“When I was struggling to decide between whether or not to come out, I was hurting. Then my wife and little boy were killed in a car accident. I know what I should have felt, but what I felt was a relief.”
This friend loved his wife and son, but guilt and shame consumed him for betraying them. His pain bothered him to the point he couldn’t bear it, and he had thoughts of suicide. He also knew that despite his many promises, he couldn’t restrain his desire for sex with other men.
You may think that in my psychiatric practice, I hear a lot of painful stories like that. And I do.
But I heard this story from a friend.
Through the years, I’ve heard many similar stories from men aged midlife to late life. A common theme of loneliness and despair runs through these stories.
* * *
Do I want to live the rest of my life like I have lived the first part?
Sometimes people say that men who come out in middle age are going through a midlife crisis. And they are.
But this is no red-convertible-sports-car midlife crisis. This one is a crisis of identity and values.
Most of us reach a point in our life where we realize that more days lay behind us than in front of us, and we ask ourselves, Do I want to spend the rest of my life living in the same way I’ve lived the first part of it?
Gay men can be the harshest critics.
After presenting on this topic one day, a young gay man challenged me: “What a bunch of hooey! If you so-called ‘mature’ men had any balls, you wouldn’t have found yourselves in that situation. Losers! That’s what you are. And selfish. You hurt other people because of your dishonesty with yourselves and others.”
Some of what he said is true.
“How could you not know?” Gay men who say they’ve always known they are gay criticize those of us who came out later more harshly than anyone.
Another young gay man offered a softer critique: “Why come out at forty? You’re too old for sex.”
* * *
Many of these men have told me that during their childhoods, they had some same-sex experience with another boy. Guilt and shame followed. What is wrong with me? I don’t want to want what I want. Why can I just be normal? But who can I talk to?
Guilt is when you feel you shouldn’t want this; shame is when you feel you shouldn’t be this.
These are the powerful feelings that hold us back and keep us locked in a heteronormative world.
But with whom can you safely speak if you question your sexual attraction?
Once we say to another person, “I think I might be gay,” what they hear is, “I am gay.” Then we’ve lost control of that thought, and it begins a cascade of events that we may not want.
I know about this because I’ve lived it.
When I was thirty-two-years-old, I thought I had it all.
I was lonely because I hadn’t shown up as myself.
I was married with two kids, living on a small farm on the coast of Maine. I had served in the Navy, completed my training in psychiatry, and had all my medical school debts paid off. I had a successful psychiatric practice. But I was lonely.
No person is lonelier than someone who feels estranged from his soul.
I thought all I wanted was a blow job.
Then, quite unexpectedly, while still married to my wife, I fell in love with a man who was still married to his wife. With him, I discovered a level of erotic intensity that had eluded me earlier in my life.
I struggled with how to integrate this experience with how I saw myself sexually. I knew I could never partition off those feelings again as I had done throughout my life.
I briefly contemplated I might be bisexual, which felt like an acceptable compromise for a while. But after I met some other gay fathers, I accepted the fact that I am gay.
Bisexuals complain of “bisexual erasure” when people argue that bisexuality is only a conduit from gay to straight. But I knew of no other word to describe my situation.
* * *
Men Who Have Sex with Men (MSM)
If it weren’t such an awkward term, I would prefer to characterize these men as “men who have sex with men” or just “MSM” rather than “gay” or “bisexual.” This distinction is critical.
Gay is an identity. Bisexuality is an identity. Men who have sex with men is a behavior.
Identity is an abstract concept, while the behavior is definitive.
“Straight” MSM outnumber men who identify as gay or bisexual.
While about 4% of men identify as gay, one study found that nearly 10% of men had had sex with another man in the preceding year, and almost 10% of those identified as heterosexual had sex solely with other men.
Behavior and identity do not always agree.
“Curious,” “questioning,” and “pleasure-seeking” are sometimes used to explain these men’s situation, but they represent a process of thought, not a definition of identity.
If you ask MSM, “Are you gay?” their response will typically be, “Absolutely not!” If you ask them, “Have you ever had sex with a man?” they are more apt to respond, “Well, maybe.”
Why do men resist being called gay?
MSM oppose being called gay or bisexual because of the toxic stereotypes associated with both labels. Many MSM are too early in their exploration to know their true identity.
I believe that no one establishes a “gay identity” until he or she admits it to themself, sees it as lasting, announces it to at least one other, and is prepared to accept the consequences.
* * *
Denial
Some find it hard to believe that a man could reach middle age before questioning his sexual identity. Still, in my research, I interviewed a man in his nineties who lost his wife of over fifty years before he began, for the first time, to explore his same-sex attractions. He had never been unfaithful to her.
Another man wrote, “I am a middle-aged, divorced man. Since my divorce, I have been struggling with my sexual identity. Perhaps I have always been in denial.”
In general usage, the word “denial” means lying, and indeed some more self-aware men have lied about their sexual orientation. As one gay man said about men who deceive others if not themselves, “It’s highly disrespectful to all who are a party to their ‘confusion’ and allow themselves to get drawn in.”
But the mind also has a substantial capacity to avoid seeing what it does not wish to see. Psychologists call this defense mechanism denial, too. But in the clinical use of the word, the individuals principally deceive themselves. The pain they cause others is an unintended consequence.
My mind would not let me see what I was not yet willing to accept.
I often explain how denial worked for me as like a child’s belief in Santa Claus:
- At first, children believe in Santa Claus without question. (I’m heterosexual.)
- Then things don’t fit together, questions and doubt begin, but they don’t want to give up those gifts from Santa. (I’m curious about men, but heterosexual men have a lot of benefits.)
- Finally, the evidence becomes too compelling. A child sacrifices their belief in Santa Claus but agrees not to tell anyone. (I’m gay, but I won’t tell anyone.)
When I reviewed my life after I recognized and accepted that I am gay, I saw that through the years, I had overlooked many clues about my same-sex attractions. As I reflect on it now, even my masturbatory fantasies were faceless and formless.
* * *
Coming out in midlife
Many young boys — perhaps even most — have had some experimentation with same-sex activity; most are not particularly conflicted by this history. Parents are often aware of it and just think, “Boys will be boys,” as long as it doesn’t go on for too long.
Although we may have connected in an emotionally intimate way, we considered what we were doing as temporary, not enduring.
Some boys feel guilty for enjoying it too much or perhaps not wanting it to end as it seemed to for most of their friends. In my case, my friends and I thought of it as a kind of rehearsal for later becoming sexually active with an opposite-sex partner.
For men whose same-sex attraction persists, they know that a “normal” man would never even hint that he had a same-sex attraction to another person. He knows that the bearer of that secret will interpret it as an admission that he is gay — momentous disclosures like this demand to be shared.
Our culture prefers things to be binary. Gay or straight is black and white; you’re either one or the other.
* * *
I received this correspondence: “Following my divorce, I felt incredibly lonely and started flirting with guys online. For the first time, I felt attractive.”
We all wish to be desirable. For many MSM, their earlier heterosexual relationships have felt transactional. To be desired invites a more in-depth exploration of sexuality. This new understanding expands beyond the limits of what his culture taught him.
While erotic flirting with others is exciting, the more important question is, “Are you ready to take the next step?”
It is too soon for someone just coming out to seek a lover. You need:
- Friends, gay or straight, who accept you as you now have revealed yourself. You will need the support of a community.
- Healthy, older gay men who have successfully navigated this change in their lives.
- Exposure to the great diversity of the LGBTQ community
All of the above will help you shed the shame and guilt you have experienced that you will recognize as distorted. These people will shatter the stereotypes that led to self-hatred.
I’m talking about social connections. When you see those men as normal, you will feel healthy as well. Anonymous or hook-up sex may reinforce a sense of guilt and shame.
How do you make those friends?
You will find allies in the following:
- Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG)
- Prime Timers Worldwide has chapters throughout the United States and Canada. It also has individual memberships
- SAGE chapters
- “Open and affirming” churches
If you live in a rural community, it may be more difficult, but the Internet can give you access to some available resources.
The Internet can be a trap, though, if you never come out from behind your computer. Use the Internet as a resource to find things that are available to you.
Is it too late?
If a man in his nineties can come out and find a lover, we can safely say it is never too late to come out and do so successfully. Another man had been married to his wife for thirty-eight years, and he had never explored his same-sex attractions until her death. He also was partnered for many years.
Insomniac City: New York, Oliver, and Me, a book by writer and photographer Bill Hayes, is a moving memoir about how Hayes fell in love with a much older, closeted man, neurologist Dr. Oliver Sacks. It is a tender story of their mutual respect.
Most gay and bisexual men cope with coming out successfully if they have access to the right resources.
Unfortunately, many older MSM do not seek care from a mental health professional because they fear discrimination and homophobia; some justification exists for this concern.
To navigate this transition, you may need a good therapist, and some MSM struggle to find the right one. Therapists who are knowledgeable and affirming provide helpful therapeutic experiences.
I have discussed choosing a therapist in an earlier essay. Three things are essential:
- The therapist is well trained.
- You feel compatible with him or her.
- They understand the problems faced by and support the LGBTQ community.
You have a right to interview a prospective therapist about their attitudes and training before committing to therapy.
Some questions to ask a prospective therapist:
- What is your training and philosophy about treatment?
- How many LGBTQ clients have you served?
- How do you feel about “conversion therapies?”
You can find a list of gay-supportive doctors from The Gay and Lesbian Medical Association (GLMA).
The Association of Gay and Lesbian Psychiatrists (AGLP) maintains a referral directory for gay-supportive therapists.
For those who are in rural areas, some therapists do video-therapy, but you must check licenses and credentials carefully.
* * *
We must confront the stereotypes in our own heads about what it means to be gay.
Almost all adults pass through a period when they question the values they have inherited from their family and tribe. You can examine whether the things your parents taught you are valid for your life. Then deconstruct their values and reconstruct a value system of your own choice.
If you’ve delayed coming out for many years, one of the most critical things to do is to confront the stereotypes in your head about what it means to be an older, gay man. For me, that quickly happened when I went to a support group for gay fathers. That comes when you meet others who’ve shared your experience but are now living happy and healthy lives.
I believe that my same-sex attraction has always been with me, but it took a long time to accept it was as healthy for me to love a man as it is for other men to love a woman.
When I came out, I began to feel more like a man — albeit a different kind of man — than I’d ever felt before.
After I spoke to a group of older gay men a few years ago, one of them said, “I’m 82, and this is the best time in my life.”
I’ve heard similar things from many others. Once we stop living our lives according to the expectations of others, we feel great freedom, the freedom to live our lives as we choose rather than to live a life others told us we must live.
Make this time the best time in your life.
FREE Handout “Men’s Sexuality across the Life Span” here
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Previously published on “Equality Includes You”, a Medium publication.
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Photo credit: marianne bos on Unsplash