Throughout my column here I like to share some of my greatest disasters as a parent. Pieces such as Confidence is Born in a Father’s Failure and The Chaos of Modern Parenting take a look at some of the things that I’ve been through over the last year. And if you’ve followed me, there are many more examples. Let’s face it, disasters bring conflict. Conflict brings drama. Rarely do I write a piece that is so sugar-sweet it could be used as cake frosting.
So as I look at all this, I have begun to ask myself the question: Am I romanticizing parenting? Have I begun to fall into the trap that being a dad is all laughs and smoking jackets? When I lean into the cliché of fatherhood, such as the battles I’ve had with my lawn, am I doing a disservice to those dads who come after me? And if I ask that question, then I have to ask the question am I contributing to the conversation of fatherhood in the right way?
I recently spoke to Cindy DiTebrio who writes the substack Mother Load (read this, it’s good), where she wonders if what I’ve written was written by a mother, it would fall into the trap of glorifying parenting. This is basically not recognizing that being the primary caregiver is unpaid labor. It’s a way to guilt women into remaining the primary caregivers and carrying the majority of the mental load.
So for the last several weeks, I’ve asked myself a very simple question. Am I romanticizing fatherhood?
After looking around a little bit, I came to another conclusion. I need to.
We need to show the benefits of caregiving work to fathers.
As you can imagine, I pay attention to stories about fatherhood. I look to see how we are portrayed and to be honest, I’m never impressed. There is no glorifying fatherhood there. And sometimes, it’s the exact opposite when it’s seen that fathers are unnecessary in caring for a child. We are more than sperm donors. This is the reason I love the show Turf Valley so much. Fathers are portrayed there not as idiots, but as active participants in their children’s lives.
But that is the rarity. What I normally see is that Dad is a moron who can’t change a diaper. Dads are not celebrated as part of a needed team. Men are taught that there is no glory in being around children.
Whereas women are often guilted or questioned if they don’t take on the role of primary caregiver. They are told that it’s the bond that you have with your child should be important and you shouldn’t argue about unpaid care work done in the home. This goes into all kinds of care such as teaching and nursing. Both are seen as more feminine jobs, and the pay can be atrocious. Teachers deserve double what they are making. But hey, shouldn’t you enjoy the care work?
I’ve looked around for articles or stories glorifying parenting as fathers doing care work. I can’t find them. This needs to change. Fathers need to see the benefits of being the primary caregiver. We need to know that it is more than what we have been told. We should recognize that so much of the work in childcare is unpaid and taken for granted, but for fathers, we need to be shown what is actually possible once we get involved. We need to glorify dads in that role.
The good and bad of parenting.
For 17 years, I haven’t had much time to myself. I have been hit, kicked, and spit on. I’ve spent entire days with snot on the back of my head and not known it. I once chased my pantsless toddler down the street in the middle of the day.
I have been so burned out that I have broken down in tears while hiding in the closet. I have spent years with the bathroom door open because I have not been allowed any privacy. During the pandemic, I was thrust into teaching my children and found myself yelling at Zoom screens. I now have to take anxiety medication. Awesome.
I have been isolated as a father. My masculinity has been questioned. I have been asked if I have ovaries. I make sure I take my ID to the park in case someone there wants to call the cops. I have been sat on by a mom’s group. I have been called a Daddy-Mommy. No one sat by me during story time. I have been told that as a father, my opinion doesn’t matter when it comes to caregiving. I really have been told that. And finally, the truth is that my book The Ultimate Stay-at-Home Dad is a great book for any at-home parent. It contains 15 years’ worth of experience that moms and dads would benefit from. But that’s not the way it would ever be sold. Because I am a dad, I am still the backup team of parenting.
That is the truth of my parenting experience.
But there is more. Truly, I think the bond that I have with my kids wouldn’t be as deep if I didn’t stay home. I wish more dads had that option. My heart glowed when my daughter decided to use my tools to build herself a platform bed. My son is a great cook, and I like to brag about him. I have a thousand stories, a thousand wonderful failures, that I get to talk about. I get to write them down and make people laugh. I love painting myself as the hero in my stories because in my kid’s eyes, I am.
I love seeing other involved dads. I love seeing when they make those connections with each other and how that mentorship helps guide them. I love waking up in the morning and seeing my youngest son two inches from my face asking if we can make Halloween decorations now. I like how my wife is relaxed when she comes home to a clean house. I love it when she takes the first bite of her favorite dinner.
And now that I’m older, I love to sit back and watch my children use the adulting skills that I have taught them.
Could I have done that as a working spouse? I hope so, but I don’t know if I would have had the mental space to do it as intentionally as I have done it. It’s unpaid labor, there is no debating that fact.
But we need to glorify some of it for dads so that they know what is possible when they have a choice. And we need to stop guilting moms to take the brunt of it.
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
