of “you”. And was “about” so much harder to type than “abt”? Really?
Yea but this guy also thinks that the women who put her blood sweat tears and used SOLEY her body to create another human being MUST have her child named after the father?? says alot about this guy (and a lot of men who think like him) that children aren’t worth your time unless they are yours.. and the only way to make sure of this is to strip the woman of her identity so that you can ensure she will have only YOUR children?? that’s quite the logic this guys got going on in his head.. He would have… Read more »
Doesn’t say much about HIS commitment that he didn’t take her name.. Your point is invalid.
@ tamara
The last name connotes family. I think it’s important for a family to have one last name especially for the kids. I suppose it could just as easily be the mother’s though. Now my opinion is colored by my age group, but as a child I always felt sorry for the kids whose moms had different last names than their dads, but I always thought it was because they were step children. It may also be because my father died when I was 1 and I know how hard it was growing up without your dad.
I had different last names as my mom growing up and it didn’t affect me at all. It never affected anyone I knew in the same boat. My kids think nothing of it. They say all the time, “We’re Schroeders and _______” (their dad’s last name). They’re proud of being part of both families.